Double Blind Date

"Your friend the one who set you up?" she asked.

"Yeah, how about you?"

"Oh some guy I work with," she said. There didn't really seem to be anything else to say. I looked across at her for a moment, felt self-conscious, and then looked away. She seemed a bit embarrassed too. Though, to be honest, the fact that she was in the same predicament made me feel a little better. She was a very attractive girl, so maybe a blind date wasn't just for pathetic, old people.

"Maybe our dates are sitting together at some other table," she said after a long awkward pause. I laughed, a little more forcefully than I intended, trying to sound casual.

"I think you'd have heard by now," I said, "Guys would be...less understanding. I think our boys are late." I explained.

"Yeah, a little uptight," she said and we both uncomfortably nodded together. There was silence for nearly a minute after that. I looked at the pattern on the tablecloth. I heard her hand tapping on the seat next to her.

"Well at least it is a nice night for a date...if they ever show up," I said, looking out the window.

"Yeah..." she said. It was very dark already, but the moon was full, casting a pale blue light on the street outside the restaurant. People shuffled by slowly and each youngish man who walked passed raised the possibility that prince charming was here.

"Well...you look really nice for your date," I said. I didn't really know what else to say and the silence was making me tense. She smiled.

"Thanks...I never know how to dress for dates. I feel like I look, I don't know, trashy," She laughed, "but I guess I am a little trashy. You look pretty too, you're going to wow him." I knew that she was just talking for the sake of noise, like me, but it was nice to get a compliment.

"I felt too business-like," I said.

"Well it suits you," she replied and I didn't know if that was a good thing.

"Well you don't look trashy, you look...at ease. And it suits you," I said returning the compliment. We smiled at one another and then lapsed again into silence, but we felt a little less strange now. At least we weren't complete strangers anymore. But soon, that silence stretched out too. Where was that waitress? Finally, the woman sighed.

"Even the men who aren't in my life yet aren't reliable," she joked and I smiled back in response.

"Well look at it this way," I said, "Everything that could go wrong at this point has. At least we are due for some good luck."

"Ugh," she said, "I had a concert tonight and I cancelled for this date! Things had better go really damn right after this."

"I was supposed to be working," I commiserated. She shook her hair, letting her wild hair wave, and then picked her cell phone off the table.

"The guy who set me up said my date was like...anally retentively prompt. This is pissing me off," and then she lifted up her phone toward her face and started to flip through it. "Maybe I will text him, Eric is a bit absent-minded, he may have given me the wrong place." I felt a sudden stab and looked more closely at the girl. Had she said...Eric? Did she look like the kind of person who would work at...a record label? That couldn't be right. What a weird coincidence. I realized that I was lacking some very important information about this woman.

"What's the name of your date?"

"Oh the hostess just said, I'm looking for some guy named Ash. Like the Evil Dead, I guess. Weird name," she said, flipping through her contacts. I felt the world spin a bit.

"Riley?" I asked and she looked up from her phone. One of her eyebrows was raised.

"Yes?" she asked and that confirmed it. I felt like I couldn't breathe. What the hell was going on here?

"Hi, I am Ash. Short for Ashley, but please call me Ash" I said, extending my hand. I sounded wooden and choked, but I didn't know what else to do. Riley's mouth dropped open; she smiled nervously, and shook her head. We both realized what this meant. Our "boys" weren't late. Both our dates had been on time.

"Uh...No, I...I am looking for a man," she explained. I blushed. I felt so stupid.

"Me too," I said. I really couldn't comprehend what was going on, "but my friend Kim set me up with someone from her husband Eric's office, someone named 'Riley.'" I explained. Riley snorted and shook her head again. I knew the facts of what was happening. It was absolutely obvious that I'd been set up on a date with a woman. But the implications could not sit still in my mind. I felt a jarring buzz in my brain, a total lack of context.

"Eric Carter and Hot Kim?" she asked, shaking me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah Eric and Kim Carter," I said, but her phrasing seemed strange, "Hot Kim?" I asked. Riley's face was extremely red and she was looking down at her phone, avoiding my eyes.

