All Comments on 'Double or Nothing Pt. 01'

This is looking really good, a few basic spellers but that doesn't make a good story bad. Thank you and please don't keep us waiting too long.

This was so good that I wanted it to be longer just so I could see what happens next. I didn't notice grammar , punctuation, or anything except how engrossing your story was. You have created two new LW villains in Carol, and Dr. Sleaze, that fairly scream to be destroyed. The daughter is obviously a immature, entitled, pawn of her evil gold digging mother. I hope the next part is in the pipeline already, as I really look forward to it.

I have to say You and other writers continue to amaze me. Every time I think a woman is the worse You manage to find one even worse than the last. So far it is a great story and I find it very enjoyable.

In reading the comments I saw that one reader misses Matt M. I miss him too, he had some exceptional stories that I hated. only Old Testament whipping boy Job had it worse than his protagonists.

I gave you a five for this episode for no other reason than the MC retained the moral high ground in it.

Enjoying it so far

Looking forward to part 2.

Put your twist on it. Make it your own and new again.

Good start. Stay the course, but do your proof reading. It will make for a much better story.

I like this so far but I'm gonna wait to vote. Stories with series scares me. The 1st 1 or 2 page's are usually good, then turns to crap at the end. But so far I love it. I even love his feelings towards his whore wife and backstabbing bitch of a daughter. 1st off Mackenzie is 15. She's old enough to know right from wrong. She's clearly a gold digging self centered little tramp like her disgusting mother. There's no excuse for what she did to her dad. None. She's 15 not 5. Her having the audacity to ask for her birthday present irked me. I would've spit in her face, got in my car and drove off without a word. That would've told the little backstabbing tramp to fuck off and never speak to me again.

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all the feedback, for those who asked I am about 2/3 done on Part II. For a couple of the more specific questions:

Editing, More than anyone I am aware of my shortcomings when it comes to grammar, after posting my first story I have been talking with four different editors and have passed this and a couple of other draft stories by them. I few of them helped me to change some aspects of this story and there was some delay due to me taking leave. The editor helping me with the edit that I posted was a first time editor and he did a great job of picking up some real issue in the story, but less with grammar. If your a LW editor and you love to help with grammar, reach out privately and I would love to work with you. I also have to confess I posted this without another edit as I was upset. I found out that one of my close friends had his wife cheating on him with two other guys, so I posted this without a final edit being a little upset.

Mustangs - I drive a 2020 GT fastback and it the most fun car I have ever owned, I will likely feature a mustang in each story to some degree, and I have to say that StangStar also has a huge influence on my writing so I do this to honour in my writing.

Legal Points - I’m not in the legal profession so I don’t presume on what laws and statues work in which way. When I write I’m writing from my Point of View and how I think it should go. It may not work that way in the real world, but its a story so thats ok in my mind.

Mackenzie - I have received here and in email a few comments around Mackenzie and the positioning as Terry’s Daughter (or ex-daughter). I think I may have really struck some chords with readers on her due to the volume of messages relating specifically to her. I have a good idea where I want to take her and her relationship with Terry by the end of the story and it’s not going to be straight forward. The emotion of family is a key focus in a lot of what I want to write so you will notice it features a lot. I think in terms of “Burn the Family, BTF” as I find that when family is involved battle lines get drawn and the emotion goes to another level. Where does this leave Terry and Mackenzie, I’m not sure. We will find out as gone on their journey together.

Authors - Lastly, I want to thank all of the LW writers on here for putting their time and effort into writing stories that bring all of us so much emotion, before I started writing I did not understand what went into the process and even now as I become aware I want to thank each of you for the time and effort that you put into your stories that influence me so much in what I am writing.

Please keep the comments and ideas coming and if your a good editor and have grammar expertise in your skill set please reach out and lets get into email.

Regards

John

Well written story, with good character development. I can put myself in Terry's shoes. Never had this happen to me, thank goodness, but you made me feel his despair. I liked his sister as well. Wish I had a sister like her.

Lots of negatives about spelling and wrong words. Don't trust spell check! Proof read, for sure, but you are not publishing these as a vocabulary test. Looking forward to part 2.

The trouble with voice-to-text software is that, even with a spelling and grammar checker, homophones and near-homophones (like ‘expect’ & ‘accept’ or ‘your’ & ‘you’re’) can be generated by mistake, and have to caught. The process of catching them can reduce the time-gain (or even cost MORE time) than just doing it the old-fashioned way of chiseling it out in granite! I would urge O2O1 to use an editor or beta reader for subsequent chapters!

