Bully

"Is something wrong, bro?"

"What? Oh, not really, it's just..."

"Just what? Todd? If you want I could ask him to not sit here anymore."

"No, you don't have to do that."

"I kind of feel like I have to, now that you're a friend of mine."

He said that like Todd never was. Those two were both on the volleyball team, and from what I could tell had been close friends for years.

"In case you're wondering, I don't want to be friends with him anymore. It's time for me to stop ignoring the facts: he's a homophobic bully, and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life."

My eyes widened. That was something I knew to be true for over a year, but I never expected somebody else to just say it, especially not one of his friends.

"I really am sorry for just watching him pick on you for so long."

I smiled. "I already told you that it's okay."

He nodded and we both packed up when we heard the bell ring.

*****

In a smaller high school like mine, word travels fast, and it didn't take long for me to learn that Todd's high school experience had changed just as much as mine had. He got cut from the volleyball team, so that was a huge part of his life taken away not far into his senior year. He also had fewer friends than before, and the ones who stayed sort of kept their distance.

It's not like I got a satisfaction from it, but I didn't feel sorry for him, either. As easy as it is to believe otherwise, what goes around comes around. A person can't get away with being a jerk forever, and the assault was the push that made everything catch up to him. He wasn't bullied, he was so big there weren't many people who realistically could bully him, but he didn't have people on his side the way he did in the past.

One thing I had learned when I first came out is that you shouldn't spend so much time worrying about how other people act. You can only control yourself, so you're the one you should keep at your highest standards. I treated Todd exactly the same way I always did, I avoided interaction with him at all cost. If other people didn't want anything to do with him, that was their choice. It was understandable, too. Nobody likes bullies or bigots, and he had announced to the whole school that he was both of those things. I didn't tell anyone to distance themselves from him, they did it on their own. Todd had made his bed, so he had to sleep in it.

It was around mid-January that something unexpected happened. I was going to the bathroom during one of my classes, and when I went in I could hear sobbing. My initial reaction was to leave immediately and give whoever it was his privacy, but then it occurred to me that I recognized the voice. It was a voice I knew all too well.

Todd was crying in the bathroom alone.

There was something about that, just as a concept, that sort of gave me pause. Still, I was the last person he needed to see at the moment, so I left and went to the men's room on the other side of the school.

For some reason I just couldn't get the image of Todd breaking down like that out of my head. I shouldn't have dwelled on it so much, it wasn't any of my business. That didn't stop me from thinking about it, though.

Later that month, something even crazier happened. One morning, there was an announcement that one of the cars parked outside every day had been keyed. It was a serious act of vandalism, and they said that any information that could lead to finding out who did it would be appreciated. I talked about it with Alan at lunch that day.

"Somebody keyed a car. That's nuts."

"Yeah, but you know what I heard?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I heard that it was Todd's car."

That totally caught me off guard. Now it was hard to see it as something random. Whoever did it probably knew it was Todd's car. I asked some of the other people at the table about it and they agreed that it was probably planned as well, but they weren't bothered. It's not like they applauded the vandal, but they made their apathy towards Todd and his property clear.

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. He didn't deserve to have his car vandalized like that, but I think I spent more time thinking about the reaction people had to it. Why was I so bothered by this?

I think part of it was the fact that things were still bad for him, even almost six months later. He punched me in the face, and that was a rotten thing to do to someone. He deserved to get suspended for it. I knew that was true. But did he deserve to turn into an outcast over it? My wounds healed up over time, but Todd was still paying for what happened.

I told myself that it was ridiculous to think like that, but then a little voice in my head interrupted my thoughts.

Is it?

As uncomfortable as it made me, I forced myself to really analyze the situation, look at things more objectively. All the signs pointed to him at the very least feeling guilty about what he did to me. He took his punishment without a struggle and seemed sincere enough in his apology. He also hadn't done anything to me since then. Yes, he had been a bully. He also targeted me mostly because I was gay. Even so...there had to be a point where enough was enough, right?

