Change - More Change

It didn't kill me or even knock me out. I guess my own head is pretty hard, but it hurt. Really hurt, and I was stunned. I somehow got back to my feet and immediately started feeling nauseous and like I was about to pass out, but NOW that Soloist was grabbing the rope and I had to struggle with manually releasing it so that I could lie down.

About then this little 20 something girl comes running around the corner and starts cradling my bleeding head in her lap. Her and a couple of guys were climbing just a little ways away, out of sight around a bend in the cliff face, but close enough to hear the pretty dreadful sound of my body hitting the ground. I didn't yell or anything falling because I was sure the Soloist would finally grab as I rotated on thru and got upright. But that didn't happen. Not before contact with the ground.

Anyway, after a bit the nausea went away and I sat up, then stood up. And these kind souls helped me all the way back to the parking area, carrying my backpack and gear for me.

There was an ambulance waiting at the parking area. One of them had called 911 almost immediately. They checked me out and wanted to take me to the local hospital but I decided I could just drive on home to Chattanooga and then get looked at there. They wrapped my bleeding head with some gauze bandage but that is all they would do if I wasn't going with them.

So, I drove my Jeep back to Chattanooga and stopped at a local 24 hour hospital associated "Critical Care" clinic. They wanted me to go the ER, but after assuring them I never was unconscious, the doc sewed my scalp up - 22 stitches - and gave me a prescription for some percocet for pain, just a couple of days worth, after warning me to just take aspirin for the rest of this day and night and make sure I wasn't alone - in case I passed out and couldn't be easily woken up.

So, I staggered on home way earlier than the plan. I was planning on camping out overnight and climbing a little more the next day and getting home early afternoon. Cindy and I planned on going out that Saturday Night with Frank and Terri, Doc Travis and Nurse Betty (his paramour and favorite clog dancer also on the team) and maybe even Jean alone, since Tom was out of town. It would have been fun, but I came home early...

Cindy didn't hear me come in the house. Bill didn't hear me either, since Cindy was making so much noise as Bill screwed her in our bed. My bed.

My head already hurt too damn bad to kick his ass.

I was able to yell pretty loudly, "Get the fuck out of my bed! Get the fuck out of my house!"

I did get their attention. Bill and Cindy just looked at me, at first - then Cindy must have noticed my bandaged head and kind of gasped.

I just turned around at that point and grabbed a beer and went onto the back porch/deck combo.

I heard a little bit of loud conversation, then the front door opening and shutting.

Cindy appeared before me.

"What happened to you?"

I know she meant my head - but my heart hurt far more right now.

"You did. Just leave, Cindy. Go someplace else. Anywhere else. I don't care. I just need to be alone now."

Cindy looked real sad and hesitated, but then turned away and left and now I was alone again. And my fucking head really did hurt. Fuck.

Somehow I got thru the next three days. I didn't sleep much, so I guess that trauma doctor would have been pleased. I got the percocet the next day and saved them for bed time to maybe help me get some sleep. One problem was all the stitched up parts were sore to the touch so I had to try sleeping mostly in a sitting position. I had a travel sleep neck pillow and that was a life safer. That and the percocets and a couple of beers let me at least go to sleep in a mostly sitting position each night.

Then I would have some nightmares and jerk awake after four or five hours.

So, what now? I was just a hardworking, sober, and quiet guy doing the best I could for my first wife and daughter - and she left me for another guy, or got taken away by another guy, anyway.

So I tried remaking myself into more of a fun loving, partying, actually performing before live audiences, kind of guy - and my new wife of not even one year has been taken away and/or left me for another man, anyway. What was I doing wrong? What was there about me that led to these same kinds of results? And I still had my estranged daughter and granddaughter to worry about.

Oh well, thank god Cindy and I didn't have any kids together. Guess I dodged a real bullet there. Maybe she just married me for my money. Guess I'll be hearing from her lawyer pretty soon wanting half of everything. No way for me to finesse or protect anything from her now.

Somehow it wasn't all that important to me. Somehow this hurt far, far more than what Darlene did to me. I can sort of understand what Darlene did and share the blame. I was the one that DID go away for a whole year. And we had been together for 20 years - so "the thrill" was certainly fading a tad, the blush off the rose, in our relationship. And Darlene, lovable Darlene, wanted me to stay around as her "husband no. 1" still - she just needed "husband no.2" too. But that still hurt - I didn't want to share her and I just couldn't. Not made that way. But I was just able to spread the pain out and handle it all better then, somehow.