Another grinch … too many names too soon, even had those characters been introduced to We-The-Readers. At least by familial links, as Paul (BiL) was and Wm & Martha kinda were.*

Final grinch … the MC’s diatribe at ex-daughter was very satisfying to WTR and probably highly cathartic for him! However, it would be VERY unlikely to happen except in a letter that he would organize after a week+ and a dozen drafts! Just too good to happen after he was taken by surprise by both bitches!

* kinda because W&M were parental in-laws (or more WTR friendly, ‘Sweetie’s folks’)

An OK read, but far, far too many typos and wrong words. Spellchecker is fine, but it can only do so much.

I hope we don’t have to wait part 2 to long.as these authors should finish the story before putting it online. This so far has my interest. Keep those chapters coming .

Part of the problem with a serial story’s prologue being temporally after the content in that chapter is that it allows WTR to guess on what happened that Sweetie1 and Ex-Daughter to come to the betrayed Main Character with a serious problem.

Clearly (I think) the fortunes of the two bitches have gone awry! Or maybe just one of them … but ExD should be at or very near 18. I would guess Dr. Asshole would have insisted on a pre-nup before marrying Sweetie1 (but after she was divorced!) Then she screwed up and got caught screwing (either further up fiscally or better sex.). That would be disastrous for Sweetie1, but should NOT interfere with ExD’s college or inheritance plans if ExD is smart. Or possibly, Dr. Asshole has gone bankrupt … but that has a remote likelihood for an M.D. of his tenure. He was 40-50 y.o. when she betrayed MC. By then, DrA would have deep resources.

Well, waiting for the twist!

Great start. There will be much to *digest* as it all unfolds concerning his ex-wife, and ex-daughter who now need his help! Maybe you can put a foot-note in the beginning of chapter 2 to tell the reader how much time has passed.

I did enjoy it, mostly. Unfortunately the wife and daughter were a tad too over the top for my tastes ie too true to the LW template and mostly written in a manner to get the grunters all riled up.

Were it not for that I would have rated it higher. By using the the tired and worn LW template it comes across as not trusting your writing skills to get the emotions from the reader that you want to elicit, so the anger inducing bitch/dumb cunt/entitled twat gets used.

Really that was a shame. Ill still be interested to see where this all goes, but I dont see you stepping up your game any, as few actually listen to comments, other than to whine about them.

It is interesting how many LW stories end the first chapter with great drama and promise, and then whimper away into obnoxious drivel. So you get no rating until the complete story is submitted. And of course your description begs the question about how close, deep, and intimate this marriage and family were for the wife, and Daughter, to pull off a complete betrayal without the husband having any clue, any indication, and hint that his marriage and daughter relationship was out of balance, had changed over the years, was colder, distant, and deteriorating. It makes the husband look like a clueless detached dumb shit, or its just another Martian Slut Ray story. And using the Plumbing profession as the foil is a complete fail. You obviously have no clue how much money Plumbers make; A Lot. More than many in the medical profession.

So its a decent plot idea, but not very well executed so far. Let's wait to see how this unfolds. So far its a weak 4, which isn't bad. Good luck with the followup. Thanks for the effort.

This is a well worn path. Hope you have a new(ish) angle for part 2; not just that Dr. Moron died, or mom has cancer or something.

The daughter is following her mother’s example, hope they both get what’s coming for them.

You have applied US legal, education and health industry norms to Australia where they do not apply. For example university (not college) is paid for by government funds repaid when taxable income exceeds a certain amount - people here don't have large "college funds". Best to stick with locations you understand.

You really need to understand the meaning of the words you use. Eg flawed which should be floored.

Good first chapter! Looking forward to the next!

A marvelous story with a plot, characters, details, conversations, and emotions. The last page was redundant and made the story boring. Everything was repeated at least twice and it was a horrible read.

Quite a piece of work there Other2other1. Please continue your efforts,as we enjoy your writing. We look forward to the end of this particular tale, as well as enjoying the ones that follow. LP

Fuck those two women and feed them fish heads.

enjoyed the story so far looking forward to part 2

*****Great beginning I hope you keep future submissions to this story in a timely manner. Thanks for sharing.

Well done!

Several funny typos. I cant stand the guys last name. Minor issues though.

