Coming to Grips Ch. 04

Knowing her cheeks were beet red, Suzanne shook her head. "No, and it's never changed. I blame the years in church," she said. She tried to say it as a joke, but it actually sounded as bitter as it really was.

"Me too," Chloe said, imbuing the words with a shared understanding of something neither one of them wanted to confront head on. Instead, she brought the conversation back to Colby. "You still haven't told me about her. What is she like as your friend?" She put the slightest emphasis on the word friend.

For a moment, Suzanne didn't say anything, held back by her lifetime habit of being secretive. Suddenly it hit her and she looked at Chloe. "I don't know why this is hard. The first person I ever opened up to is asking me about the one person in my life who means as much to me as Chloe did," Suzanne told herself. She took a breath.

"She's a wonderful friend. She supports me and makes sure that I take care of myself. We took a trip together for work and I ended up coming out to her," Suzanne said. Looking Chloe in the eyes, she went on. "I told her about us, about what I did. How I hurt you." Her voice almost faded away as she said the final bit.

"And she understood, didn't she? The impossible choice you had to make," Chloe told Suzanne. She could see the tears starting to well up in her eyes. "She told you to forgive yourself?"

"Yes," Suzanne whispered.

"You haven't though. If I can be here, forgiving you, then you can forgive yourself," Chloe gently told her. "Please, Suzanne, forgive yourself."

"I don't know if I can, Chloe. It's become part of who I am," Suzanne said as the tears began to roll down her cheek.

"So was heroin for me," Chloe said. "I had a choice. I could change and have a chance with Gabriela, or I could lose her. Losing her was the easy choice. All I needed to do was nothing. I couldn't take that choice. I love her and she is worth everything I went through to be worthy of her." She paused for a second. "Are you willing to do nothing and lose Colby?" Chloe said.

The pain in Suzanne's heart exploded. She always avoided thinking about Colby leaving. Deep down she knew that was inevitable if she didn't open up. "God, no," she thought. Without Colby's warmth and caring, she did not know how she would survive.

Suzanne felt the teardrops falling onto her lap from where they collected along her jaw. She wiped at them and then grabbed a tissue. Sitting there and holding it in her hand, she looked over at Chloe. "No, I'm not, but what if I can't change?" she said.

"I was in rehab twice before and I was using within weeks both times. Even though I thought I would probably fail, I tried again. Suzanne, Gabriela was worth it. Isn't Colby worth it too?" Chloe asked.

"She deserves someone better than me, someone who isn't broken," Suzanne weakly protested.

With her deep blue eyes burning, Chloe nodded. "So did Gabriela, but she wanted me." She squeezed Suzanne's hand. "Tell me that Colby doesn't love you and want you."

Suzanne wanted to deny it, the way she always refused consciously to acknowledge Colby's feelings. In front of Chloe however, it was impossible to lie; and Suzanne knew it would be a lie. "She does love me," she thought.

"You're right. I can't tell you that," Suzanne admitted.

"Suzanne, if what I've gone through has taught me anything, it is that we don't get to decide if we are worthy of love. Gabriela thought I was, even when I hated myself. And it was her love that guided me to a place where I felt so too," Chloe said. "I wouldn't have believed it four years ago, but I am clean and happy. "

"Accept the gift, Suzanne," Chloe choked out as her own feelings welled up and she felt herself start to cry too.

"I'll try, Chloe. I really will," Suzanne told her.

"It starts with forgiving yourself. It happened, Suzanne. Whether it was right or wrong, it doesn't matter now. Forgive yourself and move on." Chloe's eyes burned with determination again. "You've punished yourself enough."

"Okay. I'll try to do that too," Suzanne said, trying to smile again. After a moment, she put her arms around Chloe and gave her a long hug.

It felt so different from high school. There was practically nothing about Chloe that felt the same. Her body was harder and less rounded; even her cheek felt more angular pressed against her own. Yet there was something about the way she smelled that brought back memories of being together. The love that she could never completely let go of rekindled, but in a different way. Chloe was her first love. That made what they had unique and Chloe would always have a place in her heart, but she didn't own Suzanne's heart any more.

"Colby does," Suzanne told herself.

As the hug finally ended, Suzanne could tell that Chloe had similar thoughts. They smiled at each other, both thinking of someone else.

Chloe moved away just slightly and looked at Suzanne. She took a deep breath. "Suzanne, I would like a couple of things from you. First, I would like to ask your forgiveness too."

