Dirty Bitch: A Novel

Already, the city was starting to really fucking bore me, and although by no means did I miss Norwich city, I had a compulsive urge to put some true living into my life and take some hard fuckin' drugs right up my fuckin' nose. I also missed my days of punting for some 60 quid-a-blow hooker, but with Victoria around I definitely couldn't indulge in any of that shit.

I guess I'd spent so many fucking years in a bleak existence, that all I really wanted to do in life was to just rocket-blast my head off on drugs; I just didn't give a fuck about life. What's the fucking point, ay? You just die in the end pissing yourself with a colostomy bag bursting like a fuckin' curry in your shirt. Well fuck that shit.

However, saying all that, I have to admit I was glad that I had a woman as beautiful as Victoria to be with in life and satisfy my sexual needs; she also gave me a sense of something fucking purposeful in life, something to fill that empty hole of loneliness in; and I was beginning to appreciate it now for the first time in my life.

It was our 4th day there in the apartment, and I was sitting on the sofa in the living room, staring at the 200 quid TV that Victoria had made me purchase, staring at the black screen in utter boredom, when quite alarmingly the doorbell rang from the front door opposite.

'Victoria, the fucking door!' I called out, perceiving those irritating, resonating rings. 'Remind me to deactivate that mother fucker,' I thought.

'I'm in the bathroom, you'll have to get it Darren,' said Victoria. Can you believe it, the bitch was in the bloody bathroom, still!

'Oh for fuck sake,' I said, 'what's the point in having a Russian wife if she won't answer the effin door.' I shook my head as I walked over to it, breathing out in exasperation.

I was in for a surprise though, because when I opened the front door, I didn't see some fucking cunt of a postman, nor did I see some prick of a meter reader; instead I saw an old, familiar face from Norwich standing before me. It was none other than Tony fucking Tango, this prick, albeit an entertaining, charismatic one, who used to pedal me weed many, many years ago, a geezer that I went to school with actually, and who I'd regularly go down to this abandoned building with and smash the fucking bejezus out of it. A proper cunt Tony was of the first order, but still someone I was mildly excited to see.

'Well, well, well, if it ain't Tony mother fucking Tango. How the fuck did you find out where I live?' I crossed my arms and pretended to be really fucked off with his presence, like, 'MOTHER FUCKER GET THE FUCK OF MY PORCH BITCH!'

'Haha Darren, good to see you mate. I was thinking you'd say that. Well, you see, I live around this area too, and I saw you and this bird the other day leave this house. And I'm like, "Fuck me is that Darren from school with some Russian bird." And I'm also like, "Don't tell me this cunt lives around here too haha." Tony then proceeded to laugh like a crazy man. 'So, is it true then, you live around here in Lincoln Darren?'

'Yes it's true,' I said, grumpily, 'I got pestered by my Russian bird to get the fuck out of Norwich, and I've ended up here with her. Still, better than the shithole that is Norwich.'

'Haha, the Darren I once knew, the prostitute-loving, anti-girlfriend-having guy I knew at school ends up with a Russian bird. Well done son mate, well done ... Hey, how come I wasn't invited to the wedding?'

You can see what I meant by cunt, can't you.

'Well I was going to invite you but then I thought ... nahh.'

I think this really got to Tony as he instantly shut the fuck up and looked all humiliated like – that proper red in the face look.

'Anyway Darren mate,' said the cunt, rubbing his hands together, his mood going back up to cheery, like one of Willy Wonker's umpaloompas, 'you're gonna let me in for a cup of tea and chat?'

'Um ...' I said, not really wanting to have to let the prick in. 'Oh fuck it, why not, you got any weed on ya? Some tokes ay boy?'

'Not on me I'm afraid mate.'

'Well then, you'll have to get the fuck out then won't cha ya cunt.' I stared menacingly at the bloke for a second, with him seeming thoroughly threatened. Then I smiled and patted him on the shoulder. 'Haha, just kidding, come on in me good ol' pal.'

So there I was sitting on the sofa with Tony next to me, a can of lager each clasped in our hands, chatting away about life, big-bottomed birds, and smashing the fuck out of abandoned buildings. I have to admit, I was quite enjoying talking to the cunt, some proper easy convo where you could say whatever the fuck you liked and not give a single flying fuck.

'Haha Darren mate, remember when that Chinese geezer Jimmy Hung fell through that window at the building, remember that? Remember that do you? Haha.'

'Haha,' I said, slapping my knee with my free hand, 'I do actually yea, he went right through that window didn't he, and he's never seen again haha.'