But with Cindy I was still hotly in love and lust with her. And I really thought she felt the same way about me. I was just so screwed up, when it came to women, that I'd better really take a step back now, was all I could think.

I didn't go to practice the next Tuesday or Thursday. I was screening my calls pretty carefully. Cindy never called. Frank called me Friday and I answered.

"Hey, Joe - what's going on? You and Cindy free any this weekend, want to get together and do something?"

"I'm a little under the weather right now, Frank. Don't think I am up to anything this weekend."

"Oh. Sorry to hear that. I guess that's why you and Cindy missed both practices this week. Is she sick too, or just taking care of you?"

"Oh, she took care of me, alright. Yep. I am planning on making next Tuesday's practice, just to touch base with everyone, even if I don't feel like dancing much.

"What's everyone doing this weekend? Any plans made?"

"Bill and Judy were talking about getting everyone maybe going to the Electric Cowboy Saturday night. If you guys aren't going I'm thinking Terri and I will also pass.

"You don't sound like yourself, Joe...it's nothing serious, is it? Maybe Terri can bring you some of her country homemade chicken soup?"

"Not life-and-death, Frank. I'll be OK, I'm feeling better every day, just not up to going out this weekend. You guys should go and have some fun. Don't worry about me."

"Well, OK, Joe - you call me if you need anything. Anything at all. OK?"

"Yep. Thanks Frank, say hi to Terri for me."

I guess I was feeling a little paranoid. I couldn't believe Cindy wasn't at those practices. Hell, she knew all the core people before I did, and she lived for the clogging and partying and...other stuff, I guess. I didn't really know what Frank knew already, or not. Shoot, maybe Cindy and all her buddies were all in on it and just laughing at "poor dumb Joe."

When the people you love most in the whole world betray you, hard to trust anyone else, at all. Maybe it was time for me to just hunker down in my personal fortress of solitude. If I still owned this farm after the divorce dust settled.

But that afternoon Terri did come by and brought a big pot of her soup. It smelled good as soon as she walked it in the door.

Soon as she saw me her eyes got real big. "My gosh, Joe - what happened to you?"

"Just a little climbing accident, Terri. Not that big a deal - just a few stitches in a superficial scalp wound. No brain damage - not that I ever had much of a brain anyway."

"Well, where's Cindy? Working I guess, since she hasn't got what you have, obviously!"

Terri tried a little laugh here, but failed. Terri was a sweet country girl herself. But she was almost a genius when it came to "feeling" other's moods and emotions - even or especially hidden ones.

"You really don't know, Terri? Haven't heard anything at all?"

What Terri could NOT do, was hide her own emotions - her own special empathy wouldn't allow it.

"Heard what, Joe? I didn't even hear you were injured. We missed you last Saturday night but just figured something came up and you'all couldn't make it. As far as I know, no one's talked to you or Cindy this week. Isn't Cindy just at work, right now?"

"I don't know. Cindy left last Friday night and I haven't seen or talked to her since."

"Geez, Joe - what happened?"

"Because of my accident I came home earlier than Cindy expected. She was in bed with Bill."

"No way! Cindy doesn't even like Bill. We both laugh at him, the slimy weasel. He has been hitting on me, Jean, and Cindy all the time. Sure, he pretends it's all harmless flirting but it's more than that and it's getting real tiresome. In addition though, Judy has been going after Frank real strong too and Frank is getting interested. He's been trying to get me to agree to a one time swap but I just don't find Bill the least bit attractive. He's too city slick for me - and I don't care how big his prick is, what Judy likes to advertise. They're just a couple of sickos, to me. And I don't want to share Frank, darn it. I sure wish he would grow up and just want me as much as I want him. Only him." Sigh.

"Yeah. They tried all that 'ethical' swinger BS on me too. When I first joined the team but also after Cindy did. I guess I'm missing all the ethics of Bill screwing Cindy behind my back. I just never ever expected Cindy to do that. We were BOTH cheated on by our first spouses and she made a big deal how important faithfulness was. Guess she was lying - about that and all kinds of things. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop right now."

