Bully

He started out the night with his arm around my shoulder, a rather friendly gesture that read as mostly platonic, but at some point in the night he switched to placing his hand on my hip. I had had zero experience, but even I knew what that signified.

During one of the slow songs, we danced and he looked me deeply in the eyes. He leaned forward, and I knew what was coming. He covered my lips with his and I had my first real kiss. He gently opened his mouth and stroked my lip with his tongue, making me open up so he could push further. After a few seconds he withdrew, grinning ear to ear.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "I couldn't resist."

I laughed. "It's okay."

We danced some more and I processed what had just happened. For a first kiss, it wasn't bad. It definitely wasn't explosive, though. It was just...nice.

After prom, our group went to a nearby restaurant to eat. It was fun, though there was something that got my attention. Amid the laughing and joking, every once in a while, I'd catch Todd looking and Chris and I, and he didn't seem so happy. I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean. Still, he wasn't bothered enough by whatever it was to say anything, so I didn't worry about it.

Afterwards, we all said our goodbyes and went to our respective vehicles. Chris gave me another kiss.

"You know, Preston, the prom night experience doesn't have to stop here," he told me. "If you want, you can come over to my place."

It took a second for me to realize what he was implying.

"Oh..."

I chose my words carefully when I spoke again.

"Look, Chris, I had a nice time with you tonight, and you're a great guy, but I don't think I want to take things in that direction with you. You think we could just be friends?"

He looked a little disappointed, but nodded.

"Okay. Can't blame a guy for trying. Can I kiss you one last time, though?"

I smiled. "I don't see why not."

He leaned in and kissed me. He stroked my tongue with his and held me possessively in his arms. After a few more seconds, he pulled away and took a step back.

"Okay, we're friends now. I'll see you around."

I said goodbye as he walked away. I went to the car.

*****

After prom, something changed in the relationship I had with Todd. Something happened, and he seemed to want to be distant. It wasn't a temporary thing, either. After a few weeks I was getting concerned. I asked Alan about it when we were alone.

"Am I crazy, or is Todd acting weird around me?"

He shook his head. "It's not you. Did something happen?"

"Nothing that I'm aware of."

I remembered the weird look he gave me and Chris during prom night. He didn't seem to have any reservations about my sexuality before. I decided that the best course of action would just be to ask him what was wrong.

I confronted him about it in class later that day.

"Todd, something changed ever since prom night. You've been avoiding me and I don't know why."

Todd looked like he wanted to run away.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I got annoyed. "Yes the fuck you do!"

A few other students heard and were looking at us.

He glanced around, looking embarrassed.

"Preston, you're making a scene."

"Well, pardon me for being concerned about my friend!"

"Please," he begged. "Let's talk about this later."

He looked mortified. I decided to back off.

"I'm holding you to that," I warned him.

After school, instead of going to my bike I went to Todd's pickup truck, parked at the spot Todd purchased for his senior year. It still had a long, ugly scratch mark from when it got keyed back in January. Todd never found out who did it and never got the damage fixed. I sat on the hood of the car and waited until he walked up a few minutes later.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Following through. You can't leave until we talk."

"Preston, you're being ridiculous."

"I think that that's mostly your fault. You're really making me worry."

He looked around helplessly.

"Do we seriously have to do this?"

I nodded.

Todd sighed. "Fine, but not right now. Let's wait until there aren't people everywhere."

I patted the spot next to me and he climbed on.

In the time we waited for things to get less crowded, I thought about how much things had changed, not just for me, but for him, too. In our junior year, he was sort of brash and loud. He fit the confident, masculine jock stereotype pretty well. But now he was much gentler. He was soft spoken and always concerned about what others were thinking.

I, on the other hand, changed in the opposite direction. I used to be so shy. I'd keep my head down and avoid talking to people, but ever since I gave that speech in February I'd come out of my shell. I got less concerned about what people thought of me. That day I acted in a way that I wouldn't have dreamed of a few months prior, I was assertive and even a little bossy towards Todd.