We both laughed like a couple of bitches in da hood.

'Good times Darren ay, good times.'

'Yea man, good fucking times,' I said, taking a huge swig of my drink and chuckling when I pictured Jimmy Hung falling through that fucking window. HAHAHAHAHA.

Victoria had now finally come out of the bathroom, and as she walked on through into the living room she appeared aloof at the sight of Tony, who, like myself, was moderately intoxicated on lager.

'Victoria, this is a good pal of mine Tony Tango who I knew at school. We go back a long way.'

'Oh, hello,' said Victoria, glancing briefly at Tony. I could tell instantly that she didn't like him. But it made me like Tony a hell of a lot more for it; it made him seem real bad-ass to me, rather than the fuckin' nob ed he actually was.

Tony was swigging, a puffy-cheeked smile on his face, when he noticed Victoria walking through the room, and his eyes suddenly bulged.

'Well hello there girl,' he said, holding his hand up like some dirty old man. 'I'm Tony. Nice to meet you.'

Ignoring him, Victoria walked off into the kitchen. She seemed fucked off that we were drinking; but fuck the bitch, if I wanted a drink or two, I could have one. No bitch will ever curb my drinking habits; I would never allow that shit.

'Fuck me Darren, she's booootiful. Fuck she's hot.'

'Oh yea man, Russian born and bred, sucks my cock every night.'

'Pwoaaar,' said Tony, licking his lips obscenely. 'Does she uh, does she let you do other things to her does she?' Tony raised his left eyebrow up in some sly, devilish look.

'What other things?' I said, a little confused, continuing to swig.

'You know, does she let you ... does she let you smash her backdoors in?'

'Oh right,' I said, smiling, feeling very rude and naughty to be talking about anal sex with a mate. 'Yea, uh, she uh, she likes that very much indeed.'

Tony pulled a look of sheer ecstasy on his face and closed his eyes to make another Pwoaaar sound.

'Oh that cool Darren, that is some mother fuckin' cool shit. Pwoaaar. Hey tell me Darren, tell me, I've really got to ask you this question.' And right then and there Tony adjusted his poise, his body leaning towards me, and looked directly into my eyes with full sincerity. 'What is your view on coming in a girl's arse?'

'What is my view on coming in a girl's arse?' I said, sipping on my lager, feeling a little awkward.

'Yes,' said Tony, genuinely intrigued, his eyes blink-less.

'Well, yea, you know, I think it's ... good Tony, good.'

'You do? Because I've got this girlfriend now, this right fat girlfriend with black hair, Katy's her name, and I've been thinking about doing it with her. You know, exploding in her arsehole.'

'Oh right. BBW lover ay? Yea, they're pretty good I must say.'

'You see, she lets me in there and everything. The girl lets me do whatever the fuck I want really. But you see, I can never actually bring myself to come right inside that big ol' arse of hers. I always pull out, you know, jizz on her back or the sheets.'

'Right,' I said, and I really deeply began thinking about it, thinking about my general opinion on the matter of 'coming in a woman's arse'. 'So it's like you can if you want, come in her arse, but you're just not sure about actually doing it?'

'That's right. You see, I don't know if it's because it's like I'm repulsed or not or what. Or if it's like at that very moment at orgasm, I can foresee having come and like I can foresee myself repulsed and stuff. You understand what I'm saying?'

'Yea, you know, it's understandable. She's like this big fat girl, and you've got a few reservations about actually coming in there.'

'Up her pooshoot,' said Tony.

'Yes, up her pooshoot.'

'Yea, so like, what do you think I should do. Do you think I should actually brace myself and actually just shoot my fuckin' load in there? Or do you think I shouldn't bother?'

'Well Tony, if you want my actual honest opinion.'

'Yes I do. I want your honest opinion.'

'Well, then, I'd say, I think you should fucking come in her arse mate.'

'You do?'

'Yea mate. I mean, sure she's some big fuckin' whale of a girl. But fuck it, you know, you gotta make the most out of that sexual experience, you know something to tell the grandkids. I say, bite the bullet man, shout, "I'm gonna fuckin' come in your arse," and then explode a load of jizz right up there, so far up there that it doesn't seep out onto the sheets after.'

I think my opinion made Tony quite excited, as he began nodding and appearing all zestful.

'Yea, I hear what you saying man. You know what, I think that's decided then. I think I am gonna come in her fuckin' arse.'

'You see man, there's your answer.'

'Fuck yea,' said Tony – now he's really fuckin' excited, he's fuckin' buzzin' – 'I'm gonna come so hard in her arse man.'

We then did a little high-five to celebrate.

