Coming to Grips Ch. 04

"Okay, you can reach me in my car. I'm going to drive up now," Suzanne said after giving her the number. The call didn't last much longer and then Suzanne was already getting ready to leave. She hadn't changed from work yet, so it wasn't long before she was out the door. In the car, she sent Colby a text, letting her know what was happening and that she would get in touch when there was any more news. A few minutes later, she got a text back asking if there was anything Colby could do.

Suzanne sighed. It was another moment that reminded her of how important Colby was to her. What she really wanted was for Colby to be beside her so that she could feel that constant support and affection. It made such a difference when she was there.

"And I don't give anything back," Suzanne said to the empty car. "She may be good for me, but I don't know how I'm good for her. I'm so messed up, I can't be."

Dark thoughts surrounded her as she drove. "Colby is such a sunny person and so very caring; and she is stuck on me. She deserves someone better," she continued speaking aloud. "I'm too weak to do what I should do." Just then, her phone rang. It was her generic ringtone so she knew it wasn't Colby. She touched accept and said hello into her Bluetooth.

"Hello, Suzanne. This is Dr. Johnson. I just finished looking at your father and I've called an ambulance. I'm sending him to the hospital in Everett. It looks like it was flu that has developed into pneumonia. We need to do an x-ray and run some tests to be certain, but I'm worried. He has been sick for some days, and he hasn't been eating or drinking enough. He is pretty dehydrated." He paused. As the longtime family doctor, he knew Suzanne. His understanding of what she had been through was better than most. "He is a stubborn man, Suzanne. He won't let anyone help. If anyone is responsible, it is your dad. I just hope that his stubbornness will help him now."

"He won't return my calls. I would have been there but he won't let me in," Suzanne said. She always found Dr. Johnson easy to talk to, even if she could never bring herself to talk to him about her orientation while still growing up. The fact that he was outside their circle from the church helped.

His voice was calm as he spoke. "Suzanne, that isn't your fault. You didn't choose to be a lesbian. That people like your father refuse to accept that it isn't a choice doesn't make it any less a fact." She heard him sigh. "He is a good man in so many ways, but his treatment of you makes it hard for me to see that sometimes."

Suzanne was not sure what to say. It was so rare for anyone from home to take her side. "Thanks," she finally said. After a moment, she asked how sick her father was.

"I won't lie to you, Suzanne. The pneumonia is pretty bad. He should have come in a few days ago. His fever is high and he is drifting in and out of consciousness. When he is conscious, he is confused. Moreover, his breathing is very labored. I'm worried he has pleural empyema, or fluid in the area around the lungs." Dr. Johnson paused. "I hear the ambulance coming so I am going to go. I'll see you at the hospital, Suzanne."

After thanking the doctor, Suzanne ended the call and took out her earpiece. The lack of tears surprised her. She seemed to cry so often these days. "Maybe it's because I'm angry at him as much as I am scared for him," she said, starting to talk to herself again. The feelings from the memorial service had not gone away, nor the anger from her calls being ignored. They were the subject of many of her discussions with her therapist. Suzanne couldn't get away from the thought that he did this to himself. Dr. Johnson hit the nail on the head. Now she was facing losing someone else she loved, but this time because of his own action. "Damn you, Daddy," she swore softly.

Her phone rang again, this time playing Colby's ringtone. She held the Bluetooth in her hand but didn't put it back in her ear. "She can't be my crutch all the time," Suzanne softly said. "Anyway I don't want to talk to anyone with the mood I'm in." The phone went silent for a minute or so then, it beeped to let her know there was a message. Suzanne couldn't help feeling guilty for not answering. She knew Colby would be worrying about her. Putting the earpiece back in, she pressed play.

"Hi, sweetie. I know you must be busy, but give me a call when you have a chance to let me know how he is doing and if I can help. I'm ready to come up, if you need me," Colby said. The caring in her voice was unmistakable which made the guilty feeling deepen.

"Guilt, it's what I'm best at isn't it?" Suzanne whispered as she pulled into the parking lot. "I'll call when there is something to say," she told herself more loudly.

Unfortunately when she got into the emergency room, there wasn't much to learn. The necessary tests were being taken to confirm Dr. Johnson's diagnosis and she would have to wait. While she was waiting, she sent Colby a text letting her know that she was okay and would get back to her.