"Todd, I am being kind of ridiculous, and I'm sorry about that. I just want to know what's wrong."

"It's okay," he assured me. "We have to have this conversation sooner or later."

Maybe twenty minutes later, things calmed down and the lot mostly emptied of people. I turned to him.

"Alright, Todd, this is as private as it's gonna get. Please tell me what's been bothering you since prom."

He nervously drummed his fingers against the hood of the car.

"Preston, I think it's for the best that we stop being friends."

I blinked a few times. There is no way I just heard that.

"Excuse me?"

He looked down.

"I don't think I can be friends with you anymore."

The shock turned to anger.

"Why the hell do you think that?"

"I...I can't answer that..."

I was so mad I started laughing uncontrollably.

"No, no, no, that's not how this works, Todd. You're one of my best friends, you can't just leave without even the courtesy of telling me why!"

He kept silent.

"Todd! Say something! Say anything! Why do you hate me all of a sudden?"

"I don't hate you," he muttered. "It's worse."

"You're scaring me! What's worse than that?!"

There was a long pause before he spoke again, so quietly I could hardly hear him.

"I love you."

For the second time in a few minutes, I felt like I got knocked flat on my ass,

"You love me?" I asked.

He nodded, head still hung in despair.

I had no idea how I was supposed to reply to that. It took a few minutes before I found the courage to speak again.

"If you want to talk some more, I'm happy to listen," I said gently.

He took a deep breath.

"Back in junior year, I wasn't really sure why you bothered me so much. I could tell that you had a crush on me, but my reaction was so intense I knew that that couldn't have been it. I was confused, so I took it out on you. Then...the incident happened."

There would only be one thing he could have meant by that.

"I think that that was when I put together why I got so upset when I thought you were coming on to me. I was attracted to you, too."

My jaw dropped. He continued.

"I never felt that way about a guy before. I couldn't accept that. The notion that I was gay was too hard to swallow. I'm not a homophobe, at least I don't think I am. Gay people in general don't bother me, but I refused to believe that I was gay, or bi, or whatever. That's why I started avoiding you when I got back from my suspension."

Wait...he was avoiding me? I didn't know that. I guess I was too busy avoiding him to notice.

"But...but then you told the whole school that you forgave me. You wanted to be my friend. I couldn't believe it."

He raised his head at last so he could look at me.

"I still felt weird being around you, but I thought I had my feelings under control. Then prom happened. When I saw you with that Chris guy, I knew I still had feelings for you. Not just that, they've gotten worse. I was jealous of Chris. After becoming your friend, I fell for you without even knowing it. But I know that you could never love me back. That's why we can't be friends."

The silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I softly put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Todd. I never knew."

"You don't have anything to apologize for."

I thought for a moment before speaking again.

"Todd, is it really so bad that you can't be friends with me? Because I still want to be friends with you."

"Are you sure? Even after all this?"

I nodded.

"It's all just so confusing," he said.

I patted him on the back.

"Well, if it's any consolation, it's not like we have much longer. Graduation is right around the corner. Do you think we can stay friends until then?"

He shrugged.

"I think we can try."

I grinned. "I'll take that."

I climbed down from the hood of his car.

"Thanks for talking about this with me, dude. I'm sorry for holding you up like this."

He dismounted right after me. "Don't worry about it. Like I said, this conversation had to happen eventually."

He walked over to the driver side of the car.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Preston."

I nodded. He got in the car and drove away.

*****

The final months of my senior year were some of the best of my life so far. I had made so many new friends, Alan, Todd, Chris, and others. It felt so good to not just have friends I could be with, but just to feel like I could belong somewhere.

Things were still a little awkward between me and Todd. He loved me, and that created some dissonance, but I knew that I wanted him to be my friend. I didn't really know why I was so adamant about keeping him close to me, but I was sure that I had to be with him for as long as I could. For about the millionth time, I marveled at the fact that I was such good friends with the guy who used to be my bully, who punched me in the face and called me a faggot.

