Collection of Erotic Film Reviews

LOST RIVER

2014 Thriller /horror movie. Directed by Ryan Gosling. Strange story about a single mother and her teenage son and daughter who are living in a remote town in the US where a river and a town have been lost beneath a reservoir. There is a fabled curse on the area from some unresolved issues lying at the bottom of the reservoir. The mother takes a job performing in a bizarre and dubious horror theatre with sexual overtones. An average film with bit of a mix of plot lines as often happens with horror films to build suspense but watchable. 5/10

LOT LIKE LOVE (A)

2005 Formulaic repetitive frustrating romance. Amanda Peet is good in this and almost saves the day but the plot is just too unrealistic and frustrating. By the time the plot reaches an outcome you are past caring. Would be a better film if they took out 20 minutes. 5/10

LOVE AND OTHER IMPOSSIBLE PURSUITS

2011

Also known as The Other Woman. Drama. Natalie Portman. Young woman tackles a raft of sensitive and heavy issues e. g. a marriage breaking affair, a baby that dies suddenly for which she feels responsible, the wrath of first wife, a precocious stepson, divorced parents, unfaithful father, all in short order. A thought provoking film, and credible, but emotionally draining. A sad film of end to end battles, disappointments and emotional challenges. Definitely not a happy movie to watch. This film is billed as a comedy-be warned it is absolutely not a comedy. 7/10

LOVE CRIME

(2010) Drama thriller. French film with sub titles starring Kristin Scott Thomas. KST plays a manipulating game playing super bitch boss from hell who systematically tries to destroy and humiliate an up and coming high flying female executive who works for her but threatens to out shine her. A good plot in which things get out of control and turn sinister. A watchable well acted good thriller with some twists and turns. The script is dodgy in places but possibly it was lost in translation. 6/10

LOVE EXCHANGE

2001 soft porn . Do not watch this movie. It is complete rubbish. It is supposed to be soft porn but is just boring and repetitive . It consists of nothing but a continual series of unerotic boring simulated encounters between all the characters in every possible combination with appalling acting and a stupid story. 2/10

LOVE RANCH

2010 Drama. Film based on a true story set in the late 1970s in Nevada's first legalized and very successful brothel. The ranch is run by strong but long suffering wife played by Helen Mirren who is married to an objectionable and unpleasant philanderer Charlie. He decides to broaden his business interests by taking on a heavy weight prize fighter with a view to having a pop at the world championship. But events take an unexpected turn when an unlikely love triangle develops with his wife with explosive results. Watchable but barely adequate film despite Mirren's best efforts to save the day. The best aspects are the American cars and the scenery. 4/10

LOVEWRECKED

2005

Teen film . Light and shallow teen RomCom but if you watch it for what it is the plot is actually quite amusing. Superstar is marooned on a desert island with one of his obsessed fans (or so he thinks). 4/10

LOVING ANNABELLE

2006. Teenage girl with high profile political parents in USA joins new posh boarding school in USA and falls in love with female teacher. A lesbian relationship ensues which is destined to end in tears. Sympathetically and credibly handled. TV movie feel. Average watchable film. Weak ending. 5/10

LOWER CITY

2005 Steamy sexual drama about two low life youths who form a love triangle with a young prostitute. At first it works but increasingly the boys become unwilling to share her. The film depicts a harsh life living in poverty and where violence is never far away. The film is reasonably well acted , but is somewhat disjointed, and has a disappointingly weak and inconclusive ending. A watchable film throughout though. Brazilian film in Spanish with sub titles. 5/10

LUCKY ONE (THE)

2012.Romantic drama about a US Iraq war veteran who returns to the USA and goes to work for a woman whose lost photograph he found in battle. Gradually they form a relationship. Yes it's a cheesy chick flick but it is sensitively done and makes for a sweet predictable pleasant romantic drama. It is reasonably well acted and very watchable.7/10

LUST , CAUTION

2007 Chinese film. Unusual theme of Chinese resistance against the Japanese in WWII. A young girl from the resistance forms a very dangerous relationship with a senior Chinese collaborator with the aim of arranging his execution. The heroin inevitably forms an emotional attachment to her intended victim. Very explicit sex. Chinese speech throughout with English sub titles which at times are too quick to read. Over 2 and a half hours long. I quite liked it. 6/10

