Double Blind Date

"So I woke up the next morning hung-over with Heather in my bed. But she wasn't just in my bed. When I woke up Heather was already awake. She was lying on my left side on her belly and her left arm was draped across me, she was actually holding my breast. And she was kissing my neck. So I sat up really quickly.

"'What are you doing?' I asked, or something like that. She looked kind of confused.

"'We got back last night and talked about fooling around. You said you wanted to. You brought it up. Then you passed out. I thought we could try it again today.'

"And I was shocked. I mean, I had no recollection of that at all. But I knew she was telling the truth. I knew that I had...feelings for Heather. They were always just below the surface. We were so close." For a moment, Riley stopped talking and just looked down at the sidewalk below her feet. I heard a slight hitch in her voice. But she continued.

"And apparently I'd finally said something to act on it when I was drunk. And Heather hadn't just been into it then. She was still ready the next morning. I mean, it was the answer to my unasked for wish! I couldn't believe how lucky I was. How could Heather feel the same way?

"And she said...And I will never forget what she said, because she said, 'come on sunshine, I won't bite unless you ask.' She kind of laughed but I felt my blood run cold. My mother...She always called me 'sunshine.' It was an ironic nickname she gave me because I was such a blustery kid. And suddenly I wondered what my mother would think if she saw me like this. If I went any further. I could rebel against my parents by going to school or by dressing funny and swearing. Or even drinking. But lesbian sex... sexual purity was like THE primary belief of my parent's church. I had asked Heather to commit an abomination with me. And she would. And, I didn't think I believed in that. But my whole family believed it. And even though I pushed back against everything my parents stood for, my mother was still my model for womanhood. I still wanted...desperately wanted to be a woman like her. I knew that I wasn't, but I couldn't give up on the ideal of being like her. Even then I think I knew I couldn't be the woman my mother is, but I wasn't ready to accept it.

"So I told Heather that it was a joke or something. I said I didn't really want it. I tried to be gentle; I didn't mock her or anything. I just said it was a misunderstanding. She knew it was a lie. And worse, she'd exposed herself freely to me. She had the same upbringing that I did. And she had been willing to love me because I asked her to, and I couldn't follow through. She must've felt so...abandoned. We weren't ever really the same after that. I haven't talked to her since I graduated. I think she dropped out." There were tears rolling down Riley's cheeks as she recalled this memory. I felt for her, though I didn't have any experience to compare. I wanted to show her that I understood, I reached out and took her elbow. I cradled it gently and rubbed her arm with my thumb, trying to show her some affection.

"I must've said something to Eric and so when his wife said something about you...they just decided," Riley said. And the final piece of the puzzle now made sense.

"I am sorry if this hurts, I didn't want you to deal with any of this, I just want to leave, I am so sorry," I said. Riley sighed and shook her head.

"I live with this every day. Part of me always knew who I was. Maybe that was why I reacted so...I don't instantly to this date. Like why I jumped to being angry and defensive so fast. Fighting against who I am, you know?" I thought about Riley's words for a moment. I understood who she was and why she behaved the way she did. It made sense, even if it was terribly sad. But I felt less certain of myself. Where did my hang-up come from?

"I guess it was different for me," I said, "It wasn't just below the surface or anything. It was so deeply buried that I didn't even realize it myself. Kim almost came out and said it and I still didn't realize it. I just...I couldn't realize it." I was trying to explain to myself as much as to Riley

I couldn't claim to have any religious-tinged fear of same-sex attraction that stretched back to childhood. My family was not a church going group. I didn't have an overbearing, conservative mother who sought to keep a tight lid on sexual conformity. My mom was almost a hippie and while we rarely talked about sex, I knew she wouldn't have cared as long as I was happy. My father was not appreciably different. The only explanation I could find was that, from my earliest days, it had always been my outright goal in life to do everything to do everything the "right" way. And doing things the right way meant following the most conventional path to a happy and successful life. People were supposed to work hard in grade school, join clubs and sports, apply to impressive colleges, go to a very impressive university, get an impressive job, and then work like crazy. I did all those things.