It was almost an hour later when Dr. Johnson came out to see her, along with another doctor. Their faces were grim.

"It's as I feared. His dehydration has made it worse, plus he should have come in before. We have had to put him on a ventilator to help him breathe and the tests confirm that he has substantial fluid around his lungs. It looks like the fluid may be infected. It is serious enough that they are prepping him for surgery now. Dr. Kaczynski will be doing the surgery," Dr. Johnson told her.

"Your father is very sick, Miss Wilson," Dr. Kaczynski said. "Normally I would say that he has good chances, given the fact that he isn't particularly old and has been in good health, but Dr. Johnson tells me he recently lost his wife. Will to live can be critical in these situations. The fact that it got this far isn't a good sign." His voice was as grim as his face. "I'm sorry; I need to go get ready myself." He turned and walked away to leave her with Dr. Johnson.

"Can I see him before he goes into surgery?" Suzanne asked.

"They are already getting him ready to go in," Dr. Johnson replied.

"I know, but you heard him. I just want to remind him that I love him," Suzanne told him. "Just in case."

Dr. Johnson thought and then finally nodded. Putting his arm around her shoulder, he escorted her back to her father. Suzanne felt her heart sink as she looked at him. He had lost weight since the service and his skin color was a sickly grey. He looked terrible, especially with the ventilator tube down his throat.

"You only have a minute," Dr. Johnson told her and then stepped back to wait.

Walking over to him, Suzanne took her father's hand in hers and squeezed. There was no answer. His eyes were closed and the sound of the ventilator covered up most of the wheezing he was making. She leaned in close to his ear.

"Daddy, don't leave me alone. I know eventually that we can get past this. Just don't go. I love you, Daddy," Suzanne said. Finally, the tears started to come. "First David, then Mom, I don't want to lose you too. Be strong and fight, Daddy. You always fought. Please, please do it again." She kissed him softly on the cheek and whispered one last time. "Remember I love you."

When Dr. Johnson pulled her away, Suzanne didn't resist. Her vision blurred from the tears that were rolling down her face. He sat down beside her once she was settled in the waiting room. He too thought about all the loss she had faced in her short life. Beyond that, he couldn't help thinking about how her parents treated her. He put his arm around her again and gave her a little squeeze.

"Is there someone you can call to come sit with you? It's going to be a while," he asked her.

"Yeah," Suzanne said. Giving an inner sigh, she knew that she needed Colby. She wasn't strong enough to do this on her own. "I will call her in a bit. I want to at least stop crying," she said, sounding embarrassed. After a moment, a thought hit her. "Damn, I have to call my grandma. I should have thought of that sooner."

"Don't worry. I'll take care of that. I have her number," Dr. Johnson said with a little smile. "The benefit of being a small town doctor is I know my patients' entire families."

"Thanks," Suzanne said. In truth, the thought of having to tell her grandmother was only part of her concern. She needed Colby, and despite the fact that the relationship was only platonic, Suzanne could just imagine the disapproval her grandmother would show. At the service, most people assumed they were a couple no matter what she said. She felt a little defiant spark flame up.

"I'm tired of playing this game with them. If I was with Colby, I would be lucky. Anyone would be. I'm okay with being a lesbian. I can't help it if they aren't," Suzanne thought to herself.

She leaned against Dr. Johnson and gave him a half hug back. "Thanks for the support tonight. It made things a lot easier," she told him.

"It's the least I can do. I'll make that call but then unfortunately I need to head home. There isn't any more that I can do," he told her. Suzanne nodded her understanding. He had a family of his own that he had left to help her dad.

After he left, Suzanne worked at getting her emotions back under control. Finally, she got out her phone and called Colby. When she answered, Suzanne felt a little bit of strength come just from hearing her voice.

"Hi, sweetie," Colby said. "What's going on?"

"He has pneumonia which is bad enough, but he has fluid in his chest and they have to operate to deal with it," Suzanne answered. Her voice was steadier now than it had been a short time ago. "The surgeon seemed worried. He said it sometimes comes down to how much someone wants to live."

By now, Colby knew Suzanne better than anyone. Even though she sounded okay, Colby knew how scared she was underneath that front. More than that, she knew that guilt might be eating away at her. Colby sighed very quietly. Feeling like things were her fault was still Suzanne's default state. "I'm coming up. I'll be there as quick as I can," she said.

