Coming to Grips Ch. 04

Slowly Colby could see that at least part of Suzanne's reluctance was that they worked together. It was already awkward. Jim had her spending most of her time with Suzanne to make sure she had what she needed. For both of them there were stressful moments when one or the other bit back expressing frustration for fear of hurting the other one. In the past, Suzanne would directly confront the issue, and move on. Now things festered.

One afternoon when Suzanne had an appointment with the probate attorney, Colby came to Jim's office. The tense look on her face was a common one these days.

"Jim, do you have a moment?" Colby asked as she stuck her head in the office.

"Sure, come on in," he replied. The way Colby came in and shut his door gave him a disquieting feeling. She sat down on the chair opposite his desk and folded her hands in her lap. "Okay, what's going on?" he asked.

"I had an offer to join another company. It is a full-blown marketing position so it is a step in the direction I want to go. After thinking about it and looking at how things are here, I think it's best to take it. So I'm giving you my two weeks' notice," Colby said. Her eyes were moist and shining, showing the emotions that she felt.

"Wait a second, what do you mean by 'the way things are here?'" Jim asked.

Looking him in the eyes, Colby felt her cheeks blush. She didn't say anything.

"Oh," said Jim and was quiet too. He looked down and then finally back at Colby. "Listen, I don't care if you and Suzanne are involved. I can't lose you."

Colby felt something snap inside her. "That's just it, Jim, we aren't. I love her, and I'm pretty sure she loves me back, but we aren't involved. Something is holding her back. You know how damned honorable she is. I think because it is "wrong" to be involved with a co-worker. Maybe that isn't all, but at least it eliminates one possibility." Colby's voice was shrill as her anger and frustration burst forth.

"Oh," he said again. His weak response took the wind out Colby's sails. It wasn't his fault. "I assumed you must be. And I didn't care. Actually, that's not true. I was glad for both of you." He saw that Colby's emotions were getting the best of her. Tears slowly ran down her cheeks. He pulled a tissue out of a box and handed it to her.

"Look, Colby I understand. I want you two to be happy, but if you two aren't involved now, I don't think leaving will change things. If working together is an issue, it's only because it lets her hide from the real reason. I know her well enough to see she loves you, but until she can love herself ..." Jim stopped as he felt a lump in his throat. Suzanne was like a daughter to him, all the more so because of her recent troubles. He swallowed a couple of times. "Until then, she won't let herself be loved," he finally finished.

Staring at Jim for a moment, Colby mulled over his words. Then she nodded as the tears started to come harder. "I'm so fucked," she whispered, more to herself than to him.

"I don't think so, Colby. She is so much better than she used to be. That's all because of you, but you can't change a lifetime very quickly. You just need to keep being there for her," Jim said. At first, she didn't really hear his words, but then they slowly penetrated.

"It's hard," Colby said.

"I see that," Jim replied. "Look, if I thought this was good for her, I would wish you the best of luck in leaving. I don't think it is. We need Suzanne at close to 100% for the next couple of months. And I think if you leave and aren't here to help her, she will fall apart. You know her too well to think that she won't try to do what needs to be done. She would push herself to the edge." He paused. "Then she would go over it. And I could not stop her, short of firing her."

It was impossible to deny Jim's logic. In all her internal debate, Colby missed that. "Oh my God," she thought. "She would break and ..." Her mind refused to go down the path, at least not consciously. The twisting of her stomach was the result of her unconscious conclusion.

"Can I suggest this?" Jim said. "Put them off, tell them I need you and offered a huge bonus to stay for three more months, which I will, as well as match your new salary. And after that, you can go. If need be, I will call whoever it is and get them to agree. Failing that, I will find you a new position in three months, one that is acceptable to you. Provided of course, you still want to go." Emphasizing with his hand, he went on. "You see Colby, this way you get what you need; I get what I need; and we both get Suzanne what she needs."

Having made up her mind to leave, it was not easy suddenly to reverse her course. As she thought about it, Colby realized Jim was right. She couldn't do it when it would hurt Suzanne like that.

"Okay, Jim. You win. I'll call them and negotiate the start date. If I need help, I will let you know," Colby said as she took the hand he offered and shook it.

"Colby, I hope someday she will be able to tell you how lucky she is to have you," Jim told her with a fatherly smile.