"Oh uh, yeah. There are two guys in department with wives named 'Kim' so we call one 'tall Kim' because she is taller than her husband, Hank, and the other one 'Hot Kim' because she is so...hot and Eric is such a dork. Some of the other guys made it up," she said absentmindedly. Well we were definitely set up together. Eric and Kim had set me up with a woman named Riley from Eric's office. They knew I was a straight woman. They apparently knew Riley was a straight woman. And they did this to us. Why?

"This is so embarrassing, I am so sorry" I mumbled but Riley didn't say anything. I don't know why I apologized; it felt like something to do. Something real to do. For a minute we sat in complete silence, too uncomfortable to speak. What the hell was all this supposed to mean? I tried to focus on one idea, to try to place this situation in frame where it would make sense. All I could tell was that I was absolutely mortified. And I could only come to one conclusion.

"This is not a funny joke, I didn't think Eric was such a dick," Riley said, apparently reaching the same conclusion I had. This was some sort of elaborate practical joke. Maybe Riley had been single for a while too, so they set us up to make us feel...I don't know. Stupid? It didn't make any sense. But none of this made any sense. I wasn't a lesbian. Why would Eric and Kim think this was funny? God, this was just the most humiliating thing ever.

"It isn't like them..." I said finally, but without conviction. What else could this mean? Maybe they had sat us next to the window so they could look in at us and laugh. I looked out the window but didn't see anyone I recognized in the street.

"Well here we fucking are!" Riley snapped. I felt the heat of her anger and quailed. I must've made a face, "Sorry. Not your fault. Just feel really conspicuous. Everyone thinks we are on a date or something. The whole wait staff is probably in on this joke. And honestly I am uncomfortable with you seeing me this...uncomfortable."

"I am in the same boat, you don't need to be embarrassed with me," I said. I was still just trying to get a handle on my ideas. Beyond the same embarrassment I was trying to talk Riley out of, I couldn't begin to register my own emotions.

"Hi, I am Heather, I am going to be your waitress tonight," a voice finally said. Riley and I turned and looked at a cute young girl in a black shirt and tie smiling brightly, "Would you like a bottle of wine or something else to drink to get started." I felt flustered. The last thing that I wanted was to leave.

"No...uh, thank you but no," I said, stumbling out the words. But I suddenly knew what I wanted to do, "We changed our minds. We are going to go." I explained. Riley nodded without looking at the waitress and grabbed her purse, ready to go. She apparently agreed. The joke was over. The waitress put her hands on her hips, tilted her head to the side, and bit her lip.

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that," the waitress said, "What should I tell Kim about the bill?" I felt so strange, hearing her reference Kim.

"Kim? What does it matter to her?" Riley spat.

"There is no bill, we haven't ordered anything, we are just going to go," I said, starting to stand up.

"Oh I know, I mean the agreement," she said.

"What agreement," I asked, stopping. What other joke was there. Some sort of wedding cake or something? 'Look at those two women who can't get men. Might as well just buy them a dozen cats and put them together.' Funny stuff.

"Kim and her husband, they agreed to pay your dinner tonight. Should I let her know that you don't want it? Or what?" The waitress asked. I didn't care if Kim and Eric agreed to pay the mortgage on my condo, I was done.

"I don't care, I just want to go."

"How much did they agree to pay," Riley said, sitting back down in her chair. The waitress shrugged. I was reaching back into the seat to grab my purse. I stopped moving as there was something different now in Riley's voice.

"Oh they didn't say, they just said they'd get the bill. They left their credit card on file," the waitress explained. Riley looked over at me. A broad smile spreading out across her face, making her look devious (and pretty). She leaned forward on the table, placing her elbows on the surface and rubbing her hands together.

"Is that a fact?" she asked. The waitress nodded, looking a bit confused. Riley turned back towards me, "You thinking what I am thinking?" she said, her voice sounding low and malicious. I instantly surmised what she was hinting at. A little bit of revenge. My humiliation in exchange for a very, very expensive meal. For a second I thought about it, but I started to shake my head.

"No, I can't, they..." I started.

"Want us to have a good meal," Riley said, smiling sweetly at the waitress, then she turned towards me, raising bother her eyebrows and speaking slowly, "I am in payroll, trust me Eric can handle it. And they DESERVE to hear about US being happy," she said, each word dripping with meaning. I knew she was right, but I was about to demur again.

