Dani

"No. No, I don't," he said quietly.

"Well, we'll be leaving then. I'm sorry for your loss."

Avery watched the EMTs wheel out the gurney with a black bag on top, and just like that, the life he'd spent over 20 years building was over. His mind was filled with so many conflicting emotions from grief to guilt, he found himself once again unable to think or even move. He sat down on the floor where he stood then hung his head between his legs, and when he heard the last vehicle drive off, he started to cry. He still hadn't cried even once since losing his son, and now he couldn't stop.

It seemed like hours, but it had only been about ten minutes when the doorbell rang. Avery didn't hear it and he wouldn't have gotten up even if he had. It was his next-door neighbor, Ethan Carpenter.

"Alan? May I come in?" Ethan called. He walked in anyway and made his way around the house until he found him.

"Alan," he said when he saw him on the floor. He sat next to him and said, "Jesus. What in God's name is going on? Did...did Beverly? Is she..."

Avery nodded then just fell apart. Carpenter sat there with him for over an hour before convincing him to get up and sit in a chair. He stayed with for several more hours, his wife having come over around the time Ethan got Avery into the chair.

"Do you want us to stay with you?" they asked.

"No," he said shaking his head. "Thank you, but no."

"Is there anyone we can call? Is there anything we can do? Can I make you something to eat maybe?" she asked.

The Carpenters babysat him the entire weekend leaving only late at night. Ethan called Alan's office and told his supervisor what happened. Within an hour, he was at the house with an State Department chaplain and an offer of support.

The chaplain tried praying with him but Avery wasn't interested. "Okay, then let me suggest grief counseling."

Avery managed a jagged kind of laugh and told him, "Nope. Been there, done that."

He left him his card as well as the number for a group that met each week. A group which had one thing in common. The death of a loved one.

"If you won't go to counseling, please at least consider trying this group, Mr. Avery. Sometimes, just sitting and listening can be very therapeutic."

"Yeah, sure. I'll think about it," he said more as a way to get rid of him than as any kind of promise.

His supervisor told him to take as much time as he needed and that he'd be back twice a day to check on him until he felt comfortable with him not doing so.

"I'm so, so sorry, Alan. Jesus, I can't even imagine so I'm not gonna say something trite like 'it's gonna be just fine' because...well, because it isn't. Look, I don't know shit about this kind of thing, but I do know how to be a friend. I'll take care of all the arrangements. You just focus on taking care of yourself. And, Alan? At least think about going to this group thing, will you?"

Beverly was laid to rest next to her son four days later and Avery forced himself to go back to work two days after that. He knew he was barely functioning and not getting anything done. Worst of all, everyone else was having to pull his weight, but he just couldn't think straight.

No one said a word unless it was a word of encouragement and he knew he'd do the same were their roles reversed. The one thing he did know was he had to do something no matter how little he felt like it.

The next morning he called the same therapist he'd met with the one time and scheduled an appointment thinking he had to do something. She was able to get him in the next day and his boss told him he could take time off anytime, any day for any kind of counseling or whatever else he needed.

He met with her twice a week for the next four months and although it may have just been the passing of time, he finally felt better. Not his old self. Not even good. Just...better.

During their final meeting, the group the chaplain had told him about came up and his therapist said she thought that was an excellent idea. "They're meeting tomorrow night at the Community Baptist Church. It starts at 8pm and lasts for about an hour."

"Do I have to say anything?" was his only question.

"You might want to at least consider introducing yourself, but no, you do not have to speak." With that she wished him well and reminded him she was still available should he feel the need to have further sessions.

Avery hated being alone in their...in his...big, empty house. Even when he and Beverly weren't speaking, it was oddly comforting having her there. Just knowing another person was in the house was preferable to being so completely alone. Then again, he realized he'd actually been alone for quite some time.

It was cold and raw and rainy when he pulled into the church's parking lot. He'd been raised a Presbyterian, but hadn't been to church since he was maybe 14. He really had no idea what to expect, and he nearly turned around and left as soon as he walked inside. Had it not been for the fact he knew he'd be alone back at the house, he'd have bailed.