"You really don't know where Cindy is? I really need to talk to her. Please don't give up on Cindy, totally, Bill. You know my own - well - witch'in ability to sense emotions, and I never ever thought Cindy was lying all the times she told me how much in love with you she was."

"Maybe she has her own witch's power to hide her true self even from you...I just don't know...

I figured maybe she had moved in with Bill and Judy - but if she didn't I don't know where she might be."

"I'll check around and see what I can find out. You just take care of yourself right now and get your head all healed up. You DO have some real friends here and we'll all work together on healing your heart. Please hang in there."

"OK, Terri - like I mentioned to Frank, I'm planning on showing up at practice Tuesday. See you then, I guess."

I went to practice the next Tuesday, showed up about an hour after the normal start time. The team was in the middle of a routine and everyone else seemed to be there. Even Cindy. Cindy saw me and almost stumbled, turning a little red in the face. Maybe she didn't expect to see me. She was actually dancing with Tom during this routine. I couldn't help thinking it should have been me. Just a mental reflex - damn it!

I stood there quietly and watched them dance. Cindy was still just a joy to watch dancing - poetry in motion.

All the bandages were off now and I was back to normal showers as the stitches dissolved. No infection, thankfully. The gashes were mostly hidden in my hair, now - but noticeable to anyone who really looked.

After that routine ended, Frank and Terri, Tom and Jean came right up to me. They all wanted to know all about my accident and how I felt now.

"There's still some bruising tenderness that too much movement leads to headaches - so I don't plan on dancing tonight. I just wanted to see everyone and make an announcement..."

They all looked at one another.

About then Judy comes up and says, "Joe, can I talk to you just a minute, privately."

Everyone else nodded and moved away.

Talking very softly, Judy continued, "Bill told me what happened. What he did. And I am so mad at him I could spit. I have already apologized to Cindy for his behavior towards her and you, and I want to apologize to you also."

"So, you kicked Bill out?" I asked quietly.

"Not yet - but I might."

I nodded. "When I walked in Cindy didn't appear to be getting raped. She wasn't tied down. She wasn't drunk or drugged. Or at least not much. She walked out and drove off just fine that night, I think. I was just a little out of it myself, then..."

"I don't know why Cindy did what she did, or even what she did. I do know that you weren't on board with it, at all - and neither was I. Bill didn't tell me about it till afterwards and that is NOT what our deal is. And now a lot of people here are upset. You are and so is Cindy, I am and so is Bill now because he knows how upset you were and probably still are, and how upset I am."

"Well, hold that thought. I may just have a solution to all this sudden drama."

So I kind of walked out into the dance floor and raised my voice, using my audience MC projection, "Hey, can I have everyone's attention for just a minute, please?"

Everyone kind of gathered round. I had planned this whole little speech really ripping Bill and Judy and their ethical swinging lifestyle, but now I thought why bother? Cindy looked a tad pale and a lot unhappy. Terri was right beside her in support.

"Uh, if you haven't heard yet, I had a little climbing accident Friday a week ago. Took a bit of a fall but luckily landed on the most impervious part of my body - my hard head. Nothing serious and no permanent damage, maybe just a little scarring in my scalp. Anyway, I don't feel like dancing right now and can't for a while because of the lingering headaches. And - well - some other things have happened in my personal life right now and I think it would be best all around if I took a bit of a break from dancing with Southern Nights.

"So, I won't be back at all for the foreseeable future. The last year or so, dancing with you guys, has been one of the best periods in my whole life. I wish the team nothing but the best. My decision now shouldn't affect anyone else, and no, not even Cindy.

"I need to go now as my head is starting to pound again, but I wanted to tell you'all personally. Maybe I'll see you out dancing someplace and if so, I'll be clapping louder than anyone else. Goodbye."

Everyone looked a tad shocked as I just walked out. Evidently Terri and Frank had kept the true story to themselves. Just maybe some good would come of this as Frank understood how slimy Bill, at least, really was.

Cindy ran out behind me and caught up with me in the parking lot.

"Joe," she started and her voice kind of broke a little. "I'm just so sorry. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed I just don't know what to do. Can I come back home? Is there the slightest chance for us, our marriage..." and she started crying a little, and then continued.