"You don't have to, Colby," Suzanne weakly protested. Even she knew it wasn't convincing.

"Suzanne, please shut up," Colby said. It was so full of affection that it erased any bite to it. "I have everything I might need ready to go. I already called Jim to let him know what was happening. He knows that we might not be in tomorrow. He sends his best wishes and that he is keeping a good thought in mind for you. I'm coming, okay?"

"Okay," Suzanne said as she gave in to Colby. "I'll see you in a little while."

"Bye sweetie," Colby said as she ended the call.

It didn't seem like it was too long before Colby got there. Suzanne was in a daze, completely lost in her thoughts. She hadn't noticed the time passing. Still when she looked at the clock, Suzanne knew that Colby must have exceeded the speed limit and by quite a bit. The hug that Colby gave her felt very good. Neither one of them felt much like talking. They just sat in the waiting room, Colby's arm around Suzanne's shoulder with Suzanne's head resting against it.

Not very much time passed before, Suzanne heard the door to the waiting room open. Thinking it would be her grandmother, she took in a deep breath to brace herself. When she turned around, however, she saw it was the surgeon, with a nurse trailing behind him. Their faces were grim. Her breath caught in her throat.

"I'm sorry, Miss Wilson. We did everything we could. His heart stopped beating during the surgery and we tried repeatedly to revive him. We weren't able to get it going again," he told her. He was well practiced at delivering speeches like this. His voice was regretful but firm. "Sometimes medicine isn't enough."

Suzanne knew what he was saying. It was the same thing as before the surgery. Her father needed to want to live. She started to cry again. As much as it was the loss of her father, she also felt that it was just one last rejection. She wasn't worth living for to him.

The two bystanders watched as Colby pulled her into an embrace. If not for the circumstances, it would have looked comical; the tall sobbing woman held tenderly by a woman a foot shorter. Yet they both only felt relieved that Suzanne had someone with her who cared.

The doctor withdrew to finish the paperwork for Suzanne's father. The nurse stood there a few moments longer. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked. "Anything you need?"

Looking over at her with a sad smile, Colby shook her head. "Not just now, but thank you."

They stayed like that for a while. At last, Suzanne let go and collapsed into one of the chairs. Colby held one of Suzanne's hands in both of hers. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I really am."

"He just gave up, Colby. He didn't care enough about me to live. He didn't even care enough to call me for help when he got sick. He would rather die," Suzanne said, the bitterness that she felt came boiling out.

Looking at the woman that she loved, Colby couldn't help herself. "Fuck him, then. Suzanne, if he was that small minded and bigoted, fuck him. You are a wonderful daughter. Any parent would be proud to have you as a daughter. I'm sorry, sweetie, I know he just died but the only person I am going to feel bad about is you, for all the crap he put you through. This isn't your fault. It is his. He had the chance to let you back into his life, and he didn't take it.

"Suzanne, none of this is your fault, not David, not your mom, not your father, not being a lesbian and most certainly not how they treated you. Don't take this on too. This was him," Colby said as she lifted Suzanne's hand up and gave it a soft kiss. "I won't let you blame yourself for yet another thing." The conviction in her voice was clear; and this time it got through to Suzanne.

"You know what I wish?" she asked Colby.

"What, sweetie?"

"That when he gets judged, Jesus only has one thing to say. "It was about love. How did you forget that?" Suzanne said. The tears didn't stop. The things he had done and how he treated her did not change the fact that she loved him. It was hard to believe that he was gone. For most of her life, pleasing him was the most important thing. That changed recently but she still felt adrift as if the compass of her life was gone. For some reason, she thought of her therapist. "She'd tell me that I should rely on myself to be that, wouldn't she." She sighed. It was hard. It was much clearer to see what someone else wanted you to be than figuring out what you want. "I need to try though," Suzanne told herself.

Colby remained silent. Even agreeing with Suzanne seemed hazardous. The emotional turmoil she felt was unpredictable. Instead, Colby just held Suzanne's hand and leaned against her. That would tell Suzanne everything she needed to know.

