Dirty Bitch: A Novel

'Girl, we'll be out of here in no time.'

Taking her arm in mine, we then cruised off down the road together, and I smiled, feeling very fucking content for some reason. I guess I was, somewhere deep and lost inside, optimistic that a permanent change of place would be a good thing. I think that all those years in Norwich had really sucked the life out of my soul, and had painted a pretty shoddy picture of what existence should be.

'I'm so glad we can get out of here. I can't describe how much I loathe this place. It's so depressing,' said Victoria.

'Hey girl, I've been loathing this place since my earliest conscious days; I sympathise with you, I really fuckin' do.'

Victoria seemed to be quite sympathetic with the fact that I came from Norwich.

'Can't believe you've coped this long here,' she said.

'Neither can I, shit happens that you just can't escape. But now that I've got some cash from my good old mother and a good Russian bird, things are looking good.' I laughed cheekily before letting Victoria plant a nice soppy kiss on my cheek.

'It's so great to hear that we can get out of here.'

'WE'LL GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS YEASTY CUNTHOLE IN NO TIME!' I yelled out into the street, my echo reverberating in huge swells under the river's bridge.

'I think all this good news means a celebratory blow-job is in need for you.'

And at that very moment, an instant flash of that sequence in Confessions Of A Window Cleaner popped up in my mind, and I found myself shouting out, 'YABADABADOO!' real fuckin' loud so that people started looking out their windows. YABAFUCKINDOO!!!

5

So, in no time at all, a nice cheap studio flat for just 250 quid a month in a place called Lincoln, with basic furniture included, had been arranged by myself, a rather generous deposit having already been paid, and I and my beautiful Russian missus were heading the fuck out of Norwich city for good and preparing to sit our content backsides down on the earliest 8 o' clock train available.

'Wo Victoria! Out of this place girl, wooo hooo! Lincoln should be good!'

And after all that fucking shite nonsense that preceded it all, we finally got on the train and sat at the front of it with an incredible view outside of an incredibly 'orrible fuckin' place.

'Wayhay,' I said, looking about the carriage, 'not too many people about. Now that's what I call a good mother fuckin' train.'

I was placing my luggage in the top luggage compartment when I noticed an old geezer reading some World War 2 related book further down the carriage.

'Right there mate? Good book you're reading is it?' I said.

There was a delayed response from the old codger until he looked, rather aloofly, back at me.

'Oh shut up will you!' he said, the lines on his forehead forming an arrow that pointed down towards his crinkly nose, and specs of spit emanating from his mouth in old age intolerability.

Taken aback by his rude reply and deeply offended, I retaliated.

'You fucking old cunt,' I said, trying to brush off the humiliation. 'Who do you think you're talking to, ay? Just who do you fink you're effin' talkin' to?'

I was anticipating a response from the old fuck, but I didn't get one; he just turned his face away and focused back on his boring read of a gobshite book.

'Can you believe that prick Victoria,' I said, still standing while my missus settled down in her seat to my right. 'The gob on that arse-bandit.'

'Oh relax Darren, we're getting out of Norwich so we won't have to deal with people like him, will we.'

It was then that I took a fierce, somewhat predatory look at the old geezer, my eyes narrowing in searing spite.

'Yea, and thank fuck for that Victoria. I can't wait to see the back of this fucking ruin of a place. Won't have to take shit from wanky bastard Norfolk inbred cunts no more.' Then I glanced at the few other people on board, all a bunch of carwash Norwich cunts like the old man. 'That goes for all you Norwich dry wankstains. Fuck y'all!' And I finished off my speech with a quick spring of me two fingers, pure Harry Enfield and Chums style.

But then some skinny young mentalist of a chump in army gear near the old geezer thought he'd have a pop at me too, his pink, hyperprolactinemic face scrunching up like a scrotum, and he gave me the evil eye.

'Yea fuck you you cunt! Talk about yourself, why don't cha!' he said.

Man, I certainly wasn't going to let that mentalist get away with saying that to me, oh no, oh no indeed.

'No fuck you mate! I ain't even properly from Norfolk you cocksucking fuckstick! My parents were both born in London. So up yours ya cunt!'

'Yea, whatever, you sound Norfolk as fuck to me mate!' replied the guy.

'How fucking dare you. There is nothing Norfolk about me whatsoever!'

'Yea, except that you probably like to fuck your sister. And brother!'

'You cheeky cunt!'

Victoria, always disliking confrontational situations, placed her arm around my back and tried to calm me in her loving, motherly manner, her hand moving in circles on my back.