Borrowing a line from the previous Anonymous poster: "A lot of spelling and grammatical errors that needed to be addressed before posting. Hopefully you will have someone look it over before you post the next installment." This is a really good story but the court scene you kept changing Mrs. and Ms. around and also misspelled the business name "Delotiz" twice. Please have an English speaking editor read the story and if needed, a different one for a second pass. Talk to other authors, they probably use 3 or 4 different one's.

sorry lame

It’s a great start, thanks. Eagerly awaiting the next part.

Good story!

5

This story is an excellent parody on the over-the-top "she done me wrong" story. At first, I thought it may be serious, but as I kept reading I started laughing and couldn't stop.

The first clue was the letter that was left by Carol. She says near the beginning: "There is no great way to say this, but I have fallen in love with another man who is much better than you ever were".

Really? The new man is much better than her husband ever was? Would any wife really say this unless the husband was an axe-murderer? But then near the end of her letter she says almost the exact opposite: "You have been a loving father, a good husband, and you are good in bed."

Well, bugger me! That was very confusing! What the hell is she really trying to say????

But it gets better as the humor ramps up. For example, the good doctor goes from being Morrison to Morron (did you mean Moron instead?), then to Morrision and back again to Morrison. Mackenzie became Makenzie and even Mackenize - no wonder the poor girl was confused. But wait, there's more; Martha became Mathra, Deloitz became Delotiz, and Stephen became Stepehn. Other than Mr. Other and the ex-Mrs. Other, along with baby Other, I can't think of another Other.

However, the real parody was that the villains (Stephen/Stepehn Wolf or whatever, the ex-Mrs. Other and baby Mechanize) were so over-the-top villainous, while the other Other, Mr. Other, was the exact opposite, and I really think he could be either a saint or a real angel.

Anyway, a really excellent spoof, especially after the author told us it had been edited (what he neglected to mention was that the editor was his dog) so 5 stars, but I think it should have been in Humor rather than Loving Wives.

Where do you go from here? The old family are gone, cut out of his life, excised like a cancer, so what’s left to write?

We’ve seen this before in LW: new father tries to molest daughter, or daughter needs a new kidney and dad is the only match, something like that.

This is the easy part. I'll never give another chapter one a five until I've finished the story. Any average writer can write 100 of these setups that look just like this. Only the good ones can do something with the rest of the story. This was mostly wasted ink. Betrayed... wife and daughter... divorce... yeah, all that. What are you going to do with it? This was all chit-chat and the story went begging. It remains to be seen if you're an also-ran or a winner. We'll see, then I'll come back and give this the score it earns.

Also, a warning, some chapters will get a little weird as I have not seen the LW theme taken quite in the direction I want to through this story

That's a tall order, not much that hasn't been done to death in LW.

Good start but some serious plot holes. Like the lawyer sister not dealing with the bogus restraining orders immediately & this 'great' loving dad who never tries to contact his daughter & just takes his gold digging wife's word about her. Maybe the wife was lying to her as much as she lied to him. Instead of trying to find out he just abandons & writes her off. Nice loving dad.

Good so far and nothing major jumps out as flaws, one thing maybe, at one point you refer to the daughter as "Mrs" and the wife as "Ms". You might want to get a proof reader or editor to help eliminate that kind of silly mistake.

Excerpt from Page 2:

"Stephen Morrison wishes to adopt Ms Other with both the approval of Ms Carol Other and Mrs Mackenzie Other."

Should be:

Stephen Morrison wishes to adopt Ms Other with both the approval of Mrs Carol Other and Ms Mackenzie Other.

Would love to see in one of these stories where the guy the wife cheats with is taken and has a taser wire attached to his nuts and has them fried

We still don’t know who Melody or Harmony are, though by the middle of pg 2 logic says one is his 2nd wife (daughter of Martha and William, Terry’s 2nd in-laws) and the other is his stepdaughter or stepsister. So you’re playing games by not revealing who is who by simply not telling us. If this were a purpose written mystery I might understand it. But as it’s not I find it irritating. If you absolutely had to introduce the “bodies” at the family gathering, why not just say “and the other few adults” or something like that. Then in the final showdown fill us in on who all is who when it becomes important to know that. Right now it reads as a YA mystery, with hinted at clues every few paragraphs.

At the first family gathering scene you might say “...and the fruit salad was brought out.” No need to telegraph a particular person did it. We know SOMEBODY had to bring it out, but you don’t need to spot light at this point as since, at this instance, it’s not important. Then later in the second scene family gathering say “...Melody, who brought out her famous fruit salad moments ago [hopefully having the reader recall the first scene “Oh yeah, I remember someone brought out fruit salad in scene one right before Terry dropped all the meat on the tray!”], came to stand next to me, taking my hand just like she had all those years ago when we werefacing the guests at are wedding after the minister announced us ‘man and wife’.”