And one thing that women were supposed to do was find a man they loved and marry him. And so I never questioned that that was what I was supposed to do. And when it didn't work out, I considered it a failing on my part. I was doing something wrong. It just...it never occurred to me that I had set one goal that was unachievable. I couldn't fall in love with a man and marry him, but because my heart (and my body) didn't want that. I needed something different. I hoped that Riley could understand.

"It was something that just wasn't one of the things that was supposed to be 'Me' so I didn't think about it. Like I actually repressed it. It wasn't just waiting for a chance to get out. It was like it didn't exist. Like I didn't really have sexuality. I didn't even have the first inkling of awareness of it until tonight."

"What made you realized it tonight," Riley asked, her brows furrowed. I looked at her, this woman I had spent the evening with. She was funny, quick, outrageous, and brave (though maybe not as brave as I'd first believed, she was vulnerable too, which was alluring). And I was learning that she was sweet, insightful, and caring. I looked at the gentle curve of her cheek, the brightness of her blue eyes, the long, delicate lashes above them. I saw the thick, full pinkness of her lips (quivering a bit in the cold). I found that my body felt like it was vibrating, my limbs felt weak, and my heart was simultaneously in my throat and at the bottom of my stomach, pounding. I felt an electrical feeling all over, something I'd never felt before. An anticipation for something, anything. My inner thoughts were a half-formed riotous requiem for a barrier that was about to break.

"It..."I started to explain, but found that my words failed me. The final dam had been broken. I had torn away all the defenses of a lifetime and suddenly I didn't have anything to hold me back. 34 years of longing was too much to hold back. And now there was this person in front of me, finally, reminding me of where that desire came from and where it was directed. I closed my eyes, turned my neck slightly to the side, and leaned forward. My body now did the work that my brain could not comprehend, urging my being forward towards oblivion or a new me. And both.

I felt my lips press softly against Riley's. Her lips were slightly cool and were pillowy soft. They were just slightly damp and thick and my two lips bracketed her lower lip carefully in an easy lock. The external sensation of my lips pressed against hers was absolutely lovely. But it was not entirely alien. It was a sweet, almost chaste kiss. But internally, the physical power of the kiss was overwhelming, beyond even the intense emotional effects.

I had heard people talk about the way a kiss, especially a first kiss felt. I had felt "nice" kisses but I always thought that further descriptions were just wishful, romantic nonsense. If anything, I had underestimated the power. Inside my chest, my heart fluttered lightly, course blood quickly through my body. Along my arteries and all my nerves, electrical impulses seemed to shoot. Every spot on my body felt like it was pulsing with raw energy and the overall whole felt like something more. Despite this charge, my body felt loose, relaxed like I'd never felt before. In fact, I felt like my body had melted into Riley's kiss. I lacked any form except for the way my lips conformed to hers.

When her lips responded to my kiss, matching my lock, I felt my knees grow weak and my head grew foggy. The rest of the world sort of faded away. Everything that was not contained within the skirt-shaped light above our heads was an abstraction, an idea. The only thing in the entire world was us, shivering slightly in the cold. Our lips were pressed together and I could smell wine mixed with perfume. My hand still rested gently on Riley's elbow and we leaned towards one another but our bodies didn't touch. It was...perfect and we stayed that way for a long while.

Finally, our kiss broke and I opened my eyes as I pulled away slightly. Riley's eyes were still closed and she looked angelic, innocent. Eventually her large blue eyes fluttered open, but her body stayed relatively limp and relaxed.

"Wow," she said after a long pause. I couldn't read her tone. I didn't know if she was offended or confused or what. More importantly, I didn't know how I felt. The sudden realization of what I had just done crashed down on top of me. I'd kissed a woman. I'd kissed a woman by surprise. I kissed a woman by surprise and I barely knew her. My brain was swamped by the influx of terrifying information.

"I am so sorry," I said, feeling my heart rate pick up. Riley instantly started shaking her head.

"That was amazing," she said, smiling. Then she reached her right hand up and snaked it around the back of my neck. I felt her fingers slide through my hair and her palm felt warm against my skin. Soon the pads of her finger draped across my spine and she pulled me in towards her. The fear I had felt, the almost panic that had gripped me, dissipated even faster than it had arisen. I felt only excitement now. And desire.