I tried to imagine what somebody would think if they just transferred in, knowing none of the backstory, and just looked at the situation. To them it would probably look like Todd was this quiet, reserved guy without any friends, one so many of the students hated. If that person then heard about what had happened, would all the animosity piled on him now really seem suddenly justified?

I thought about when I stumbled upon him crying in the bathroom a few weeks prior. Even at the lowest points of my experience I never did that. Was he just more sensitive than I was? It occurred to me that I always had a couple friends to lean on. As far as I knew, Todd didn't have anybody.

Then I had the most uncomfortable realization of all: most of the things I thought to myself concerning Todd's situation were things the other students probably thought when they saw what was happening to me. I had thought things like it's none of my business, it's not that bad, it's not up to me to do something about this.

I thought back to that time. How would I have felt if at somebody had stood up and told Todd to leave me alone? I think I would have probably felt grateful.

I had been mulling things over for almost a week when something happened that felt like a higher power presenting an opportunity to me on a silver platter. In a few days there would be a school-wide assembly about bullying, and at the end, there was going to be a chance for students to get on the mic and talk about their experiences or thoughts concerning that subject.

I didn't think I had an opportunity, and now I did. The only remaining question was whether or not I would take it.

That night at dinner, I tried to ask my parents about it, if in an indirect way.

"Hey, how do I know if something is the right thing to do?"

Dad furrowed his brows. "In what context?"

I shrugged. "Like, hypothetically. Is there a general sign or question you can ask?"

They both thought about it for a while.

"That's a tough question," my mom said. "One thing I've learned is that it's easier to look at situations objectively if they're happening to somebody else."

"Yeah," Dad agreed, "but I think the right choice is always the one with the most integrity. Like which option you would feel the best about looking back years later. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just wondering."

They both seemed unconvinced, but thankfully didn't press any further.

I thought about it that night in bed. I imagined that this was a situation happening to a total stranger, like something sent to an advice columnist. I also tried to imagine what course of action had the most integrity.

Both tests yielded the same result. I knew what I had to do.

*****

I was trembling when I waited in line for the open mic at the assembly. I'm not exactly the most outgoing or confident person in general, and I was about to speak in front of the whole school.

I had what I would say prepared. I only had one shot and wanted to get it right. I spent so much time adjusting what I would say, changing things so they came off the way I wanted. I put more effort into getting this just right than I ever had for an essay.

Once I got to the mic, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the sheet of paper with my little speech on it.

"To me, the worst thing about bullying is the dehumanization of it. You feel like you don't matter, or that you're not worth caring about, but one thing I've learned is that dehumanization doesn't just come in the form of beatings in the locker room or death threats over social media. It can also happen subtly, and needs to pile up over time for a person to feel the effects. It doesn't even have to be done with malicious intent, it can be bred out of apathy or even a sense of justice.

"Something that truly scares me about people, our age and older, is how quick we are to just hate each other. We see something, and the mistrust that forms may be justified, but we hold on to that and use it to discount other things the person does. Humans are imperfect creatures, and we're still kids, after all. We do stupid things and say stuff we regret later. It's hard to let things go and forgive, but if the person really puts forth a conscious effort to change, we should acknowledge that.

"I'm no better than anyone else. I hold grudges, too, and I know how it feels to be hesitant to come forward. You think it's none of your business or it's not your place to take a stand. The thing is, you can't control anybody else, you can only control yourself. If you choose to not speak up, you pass up doing the only thing you can about the situation, and there's somebody in this school who I really think needs a friend right now."

I took a deep breath, gathering my courage to say the final statement.

"I forgive you, Todd West. I believe that you're sorry and want to move on from what happened last year. I want the same thing."

I walked away from the mic and went back to my seat. The room was so silent I would have heard a pin drop on the other side of the room. Nobody talked. It didn't seem like anyone even breathed.

