Broken Salvation

I got out early, but on seeing him, I smiled and waved, happy to see him coming over and I was genuinely excited when he saw me. "Good morning, having a nice time on your first day alone?" he asked as he came to stand in front of me. I looked up and adjusted my slightly shorter skirt, making sure it covered my knees at least, and shrugged.

"It's been boring so far." I answered, placing the cigarette between my lips and trying to light it the same way I had seen Father Boss and Matthew do without burning myself. I was happy when I got it on the first try, feeling quite proud of myself as the smoke flowed successfully into my lungs. "Off to work? Would you like some company on your walk?" I asked.

"That would be really nice!" Matthew answered excitedly and offered out his right hand. I grabbed it with my left hand, I didn't want to burn him with the cigarette. He easily pulled me up so I was standing next to him. I handed the cigarette to him quickly, turning to go inside so I could lock up and bring the keys with me before leaving. When I came back I was pleased he would walk with me. It was a nice walk with us chatting while I quietly smoked. I had to keep pausing to drag it, I had only ever sat down to smoke before. The younger blond man was really sweet with it, and I really enjoyed being in his company. It didn't take long at all, time flew. So much so, once we got into town I really didn't want to let him go off to work. I stood there, cigarette still burning. I guiltily dropped it to the floor and stubbed it out. Standing there I wished he could just spend more time with me at the church instead.

I went inside and used a little of the cash Father Boss left for me to get a candy bar for breakfast. With no one to cook for, I found no reason in frying eggs and bacon just for me. Back at the church I kept myself busy down in the basement, preparing for the next Sunday school. I enjoyed spending my time working on the space, adding more to the room and getting the supplies in order for the next lesson I would be teaching. It was so quiet though. I missed Father Boss' big footsteps clomping around and of course his strong voice coming through the floor above.

"Miss Julia," the high pitched voice made me jump as I turned to see Margret coming down the stairs. In her hands she had a vase of blue and pink flowers, bringing them over to my desk where I was sitting, placing them in front of me. "I figured this place could use some color to brighten things up a bit more. It's amazing what you've done down here already."

"Thank you, but I don't know if I can keep them alive till Sunday." I admitted, leaning closer to the flowers to take in their aroma. It reminded me of how Matthew smelled when I would get close to him.

"I know. I will bring more for Sunday. I just thought it would be nice as he is away to have them around to cover the smell of Father Boss' cigarette smoke." The woman stated, her nose wrinkled a bit as she shook her head. "Such a bad habit..." Margret mumbled as she went to the stairs again.

Sniffing around, I got up from my desk and wondered just where she was smelling the smoke. Everything was spotless. That was before I turned quickly back to the desk and suddenly got a whiff of the smoke. I thought about taking a sniff of my own hair. It dawned on me. She was actually talking about me for sure. I smelled strongly of cigarettes and now that I was thinking about it, it was time for a little break. I could do with another. I giggled a little, thinking about how I would not have even considered having one had Margaret not said anything.

Going out for that smoke as I sat there, the smoke twisting off the cigarette, occasionally the wind blew it over me, I thought about next time I went with Matthew to the shop, getting some body spray to keep with me in my bag. Only that I was very aware that I was not only trying to impress Father Boss, but the whole congregation. Though that brought another question to my mind as I brought the filter back to my lips. Should I even continue smoking now that Matthew caught my eye? I had started just to spend more quality time with Boss but it seemed the man wanted nothing more to do with me. I forced the smoke from my lungs. Was smoking redundant for me now? Just why was I doing it?

"Miss Julia?" That voice had me jumping again on my cold stone seat. There was no hiding the burning cigarette between my fingers as the smoke swirled in the gusting wind from her as I looked back to Margaret as she stood right behind me at the top of the steps by the door. "I guessed you might be here."