As I allowed Riley's hand to pull my head in, I looked at her beautiful face. She closed her eyes and parted her lips slightly. I closed my eyes and did the same. In a moment, our lips were back together again. This time, there was no confusion or surprise. We both knew that we wanted this kiss. That we wanted more than this kiss. In I felt Riley's lips part and her tongue slipped ever so slightly between them. I felt it skitter briefly across my lips. I let my own tongue out of my mouth, chasing and trying to catch hers. She was too quick, but I still allowed my tongue to lick Riley's lower lip. I heard her giggle slightly.

While our lips moved against one another and our tongue tested the tiny remaining gulf between us, our bodies could abide the distance no longer. My left hand rose from my side and found her hip. My arm slithered around her lower back. I could feel her cool skin through her flimsy shirt, the way her muscles and flesh felt against mine. My hand wrapped all the way around her back, grabbing her hip on the far side and sinking slightly into her flesh. This pulled us tight and I felt my hips press against Riley's. Our hips and our legs were pushed together but our backs were arched slightly, a cavity existed between our breasts.

While her right hand was still against my neck, her left hand shook off my grip on her elbow. She slid her arm between my body and my arm, brushing my breast and sending a shiver through my body. She now hooked her arm up through my armpit and sort of grasped my shoulder over the back. Now she pulled me in sharply. I felt our breasts and then stomachs press together. My arm grew tight around Riley's waist while she essentially hugged my around my neck and shoulder, pulling me in tight.

The whole while we were kissing, our tongues flirting with one another's lips. But as our bodies grew tight and tighter together, our inhibitions loosened. I know we both felt the same desire for one another. I could feel her body trembling against mine the way mine trembled against hers, and it wasn't just the cold. I felt the way that my breasts pressed against hers, a strange sexual pressure I'd never experienced before. As a result, our tongues grew bolder.

After a few moments, I felt Riley's mouth open wider. I wanted desperately to feel the inside of her mouth, to know what she tasted like. I opened my mouth at the same time. Apparently, Riley had the same idea, because our tongues poured out of our respective mouths. I felt the wet warmth of her tongue as it pressed against mine. It felt rough, but incredibly soft. She tasted on the surface like wine and tequila (and that wasn't bad honestly), but beneath it was something more, something primal and necessary.

I felt Riley's tongue enter my mouth and felt it slide across my teeth. Her tongue thickly and languidly explored my mouth. I then pushed into her mouth, letting my tongue probe her smooth teeth, warm gums, and generous tongue. Soon our lips hand formed an almost perfect seal, our tongues sharing a single large mouth, moving freely together and against one another.

I don't know how long we kissed that way; our bodies pressed tightly together, our mouths fused as one. It felt like forever and no time at all. It was like we had activated all of my sensory perceptions to a degree never experienced before. My eyes were closed tightly but I felt like I could see Riley's delicate features. I could smell Riley's perfume, but I could smell something deeper burbling up underneath. I tasted her mouth, trying to swallow down her essence so that it would be a part of me. I heard nothing but the gentle slurping sound of our kiss. And I could feel her body, real and beautiful against my own. And some other sense, a sense of my sexuality and desire, seemed explicit to me for the first time in my life. I knew what I wanted and needed.

Finally, at long last, our kiss broke. I stayed entwined in Riley's arms as our eyes open. We stared at each other for a moment, smiling like a couple of moonstruck middle school kids. Then we giggled together. Our grips loosened as we realized we weren't going to lose one another, but we stayed close together.

"I've never had a kiss like that," I said.

"Me neither," Riley responded, if felt strange to talk. Like we'd become something different than we'd been just moments before. But what did we do now? I knew what my body wanted. But what did Riley want? I decided to be forthright.

"Do you want to...come back to my place?" I asked nervously. Part of me knew she would say yes, but I was still not comfortable in all of this. Beyond the fact that none of it felt real. Riley cooed slightly rested her head on my shoulder.