"What do you need me to forgive?" Suzanne asked, obviously confused. "I hurt you."

"Not for that. I should have come to see you before this. For a long time, I held on to my hurt. I felt justified in being glad you were punishing yourself. It helped me to justify what I was doing to myself. If I was in pain, you should be too. Even after I went through rehab and I stopped feeling that way, I couldn't face you. I have lots of excuses why, but I really just tried not to think about you," Chloe said. "I knew it was wrong, but I guess I still held on to a little of my anger. When Mom told me about your parents passing away and seeing you, I knew I needed to see you. I just wish I had done it sooner. I'm sorry for not forgiving you before this. Maybe it would have changed things for you." Suzanne didn't know what to say.

Chloe got a little smile on her face. "I've had practice. It's part of the program to let people know you're sorry for the hurts you've caused. This is the point where you say, I forgive you, if you do."

"Of course, I do. Chloe, you came when you were ready to tell me. I understand," Suzanne said as she hugged Chloe once again.

Once again, they looked into each other's faces. "There was a time when there was nothing more I loved to do than kiss those lips," Suzanne thought. Now, while a little of the old affection was still there, they weren't the lips she longed to kiss. She couldn't wait until Colby came over. Even with Colby's college friend there, Suzanne planned to find out finally what kissing her was like.

"Well, I should go. Mom is expecting me for dinner and it's going to be cutting it close if I don't get on the road," Chloe said as she stood up. Suzanne got up and walked her to the door.

"You know, I didn't say it but I am really glad you have Gabriela. I would like to meet her and tell her how special I think she must be," Suzanne said.

"Oh, that reminds me that I almost forgot the other thing," Chloe said. She started to smile shyly. "We're getting married. Now that it's legal in California, we are going to do it. It will be next spring. We hope that you and Colby will come down for it. I would really like you both to be there," she said.

Suzanne threw her arms around Chloe and gave her a big hug. "You almost left without telling me that?" she admonished Chloe. "That's wonderful. Congratulations! Of course, we'll come down," she said.

"Great! I'm glad I finally came to see you, Suzanne. Just remember what I said. You do deserve happiness," Chloe told her before giving Suzanne a final hug.

As she shut the door, Suzanne smiled again as she thought about Chloe getting married. "She really has found some peace and happiness," she thought. "And it's funny how quickly I am using 'we' when I think of Colby and me." She smiled. "I've got to let Colby know that we're a we now."

A little of her self-doubt flared up. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe after all this, it isn't what she wants," she thought. She felt Tuptim's body thread itself around her legs. Bending over, she picked her up. Once Chloe and Suzanne got too active, she left to find a better place to sleep. Now she was back, purring heavily as Suzanne held her against her chest.

"What do you think, Babycat?" Suzanne asked the happy cat.

"Mew," Tuptim replied as she lifted her head to rub it against Suzanne's jaw.

"I hope you're right," Suzanne said as she walked into her bedroom. It wouldn't be too long before Colby was there with her friend. It was just enough time for Suzanne to get ready in a way that would make an impression.

As Colby and her friend Jillian came up the elevator, she gave Jillian one last warning look. As one of her best friends through college, Jillian insisted that Colby bring her up to date on her personal life. Once Colby finished filling her in, she also made it clear that she didn't completely approve of Suzanne. It had been going on all day.

"Look, I get it. She is amazing and beautiful, but she is also needy. You support her, but how much support is she giving back. It has to be two way for love to work. What is she giving you, Cole?" Jillian asked while they were having lunch, using her nickname from back in college.

Finding an answer was hard for Colby. Even now, hours after Jillian asked it the first time, Colby lacked a good answer. The best she could do was say, "I'm willing to wait and find out."

Jillian was the bluntest of all of Colby's friends. She never gave a damn about offending someone. There were times when Colby appreciated it. Today wasn't one of them. Despite her job situation putting time parameters out there, they were questions Colby didn't like considering. Even when they were driving to Suzanne's apartment, Jillian did not give up. "All I'm saying is that you give everything to her. And I'm sorry, but she's got issues. You are too wonderful a person to be trapped in a relationship with someone who can't even admit to being in a relationship. Plus you carry around the constant worry of if she is going to kill herself."