We approached graduation, a turning point in the life of everybody. Whether you were planning to go to college like I was, work like Todd, or join the military like Alan, graduating high school is the time where you know you're not a kid anymore. You may not be an adult yet, but you definitely had different expectations put on you than you ever had before in your life.

That scared me, and what also scared me was that there were so many people who, after graduation, I knew I likely wouldn't ever see again. I hadn't known them for that long, but throughout my very eventful senior year, they'd become a part of me. People like Chris, or Alan.

Or Todd. For some reason he was the one I wanted to say goodbye to the least.

Still, time marches on, and before long we were facing graduation. The ceremony was held on campus, and it was pretty standard as far as graduations go. We sat around and walked up when they called our names. The band played Pomp and Circumstance so many times the tune was permanently etched into my brain (Chris was a band kid, and this would be his third year at it, thankfully his last), and we all got our diplomas.

It was alphabetical, so Todd was among the last names called up. I knew that I had quite the senior year, but his was an emotional rollercoaster. I was proud of him. He did something horrible, but really put everything he had into redeeming himself, even during the months when nobody would give him the time of day. He had gone from my worst enemy to probably my closest friend.

Even after he sat back down I still kept thinking about him. He had become so humble and kind. He turned his life around. That was powerful.

But our lives were taking different paths, and we probably wouldn't see much of each other in the future.

That really bothered me. That got under my skin, though I couldn't exactly pin down why.

After the ceremony, when I was with my parents, I still kept thinking about Todd.

A few minutes later, Chris approached me.

"Hey, Preston. Congrats."

I smiled. "Thanks, man."

He nodded. "I'm glad I met you, even though we haven't known each other for very long. I'm happy I could be your friend."

"Likewise." Sort of an odd way to put that, but the sentiment was still there.

He put a hand on my shoulder, suddenly getting serious.

"As your friend, I need to give you some advice."

I raised my eyebrows. "What?"

He gave me a little smile. "I'm pretty good at reading people, and I could see you most of the time today. I saw your reactions throughout the ceremony, and I can tell that you are dead in love with Todd."

My eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

He chuckled. "I don't know the details of what happened between the two of you, and it's not really any of my business, but you're starry-eyed over him. Anyone could tell that if they knew what to look for."

I let that statement sink in. He thought I was in love with Todd? Why would he say that? It's not like I—

In an instant, everything snapped into focus and I felt like I got whiplash.

He was right. I didn't know when, how, or why it happened, but he was right. I was in love with Todd. Everything that had been bothering me the past few days started making so much more sense.

He saw the realization flood my expression and smiled sadly.

"I wish it was me who could do that to you, but I still want you to be happy."

He looked me in the eye.

"Go."

I nodded. I told my parents I needed to leave right now, and they must have heard the desperation in my voice, because they put up no resistance. Knowing who Todd was as a person, he would be heading out sooner rather than later. He wasn't the type to linger. I jogged outside and turned to look at the parking spot. I thanked whatever higher power that Todd had a designated parking space that he'd rented that year. I knew where to look for him.

A few seconds later, I spotted him, and I almost had a heart attack when I saw him getting in his car.

I didn't know his phone number, or his email, or where he lived. While it likely wasn't the case, at that moment I was certain I would never see him again if I let him get away.

I broke into a dead sprint. Somehow, even over the distance I could hear his truck's engine start. He was about to drive away, drive out of my life.

I ran as fast as I possibly could and screamed at the top of my lungs.

"TODD!! WAIT!!"

He heard me.

I am not in shape. By the time I got to him I was panting so hard I could barely talk.

"Preston? What's wrong?" He asked, rattled.

I tried to speak in between gasps.

"I need...to talk...to you I...have to...before..."

He waited for me to calm down.

"You're really determined when you want to talk to me, huh?"

I remembered how I sat on his car a few months prior. I smiled a little.

"I need to tell you this more than anything."

He nodded. "Okay, but we're not doing this in the parking lot again." He got in the car. "Hop in."