The rest of the night was a blur. Dealing with the medical red tape ... telling her grandmother ... Suzanne never remembered much of it. "Just get through it," she kept thinking. When at last everything was done that could be done, she went home. Not wanting to have to deal with leaving a car behind, Suzanne refused to let Colby drive her home. Instead, Colby followed her back to her apartment. Putting her arm through Suzanne's, Colby led her upstairs and then put her to bed.

After giving Suzanne a light kiss on the cheek, Colby started to get up when she felt Suzanne grab her arm. "Don't leave," she said. Her voice sounded very much like the little girl Colby imagined she must have been.

"I was planning on spending the night, sweetie. Don't want you waking up all by yourself," Colby said. She kept hidden her worst fears deep in her mind. Colby did not plan to leave Suzanne alone until those fears went away again.

"I mean, don't leave me alone in here," Suzanne said in that same voice. "Will you hold me while I sleep?"

Breathing suddenly became hard for Colby. All the time she spent with Suzanne, they never slept in the same bed. Even when she slept over, she would sleep in the guest bedroom. It was a line they didn't cross. With complete certainty, Colby suddenly knew that if she pushed even slightly, Suzanne would willingly give in and make love. The idea tempted her, but Colby knew it wasn't right. "If this happens," she thought before correcting herself. "When this happens, I want it to be right. I want her to be ready so it can last."

"Okay, sweetie. Just let me go change and I'll be right back," Colby said aloud. She spent so much time there that she kept a t-shirt and pajama bottoms in the other bedroom, as well as some toiletries and a few other things like panties. For a second, Suzanne's grip tightened as if she didn't want to let go. Then with a sigh, she let go. Colby hurried out and was back in a few minutes.

Slipping in bed with Suzanne for the first time, the nearness was almost overwhelming for Colby. Her scent seemed to be everywhere and the warmth from Suzanne's body radiated. Moving closer, Colby spooned against Suzanne. Her arm went around Suzanne's waist and rested on Suzanne's belly. It didn't stay there long. Grabbing it, Suzanne pulled it up between her small breasts and held it tightly against her. It pulled Colby in closer. Her face was next to Suzanne's neck.

"Thank you for being here, Colby," Suzanne said. And then as if forced from her, she added, "I need you." Colby took it the way she intended it. Suzanne tried not to rely on other people. Even when she did, like the last few months, she found it hard to admit. It was an opening; Colby just wasn't sure how wide.

"I know you do. I'm glad I'm here," Colby said quietly. The desire to lean her head forward another inch was strong. She almost gave in and kissed the back of Suzanne's neck, but she didn't. Instead, she gave Suzanne a squeeze and tried to get some sleep. With her arms around Suzanne, she expected it to be difficult. It wasn't. Part of it was being tired, but the other half was that it was much more reassuring than troubling to sleep like that. She was where she belonged.

The service for Suzanne's father was not very different from the one for her mother. The exception was that Suzanne made the pastor swear to God that he would avoid any repeat of the attempt to shame her. Even still, it was a nerve-wracking experience for Suzanne. This time at least, she had more than just Colby with her for support. Seeing the double blow of losing both of her parents in such a short time, Jim and many others from her work were there. Jim and some of them would have come anyway, but the story of how Suzanne was treated got around. They were going to make sure that nothing like that happened, even if they needed to disrupt the service.

Fortunately, nothing like that happened. Almost all of the locals came up and expressed their regrets to Suzanne, some warmly embracing her. Even the ones who did not were polite and simply left. Gayle was there again of course, but no opportunities presented themselves for another private talk. She joined the line of people waiting to express her condolences and then just gave Suzanne a hug. For the most part, Suzanne only went through the motions, trying to keep her emotions in check. She didn't always succeed, but she did better than with her mother's service.

Unlike with her mom's death, Suzanne also did not take a lot of time off. When she did, it was mostly to deal with details. Before the service, there were lots of those. After it, there were even more dealing with the estate. From practical matters like paying bills and the mortgage to dealing with her father's will, Suzanne missed more work than she liked. The time to the company's acquisition was fast approaching and there was a lot she needed to do.

Colby found herself increasingly frustrated. The closeness they reached that night after coming back from the hospital receded some. She spent more nights at Suzanne's apartment, but almost every time she slept in the guest room. Only when Suzanne woke with a bad dream did Colby come to her room and crawl in with her. She kept waiting for a sign that Suzanne was ready to take it the next step, but it didn't come.