Also, you’re already telegraphing Dr Asswipe’s downfall or future infidelity, and separation / divorce from Carol when you describe Carol’s physical condition. No need for us to know that, yet. Just say “The doorbell rang and there stood Carol and my estranged-daughter (No need to telegraph how badly she will treat him yet) on the front stoop.” Then much later “...and there stood Carol and my ex-daughter at the front door. Boy did Carol look bad. She was all dumpy having gained a couple of dozen pounds, and instead of a sleek designer dress that she was so fond of, it looked like she might be buying from Chickenfeed or Woolworth.” Or something like that.

ALSO, at least one beta read for gross spelling errors and obvious grammatical errors too (* I volunteer *).

Otherwise, like the story so far.

Day 2 where is part 2. You writers should finish a story before publishing it. You show no respect to us readers by writing and publishing over days and weeks. We remember writers who string us along with partial stories. 1 star

Even Mr Tramp is "Looking forward to seeing how this goes," so you know it's a solid BTB. Mr Shock wrote, "Now with that out of the way, I must say that I don't see very many ways for this to pan out. Or, to be more accurate, I don't really care to imagine anything beyond "Thanks for dropping by, now kindly fuck off". I don't care what kind of sob story they have to tell. I don't care about what they've been through or the scars it may or may not have left on them, physical or otherwise. Because of the sheer evil in what they did, and attempted to do, I don't care about whatever kind of path to redemption the author has cooked up. And clearly there's going to be one, otherwise there's no reason for this to be a multi-part series."

.

That's the problem: you haven't left yourself much room for chapter 2. Dr Morrison is already on probation, so you've set it up for something to happen to his medical license, a far-too-common LW trope. The new Mrs Morrison will undoubtedly let herself get fat, while young Miss Morrison will have problems of her own. Perhaps someone will t-bone her Lexus and leave her paralyzed from the neck down.

.

Really, there isn't much further you can go and stay on the BTB path that has scored this story above 4.5. For it to be a first-person story, told from Mr Other's perspective, Mr Other has to actually care about what happens to them, and the reason this story has scored so highly is that he has wiped caring about them from his mind.

.

One part I really disliked about this story is that, almost to match his ex-wife's complaints, Mr Other went from a simple, if successful, plumber, to an executive. Not only is that a kind of fanciful step, but it falls right in line with so many others here, in which the cheated on party is an IT professional, or retired CIA agent or SEAL. If the new Mrs Morrison is to eventually realize that she made a huge mistake in dumping Mr Other, making him an executive now greatly narrows the difference in professional stature between Dr Morrison and him, and weakens that part of a second chapter, if that's what you have planned.

.

The greatest revenge Mr Other can have you've already given us: he just no longer cares what happens to his ex-wife and daughter. A second chapter can only be one in which he does care.

Well written and interesting, I'll read the follow ups.

However, you seem to have set it in Australia, so I'm going to have some fun pointing out differences between how we live and how America seems to work:

1. Australian university education is relatively low cost and funded by a progressive tax on the graduates till they pay back their education. This means we don't have education savings accounts the way you mentioned for his kid.

2. Australian divorce laws vary by state (and I'm too lazy to look up the other states), but I'd be stunned to find any state not working on a no-fault divorce process. And key parts of that divorce process are:

a) Splitting up the superannuation (e.g. penison account) - Any divorce in Australia is almost certain to see some balancing of the superannation amount to a lower earning wife (regardless of any new marriage)

b) There is a 1 year separation period before you can get divorced.

3. In any Australian court, the interests of the kid is paramount and adoption is almost impossible over here (e.g. kids are placed in long term care orders, no adopted). Any lawyer would piss themselves laughing at the idea of a new parent adopting the kid without the old one dying.

Still, I enjoyed the story, but it's fun to see other parts of the world prject themselves onto us :-) (now that I write that and consider the site I'm on, it feels more disturbing...)

A good story in fantasy world. Daughter of 15 just turn on her loving father and signs a adoption paper with the wife’s cheating boyfriend. Reall that is far out. No hint I’d anything wrong.no abuse or disfunction in the family. He had no idea, no clue she was cheating on him. I find that very hard to believe. Most men do not want a wife with a teenager and baggage 🧳.yet going into a adoption no less. So how was the whore able to be so cool sleeping with 2 men. Must be a multiple personality. Not plausible. On what grounds does she get a restraining order to hold up in court with her letter and no grounds to do so. Plumbers make a dame good living ,yet she hooks up with a pot belly ,social path doctor. This crazy.