MA MERE

2004 Drama. Controversial French film with sub titles. A unique film in terms of the subject that it addresses (incest), that will offend most people. A young ,sexy, and promiscuous mother initiates her 17 year old son into her sexual , and emotionally dangerous high jinx. Initially everyone has fun but the boy increasingly becomes confused, obsessed, and infatuated with his mother leading to a disastrous, shocking, and highly disturbing ending. This film would be unwatchable by all but the most broad minded viewer, but is certainly different , and actually well acted. 6/10

MADAME BOVARY

(2000) BBC film based on French novel about woman who marries a doctor but is unfulfilled and bored. She embarks on a string of passionate affairs and runs up debts and it all ends in tears. A bit slow and long. 6/10

MAN UP

2015 RomCom. An excellent and thoroughly modern comedy romantic drama made by the superb performance of the female lead Lake Bell and the equally terrific male lead Simon Pegg. A truly modern comedy with an amazing script which absolutely captures modern British dating culture and etiquette (I say this without the practical experience of course!) A brilliantly amusing and entertaining film.9/10

MARGARITA

(2013)

Lesbian romance. Drama about a young lesbian Mexican nanny who is a domestic goddess upon whom her employing family rely for everything. A spanner is thrown in the works when the family decide that behind their wealthy facade they are broke and the nanny has to go. All hell breaks loose without her and predictably they realise they cannot do without her. Against this backdrop, the nanny has an on-off relationship with the girl she loves whilst simultaneously fending off various male suitors. A love-conquers-all feel good light romantic comedy. Watchable. 4/10

MARIA'S LOVERS

1984 Romantic Drama. US soldier returns from horrors of fighting Japanese in WW II . Marries his childhood sweetheart but cannot consummate the marriage. OK in parts but much poor script and poor acting. The title is misleading-this is no steamy romp. 4/10

MARINE STORY (A)

2010 Lesbian drama. A reasonable adequate low budget film based on true events that attempts to make a serious point about the US military policy of discharging female officers discovered to be gay. The woman mysteriously returns home unexpectedly from what should have been a long and distinguished career to the surprise of her friend and family. The story concentrates on her new civilian life after having fought in Iraq. She devotes herself to preparing a young wayward rebellious girl to be ready to apply for the military herself. A watchable but fairly unremarkable film. 4/10

MARTYRS

2008 Horror thriller drama. French / Canadian movie in French with sub-titles. This is the daddy of sick, macabre, brutal torture movies. Scantily- clad nubile young girls are imprisoned for years on end in isolation and abused and degraded in the basement of this horror house. It portrays the gruesome extremes of cruelty and sadism in as graphic form as any film before it. There is enough blood and terror and violence to satisfy anyone's appetite. It is a terror porn movie. Thankfully much of the worst scenes are shot in the dark! But there is a plot and later in the movie the reason for all this will be revealed and it will surprise you. Not one to watch with your granny! 5/10

MASTERS OF SEX

SERIES 1

2013 Season 1, 12 episodes, romantic made for TV drama. Story set in 1956 based on true events about the pioneering study work of sex therapist Bill Masters in a US hospital. However this is no serious docudrama. This is wall to wall hot romp and a literally hot bed of affairs, and relationships and emotional human behaviour writ large. There is much sexual activity in this production although all carefully cut and sanitised to make it suitable for US television. What make this particularly appealing is the high quality of the individual acting performances, the script, the rare and fascinating subject matter, and the intriguing characters. The two main leads, Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan are just exquisite. As a bonus you get the fantastic and lavish 1950s sets, wardrobes and fabulous cars. You will either find this very repetitive and boring, or you will love it. Personally I am in the latter category. 9/10

MASTERS OF SEX

SERIES 2

2014 Season 2, 12 episodes, romantic made for TV drama. Story set in early 1960s based on true events about the pioneering study work of sex therapist Bill Masters in a US hospital. However this is no serious docudrama. This is wall to wall hot romp and a literally hot bed of affairs, and relationships and emotional human behaviour writ large. There is much sexual activity in this production although all carefully cut and sanitised to make it suitable for US television. What make this particularly appealing is the high quality of the individual acting performances, the script, the rare and fascinating subject matter, and the intriguing characters. The two main leads, Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan are just exquisite. As a bonus you get the fantastic and lavish 1950s sets, wardrobes and fabulous cars. You will either find this very repetitive and boring, or you will love it. Personally I am in the latter category. Series 2 is every bit as good as Series 1. 9/10