If this were a movie, the silence would probably be broken by a slow clap or something, but of course that didn't happen. All I heard was murmuring. Nobody knew how to feel about what I had just said. I felt so many eyes on me.

The next twenty minutes before the final bell rang were a blur. I didn't remember anything the remaining students talked about. I just registered that the bell rang and got up to leave.

No one approached me while I walked to where my bike had been locked up. There was just one person who wanted to talk to me, and he waited for me to come to him.

Todd was standing at the bike racks. He knew I took a bike home since we left school together last year when we both got detention. I'd head for my bike and he would go to his truck.

He looked at me, then looked down.

"Hey, Preston."

I tried to be genuine when I smiled back. "Hi, Todd."

He only said one thing to me before walking away.

"Thank you."

*****

That evening my parents both said they wanted to talk to me about something. My mind instantly went into panic mode.

"The school called us earlier," my dad started.

Fuck...

"What...what did they tell you?" I asked nervously.

"They told us something interesting, but we want to hear you tell us," my mom said. "Tell us everything."

I did. I told them about how my life got better after the initial incident, and how Todd's life became worse. I told them that I felt sorry for the guy, despite what he'd done to me. He seemed to try to be a better person, and people kept hating him. I asked them for advice on what the right thing was, and used that advice to decide to speak up about Todd being ostracized after the assembly.

I finished and looked at my parents, nervous about what they would tell me. They both showed some of the most anger I'd ever seen from them after my assault. How did they feel about what I did?

"Preston?" Dad asked.

"Yes, Dad?"

"I've been your parent for eighteen years now, and I can honestly say that I have never been more proud of you than I am right now."

My eyebrows shot up.

"I'm proud of you too, sweetie," Mom said. "That was big of you. You took the high road when almost nobody else did. I'm so proud to have you as a son."

"You're not mad?" I asked.

Dad laughed. "Why would we be mad?"

"I...I don't know."

"Look Preston, what Todd did to you was inexcusable, but he hasn't given you any trouble since then. If you truly forgive him, we will too."

I didn't know what to say.

Mom chimed in. "It's not over yet. You need to try to be his friend if you want to set the right example."

I nodded. I knew that I had to walk the walk. If I just told the school I forgave Todd but went right back to avoiding him, then the whole speech would just be virtue signaling, putting myself on a high horse without following through.

"What do you think I should do?" I asked.

"Start small," Dad suggested.

I nodded. Small I could handle.

*****

The following day at lunch, I walked around until I found Todd sitting on the floor against the wall, eating lunch alone. Without a word, I sat next to him.

Todd was surprised. "Preston?"

I nodded. "Hey, Todd. How's it going?"

"Uh...good, I guess..."

I started eating.

"Look, I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, but...you don't have to do this."

I kind of thought that I did, but I didn't tell him that.

"I'm doing it because I want to. I meant what I said yesterday."

He looked at me like I was an alien.

I glanced at what he was eating. It was a big sandwich that looked really good.

"Where'd you get that?"

"This? I made it myself."

"Really? I never made it past PB&J. Do you cook?"

He nodded. "A little."

Believe it or not, after the initial awkwardness, the conversation flowed easily between the two of us. We kept eating lunch together and things stopped feeling weird. I would never have guessed, but the two of us could become friends.

After eating lunch with him for a few days, Alan asked me where I'd been.

"Oh, I was hanging out with Todd."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

I nodded. "He's actually a cool guy."

He certainly looked confused, but not nearly as much as when I brought Todd to our normal lunch table the following day. I didn't say anything, I just sat down with Todd and talked to him normally. After a few minutes Alan eased himself into the conversation and the two of them seemed to get along just fine.

Never before had I been more aware of the fact that I knew next to nothing about Todd West. He was a bully, and I figured that that was all I needed to know, but now that he wanted to start over I found out that he wasn't bad at all. I actually liked being with him and talking to him. Especially at the beginning, he seemed guarded when I approached him, like he was trying to figure out my angle, but over time he relaxed, too. I had been so scared of him before, but against all odds he became one of my closest friends.