Very nice build up for the next chapter. Thanks for sharing 👍.

*****

2 stars from me. I really don't like courtroom dramas when the author isn't an attorney and makes up the law as he /she goes. I don't know Australian law, but one commenter does apparently, and I wasn't surprised to read that a stepfather forcing an adoption upon the biological father would be next to impossible. I would also suggest that you get an editor because there are just way too many misspelled words to make this read enjoyable, e.g., curiosity is "piqued" not "peaked"; "your" should have been "you are" or "you're" in several places, etc.

Promising, but i will wait to see where this goes... [Didn't vote yet ^^]

Personally, I gave this story a "5" because I didn't work to stop reading. If this type of story is so involved with particular lines to collaborate the storyline then I will love it.

It's interesting to have an outcome where the innocent party isn't penalised and ruined in a misguided attempt to 'look after the children's interests' I often muse on the term 'American justice' when I read some stories based on US family court procedures and consider it more an oxymoron than a laudable goal. The US is big enough and smart enough to fix the divorce laws to make sure the current situation is made fair and effectively penalises the guilty without hurting the children more than a divorce normally does. Cheating spouses SHOULD NOT PROSPER from their DISGUSTING AND HARMFUL Conduct. Children should see fair treatment and not pompous judicial ego and lawyers 'playing the system' I enjoyed this story and look forward to it continuing, but NOT in the USA. 5*****

Seems promising, but I will hold rating it until finished if ever.

Not a bad story, but please get an editor. We all make the occasional mistake, but this was pretty bad in terms of grammar.

Hooked

Mackenzie Makenzie Mackenize

I know that doesn't apparently bother everyone, but those drive me crazy. There are so many spell checkers and editors that would love to assist you. GET ONE or Both.

However, I will certainly follow the additional chapters even if there are three or more

spelling issues. It astounds me the rating of this story is as high as it is: 4 stars is the best I can give. I do admire your tenacity hang in there.

The doctor is one of the stupidest antagonists ever written in LW, and that's saying a lot.

I gave this 3 out of 5 due to atrocious grammar and lack of sufficient proofreading.

I agree with 69gman on the daughters name, just call her Mac.

This is an example of a good story being ruined by poor grammar, ill thought out sentence structure and lack of clarity (characters thrown in without introduction).

Please get an editor or at least recruit some proof readers.

I'm reserving my vote for the end but I agree with everyone else, please get an editor or Grammarly, or run Word spell check, anything! I also agree with another comment about the dr. The way he's described is downright cartoonish. A real doctor would have simply said, "Mr. Others, you're in violation of a restraining order. Please leave before the authorities are called." You've got him talking like a low level red neck with a 6th grade education.

4* - Great story line but terrible grammar. The spelling mistakes force me to reread many lines. Get an editor or use a spell checker.

Further retribution should be easy, as all three of the offenders are written as brain dead. No wonder Saddletramp likes this, it makes his characters seem well-rounded in comparison, practically Shakespearean. First, we have the wife who leaves an inflammatory note. What positive purpose could this serve, from her point of view. A note that like would make a husband want to dig in in any divorce proceedings, and is actually something he could submit to a judge. Next, we have a doctor that makes an inflammatory statement, that could trigger a murderous rage, which he likely would not fare well being overweight, or would make the husband Hell bent on some other kind of revenge. Not only that, he does it in front of witnesses, one of whom is a lawyer and another that is a major donor (which the doctor seems to be unaware of) to his hospital. Lastly we get a 15 year-old daughter who thinks she will have a good relationship with her father 6 months after no contact and being adopted by another man. I know we all had some odd ideas as teenagers, but this is really pushing it. I can imagine teenagers reading this and thinking, "Wow, she's really stupid." I can't wait to see where this goes, it's a trainwreck I can't take my eyes off.

An outstanding good start! Well written. Well paced and engaging. Even the legal stuff seems credible not that I’m any lawyer, mind you. It’s always nice to see the Evil Wife hoisted on her own petard like that. And while I think our hero is being too hard on his daughter I have a hunch there will be a reconciliation with her down the road.

And yes you could use a good copy editor. On to chapter 2!

Yes, please get a spell checker... Learn the difference between your and you're. Otherwise, a good effort for part one.

I'll give you props for one thing: unlike Lickme35 and hos story, "She cheated, I got even," you had the courage to leave negative comments up. Mr 35 initially had comments open, but then deleted them all and closed comments, because, like his queer hero, he has no balls.