I was angry at Eric and Kim, and confused, but I couldn't do that. It was wrong to take someone's money. Especially a friend. Even if that friend was being...weirdly cruel without provocation. But thinking about that strange spite from my friends, and hearing about what I deserved and about being happy, I thought about my conversation with Kim. The one where she'd cried and told me about me about my future and my needs. I thought about the emotional ups and downs of that conversation, the way that Kim seemed to really hurt for me. The fact that I sacrificed what I wanted just to make her happy.

It was all for this...joke or prank. And I got what, a free meal out of it? Hardly even. Each memory, the feelings and guilt she'd stirred in me, heightened the rage. I had never felt so angry in my entire life.

"Actually, I am feeling pretty hungry," I said, sitting back down in the seat. Eric and Kim were going to pay until we were equal and then pay some more. Then I might not ever speak to them again. This was unforgiveable. A joke in bad taste was one thing, but this went beyond it. (I mean not really, I was never going to cut them out. But it felt powerful to pretend I could). The more I thought about it, the less I was able to understand it. My friends were being just hatefully mean to me for no reason. They left their credit card to mitigate the shear meanness of it, but that wasn't really enough. Apparently Riley felt the same way. She picked up her menu.

"Yes, miss. We'd like a bottle of your most expensive red wine...and a bottle of your most expensive white wine. Uh...we'd like one of...let's say each of the appetizers. We'd also like two of your most expensive entrees and...let's say the catch of the day for us to share," she said, pointing to each item on the menu as the waitresses eyes got wider. Riley spoke pointedly, each word spilling out of her mouth like she was spitting out a razor blade. I liked the way she sounded, feeling my righteous indignation mirrored in her voice.

"Actually, we have a really nice white to pair with the fish..." The waitress attempted to say.

"Is it the most expensive white wine?"

"No but..."

"We want the expensive one. Our pallets are crazy sophisticated," she said and, despite my anger, I had to giggle, "Thanks." And then Riley handed the menus back to the waitress. The waitress looked a little bit dazed but nodded and walked away.

"Oh my god, you are so crazy!" I said once the waitress was gone. I was glad that this girl was on my side. I wanted to get even, but I wouldn't have even known where to start.

"I hope you don't mind me ordering for you, we are on a date after all," she said and I actually smiled.

"Not at all, as long as you promise to save room for dessert."

"Desserts," she said and we both laughed a little bit. We sat in silence for a few moments, just trying to come to terms with the new situation. Finally, I had an idea.

"Hey, do you just want to leave? I mean, they are going to charge them for the food anyway, let's just both go home," I suggested.

"Uh...No Ash. I appreciate the offer, but I am staying," she said, "First of all, I am nowhere near done here. Second, like I said, I cleared my schedule. I have nowhere else to be. Do you?"

"Well I could go back to the office I guess, but really no..." I replied, wondering what I could be doing more productive than this.

"Then fuck it," Riley responded, "Let's just take it easy and have the most expensive meal of our lives. You seem like good company, let's get back at them by enjoying our 'date.'" I tilted my head to the side and looked at Riley. What she said made sense. I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said, "You seem like more fun than paperwork"

"A ringing endorsement," she responded and I laughed. At that moment, the sommelier arrived with two bottles of wine. He seemed surprised that he was bringing two bottles for two people. But he popped the corks and we inspected them. He was about to pour the wine into the glasses.

"Woah there," Riley said, grabbing at the red wine bottle, "We can handle that part." She said. The sommelier looked at her like she was crazy.

"They usually do that kind of stuff for you."

"No, I usually do this stuff for me. He is going to fill it like a quarter of the way up so it can pretentiously 'breathe.' I want to get drunk on someone else's dime, I am filling my glass," she said, tilting the wine bottle up, "and yours to the top." And she poured out her wine until it was almost at the rim. The sommelier shook his head and walked away.

"I have work in the morning," I said, placing my hand over my glass. I really did.

"Don't make me drink alone Ash," she said, she started to pour the wine out of the bottle! It splashed against my hand and I quickly drew it back. Soon she was filling my glass just as she had hers. I wanted to be angry, but I just laughed at her boldness. She didn't try to convince me of anything, she just did what she wanted and expected me to get in line. I admired that.