He followed a sign and an arrow for a group called 'Assembly of Angels' he saw in the foyer. He went passed the chapel and found the door to a large room with another sign on it and walked in. A younger man of about 30 came over and shook his hand and welcomed him.

"I'm Dennis Priest. I'm not a priest, but I am an assistant pastor here."

The younger man smiled and Avery wondered how many times he'd said that line since going into the ministry. Dennis shook his hand and let him know they had coffee and snacks at the back as well as that they'd be starting in about two minutes.

It was too late for coffee, but he wanted something in his hand so he grabbed a styrofoam cup and filled about half full before finding an empty seat. Avery counted about 35 people in the room and folks kept trickling in for several minutes after the meeting started.

Pastor Priest, as he introduced himself, welcomed everyone and reminded them that while this was a church, the meeting wasn't meant to be religious. "I do offer a non-denominational prayer at the beginning and end, but other than that, there is no attempt to convert anyone."

There was some nervous laughter followed by a short, generic prayer for grace and serenity.

"Okay, let me welcome all of you and especially those who are here for the first time. You don't have to introduce yourself, but I would like to give you the opportunity if you'd care to do so."

A woman about his age sitting in front of him stood up and gave her name then explained how her sister had recently been killed during a home invasion-gone-wrong. Dennis told her how sorry he was then asked if there was anyone else.

"Ah, hell," Avery said to himself before he stood up. He too, gave his name then found himself choked up when he went to say how he'd lost his son. Dennis started to speak when Alan held up his hand. "I also lost my wife, Beverly, not long after. She...she took her own life because well, losing Aaron was too much to bear." With that he sat down feeling like every eye in the room was staring at him and worst of all, pitying him.

For the next hour or so, people shared stories of whom they'd loved and lost, how it happened, or mostly how it made them feel. Avery found himself able to relate to every single person who spoke even though he'd never met any of them. Male or female, black or white, young or old, all of them shared this common bond. This awful, horrible bond of death.

He chose not to say anything further when his turn came around and several people had done the same. When Dennis let them know their time was up, he reminded them again about the coffee and snacks and wished them a 'blessed' week before saying a brief closing prayer of thanks, asking for the Lord's blessings to be upon them.

"Yeah, like that's really gonna help," Avery muttered under his breath. He went to see if there were still any granola bars left as he'd skipped dinner again being unable to eat. His workouts had suffered enormously for the last month but he'd resolved to get back at it soon as this was the first time he'd had the mental energy or interest to even want to try.

He found the snack he'd been wanting and when he turned around, there was a young girl standing in front of him.

"Mr. Avery? I know you don't know me, but I went to high school with Aaron."

She caught him by surprise to the point he found himself unable to speak. She did indeed look to be around his son's age. She was also perhaps the thinnest girl he'd ever seen. She was about 5'9" tall and was rail thin. He wasn't consciously looking, but he couldn't not notice she was equally um...thin...on all sides. She not only seemed to have no boobs, but no butt, either. She also had a bit of a toothy smile, but they were straight and white, so it wasn't obtrusive. He guessed she'd probably worn braces and this was the final result. Her hair was a little below shoulder length, parted down the middle, and very straight. It was desperately in need of some shampoo and a brush. This girl also wore glasses which initially looked much too big for her face, but that was before Avery realized these larger frames were now back in fashion just as they'd been during the '80s.

He didn't recognize her, but for the moment, her soft voice and bright smile were things he found very pleasant and most welcome.

"No, I don't believe we've met. How is it you know me?" he asked.

"I heard about Aaron just a couple of weeks or so ago—I'm really, really sorry, by the way—so when you said your name, I just knew. Oh, and your wife. I...I don't even know what to say, Mr. Avery."

"Would you like to sit down and talk?" he asked earnestly.

"Um, well...sure," she said smiling politely without really looking at him.

She was wearing a white blouse with tiny, black polka dots but everything else was black from her shoes to her pants to her cardigan sweater and even her chipped nail polish.

"Oh, I'm Dani," she said extending her very thin arm and tiny hand.

He shook it and it reminded him of a little child.

"Nice to meet you, Dani. I'm Alan. May I ask your last name? You know, maybe I know your parents or something."