Finally, as she pulled into a parking space, Colby turned to Jillian. "Okay, enough. I heard you. I understand your opinion, and you have some points, but enough. We are going upstairs to meet Suzanne. Whether she is having a great day or she is fragile today, you are going to be nice. Keep your opinions to yourself for once, please?" The surprise on Jillian's face was obvious. Colby was rarely this blunt. "I know you are saying this because you care about me, but right now show that in a different way. Be nice to my friend. Her family disowned her. Her mother died and then her father died. Yes, I haven't thought too much about myself, but who would when a friend is dealing with all that?"

"Okay," Jillian said. "I know I can be a bitch, but I've learned to tone it down some. I'll be nice to her." She paused for one second. "But I'm not done with you. I'm a bitch but you're too nice. The topic is just postponed."

Now as the elevator stopped, Colby just hoped that Jillian could hold her feelings back. Most of the time, Suzanne was doing so much better. Maybe if she could see Suzanne on a good day, Jillian would understand.

Without thinking, Colby got out her key and let herself into the apartment. It was habit now. Neither one of them bothered to knock before coming into each other's apartments. She missed the roll of Jillian's eyes.

"Suzanne?" Colby called out. "We're here."

"I'll be out in a sec," Suzanne yelled from the bedroom.

At the sound of Colby's voice, Tuptim came bounding out of the bedroom and jumped up on the edge of the couch. Her indifference to Colby was long gone. Tuptim loved her almost as much as Suzanne. Laughing, Colby scratched her on the head. "Yes I missed you too," she told the cat.

Hearing Suzanne coming out, Colby turned to introduce Jillian, but was stunned as she looked at Suzanne. To her, Suzanne always looked good, but even Colby had to admit that since her father's passing, Suzanne wasn't at her best. She just threw on whatever was handy. Usually she wore loose pants or jeans with a tunic top or occasionally a blouse.

Tonight was different. Suzanne looked fabulous. She had a black cardigan on over a low cut white lacy top. Suzanne's bust wasn't big like Colby's but that top gave the impression of much more than there was. The gentle curve of the tops of her breasts showed, as did the cleavage between them. Her long legs were in tight leggings that were mostly grey with irregular short ivory lines breaking it up. A wide belt that tied around her waist with the ends dangling accentuated her long slender body. Even though she was already tall, she wore two-inch heels that made her legs look even better than normal.

Suzanne had a little smile on her face as she saw the effect that she had on Colby. A part of her kicked herself for not trying to please Colby more before this. Another part, awakened by Chloe, told herself to focus on the future and let the past go. She twirled around which gave Colby an appreciation for what the heels did for Suzanne's ass.

"You like?" Suzanne said in a nervous voice.

The change in Suzanne stunned Colby as much as the new clothes, rendering her speechless for a few moments. Finally, she managed a few words. "You look amazing, Suzanne." The smile that put on Suzanne's face was just as striking as how she looked.

Moving over to Jillian, Suzanne put out her hand. "Hi, I'm Suzanne. It's nice to meet you."

Shaking Suzanne's hand, Jillian mumbled her own introduction. Suzanne bore no resemblance to the woman Colby described. Jillian expected a somewhat mousy and mopey woman. Although straight, Jillian could clearly see why Colby fell for Suzanne.

"I'm sorry, Jillian. I don't want to be a bad host, but could I borrow Colby for a few minutes?" Suzanne asked.

"Umm, sure. No problem," Jillian answered. What else was she going to say?

"Thanks. There's a bottle of wine open if you want a glass. Make yourself comfortable if you want something else," Suzanne said as she took Colby's hand and led her into the bedroom and then shut the door.

"Hi," she said to Colby.

"Hi," Colby said back, still confused as to what was up.

"I'm sorry that I've been like this. You are so wonderful. I'm so lucky, and I haven't shown you how lucky I feel," Suzanne said. Her voice was warm and full of life in a way that Colby could scarcely remember hearing before.

"It's okay. You've been through a lot," Colby started to say.

"Shut up! I'm not done talking. It isn't okay," Suzanne cut her off. When she spoke again, her voice still had the warmth and vibrancy, but her nervousness came through as well. "It isn't okay when you love someone but you won't let yourself show it." She reached out and took Colby's hands. "And I do love you, Colby. I wish I told you before now," she added.