"Well, you drive a hard bargain," I said, "But I guess I am in." Riley lifted her glass, very carefully, for a toast. I did the same.

"To...a dyke date I guess," Riley said and clinked her glass against mine. I laughed.

"To...that," I said. We brought our glasses up and both took deep drinks of the expensive (and tasty) wine. Riley didn't hold back, she downed her glass of wine, gulping it like water, and then set her glass back down.

"Wow, I haven't pounded wine like that since college, and that was cheap stuff," Riley said when she finished, her eyes watering.

"That couldn't have been that long ago," I said, taking another big drink of my own wine. For some reason, I wanted to keep pace with her.

"I graduated...two years ago. But it feels longer," she said. The drink seemed to relax her some and she leaned back in the booth, "How about you?"

"How about me what?" I asked.

"How long ago did you graduate?" she asked, and then she smiled, "I guess that's my not-so-sneaky way of asking how old you are." I laughed.

"Oh wow, I am 34 so I guess I graduated about...11 years ago," I said, had it really been that long?

"Wow!" Riley said, "Wouldn't have guessed that."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, I am not saying you are childish or anything but...you don't look 34. I thought you were like 25 or 26 at the oldest."

"I can tell you are under 30, because no one over 30 ever takes being called 9 years younger than calendar age to be anything but a compliment," I said back. I felt a sort of warm glow that was a mixture of the expensive wine settling in my stomach and feeling flattered by the compliment. Maybe my "date" would give me a little ego boost, despite the obvious handicap.

Riley refilled her glass and then topped mine off with the remains of the bottle. I wondered how much money we'd just drunk in a couple of minutes. But I didn't care. I took another swig of the expensive wine and felt the effects already starting to occur.

"So where'd you go?" I asked.

"I'm right here," Riley said and then giggled a bit. She had really been attacking the wine and it sounded like it went right to her head. I laughed at her joke.

"No college, you said you haven't pounded wine since college, where was college? Party school? Hey no, judgment I went to state" I said. Riley actually laughed a little bit. She reached down her shirt between breasts and grabbed something. She pulled the chain of a necklace up over her hair and handed it across to me.

"Oh it was an absolute trip, but it wasn't a party," she said. I felt my brow furrow and I reached out and took the object that Riley offered. The chain was thin silver band, but the pendant was large. When I looked down I saw that it wasn't a pendant at all, but a ring. A class ring in fact, from Davis Bible College.

"Bible College?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. Riley laughed and nodded, taking the ring back from me.

"Yeah," she laughed, "I figured I stood out as a Davis alum from my modest dress, my humorless demeanor, and chaste behavior." She said and then to accentuate she took a big drink of wine. I laughed at her joke, but really couldn't ever see this punky looking girl at bible school.

"I can honestly say that was the last thing I expected. I would've been less surprised if you went to clown college," I responded. At around this moment, the waitress arrived with the first of our giant load of appetizers. We started eating immediately and the food was worth the price. Or at least the price to Kim and Eric.

"Well," Riley said as she finished off a shrimp, "My parents are both INSANELY conservatively Christian. It was choice between Bible College or no college." She explained.

"Not much of a choice," I said.

"Not for me, I needed out of that house. I didn't want to be married at 18 like half the girls at my church," she explained. I felt a sudden well of admiration for this girl. It must've been difficult to buck her tradition upbringing, even just a little bit, and go to school. That took courage. I looked up at Riley now, taking a sip of my wine, and considered her. She was young and a bit wild, but she was also funny, delightfully impulsive, and brave. Not to mention very pretty. I found that I liked her and wondered if Eric and Kim had not set us up as a joke, but maybe so that we could be friends. Of course, if that was the case, they could have just introduced us. Why all this play acting at romance? I didn't spend much time considering that possibility, the taste of wine on my tongue made me realize something.

"Where were you pounding wine at Bible College?" I suddenly asked. "I would figure it would be wall to wall true believers." Riley laughed and shrugged her shoulders.

"Yeah it pretty much was, except for my junior and senior years. When I was a junior another girl like me showed up as a freshman, Heather. We ditched the religious classes together and actually had fun. It was kind of like a a real college experience after that. And I was old enough to buy alcohol, so it was just a matter of finding a place to get drunk," she explained. I figured that that made some sense.