"Oh Margaret, I thought you had already left for the day." I could feel my face turning red as I suddenly felt humiliated by being caught by such a sweet genuinely lovely and godly woman smoking outside a church. But, there was nothing I could do, I was already there, so I just sat there, brazenly taking another slow long puff off it.I felt as if I needed it. My heart was thumping overtime with fear. I really required something calming and I truly felt the long deep drags on the cigarette were, at that moment helping.

The older woman seemed to look past my "naughty" actions, ignoring the cigarette and the smoke completely as she came down the stairs until she was standing in front of me once she got all the way down. "I am actually about to go. I just wanted to speak with you about something. I know things are... and I do pray for you, we all do, rather strange at the moment since you were unfortunately kicked out of your home and I also know that gratitude you have shown Father Boss to allow you to stay here but... the longer it goes on, it's going to cause some talking throughout the church if you know what I mean, especially if you're not careful." she explained, shaking her head. She took a deep breath before continuing. "And if I can be very honest in the eyes of God I believe, you're both not being that careful at all. As such I just wanted to extend an offer to you. I have a little one bed apartment above my garage. My husband built it for my mother, god rest her soul, that isn't being used now. If you would like... and I think you would, you're welcome to it." She paused and held her chest for a moment and looked to the sky clearly praying for her lost mom.

My eyes widened at this, and my heart melted a little, firstly about her losing her mom, and secondly shocked that she would even think of something so nice and kind like that for me. It was so sweet of her and at that moment, I wondered if it was the best move for me. To get out of the priest's home and give him back the space he seemed to crave. I would no longer be in his way.

"That is so nice of you, Margaret. But I... as you know, don't have any money. I wouldn't be able to pay for my stay there. I earn my keep here by cleaning...working around the church." I explained waving my hand with the cigarette around, further swirling the burning smoke between us, unsure of the whole situation. Part of me wanted to escape the little house and go with her, the other part of me was reluctant for yet more change in my life, to leave my comfortable little room in Father Boss' home.

Margaret smiled, her warm old face crinkled around her hazel eyes as she waved it off, "Don't worry about that, dear. You won't need to pay for a thing and I wouldn't mind you keeping up your good work here either. It's your calling it seems." She reassured me, watching intently as I took one last drag and then stubbed out the end of my cigarette beside me on the gray stone step and winced at the black mark left behind before I carefully tossed it into the overflowing flower pot that Boss and I used as an ashtray. Yes, Boss and I... then made a mental note to empty it later on as I winced again for the first time looking at the large pile of black ash and the squished brown stained filters. It was truly unsightly. I turned and focused on Margaret.

"Thank you. Can I... have time to think about it?" I asked, instantly feeling bad I didn't jump at the opportunity right there and then. It was time for me to have my own place after staying with Father Boss for so long now. It had already been several weeks and more recently things were clearly getting strained between us. It would be best for me to go, but it was hard to make another big change out of nowhere. Either way, I had to stick around for the rest of the week to take care of the church while he was away.

"Of course, the offer will still be there for you." I was thankful for Margaret and her kindness. It meant a lot to me to have such a close church family.

After talking with her I went back inside and did some more cleaning up, before making sure to dump the big ashtrays outside both the church and the house in the bin as I went back over to the house and had a quick sandwich for lunch. There wasn't too much to do in church other than sitting around the pews and acting like Father Boss' PA letting people know as came through looking for him that he was unfortunately out of town and would not be back till Saturday. The hours drifted by painfully slowly, but once it got closer to five thirty, as a creature of habit, I found myself back outside, waiting to see Matthew walking back from work. I was vibrating to tell him about Margaret's idea, needing to tell someone.

I perked up the moment I saw him walking into the yard from the sidewalk. He gave me a stunning smile as he came over, holding a small bag in his hand. "Hey, brought you another chocolate bar." he said as he held the bag out to me. I laughed as I took it, thanking him for thinking about me as I put it beside me on the step. Checking his phone, Matthew held his hand out in front of me. "Want me to light up your five thirty cigarette for you?" he asked with a little sparkle in his blue eyes.