"I only ever had this kind of opportunity once before and I blew it," she said, "I don't want to blow it again. My apartment is only two blocks away." She lifted her head again and looked at me. She had this playful smirk on her face and I must've returned it. In an instant, Riley's hands slipped down off of my body. She quickly grabbed my hand and started to run. I didn't even think, I just followed after her.

We ran pell mell down the street, heedless of everything else in the universe. I could hear Riley laughing as she ran and watched the exquisite form of her body as she moved. I laughed along with her and enjoying the ride. We sprinted back past the restaurant where we'd met. And then across a side street. Riley picked up speed now, running faster and my 9-year-older workaholic legs struggled to keep up. We ran through another intersection and I heard a car horn blare at us but didn't see it.

In few moments we ran up to tan brick building. Riley threw the door open and we ran inside. There was a somewhat large lobby with four elevators, two on either side. Riley ran to the middle of the room and pushed the button, jerking me across the floor panting and giggling and I flopped around wildly. The elevator did not instantly arrive and so she pulled me gasping, farther into the room. She opened up a set of doors.

"Just the second floor," she said and started to drag me up the stairs. The fact that we were so close gave me a second wind and I pounded up the winding staircase. A few seconds later we spilled out onto the second floor of the apartment building. Riley moved quickly to a door, presumably hers, and stopped.

"Shit," she said.

"What?"

"Let my purse and keys at the restaurant," she explained. I felt a draining feeling. This was going to fall apart. What was I doing? "Fuck it," she said and dropped to her knees. I wondered if she expected me to make love to her right there (and I was tempted). But she lifted up her welcome mat and retrieved a key. She quickly got up, slammed it into her lock and opened the door.

She turned the lights on as I stumbled into the room. It was a small studio apartment with cheap furniture but a big window opening up on the street just fifteen feet below. Riley had a large sofa that sat along the wall a few feet from the front door. It was a converter bed and was clearly the place where she slept. It was open and the sheets were a bit disheveled. She hadn't planned to bring her male date home it seemed. I didn't care if it was messy. I wanted on that bed.

Before I could do anything, Riley took my arm and swung me around. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into her body. Once again I felt our hips and our breasts press together. I closed my eyes and felt Riley's tongue play across my lips. The excitement was building now. We were both hurtling toward something and that realization made us want it faster, now! Our kiss was wilder this time, our mouths moving chaotically. Without realizing I was acting, I felt my arms move around Riley's body and my fingers felt her lower back, her shoulders, her neck was we passionately embraced. We were both completely wild with lust now, our novice uncertainty couldn't hold us back. Our bodies had taken over and we were going to keep acting until we achieved something that would give us peace.

Out of the cold and into Riley's cramped, overheated apartment, I instantly felt hot. Of course, my contact with Riley might've had something to do with that as well. I pushed back slightly from Riley and quickly slipped one arm out of my coat. I then sort of flung the whole thing off quickly and turned back to continue kissing Riley. But she'd acted quickly. While my arms were outstretched her hand had flown to my body. Her fingers found my buttons and was rapidly opening my shirt. I moaned slightly and let her continue. She untucked my shirt from my pants and then flung it off over my shoulders. I let my blouse slide off my arms. Now I was exposed save for my black demi-bra.

Riley looked at my body, the flare of my hips, the swell of my breasts, my dimple of a bellybutton, now all fully exposed. I could see the desire in her eyes and I felt so sexy in that moment, something I never recalled feeling before. But Riley had a need to see more. She reached forward and slipped her fingers into the top of my left bra cup. I gasped as I felt her warm fingers and cool nails press into my skin. Then Riley quickly pulled down, popping my breast out of the cup and into the exposed air of her home.

I gasped at the feeling, less from the physical sensation than from the emotional impact of exposure. A part of my body that I rarely exposed was free. For the first time in my life, my breast was not dutifully exposed while having obligatory sex with a man I did not care for. I was desperate for Riley to see all of my body. It felt...good. I looked down at my breast briefly. I saw the gentle curve of the top of my breast (pushed up by Riley's warm hand), I saw the dark red outline of my areola, around the size of a quarter, and I saw my nipple, a hard nub around a half inch long that ached in a way that I'd never felt before.