'Come Darren, relax, just leave it will you.'

'Yea, well you like to fuck your granddad mate!' I yelled, forcing my fist in my other palm to emphasize the point. Then I glanced at the older geezer. 'In fact, there he is right now. I bet you did him in the arse in the toilets didn't cha ya dirty fucking cunt. You make me sick.'

That certainly shut the cunt up as I didn't here a peep from him after that. He just turned away, a look of gross humiliation dominating his face, and did some strange movements with his shoulders as if to say to himself, 'Just relax mate, untense yourself, think about happy things. Yes, sing the happy song.'

'Fucking cunt,' I said quietly as I slowly sat down, my eyes kept on the back of the guy's head with my face a little florid from the raging anger. 'Can you believe that cunt Victoria, what a fucking cunt.'

'Come on, calm yourself now Darren,' said Victoria, starting to rub at my back and neck with her soft, elegant hands. I liked it a lot. In fact, it started to turn me, in a rather immense way, on.

'Mmm,' I said, catching a waft of her erotically ambrosial scent. 'Speaking of doing it in the arse in the toilets, you fancy a nice quick bit of filthy action in the toilets? Will be our last fuck in Norwich you know.'

'Oh Darren, you horny bastard,' said Victoria, continuing to massage my neck with myself continuing to like it. 'We've got to get our tickets checked first.'

'Oh fuck that shit, the train ain't even started. I'm bored already, and I want to fuck right now and right on this god dam mother fuckin' train.'

I was feeling pissed and agitated with everything, but the feel of Victoria's womanly hands on my neck soon alleviated it and made me feel much much better.

'Don't worry, in a little bit.' And then, leaning forwards towards my ear, my wife began to whisper sultry, kink-ridden words to me. 'And it will be a good fuck as well. Just imagine your cock in my mouth.'

Suddenly, an explosion of rampant lust went off in my mind, and the very thought of my cock in her mouth sent me into a mad frenzy of intolerable, licentious desire, two thick vapours of steam shooting from both my ears in sexual overload.

'Right, that's it Victoria,' I said, 'you've done it. You've fucking done it to me. We're going to fuck right now, right now I tell you girl.'

Victoria didn't even get a second to protest, because in no time at all I was scooping her up in my arms like an Italian lothario – I'm thinking Rudolph Valentino in the height of his career – and carrying her off to the carriage toilets around the side.

'Oh Darren, stop it,' the woman humorously said, playfully rubbing at my face with her fingers.

'No I won't,' I replied, playfully as well.

The geezer in the army gear seemed to object to this (either that or it was just blatant jealousy) and turned his face around towards me.

'You perverts!' he shouted.

But the nob-end didn't get to say anything else because by the time that last syllable was sounded, I and Victoria had fucked off to the toilets with the intention of fucking each other's brains out like rabbits in spring.

'Oh you sexy bitch, dam girl,' I said, locking the door and letting Victoria yank down my fly, her fingers feeling warm and tender against my crotch. 'No, wait, do that thing with your teeth Victoria, I like it when you do that.'

So Victoria did that thing with her teeth, gazing up at me with a cheeky smile, and unzipped my fly with those pearly whites, the train beginning to leave the station. Very soon my left ball had been sucked into her mouth, and I felt that sinister but sexy ache make me close my eyes like a rapper's delight.

'Oh yea girl, suck my balls for a bit,' I said, her tongue swerving about, ball to ball.

Then she sucked my right one and teased me almost sadistically with her throbbing wet tongue; it was like she was suckin' on some easter egg or something, and from the intensity of it all a layer of sweat began to form on my forehead, like I was in a sauna or some shit. 'Fuck me Victoria, you do that good girl!' I said. 'Man that's some erotic shit.'

It was unfortunate though that, just then, while I was receiving some serious ball sucking action, a loud couple of thumps emerged on the door followed by a hoarse, nauseously Norfolk voice.

'Oy!! What's going on in there?! I hear fucking in there, and fucking ain't permitted on this train!'

'Oh for bollock's sake,' I said, more in frustration at Victoria having released my right one from her mouth than the sound of the prick outside.

'Oh no,' whispered Victoria, wiping her mouth with her hand and looking deeply disconcerted, 'what are we gonna do Darren?'

'Darn, fuck, darn, you can't shag anywhere these days, can you? Mother fuckin' train policies.'

'Oy, I'm talking to you buddy. I'm the ticketman, and there shall be no fucking in that toilet, you hear me?! Dick munch.'