ME WITHOUT YOU

2002 Drama. Interesting story about two female childhood friends who form a close bond that endures through their adult lives. But this film attempts to really examine the realities of such a close friendship between the women and how it is not always a positive or healthy thing due to how they often make each other feel. Their relationship is particularly tested when they both fall for and sleep with the same lecturer at university, and also by the love between one of the girls and the other's brother. Eventually, thirty years later, things kind of get sorted out, and there is as close to a happy ending as you'll ever get but mainly due to them becoming weary and pragmatic from the realities and compromises of life. Better than most films of this genre. 6/10

MON AMOUR

1997 Soft porn. Very sexually explicit story about wife nymphomaniac. Italian film with sub titles. Minimal plot, tasteless gratuitous nudity and poorly acted. Italia Rubbishimo. 3/10

MY SUMMER OF LOVE

2004 love drama (Lesbian). Two 16 girls from different ends of the social spectrum enjoy a summer friendship in a Yorkshire village and growing intimacy. The love between them is sensitively handled and there is a detailed and credible observation of how they bridge the gulf of affluence and education. It is a touching story well acted . 7/10

NAKED

1993 Drama. Typical hard hitting Mike Leigh film about low life, and abuse of women. Violence, rape, drugs, hopelessness. Bleak, depressing , moving, but a very good film. 7/10

NATHALIE

2003 French film with sub titles. A wife sets up her serial philandering husband with a prostitute and then forms a friendship with the prostitute herself in order to hear about the encounters. Typical slow, ponderous and pedantic and pretentious French film. Unnecessarily long and strung out. Not even particularly erotic. 4/10

NELLY AND MR. ARNAUD

1995 Romantic drama. A subtle French film with sub titles about love and relationships. I liked it although not as much as many other reviewers apparently. It is a typical French film, i.e. slow and ponderous and lengthy but better than many French films due to the excellent acting and credible characters . It is a low key slow burning observation of human behaviour without much action. Watchable but could be a bit uneventful for many. 6/10

NINE AND A HALF WEEKS

1985 Erotic drama. Kim Bassinger. Shame-this iconic erotic film has not aged well. No longer warrants an 18 as you will see more explicit sex on regular TV nowadays. Kim Bassinger is superb and saves the film and really carries off well her insane obsession and infatuation with the Mick Rourke character. She is totally credible. Alas Micky Rourke is not and has only one facial expression throughout the entire movies i.e. a supercilious smirk. He just looks a smug and self satisfied b*****d throughout. Not the sensation I remember but watchable. 6/10

NINE SONGS

2004 A poor soft porn and not so soft porn drama. Said to be the most sexually explicit film ever put on general release. Based on a rock star performing 9 songs in concert with each performance interspersed with an explicit sexual encounter with his girl friend. But it is not erotic , and the characters are not developed, there is no story, and almost no script. Don't bother. 2/10

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

2011 RomCom. All American modern romantic comedy based on the friends with benefits scenario. Two busy twenty somethings attempt to maintain a purely physical relationship of convenience. Of course the inevitable happens in this predictable storyline but actually the acting is not bad, with a great performance by Natalie Portman, and the script is modern and credible. The end product is entertaining with a nice happy slushy ending. More a chick flick for a wet afternoon but better than average and definitely watchable. 6/10

NOCE BLANCHE

1989 Romantic Drama. Typical French film-slow and ponderous but not as watching paint dry as some French films. A well worn plot- a Lolita charms and induces obsession in a middle aged married man. You know it will end in tears. It is not if but when. Why are French supposed heart throbs always dodgy looking , and overweight with paunches? It does succeed as a convincing love story and is touching , all the time knowing that it is all doomed like watching Titanic. There is some mild nudity but no explicit sex and of course it is sub titles. It is watchable but this is no Fatal Attraction or An Education. 6/10