Thinking about it for a moment, I wondered if I should. I really needed to quit if I was going to be staying with Margaret in her apartment. Without Father Boss, there was no reason for me to continue. But, there was something pulling me to have another. Looking at the smiling Matthew I determined that there was no harm in at least one more. "Sure. You know me too well." I giggled gently as I took the pack out of my skirt pocket and pulled one of the cigarettes out, placing the filter between my lips. I leaned forward close to him after handing over the lighter, allowing the man to light up the end with the flickering flame. I liked having Matthew light my cigarettes. It was another way to get close to him. We stood there silently for a moment while I took in the first inhale, letting as Father Boss did, it settled in my lungs before forcefully blowing the smoke back out. I smiled at him,"So, I got some news!"

"Oh, go on?" His eyes sparkled in front of me.

"An exciting offer today from Margaret. She said I could come live in an apartment on her property. Rent free even."

"Really? That's amazing, Julia! I'm really glad to hear it. Donno what Father Boss will do with himself without you around though." Matthew laughed, coming to sit right below me on the step under the one I was on. I scooted my feet out of the way to make room for him, but my legs were still so close to him I could feel his body heat.

"I'm sure he will be fine." I said, waving away the idea that it would be any other way. Father Boss was probably looking forward to having his place back to himself since things between us were cooling down. "Would you... be interested in coming with me to check the place out before I decide?" I was watching Matthew so intently I almost forgot about my cigarette burning between my fingers until the long ash scared me as it fell onto my lap and I needed to quickly sweep it away. I took a quick drag as he momentarily thought about it.

"I would love to." He answered, looking up to me. "I'm sure the place will be just what you need. It will be your first time living on your own, right?"

It was my turn to think as I slowly nodded. "Yeah, but it's not really going to be on my own since Margaret and her husband will be on the same property." I shrugged. "I'm excited though. I think it will be really good for me after everything that has happened." The "everything" being lots of things I had to keep to myself. Maybe one day I would be able to share those historical moments with Matthew, but for now I was on my own with it all. "What do you think about going tomorrow before choir practice?" I asked. "I will ring Margaret so she knows you will be coming with me to check it out."

"Sounds fine to me. If I remember right, Margaret doesn't live that far from here. Probably not a very long walk." With that squared away, we spent a bit more time talking, well past the end of my cigarette. We ended up spending the better part of an hour together before it got noticeably chillier and Matthew needed to go and get home for his own dinner. We decided when to meet up the next morning and said our goodbyes. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a briefest squeeze of a hug before quickly releasing me.

I went to bed that night trying to think about only Matthew, trying to not let the other man cross my mind. I was not successful this time. I was so worked up by the thought of the younger man that again my body asked for attention. I ended up touching myself. I imagined what it would be like to be with him. To have him hold me and kiss me. As I thought of him having his mouth on different parts of my body my hand traversed touching myself along with the mental images. I thought of that feeling of having Evan's cock between my lips, pressing against my entrance. The image in my head would go between the two men, swapping them out for one another. Father Boss had now entwined himself into me and poisoned my mind with the amazing experiences that he gave. Every night I thought of him, his fingers caressing my breasts and then him equally naked thrusting deep inside me. I now wanted that experience again, and more. I knew if that was going to happen I needed to take full advantage of every opportunity.

Father Boss had changed me from a young innocent person. Sex was not something that I had EVER really thought about at all. Looking at boys and then men and appreciating them. But that was it. He had turned me into this naughty woman. One whose brain at night worked overtime dreaming of a naked cock thrusting passionately inside me, whilst during the day I could be standing in front of the mirror, a nice fitted t shirt which emphasizes my curves, my hair forcefully brushed back in a ponytail, highlighting my neck, wearing a much shorter skirt showing all of my lower legs. There was one other thing: a noticeable bulge of the open cigarette pack poking out from my skirt pocket. I certainly didn't even recognise myself half the time. I should confess all of this to Father Boss, and dismiss away all my sins. But that would be cheating. I would say that I actually liked this new me.