Her smile faded as she said, "It's Racel." She pronounced it 'RAY-sul' with the stress on the first syllable.

"Did I say something wrong?" he asked when she didn't look back up at him.

"No. You didn't say anything wrong. It's just that my parents? They...they died in a fire at our house. It was on graduation night. I never went to any school dance or homecoming or anything, but that time I begged and begged them to let me go to the senior party and my dad—he always really protective of me—-finally gave in and let me go. He...he drank a lot and he smoked and that night he drank like...it was really bad and..." He saw her try to use the sleeve of her sweater to touch her glasses and that's when he realized she had tears in her eyes.

"I hugged my dad and told him how much I loved him before I left. My mom, too." She took her glasses off then wiped tears from both eyes before saying, "That was the last time I ever saw them."

"Dani. I'm so sorry!" he said forgetting about his own grief momentarily for the first time since the police came to his door that fateful night.

"No, it's okay. I don't usually get emotional now. It just kind of grabbed me. In fact, I hardly ever come here to these meetings anymore, either. I'm not sure why I came, but I'm glad I did, you know?" She put her glasses back on, managed a small smile, then said, "I'm fine. Really."

"So how did you know Aaron?" he asked almost unable to wait to hear the details no matter how big or small. Any possible way to feel a connection with his son was something he couldn't pass up.

"Oh, um...well, I had the biggest crush...ever...on Aaron." Her smile was bright and her eyes seemed to somehow twinkle as she recalled this crush of hers. She made eye contact for the briefest of moments before looking away again.

"I never had a chance, of course. But that didn't stop me from dreaming about, you know." She stopped suddenly then turned very red. "No! I...I didn't mean dreaming about...that."

She seemed truly horrified and Avery didn't know whether to laugh or hug her to try and comfort her. He did smile though, before saying, "Something tells me you weren't alone, Dani. Aaron was a very nice-looking boy."

"Oh, my gosh. He was so cute! And he was always really, really nice to me. I think that's why I held onto my crush for so long. I mean, if he'd told me to get lost or been mean, it would have been easy. But he always smiled at me and said hello. He even called me by my name instead of things the other kids called me like 'Beanpole' or...never mind. It doesn't matter. Besides, that was a long time ago, right?"

She smiled as she looked continued looking down before saying, "Anyway, he actually asked me to dance at our graduation party. Me! Dani Racel. It was a slow dance, too. I'll never forget that as long as I live."

"Thank you for saying such nice things about my son, Dani. He really was special."

"I could never say anything that wasn't positive. He was the nicest boy I ever met. And smart, too. And friendly." Dani smiled then said again, "And so handsome." She looked at him then said in the most sincere way, "He looked just like you, Mr. Avery."

Alan chuckled as Aaron did look a lot like Avery had when he was that age. "Well, maybe 20 years ago, Dani, but thank you for saying that. That's the nicest thing I've heard in...well, a really, really long time."

"You're welcome," she said shyly. "It's true, though." She fidgeted around then said, "I should probably get going. My grandma worries about me if I'm late and she doesn't have a phone so..."

"Oh, okay. Do you have ride?" he asked.

"Um, yes. I take the bus. It stops right out front of the church then drops me less than a block from our apartment."

"It's dark and cold out there. Why don't you let me give you a ride?"

"Oh, that's okay. I always ride the bus. It's really safe, you know."

"I'm sure it is, but do you even have a coat?"

"No, I don't need one. I have my sweater so..."

"It's pretty, but it's paper thin, Dani. Come on. I'm driving you. No more arguing!"

Pastor Priest caught them both on the way out and thanked them for coming. "So will we see you again next week?"

Avery looked at Dani who said, "Um, sure. I guess I can come back."

"Okay, looks like I'll be here too, then," Alan said as they shook hands before parting company.

By the time they got in his car, Dani was freezing. "It's even colder than it was when I got here."

"The wind has really picked up," he said. He started the car and turned on the heat then said, "Do you really not have a coat, Dani?"

"No, but I've been putting some money away for one each payday from my job."

"Where do you work?" Avery asked her as he put the car in gear.

"At Banana Republic in the Fair Oaks Mall here in Fairfax."

"Oh, okay. I don't shop much, but I have heard of it."