Blushing, Colby worked on getting herself back under control. Fortunately, she learned a fair amount over the course of the year about negotiating. It was time to practice it. It would be nice not to need Jim's help.

After that, things got somewhat better. Colby decided to be a little firmer with Suzanne about issues and deal with them as they came up. It wasn't long before Suzanne felt comfortable in doing the same thing and some of the tension lessened at work. Colby also found that having a deadline made it easier to let things take their own pace. She was still waiting, but she didn't mind now.

The tipping point came on a rare Saturday when the two of them were not together. A friend of Colby's from college was in town. Colby was showing her the sights. In the evening, they would come by and pick up Suzanne so all of them could go to dinner. Curled up on the couch with Tuptim on her lap, Suzanne was close to finishing proofreading a report when the doorbell rang.

"Sorry, Babycat," Suzanne said softly in response to her meow of protest at losing the lap. "Gotta get the door," she told the cat as she went to the door.

Opening the door, Suzanne found a woman there that she did not recognize. She was shorter than Suzanne, but who wasn't? Her hair was jet black and cut very short on the sides, barely more than a quarter inch while the top was a bit longer but standing straight up and spiked. The color was too black to be natural. From under her shirt and jacket, tattoos extended up her neck and onto her cheeks all the way to her ears. They were vines and flowers in black and gradients of grey. They drew Suzanne's eye and she realized she was staring.

Looking back at the woman's face, Suzanne tried to halt the blush she felt spreading across her cheeks from being caught staring. Her intense sapphire blue eyes were enough to hold Suzanne's attention. She had only seen eyes like that a few times before.

"Oh my God," Suzanne suddenly whispered. Looking again, she took in the entire woman. Her face was more sunken with lines on it that Suzanne wouldn't get for a long time, as if the woman had lived longer than her years. She was thinner too, but her eyes, her nose and those lips; Suzanne knew her.

"Hi Suzanne," Chloe said. Her voice wasn't the same either. It was raspier. Like her face, it was the voice of someone older.

Suzanne felt her knees weaken and she almost fell before catching herself on the doorknob. Chloe jumped forward to grab her and help stabilize her. Suzanne tried to wrench herself away. She didn't want Chloe's help. She didn't deserve her help. Chloe's grip was too strong and she supported Suzanne as they moved back into the apartment.

Worried, Tuptim jumped up and nuzzled Suzanne. "I'm fine, Tup, I'm fine," Suzanne said as she felt most of her strength come back. She looked over at Chloe. It was almost like looking at a specter. The shadow of the Chloe she remembered was there but obscured by her physical presence.

Having shut the door, mostly so the cat would not get out, Chloe looked at Suzanne. Inside Chloe felt the pain that kept her away. Trying to be honest, Chloe admitted that it was a different pain now. For years, the pain of Suzanne's rejection festered. She couldn't take the thought of seeing Suzanne for fear of it bursting. For the last couple of years, she was free of that pain. Instead, the new pain was knowing that Suzanne was hurting too and being unable to help her. "Be truthful," Chloe yelled in her mind. It was being unwilling to forgive her and help Suzanne find some peace.

"Hi," she said again. "I hope it's okay that I came in," Chloe said.

"Yeah, it's fine," Suzanne replied. She tried to look at Chloe but found it impossible.

"I was in town and wanted to come by and see you," Chloe said, forgiving herself for the lie of omission. She was only in town to see Suzanne. There would be a visit to see her mother later, but only because she was so close. "My mom told me where you were living when she told me about your parents. I am so sorry, Suzanne."

"Thanks. It still doesn't seem real," Suzanne said as she stroked Tuptim. It gave her something to distract her from Chloe's presence.

"How are you doing?" Chloe asked her.

Suzanne was quiet. There were so many ways to take that question. Looking down at Tuptim, she tried to focus. "I'm okay. Taking each day as it comes."

"I guess that's all you can expect now. You know, it's nice to see you, Suzanne," Chloe said with a little smile.

Raising her eyes to look at Chloe, Suzanne couldn't help expressing her surprise. "It is? I can't imagine why." Chloe winced from the pain in her voice.

"It is. Suzanne, high school was a long time ago. I am not holding on to that," Chloe said. She unzipped her jacket. "Do you mind if I take this off?" she asked.