'Congratulations,' I said, lifting my can up and giving Tony my own personal approval.

We were both having a little chuckle when Victoria stuck her head through into the room and looked all paranoid.

'You're not talking about me are you?' she said.

'Uh ... what?' I said, averting my eyes from Tony. 'No, of course we're not.'

Without saying anything, Victoria went back into the kitchen, and Tony and I stared at each other.

'Haha, are you talking about me?' laughed Tony, in a pointless attempt at a whisper.

'I know, haha, stupid bitch.'

'Don't anybody talk about doing it up me pooshoot,' laughed Tony, doing this mad little voice.

We both sipped at our cans and continued catching up on old times, the dam good times.

10

'Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck me hard Darren!' screamed Victoria as I pounded her energetically and hard, her legs up over my shoulders and my cock drilling her snatch almost violently. 'Oh yes, yes, yes!'

'That's right baby, who's ya daddy girl?'

'You are Darren, you fucking are!!'

And it was with her moans egging me on that I went harder and harder than I ever realised I could fuck, to such an extent that my dick was getting sore like I had active, blistering herpes or some shit.

'Oh yea bitch, you dirty fucking bitch, I'm gonna fuck you crazy and hard girl. I'm gonna fuck you like rainman on speed that's what I'm gonna do.' Man, I felt like a mother fuckin' hip-hop artist right then and there, saying some vile, obscene shit and flexing my muscles like some broad-shouldered stud on a cycle of trenbolone. 'Oh yea girl,' and I pounded and pounded in spirit fuelled masculinity.

'Want me to turn around?' enquired Victoria.

'That would be nice,' I replied.

Although I was happy and content with the current position, I was obliged to let the missus take hold of the situation, and with her winking kinkily at me she turned around and got on all fours like a dog waiting to get fucked, that lil tush of hers up in the air, swaying side to side as her knees and palms dug into the mattress.

Lecherously, I stared at that tush, sweat dripping from my body, and my hard-as-a-rock cock aimed at it like an explosive nuclear missile. Then I positioned my front correctly against Victoria so that I could penetrate her in the most desired and lascivious style that I wanted to, which was, and which has been for quite some time, the glorious act known as 'face-down-ass-up'. And I was looking forward to it like a piping hot Christmas roast dinner.

'Mmm mmm,' I said, the tip of my cock now touching the palpable walls of the woman's cunt, which I could sense strong, those tight, hairless flaps of flesh warm and quivering. 'Now, put your face down towards the pillow, will you beautiful.'

She did so, and then glanced back at me with the most licentious, lubricous gleam in her eye.

'Face-down-ass-up?'

'Yes, Victoria, my beautiful piece of crème brule,' I said. Then, thinking about that quirky American rap song, I added humorously, 'That's the way I like to fuck.' Haha, some real catchy shit.

Soon I was fucking the woman back and forth, vigorously and hard like before, and she moaned like some murderer's victim.

'Oh yes, yes Darren, harder, HARDERRR!!' she said, her hair swaying side to side as she bounced against me.

'Wayhaay!' I said, and, unable to resist the urge, I spanked her left arse-cheek hard, real hand-print style.

'Oh yes Darren,' said Victoria, going with the fucking motion before glancing back at me rather inquisitively. 'Hey Darren?'

I stared constantly at her arse as I fucked her. 'Yea beautiful?'

'I don't like that mate of yours Darren.'

'What mate of mine?' I said, Victoria bouncing back and forth against my cock like a rockin' chair – BOING BOING BOING BOING.

'That guy who was round here earlier, you know who I'm talking about.' Victoria was panting now, her eyes rolling about in circles, and her sweat touching my body.

'Who, Tony?' I was sweating as well, so much that I had to wipe it off my forehead with my forearm.

'Yea, Tony, I don't like him.'

'Yea, he's a cunt ain't he, an absolute prick.' Cheekily, I spanked Victoria again, and looked at the resulting hand-print – t'was like a child's hand-print of pink paint.

'I really don't like you talking to him, Darren.'

'Neither do I Victoria, he's a cuntface,' I said, not even knowing what I was talking about, my cock so filled up with blood that I thought it was going to explode inside Victoria.

'Good, that's good. I think you should stay away from him. He seems no good.'

'Yes, I agree, a real wrongin of a guy.' Man, I enjoyed fucking Victoria.

Then, almost out of the blue, it hit me and flabbergasted me that we were both talking about Tony, and I momentarily stopped fucking.

'Victoria? Why the fuck are we talking about Tony when we're supposed to be fucking, ay?'