I complied and he drove us to the baseball field, a part of campus totally devoid of people. We took off our gowns we had to wear for graduation. I looked at him, dressed in a button down shirt and slacks. He looked so handsome.

He lowered the tailgate of his truck and took a seat.

"What's on your mind, Preston?"

"I've been thinking about graduation and what lies ahead for us," I began.

He nodded.

"High school isn't forever. It's not like we'll see much of each other going forward. It's sad, but true. The problem was, I couldn't really accept not seeing much of you anymore."

He raised an eyebrow.

"I almost couldn't put this together in time, but Chris helped me figure it out."

For the first time in a while, I started feeling that nervousness around Todd. I pushed it down the best I could before I spoke.

"I love you, Todd."

He had absolutely no reaction for what felt like thirty seconds. Then his expression hardened.

"That's not funny."

I got sort of scared.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't say that to me. Don't be cruel."

I was completely dumbfounded. "Cruel? What are you talking about? I love—"

"SHUT UP!" He screamed. I realized that he hadn't raised his voice even once since that evening after detention with me. His eyes were shiny.

"DON'T LIE TO ME LIKE THAT! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?!"

"I'm not lying! I love you, Todd!" I was getting hysterical myself.

"YOU CAN'T LOVE ME!" He cried. "I'M A PIECE OF SHIT!"

He took a few breaths before he started sobbing into his hands.

"You can't love me," he whimpered. "I'm the bully that hurt you. I don't deserve your love. Please...please don't be so cruel..."

As he cried, I sat down next to him. I tried to think of what I could say.

"You were a bully, and you did hurt me," I told him, "but that's in the past. You're not that person anymore, Todd."

He shook his head. "It doesn't work that way."

"Yes it does," I said gently. "You changed. You're not a bully. You're the nicest, sweetest guy I know."

He cried some more.

"I still did all those horrible things," he said. "How can you be so kind to me?"

"Because you proved to me that you're not that kind of person. The Todd West that hit me last year is gone. I know who the real Todd West is. He's sweet and gentle and a good friend. He's the man I fell in love with."

He shook his head, still crying into his palms. I knew he felt bad about what he'd done, but I didn't know that it was eating away at him like this. He was still punishing himself over it, even after so long. I put my hand on his shoulder.

"I forgave you. Alan forgave you. Everybody forgave you. I think it's time that you forgive yourself."

He whimpered.

"Todd, I love you."

He shook his head again.

"I love you."

He kept crying.

I stood up.

"I love you!"

"Preston...p-please..."

"I LOVE YOU!"

"D-don't..."

I was screaming now.

"I LOVE YOU, TODD WEST! I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!"

He wailed and burst into hysterics.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!!"

He cried out, his voice thick with tears.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH!!"

He cried so hard, and I felt myself tear up, too. I did what felt natural and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and sobbed. Eventually we were lying down in the back of his pickup, him crying his eyes out and holding me like I was going to be taken away from him. After about ten minutes, he finally brought himself down.

"Thank you so much, Preston." He whispered. "I thought I had ruined things with you forever."

He gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I'm so happy."

I nuzzled his neck a little.

"I'm happy, too. I'm so glad we could figure this out before it was too late."

He carded his fingers through my hair.

"You didn't have to love me," he said. "I don't know how I could ever repay you."

He stroked my cheek and I leaned into his hand, enjoying the affection.

"You could take me out to dinner first," I offered. "That sounds like a good place to start."

He laughed weakly. "Yeah, that sounds fair." He pulled me close and hugged me tight against his body.

"I'm going out with my parents tonight," I told him. "Graduation and all, but I'm free after that."

He petted my face and hair some more.

"How does tomorrow night sound?"

I smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

He kissed my forehead again before placing my body down next to him and sitting up.

"On that subject, I should probably be getting you back to your parents."

I nodded and we got back in the truck.

*****

Todd picked me up the next night for our date. He gave me a peck on the cheek when I got in his truck with him.

"Hey, Preston."

"Hey, Todd." Just his name tasted so sweet on my lips.