"Go ahead," Suzanne told her. She resigned herself to this conversation happening. She watched as Chloe shed her leather jacket. Underneath, she was wearing a simple black t-shirt that hugged her body. The little puckered scars along the veins of her arms drew Suzanne's eyes. Her stomach churned. As soon as she realized she was gawking, Suzanne averted her eyes.

It wasn't quick enough for Chloe to miss. She looked down at them. "Sometimes I forget they are there," she said in a soft voice. "Most of the time, though, they are a reminder of where I don't want to go again." She looked back at Suzanne and saw that her face was flushed again. "It's okay, Suzanne. You don't have to feel embarrassed for me." When Suzanne winced, Chloe looked at her again. Sighing, Chloe got up and came over to sit next to Suzanne.

"This," Chloe touched her arm, "isn't about you. This was my own doing, my own bad choices."

Suzanne looked into Chloe's blue eyes. They were the only things about her that didn't seem to have changed. "It is," she said in a tiny voice. "If I hadn't treated you so horribly, it might not have happened. Your life would have been different."

"You don't know that, Suzanne. You don't know anything about my life, except maybe what you heard second hand," Chloe said. "I don't blame you." She put her hand on top of the one Suzanne was using to pet Tuptim. She felt it twitch from her touch. "I don't blame you for anything," she said again. Slowly she closed her fingers around Suzanne's hand.

"From what I hear and see, you've been doing a good enough job of blaming yourself for both of us," Chloe said as she slid her hand down slightly so she could feel Suzanne's wrist. She waited for Suzanne to say something. When she didn't, Chloe went on. "Why is your wrist so bony, Suzanne? You were slender, not bony."

Looking at Chloe, Suzanne tried to say something. The words wouldn't come out, but the guilt she felt was washing over her like a tidal wave. Chloe felt her pain and put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her. She tried to ignore how fragile Suzanne felt.

"I'll be honest. I used to blame you for my problems, and I blamed my dad, and even my mom. Until I was able to stop blaming others, I couldn't deal with those problems. It took me a long time to accept that I made those choices. I was to blame. It took me longer to stop hating myself," Chloe said, as much to herself as to Suzanne.

She extended her other arm out. There were several bracelets on it and as she let them slide down, they exposed a small line across the inside of her wrist. "I know something about hating yourself so much that you would rather be dead, Suzanne," she said softly as she hugged Suzanne again. "And there are lots of ways to be self-destructive. Believe me, I know."

Reaching out a finger, Suzanne ran it along the scar. Looking back at Chloe, she finally spoke. "I never hurt myself."

"I didn't say you did. That doesn't mean you aren't self-destructive, Suzanne," Chloe said as she stared into Suzanne's eyes.

For a long time, there was silence as the two of them continued looking at each other. Finally, Suzanne dropped her eyes. "No, it doesn't," she quietly agreed.

"Suzanne, a lot of people have their hearts broken at 18 and never implode like I did. They don't get into drugs and hooked on heroin. Those were my bad decisions," Chloe said as she leaned back against the couch. It gave the two of them a little separation although her hand stayed on top of Suzanne's.

"I hurt a lot of people, because of those decisions, and it took me a long time to really want help. Eventually, though, I did. My mom helped me get back into rehab. It's been two years since I used. Every morning, I get up determined to tack on one more day," Chloe said with a little smile. "Some days are harder than others, but I am doing okay."

"I'm glad. Chloe, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I shouldn't have. I should have stood up to my parents," Suzanne said as she turned her hand upside down so she could hold Chloe's.

Turning to smile at Suzanne, Chloe shook her head. "I forgive you, Suzanne. I understand why you did it, but beyond that, I forgive you. Going through rehab teaches you the value of being forgiven. It helped me to move on, to have my mom, my dad, others that I hurt, give me real forgiveness."

Suzanne smiled for the first time. It was a weak smile, but it was genuine. "Thank you, Chloe," she said.

For a little while, they were quiet again. It was still overwhelming for Suzanne to be next to Chloe. During the last eight years, she was always a silent ghost in the room. Now the ghost was talking.

"Mom says you have someone in your life. I'm glad, Suzanne," Chloe said, breaking the silence.

Suzanne felt her cheeks blush. "She's just a friend," Suzanne quickly said. She started to take her hand away but Chloe held on to it.