Colby's heart felt like it was going to burst. It was so overwhelming that she didn't see when Suzanne leaned down to kiss her. She just suddenly felt Suzanne's lips pressing against hers and Suzanne's hand sliding behind her head. Her mouth automatically opened with an audible sigh. She felt Suzanne's tongue very tentatively enter her mouth. Recovering, Colby greeted it with her own. Their tongues began a slow dance as Colby slipped her arms around Suzanne's neck. She just gave herself into the kiss. She had waited for this moment for so long.

When it finally ended, Colby looked up at Suzanne with shining eyes. "I love you too, Suzanne Wilson," she said as she broke into a huge smile. She hugged Suzanne tight against her body.

Stroking Colby's cheek, Suzanne shook her head in wonder. "I don't know why you do. And I don't mean because I'm not worthy," she quickly added as Colby started to protest. "I'm going to try really hard to not feel that way anymore. What I mean is that I'm such a mess. A sane person would run away."

"I guess I'm just not sane when it comes to you, sweetie," Colby said, still with a smile that practically stretched from ear to ear. She hugged Suzanne again. "What happened? Why now?" It was such a radical switch for Suzanne.

Suzanne tried to ignore the sudden feeling of nervousness in the pit of her stomach. Talking about her first love's visit was harder than she expected. Looking at Colby, she forced herself to start talking.

"Chloe was here today," Suzanne said. The look on Colby's face was only one of surprise. There was no trace of jealousy. It eased her nervousness.

"Wow, that must have stunned you, sweetie. How did it go?" Colby said. Moments later the surprised look became a little smile. "Actually, given that you are in my arms, it must have gone well."

Colby's smile banished all remaining nervousness. "I don't know why I was nervous about telling her," Suzanne thought to herself. She hugged Colby tightly again and then continued.

"I'll tell you more later but basically she came to forgive me for what happened in high school," Suzanne said. "And ..." she trailed off. It was still hard for her to say some things aloud. She swallowed. "And she said that I needed to forgive myself too, and stop punishing myself for what happened," she said in a shaky voice. It got even quieter as she continued. "I need to stop hurting myself." Her deep brown eyes looked into Colby's.

"Good advice," Colby said. Her own eyes started to fill with tears. "Can you take it?" she asked.

"Yes, I think so. I want to," Suzanne replied. "I don't want to just do it for you. That's part of it. I want to be worthy of your love, Colby. It's not enough though. I want to feel like I'm worth it, just for myself. So I am going to work hard at letting the ghosts go, not just Chloe but my parents too."

Suzanne wiped the tears from Colby's face. "You know what else she told me?" Her eyes mirrored the smile that came back to her face.

"What?" Colby said as she struggled to stop the tears. It was hard after holding back her emotions for so long.

"She told me she heard about an incredible woman who loved me; and that I should stop pushing her away and let her love me. She told me I was worthy of you," Suzanne told Colby.

"You are," Colby said as she kissed Suzanne again. This time is was longer. Suzanne clung to her as their tongues danced again. More than the first time, Suzanne was aware of the feeling of Colby pressing against her. The first prickling of arousal ran through her body. She could tell that Colby felt the same way. Her hardening nipples pressed against Suzanne.

When the kiss ended, both of them were short of breath. Suzanne could see the fire of desire in Colby's eyes. It was new and stoked her own excitement. She wanted to throw Colby onto the bed and pull off her clothes.

Wanting the exact same thing, Colby forced herself to think clearly. "Sweetie, we've waited this long, so we can wait a little longer. We need to take Jillian to dinner. In fact, I'm starved too. We walked a lot today and only had a little bite to eat."

Suzanne made a little growl of desire. Colby smiled. "I like that sound. I hope I inspire it a lot," she teased. Suzanne blushed and made a visible effort to calm down.

"You will. I expect that now that it's out there, you will find me easy to turn on," Suzanne said. That triggered a thought. She felt nervousness return. "We need to talk about work."

"Yes, but not tonight. It will be okay, Suzanne. I promise," Colby told her.

"Okay. I'm going to believe you," Suzanne said as she reluctantly ended their hug. She looked at the door. "I want to be open with your friend. Is that okay?" she asked.

Colby smiled. "Of course. In fact, I am glad she is the first one to see us. She keeps telling me to be happy." She looked at Suzanne and the love was evident in her eyes. "And I am so very happy, Suzanne." Her smile grew a little impish. "Plus I'll make her eat her words," she thought to herself. She held out her hand. When Suzanne took it, Colby opened the bedroom door and went out to face Jillian.