I am a bad girl

Chapter Twelve

That night I got some of the worst sleep I had ever experienced. I dreamed of so many different things in between spells of waking up and just laying in the bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. When I closed my eyes I dreamed of my new apartment and what it could possibly look like. I dreamed of Matthew A sexy naked Father Boss, a burning hot cigarette between my fingers that meant I kept coughing as it was bathing me in large clouds of reeking toxic smoke. I even dreamt of my parents at one point. Nothing felt right though, my dreams jumped and danced but all ending up seeming like nightmares as my eyes instantly shot open with me panting loudly in my eerily quiet pitch black surroundings. There was a heavy feeling of uncertainty. How could I be sure any of this was a good idea?

Morning couldn't come around fast enough. I was excited to get up and out of my dream world so I could focus on reality. Getting dressed in one of my plain skirts and blouses before going down stairs to take care of Father Boss' plants, as I had taken to first thing in the morning since he left. The living room was like a jungle, it took a while with the jug. After finishing it I checked out the door, it was still dark and spitting with rain so I grabbed one of Boss's coats and I slipped outside for a cigarette, noting that even in the inclement weather I was already badly failing with the idea of quitting. I was standing outside with a cigarette in the rain. But I needed it though, I really did, firstly it was nice to surround myself with the smell of Boss in his warm jacket but I had been awake so long, I was actually longing for something to sooth my nerves a bit after such a restless night. For those few minutes it worked. There was calm on the back door step as the gray clouded sky began to brighten a little as the sun thought about rising over the church to the east.

I came back in and for breakfast I had the chocolate bar Matthew brought me the day before, sitting at the kitchen table as I ate it, staring out the window at the pretty churchyard. I was going to miss mornings like that. Moreso, I would miss the mornings spent out on the back steps with Father Boss, remembering the time before things changed between us. It gave me a heavy feeling to even think about it now, so I quickly finished up my "meal" and went about looking for more chores around the place, mostly ending up restlessly pacing around, until it was time for Matthew to be going to work.

He worked a shorter day on Tuesdays so he could get home to change before he could lead choir practice that afternoon. Thankfully, I knew we would have enough time after he got off to go check out the apartment before he was needed at the church. I was beginning to know almost too much about the other's schedule, but we had grown closer over time.

It was still gently raining and by the time he made his way through the graveyard and over to me, but I had my cigarette lit and was ready to walk with him the rest of the way to work. I was chatty the whole way there, happy even in the rain to have someone to talk to finally. That was another thing that scared me about living alone, I would always be by myself. I was having a hard enough time during the short time Father Boss had been away. I missed having someone to cook for in the mornings. Sitting and having a cup of coffee with him before we went off to do our work. Walking with Matthew was nice, but I would have to give that up as well to go live in the apartment. Everything was about to change for me again and I was feeling more and more unsure about it as time went on.

Living at the church I felt like I was in the middle of everything. Always people coming and going. There were always people to talk to. This new decision might leave me more isolated than I had ever been before.

Outside the grocery store, Matthew and I confirmed our plans to meet there again in a few hours. When he went inside my heart fluttered a little when he waved goodbye. The doors shut, and I again felt alone. I wasn't sure what to do next. I didn't want to go back to the church just yet so for the first time in ages, instead I went a little farther into town where there were some shops. I didn't have any of my own money to spend, just the cash Father Boss had left for me, so I was just going to look around and get some ideas for what clothes I could make for myself. I needed to try and get my sewing machine back from my parents, but that didn't seem too possible at the moment.

I walked past a cute little bookshop on the highstreet, it had an A4 sheet in the window saying Part Time Job available. I sighed, and gazed at the sign. That was a job I could do easily, but with my time all but filled helping in the church, could I fit in a real job too? My parents would be happy for me, they were desperate for me to work. Plus if I moved out from the little house, I would want some money. I would very much need food. I hesitated, maybe I should stay with Father Boss after all. I didn't go in and kept walking down the street.