"That isn't what Mom thinks. She is pretty sure your friend loves you," Chloe told her. She looked at Suzanne. "You think that I don't know what it's like not to feel worthy of love?" When a look of pain went across Suzanne's face, Chloe quickly shook her head. "No, Suzanne, I don't mean you. I'm talking about since then. You aren't the only woman I loved, and I hurt most of them. I lied to them. I stole from one of them ... cheated on one so I could get drugs. When I did this," she said, holding out her hand and showing the scar on her wrist again, "I was sure I was unlovable."

Chloe looked Suzanne in the face. "I'm with someone now. She loves me. She makes sure that I know I am worth loving every day," she said. She got a shy smile. "I love her back the same way. It took me a while to believe I could be loved, even after I fell in love with her. There was a time when I didn't think I would ever say this, but I am happy in my life."

Unbidden, Suzanne smiled a truly beautiful smile. In all her dreams and nightmares about Chloe, she never heard those words. Her imagination never let her picture a reality where Chloe was happy. It felt better than Suzanne would have guessed.

"I'm so glad," Suzanne said. Without thinking about it, she threw her arms around Chloe and hugged her. She felt Chloe returning it. When it ended, the grin was even bigger. "Tell me about her," she told Chloe.

"Her name is Gabriela, and she is Latina. She is a little older than me, 31, and we met at work," Chloe said. "It didn't take us long to start dating, but it took a while for things to be good. She's why I went into rehab and why it worked." Suzanne could see some of the pain that Chloe put Gabriela through to get to that point reflected in Chloe's eyes.

Sensing that Chloe did not want to talk about it, Suzanne changed the subject. "What is work?"

That put a big grin in Chloe's face. "Can't you guess?" she said as she touched the tattoos on her neck and arms. "We are both tattoo artists. These are hers," Chloe softly said as her fingers almost caressed the vines on her neck and cheek. "We opened a shop of our own a year ago. It's going very well so far."

"I'm happy for you, Chloe. That's great. She sounds amazing," Suzanne said.

"She is. She is the rock of my life," Chloe said. "Let me show you a picture," she added as she pulled out her phone. A couple of seconds later, she handed the phone to Suzanne. She guessed it was the day they opened their shop, as it was full of people. Chloe was wearing a tank top that showed off her tattoos. Her arm was around Gabriela, who was a tall, Hispanic woman with hair long enough to be pulled into a ponytail. She had on a similar top so that her tattoos were on display too. She was very pretty with dark eyes that reflected the happiness of the moment.

"Chloe, she's beautiful. You two look great together," Suzanne said as she handed the phone back.

"Thanks, she is. I can't believe my luck," Chloe said as she looked at the picture. The way she glowed made Suzanne envy her. She wanted to let go and just feel like that with Colby.

Almost as if reading her mind, Chloe looked at Suzanne. "Tell me about your friend," she said.

After hearing about Gabriela, Suzanne felt hesitant to talk about Colby. Their relationship wasn't like what Chloe had. "She's just a friend," she reiterated.

"I know; tell me about her," Chloe said neutrally but also clearly insistent.

"I met her at work too. She's my boss' executive assistant, but she is so much more than that. She helps me with the marketing and she's really good at it," she replied.

"Suzanne," Chloe said, gently interrupting her. "You know that isn't what I'm asking about?"

"Oh," Suzanne said with an embarrassed smile. "Okay. Let me find a picture of her." She got out her phone and looked through the pictures. As she went through picture after picture, she realized that she never took any of Colby. When they were out, it was always Colby with her phone out, either taking selfies of the two of them or telling Suzanne to pose for her. She felt her face burning as she thought about having to tell Chloe that she didn't have one. Finally, she found an old one early in their friendship. It was the first time that Tuptim crawled up onto her chest and fell asleep. She insisted on Suzanne taking a picture of the two of them. She handed over the phone feeling embarrassed that she only had one picture of the most important person in her life.

The picture was more of Tuptim than of Colby. It was only her face above the curled up ball of cat. Still, Chloe could see her radiant beauty. Rather than the shocking black of her own short hair, Colby had longer curly naturally black locks of hair framing her face. The most noticeable thing about her was her blue eyes. She smiled a little. That seemed to be a thing for Suzanne, though in truth they were quite different shades. Unlike her own sapphire colored eyes, Colby's were a piecing sky blue. Combined with the black hair, she was striking.

"She's gorgeous, Suzanne," Chloe told her. She couldn't help chuckling again as Suzanne blushed. "I forgot how often you did that. It never took much to make you blush, did it?"