'There is no fucking going on in here Mr,' I said. 'I assure you, you have my word.'

'There's two people in there, ain't there?'

'Look, I'm having a quick wank alright. There's no one in here apart from myself and a Paul Raymond magazine.'

'There better not be anyone else in there buddy!'

'There's no one else, just me, and I'm just having a wank, now leave me be and let me finish the business, will ya?'

'Well you better hurry up you hear me. I'm not sure what the policy is on wanking here, but I'm pretty sure it's prohibited. So you finish up quick! And don't make a mess, you here me?!'

'Will do. Will pop one out in no time.'

'And you better have your ticket ready!'

A bout of boredom hit me and Victoria as we waited impatiently for the cuntish ticketman to storm off, and when the arsehole finally did, Victoria and I were left standing there, me scratching the back of my head in awkwardness.

'Hmm, what now?' said Victoria, gazing up at me like a confused child, those puppy-like eyes widening, and those cheeks looking so soft and angelic.

'Right, I think a tit-wank and then we go back to our seats. What do you say?'

'Well how very romantic.'

So I waited for my dearest to get her dainty little cardigan off, and then in no time at all I was sticking my hard joystick in-between those big wobbly breasts of hers and going back and forth in true tit-wank style. The feeling was so intense that a load of frothy white stuff began building up underneath my stretched back foreskin, simultaneously with a heated, passionate lust that made my heart beat profoundly and my skin exude sweat.

'Oh fucking Deidre Barlow FUCKING YES,' I uttered, Victoria pressing her tits closer together as I tossed away, my cock thrusting against them like a voltaic, fully functional pneumatic drill. I could see Victoria staring at my meat, her hand holding those breasts together as she anticipated the abundant spurts of cum that were going to soak them to the mother fuckin' bone. 'Oh fucking love them tities Victoria.' It was like doing it in her arse only without that moist, deep warmth. But this was equally as erotic, like a teenage boy's filthy fantasy: AND I WAS MAKING IT COME FUCKING TRUE FOR MY LONG LOST TEENAGE SELF! BOY WAS I MAKIN' IT COME TRUE!

'It's ... happening Victoria ... it's FUCKING HAPPENING!' I exclaimed as quietly as I could, the cum about to squirt from my cock with one massive fucking build-up.

Then the ejaculation process commenced, and more cum came out of my cock than expected; it went all over them titties like a shaken up lemonade bottle, with Victoria seeming stunned with it as the testosterone-imbibed juice came out, flooding the surface of her skin in miniature puddles.

'Fuck that was intense,' I said, lifting my cock from those milkpumps and watching a line of cum unravel from my foreskin to Victoria's flesh like a piece of string and then bursting like a bubble. After that I tore some tissues from the toilet-roll holder and threw them on Victoria's tits. 'Will soak up like a sponge I reckon.'

After rearranging ourselves, we headed back to our seats and looked forwards to getting the fuck out of Norwich city, I myself for good this time. And at that moment in time, I'd made a conscientious decision of never setting foot back in that shithole, with all contact with my mother and pals to be made solely via call, text, or email. No way was I going back to that massive, rancid colostomy bag.

'Wow Victoria, can't believe we're getting the fuck out of here. Will be a change, won't it,' I said, resting my head back against the seat.

'It definitely will,' said Victoria, gazing at me from hers, 'a positive change.'

We were both sharing a profound, amorous sourire when I heard the ticketman approach me, the pungent, but quite lurid, scent of Lynx Africa wafting up my nostrils, and in a rather uncomfortable manner I turned to look at him and immediately noticed that stupid fucking ticket machine thingimagig attached to his chest.

The arsehole, a fat bastard with a couple of tattoos trailing up his wrist, was gazing down at it, the many creases of his 2 or 3 chins faintly concealed by thick stubble, and he didn't bother to look at me; he just gazed down at his machine, waiting gormlessly for me and Victoria to hand him our tickets.

'Good wank was it?' he suddenly said to me, not looking at me as I handed him my ticket.

Frowning a little in awkwardness, I glanced at him – he was still not looking at me – and started nodding.

'It was ... not bad, not bad at all,' I replied, smiling.

The ticketman didn't bother saying anything else; he just collected the orange tinged objects, stamped them, and after handing them back fucked off to the next passengers with his portly frame.

'Funny chap he was, don't you think Victoria?' I said, glancing at her to my side.

'Haha, yes indeed,' she mumbled sleepily.

'Well that'll be the last Norwich cunt we see ... hopefully.'