NOT HERE TO BE LOVED

2005. French with sub titles. Another French film that moves at a snail's pace and populated by repressed characters who cannot express their or show feelings. Two saddos meet at a Tango dance class, one of them supposed to be engaged. Almost nothing happens except the man's father dies. Like watching paint dry. So slow moving. I watched the second half twice in case I had fallen asleep the first time-but I hadn't! Fans of French films might be charitable and say it was a detailed observation of delicate nuances of relationships. Boring. 3/10

NOTEBOOK (THE)

2004 Romance. Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams set in 1940s and present day. This chick flick weepy deals with issues of dementia and a love affair between a couple from different social classes. Very well acted, and quite moving. Very watchable and thoroughly recommended. Only criticism is that it goes on for 10 mins too long and seems to have had an extra ending added which is super cheesy . 8/10

NOVO

2002 Erotic drama. French with sub-titles. Unusual film about a young man who has almost no memory retention and survives through making copious notes in a notebook. He does however enjoy a very active sex life , vividly recorded, with two very attractive women and every time is like the first time for him! The film starts weird enough but is watchable and entertaining. However as the film progresses it gets increasingly strange and surreal and incomprehensible as French films so often do. 4/10

NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS

2010. Trashy black comedy drama . Who would watch a film with such a title?!! I watched this as a joke and a dare by a friend. This film delivers exactly what it says on the tin ie continuous naked nuns and more and more guns as the film progresses- so at least it's true to its title! You are going to have to be extremely flexible and broad minded to get through this. Clearly it is a blasphemous, irreverent tongue in cheek offering aimed at sending up the Catholic Church. Not much plot except that one of the abused nuns gets a message from God to go on a killing spree and obliterate all the gangsters and prostitutes in the local, small town, especially those who have been habitually raping the nuns. Prolific nudity and extremely graphic violence. A good pick for Christmas Day to watch with your family and granny. 3/10

OBSESSED (2009) Low budget erotic thriller . Temp attempts to seduce corporate executive with increasingly extreme tactics. A third rate Fatal Attraction. Reasonable acting by main players lifts the rating. 4/10

ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE MIDLANDS

2002 Very good British comedy drama about a love triangle , funny, but sinister, characters are all wacky but credible. Very watchable and recommended. 7/10

ONE DAY

2012 Anne Hathaway. Romantic drama about the lives of 2 university graduates who meet on their last day at Uni and become best friends and maintain an in off relationship throughout their lives. He turns out to be a frustrating commitment phobe who tantalizes her with possible long term devotion but continually lets her down causing her to waste her life on him. Sad and highly credible. Love story about taking ones chances in life when they arise, and playing your cards when they are dealt to you. And it is absolutely about not messing about with , and taking for granted, the people who love you and deserve better. A superb and excellent film. 9/10

ONE MORE KISS

1999 Drama that has a dodgy script and with wooden acting. The story is disjointed and implausible with an unsuccessful attempt to overlay a couple of themes. The soundtrack is also embarrassing. The heroine who is terminally ill returns to Scotland from New York to pick up with a now married old flame, and also rekindle her troubled relationship with her father. Overall the film is just about adequate and watchable but no more than that. It tries to be very moving but the film is just not convincing enough to make you care and ends up just being cheesy. 4/10

OUT OF TIME

2004 Erotic Thriller. Police Chief seduced by clever mistress. Great plot. A very good film. 7/10

PAINTED VEIL (THE)

2006 Romantic Drama set in the 1920s that ends in tragedy. This is a very good film with depth and substance. The main characters are developed, and the film is beautifully crafted , and superbly exploits the Chinese stunning scenery and landscapes. Edward Norton is superb as the enigmatic , repressed, intellectual, do gooding, save the world micro biologist. Naomi Watts is equally superb as his spoilt, philandering, young gorgeous, frustrated wife, who grows in stature and maturity throughout the story to come to love, admire and respect her husband. It is mostly well paced, although perhaps a little slow in the middle of the film. Recommended. 7/10

PAPRIKA

1989 Erotic farce / fantasy about a young country girl who goes to work in a brothel in Italy. The film charts her rapid rise through the ranks as she gathers fame and fortune. Much nudity throughout, but the film fails to be anything in particular as it is not that funny, and the acting is too awful, and the plot too silly, for it to be taken seriously as a drama or erotic. In the end it is boring and repetitive. Directed by the supposed maestro of erotica, Tinto Brass. Italian film with sub-titles. 3/10