'Yes, let's not talk about him.' Victoria smiled at me, raised her hand up to my face to lovingly stroke my cheek, and then focused back in front.

'Yes, fuck talking about Tony Tango.' Man, I grimaced at the thought of him before going at Victoria again, lighter than before. 'I tell you, thinking about him is the ultimate cure for premature ejaculation, that plus the image of David Cameron's cock inside a pig's head.'

'Shush,' said Victoria, trying to focus, 'stop talking about him.'

'Yes, don't worry, I will. He looks like a bloody gremlin he does.'

'Shush Darren.'

'Yes, I know beautiful, I know. Wow, fuck your heart-shaped tush is mind blowing.'

Now I was really fucking enjoying the fuck session, REALLY FUCKING ENJOYING IT.

'Oh, oh, oh!!! Victoria!!! Oh yesssss!' I moaned, sounding like that dog in that old Churchill advert.

Then suddenly, to my true fucking annoyance, the phone on our bedside table began ringing and ringing and ringing, and in raging anger I extended my arm out, picked it up, and yelled, 'Fuck off!!!' before slamming it back down. 'Mother fucker.'

'Oh yea Darren, fuck me harder!!'

'Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, BANANARAMMAAA!!'

11

What can I fucking say? I got a bit bored and decided that it would be a bit of fun to do something I hadn't done in a while: and that was to fuck a prostitute. Yes, there comes a time in a monogamous man's life when he must break the rules, and I was not hesitant in doing so.

Ok, I admit Victoria had certainly saved me a lot of money in the sex department, but I yearned for something to spice up my life, and going to see an escort like my earlier days is what I had planned: some nice cheap action with some skank of a ho. How fucking exciting.

'I have to go to Specsavers today,' I told Victoria at the kitchen table as I messaged an escort on punterlink.com on my phone to confirm that we were to meet in an hour's time.

'Oh really?' said Victoria, who was sitting opposite me at the table. 'I didn't know you had trouble with your sight.'

'Yea, I was surprised that I got a little bit of blurriness in my vision. I mean, it's not as if I wank too much, with you around, is it. Well, anyway, a trip to Specsavers is needed.'

'Ok, what time is your appointment?'

'In an hour Victoria,' I said, sending a message that said I was glad to meet the escort at her house further away in the city. Brunette and Spanish to the bone, this bird would be well worth the asking price of £70, which is what she requested for a half hour incall, well fucking worth it; her pictures looked fucking lush, and her tits were even better than Victoria's! And that's saying something!

'Well, I better make you some breakfast then,' said Victoria, standing up and after that heading over to the fridge to prepare me a nice hearty breakfast.

'Thank you V,' I said. Fuck, I tried my best not to smirk, but it was hard not to as it was so exhilarating knowing that my wife had no fucking idea what I was doing.

45 minutes later, I shut the front door behind me and, rubbing my hands excitedly together, visualising the Spanish escort with those plump Hispanic lips of hers sucking my cock, began heading off in the direction of the woman's house. It wasn't too hard to find with the help of google streetview, and as soon as I reached the street - a nice discreet one out of view of the main roads called Angel Street – I texted Monique, as the escort referred to herself, to say that I had arrived, and waited rather furtively with my hands in my pockets for a response.

Soon I began to get a lil impatient when, after 5 minutes, I didn't hear anything from her.

'Come on bitch,' I thought angrily, 'hurry up now you trollop.' I even started resorting to racism. 'Fucking Spanish, coming over here, treating us Brits like mugs.' But then to my luck I got a phonecall from the woman, and I took back everything I'd said.

'Hello,' I said, in a rather poofy fashion.

'You arriva at Angel Street, si?' came a lovely little voice.

'Yes, I'm standing here now. I feel like I'm at the right place. Boy do I feel at the right place.'

'Ah, si, I see you from window, come to door 54.'

Looking over at the house I'd been given the number to, I saw the curtains of the upper bedroom window move about a bit, and then, feeling a tad nervous – for I hadn't done this kinda shit in a while – sauntered off over to the house, my stomach mildly adrenalized.

Knock fucking Knock.

The door opened and I was greeted in a rather fucking splendid fashion by a dam sexy woman. She was much better looking than in her photos, looked to have a great pair of knockers beneath her dressing gown, and had a pair of eyes wide and dazzling like a lil nymphet.

'Man I am going to fuck this woman in the arse,' is the first thing that came to my lascivious mind as I stared at her in pure perv fashion.

'Come in senor,' said Monique, smiling all seductively at me, a twinkle of filthiness shining potently and iridescently in her eyes.