6

'Oh fucking cunt,' I said, my fingers trembling as I ripped a diazepam tablet out of its foil. 'My eyeballs are going to explode from this fucking headache.'

'Look, you've taken a tablet, you'll be ok, don't worry,' said Victoria.

She was sitting next to me in the small, shite-excuse-for-a-café that we'd checked into on the way back from Lincoln railway station. And after 5 tablets of good old val that I'd taken just to make the fucking journey more bearable, I felt in a bad fucking way, real fuckin' jittery and nauseous and shit.

'Don't worry? Don't worry? I'm not fucking worrying. I'm in a fucking bad way; but I'm not fucking worrying, you stupid brain-dead bint.'

'Darren, don't say that to me. I was just trying to help.'

I could see those salty tears wanting to release themselves from Victoria's eyes, but I wasn't going to let them.

'Trying to help, what a load of fucking drivel that is. It's all your fault you bloody bimbo, nagging at me all the time. And now I've got a fucking bad head now.'

I leaned back in my chair and washed the diazepam down with a swig of black coffee; I knew I shouldn't have taken another one, but of course I fucking did, just for the sake of it, like I always do.

'Arhhhh, fucking black coffee,' I said, grimacing at that bitter taste of that ghastly shit. 'Stupid fuckin' café don't even serve fuckin' lattes here. Cunts.' I looked over angrily at the waitress, who was serving some lesbian fucking bint of a woman, and clenched my fist; I wanted to hit that bitch violently in the face and then rub the nasty coffee shit into it. 'Oy, waitress!' I yelled, my eyes palpitating from the drugs.

The woman turned to look at me, and I watched her cheeks droop down that sexy lil face of hers.

'Yea, you, why don't you serve lattes here? I demand a mother fuckin' latte, a mother fuckin' latte I tell ya.'

'Um, excuse me?' the woman said, lifting her coffee pot up from the customer's table.

'I said why don't you serve fuckin' lattes here lady??'

The waitress looked flabbergasted with my enquiry, but definitely seemed the type of woman confident in standing her ground with nuisance twatface customers like myself.

'You didn't ask for a latte,' she replied, a tone of mockery in her voice.

'How dare you say that I didn't order a latte!' I said in outrage. 'I always order a latte you hear me?! Always!! That's my mother fuckin' drink girl.'

As I sat there, staring aloofly at the waitress, Victoria began rubbing anxiously at her face and then proceeded to try to calm me down, even placing her hand lovingly in mine.

'Look, you need to calm down Darren, you're acting crazy,' she said, almost like I was a sectioned patient refusing to have his involuntary injection of risperidone jabbed right into his glutes.

'I ain't acting crazy Victoria, you are girl!' I said, yanking my hand away from hers and staring back at the waitress, who just stood there impatiently, wanting me to finish my rant and then to shut the fuck up. 'I want a latte, and I want a latte right mother fuckin' now you hear me,' I said, pointing repetitively at my thigh. I could tell that the woman didn't know what to do, and I imagined rather vividly what was going through her mind: 'Now should I get the cunt a latte, or should I kick the cunt out with my foot right up his arse. Hmm.'

But I'd had enough of the place, and in a paroxysm of rage I heaved myself out of my chair and pointed at the waitress.

'You know what, fuck this place lady,' I said, before grabbing hold of my sportsbag by my foot and then Victoria's arm, pulling her up from her seat. 'Me and my woman are leaving this wanky excuse for a café. Come on, get your sexy lil arse the fuck up Victoria, we're going.'

'Darren, take it easy!'

The waitress was still standing, and in the process of slagging me off with her customer, when I suddenly picked up my cup of coffee and in mega rage threw it forcefully at the opposite wall, just missing the bitch's face, the cup splattering all over the cream coloured wall with a bloody sound effect. Then a swift scream came from the waitress' gobsmacked mouth.

'That's right,' I said, budging Victoria towards the door. 'That's what I think of this place. To hell with it.'

I took one last glance at the waitress, who was beginning to look angry and revengeful, and then I and Victoria descended out into the street, a build-up of froth seeping from the corners of my mouth.

'Mother fuckin' café!' I exclaimed. 'Mother fuckin' no-latte cunts!'

Partially distressed, Victoria placed the palm of her hand on her forehead and shook her head.

'Oh Darren, why did you go and do that?' she said, nearly weeping as we headed off down the street.

'I did it for the sake of lattes Victoria,' I said. 'The sake of mother fuckin' lattes, I tell ya girl.'