At one point it occurred to me that I didn't even know what his eye color was, so I took a look and was pleasantly surprised by what I saw. He had sharp, blue-green eyes that complemented his brown hair nicely. I looked a bit more before he noticed me staring at him.

"What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?"

"Huh? Oh, no, I just realized that I didn't know what your eyes looked like."

He gave me kind of a dubious look.

"Can I ask you kind of a weird question?"

"Um...yes?" I said hesitantly.

"Is it okay if I asked what kind of Asian you are? I've been wondering."

After a second of that question sinking in, I laughed.

"Yeah, it's fine. My dad is Japanese and my mom's Filipino."

He nodded and smiled. I think I had forgotten how handsome he was.

The weeks continued and we kept being friends with each other. It was nice. It felt right.

*****

A little after St. Patrick's Day I got a bit of a surprise. It was before school and I was just sitting around and not doing anything when I was approached by a guy I had seen around the school but didn't know.

"Hi, Preston. I don't think we've met before, my name's Chris Schaffer."

We shook hands.

"Are you a junior?" I asked.

He nodded. He was pretty cute. Like most of the guys in my school he was taller than me. He was wiry, but had nice curly hair and a great smile.

"I know that this is a little out of nowhere, but do you have a date for the prom?"

I had legitimately never even thought about the prom. I hadn't planned on going. I didn't even know that it was coming up.

"No."

"Okay, well...do you think you could go to prom with me?"

Wait, what?

"Like...as a date?"

"Well, we could just go as friends if you want, but I would prefer to go as dates. I've sort of had a crush on you for a while and figured what the hell?"

I blinked a few times. Actually going on dates with guys wasn't something I thought would happen in high school. I mean, obviously being gay is less common, but I also never really thought of myself as attractive. I was just the nerdy Asian kid, but this guy had a crush on me?

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, it's just sort of unexpected." I thought about it for a second. I couldn't think of any reason to turn him down.

"Sure, I'll go with you."

He flashed that grin again. "Like as friends, or as dates?"

I smiled back at him. "As dates."

The whole thing must have brightened up my day more than I thought, because when I got to the lunch table Alan noticed immediately.

"What's got you so chipper today?"

I grinned sheepishly. "I got a prom date."

"No kidding!" He congratulated me and clapped me on the back.

"That's awesome! You should meet up with me and Miranda!" He'd been going out with her for a few months, so he never had to worry about finding a prom date.

I nodded. "Totally." I turned to Todd. "What about you? Are you going to prom?"

He gave me a weird look before answering. "Nah, that's not really my thing. I don't have a girl to go with, anyway."

"That's no excuse," Alan said cheerfully. "I'll help you get something set up. Senior prom is a big deal, so you're going with us."

Alan, Todd, and I had become real close over the course of the semester. It felt right that we all would experience this as a group. Todd was hesitant, but both me and Alan convinced him to come anyway. Everything was falling into place, and I had a feeling that prom would be a night to remember.

*****

I had the stereotypical senior prom experience. My mom helped me with my outfit, I spent way too long getting ready, and Dad let me borrow his car to drive to the school. Once I got there, I met up with Chris, who looked incredible. His hair was gelled just right and his smile was completely dazzling. He even had a rose for me that he pinned to my lapel.

"You look stunning," he told me.

I blushed and thanked him.

We met up inside with our group: Alan and Miranda, Todd, and Jesse, one of Miranda's friends who agreed to be Todd's date for the night. The six of us had a good time: we took all the semi-embarrassing pictures, danced (some better than others), and enjoyed the refreshments. Miranda and Alan were already an established couple, they kissed and held hands and danced without reservation. Todd and Jesse were obviously not a couple, so they didn't act romantic at all, they just enjoyed themselves in the group. Chris and I were somewhere in the middle.