"You sent me away and never called or anything to come home. Is this it? Are we really over? Terri called me on my cell, and told me you were planning on coming here tonight - and that's the only reason I came. Just to at least see you."

"What's the point? We weren't even married a year. At least with Darlene it took her 20 years to get bored with me enough to want someone else. You didn't even last one year. I thought I was improving myself, somehow, to be not so dull and boring, be a better husband, but I'm going the other way real fast. Maybe my ideas about letting a woman kind of choose me is just all screwed up, too. Darlene chose me way back when, and then she chose someone else - or really liked Archie's chasing her. And then you came along and also made the first move, choosing me, I thought. I guess I shouldn't have let that happen. Maybe I should just go after Lisa. Thanks for the lesson."

"Oh, Joe - I'm not the least bit bored with you and I loved our life together. And I'm not Darlene. I can't...I don't even know why I ended up in bed with Bill. I didn't invite him over, he just showed up looking for you, he said, and then he just wouldn't stop pestering me. I don't find Bill irresistible, but he was just acting clownish enough I didn't brain him with a skillet or something and make him go away. And then he produced a joint and asked me if I smoked. Well, I have gotten high a few times in the past and I thought if we smoked a bit he'd get mellow and leave, so I just finally gave in to him on that. Part of it, maybe, is the mere fact I'm incredibly jealous of you, Joe. That night you spent talking to Lisa...well, I was jealous and Bill noticed. He's been using that too. I shouldn't have listened to him, at all...but I did. And after I got a little high Bill didn't let up. And when he finally wore me down that night and we got in bed, what you saw was basically me faking enjoyment to get him OUT of bed just as soon as possible. It was all wrong. I was wrong, handled it all wrong.

"I am so ashamed, so sorry that I did it and that you saw me. I knew right then how hurt you were about what I was doing, and you were injured and I couldn't even take care of you! I broke my own heart as well as breaking yours. I don't deserve it but please take me back! Don't go after Lisa or anyone else.

"And no matter what, I'm not goin' around Bill anymore at all. If you're not dancing with Southern Nights, then I'm not either. And please don't stop dancing, at least. There ARE other groups out there. You could even start your own, now, you know. And I'd try and help you do that, if nothing else. Please."

"Shit, my head hurts too much to talk about all this. You can come home and get your stuff, or whatever. Nice to know I guess, you'll pretty much sleep with anyone that just 'pesters' you enough or gives you a joint.. Well, you don't have to worry about me. I won't be pestering you no more..."

"OK, Joe. Thank you. I'll be there in just a little bit. I need to settle up some things here, first."

I drove my Jeep Wrangler on home. Found out later Cindy went back inside and also pretty much resigned from Southern Nights and told them all the truth about her and Bill. That it was one of the worst things she had ever done and if it cost her me, not her marriage per se, but just my love, then she would never have a single happy memory of dancing with Southern Nights. Then she walked out.

The next month was pretty dismal. I was depressed and so was Cindy. My head finally healed up completely and I rode my motorcycle a tad. Wasn't up to climbing again, yet, and didn't have any clogging practices or performances to do, and I did miss the good times social activities I was now used to. Nothing was fun anymore and I didn't even have work to occupy me.

And, I still had the same problem of being estranged from my daughter and granddaughter.

Cindy and I were co-existing as basically roommates. We weren't sleeping together nor being intimate in any ways. We weren't talking much either. She was still going to work, and even occasionally still booking Southern Nights for gigs, as far as I knew.

Finally one Tuesday Cindy said, "I've invited some people over for a cookout next Saturday. Frank and Terri, Tom and Jean, for sure. A few others might come. Is that OK with you?"

"Sure, you live here too. I can find something else to do Saturday."

"No, Joe. Please, can you stay here and try to be sociable? They all want to see you. They are your friends Joe - and they didn't do anything wrong."

"I suppose you want me to grill?"

She smiled just a little. "Yes, Joe. Everyone likes your BBQ pork shoulder and special homemade sauce. I'll handle everything else, just like normal..." And her voice trailed off.

Here it is. Time for just the inertia of sadness to end. Despite just maybe how much I was masochistically enjoying this sadness and anger - mixed with the sadistic joy of Cindy accepting her own sad punishment so willingly. Unless she was faking it. Hell, maybe she was only acting sad around me and still screwing Bill or someone else.