"I can let you use my store discount if you want to stop by someday," she told him.

Alan was touched, but the thought of shopping at a mall, let alone some trendy store for kids was out of the question. "Thank you, Dani. I just don't think that's quite my style."

"Oh, sorry. I forgot how old you were." Avery couldn't tell, but she turned very red again before saying, "Oh, my goodness. I didn't mean it like that."

Avery laughed again and said, "It's okay, Dani. I am old. Or at least I feel old these days. But you made me laugh tonight and that felt really good."

"It's okay. People laugh at me all the time," she said misunderstanding his words.

"No. Not at you, Dani. I wasn't laughing at you. You just made me feel good, that's all."

"Oh, okay. I'm not very good at talking with people. My grandma tells me I'm too shy and I need to go out with friends...and boys...but I don't really go out much."

"Your grandmother is right, you know. You should have friends your age. And yes, you should be dating boys. You're 20, right? Same as Aaron?"

"Yes, we were the same age. I'm actually two months older. I was born December 18th and he was born October 21st."

Avery managed not to laugh at how her having had a crush on Aaron meant she knew his birthday knowing he would probably hurt her feelings. "So do you ever go out on dates, Dani?"

"Not really," she said. "I mean, I kind of went out on a date once." She looked up and pointed to something. "Oh, turn right up here, please. My apartment is just a couple of blocks after the turn."

He pulled over and put the car in park. "It was very nice meeting you, Dani. I can't tell you how good it was to hear you tell me those things about Aaron. I can't tell you how much I miss him."

"Me, too. I mean, I didn't really even know him that well, but I liked him so much. He really was special. Well, I should get inside, Mr. Avery. Thank you for the ride."

"You're very welcome." She went to open her door when he said, "Why don't you let me pick you up next week? It's not gonna get any warmer until March or April and until you at least get a coat, I'd feel better knowing you're not out in this weather."

"Oh, you don't have to do that, Mr. Avery. I'll be fine."

"It's no trouble, Dani. Besides, it's nice to have someone to talk to. Especially someone who knew Aaron."

"Well, okay. If you really don't mind then..."

"I'll be here at a quarter 'til to give us time to get there by 8 o'clock."

"Okay. That sounds great." She pushed her door open then just before closing it looked back in, smiled, and said, "Thanks again, Mr. Avery. See you in a week."

"Yes, you will, Dani. Take care, okay?"

On the ride home, Avery couldn't believe how just talking to someone who knew and liked his son altered his mood. At the most basic level, he understood it was nothing more than chemistry. Dani's ties to Aaron had released dopamine or some other chemical into his brain, but it still felt good no matter the reason why.

When he got home he thought about her again. No coat at the beginning of what was essentially winter. Technically it was fall, but it got cold in Northern Virginia in October and this poor girl didn't even own a coat. 'Poor' girl was probably true in both the figurative and literal meanings of the word. Momentarily, he thought about giving her one of Beverly's coats before the macabre nature of it hit him. Besides, Bev had been maybe a size 16 the last few years while Dani might be... He didn't know women's sizes that well, but if they went into the negative numbers, that's where she'd be.

That Saturday, he did something he hadn't done in well over a decade. He went to the mall. Even though there were several to choose from, he went to the Fair Oaks Mall. Yes, Dani worked there, but it was only a few miles from his house so it was also practical.

Not being a shopper... No, as a man who hated shopping, he had no intention of actually shopping. He went into the first store he saw that looked like it sold women's clothing and made a beeline for a clerk was now called an 'associate'. He found a young girl about Dani's age and told her what he was looking for.

"Okay. She's got to be a zero," she girl said leading him toward a rack of coats. Avery briefly took offense at what he thought was a snarky comment before realizing 'zero' must be a size.

"These wool toppers are great for cooler weather, and since it's not too cold ye, it would be a very nice choice. They're a refined double-face wool with a notched lapel and a single button front. They're on sale for $179."

"Um...maybe. Do you have anything a little more substantial?"

"Sure! Right this way, please."

She stopped at a rack of longer coats which were more what he had in mind. "These are classic wool coats, fully lined, notched collar, and for someone that small, these princess seams will really look great on her."