Good story, looking forward to the next chapter

I’m very interested to see more honestly. I see a lot of flak for this story in the quick browse, but please continue! I want to see hey those traitorous bitched are back

Great things often rise from the burnt ashes of past experiences. Love the story waiting for the next chapter or chapters to be posted. I agree with the need of an editor, but it was readable. Five stars

I hope I don't have to tell you to pay no attention to these bullshit comments. Great story.

I had to read this again to make sure it was as bad as I first thought. The author doesn’t appear to have the first idea about Australian adoption or divorce law or procedures. A broken ankle and a rich woman went to a public hospital, at night, to see her doctor to get permission to travel? The rest of the confrontation with the doctor is just absurd. $140000 for a college? Fund for a fifteen year old? This whole thing should be in humour/satire section as a demo on how not to write a serious story.

I enjoyed the story and look forward to seeing where you take it. Mackenzie was young and dumb. She may have grown out of it. That said, it will take time and effort to rebuild a relationship with her father and only if both if them want it. As far as Carol goes, he shouldn't care and should enjoy living a good life with family and friends, but I really wouldn't mind if she ended up homeless and came down with a very nasty disease - maybe an untreated case of syphilis? Maybe Mackenzie will hate her mother for what she did. And both of them can grow old and bitter seeing what a good life Terry has.

Nice story!!! Looking forward to the squel,

WAITING FOR THE REST OF THE STORY!!!

One of the best 1st chapters I have come across.

Please do post as quickly as you can.

Pretty good tale, but in no form or fashion deserved 5* rating. Dont know how this is rating a red star.

Good story. Glad to see he didn't give in to his daughter.

Looking forward to part two.

I have just read one of the only unique beginnings to a loving wife story that I've seen on this site. BTB with a twist, good job. I'm looking forward to the next instalment. 5* for this one, I hope you earn it again in the next....don't keep me waiting too long, and don't finish with a cliché.

Dude, you have a bit of talent, but get an editor. Honestly.

A tremendous beginning to a tough story. One if the coldest and mist heartless treatment of a husband in the LW category. I am so glad he stuck to his conviction about how they treated him. Looking forward to part 2.

Good, but for the love of God, get an editor.

The spelling and grammar mistakes are inexcusable.

This is a a story that benefits from quick release of chapters due to highi emotional content. Please don't make us wait too long

How the hell did this get such a high rating. That was painful to read. Proofread your stuff before posting. You don't have a deadline.

I am setting here lol about the comments on get an editor.

I like your 2 stories you have written and believe your ability to tell stories is really good. I however, am in the same boat as you on writing grammatically correct words into a cohesive group of well punctuated sentences.

That is why I am lol.

I am looking forward to the next parts of this story.

Thank you for continuing to write.

I love idiots saying someone's grammar is "inexcusable". They do not teach grammar any more. Have not for decades. When was the last time you saw someone diagramming a sentence. If a computer can not do it how can an uneducated writer. I had a friend at school whose old grandfather would take a red pen and correcting letters he wrote his grandfather and mail it back. He made it clear it wasn't appreciated. Eventually he stopped writing Paw-paw back when he received letters from him. This was back when you dialed 0 and told the operator what number you wanted to call. Back when grammar was important. I had rather read a good story with some mistakes than listen to some sanctimonious know it all be a typical American and find fault with people thinking it makes themselves somehow superior. A good story is what is important. Some jack ass disparaging people doesn't accomplish anything but create an unpleasant experience for the rest of us when we read about the story to decide whether it is worth reading, or not..

As your other story, it is good but for the mis-spells and mis-words. I also write but under a different pen-name and I too as a newbie cannot find an L editor or L Proof-reader that wants to tag onto a no-name-newbie. Having stage1 dyslexia sure slows me down even though I have a Masters. I had to find a method to do self-edits.

/

1st - I use MS Word w/spell-grammar checking - then after my first write I put the story down for a week.

/

2nd - a week later I read the story OUT LOUD off the screen. You will be surprised how many things jump out at you - you will kick yourself at some stupid ones - do those edits. Put the story down for another week and redo the OUT LOUD reading - again you'll be embarrassed or you will see needed grammar improvements - do those edits.

/

3rd - Put down for another week and repeat one last time. After this you will continue to see things you want to change/improve/etc. Time to submit and take the L beatings.

/

And yes, I censor crap comments that go personal. Constructive is good even if it hurts, praise is an ego boost. The HOT flag is really good, but if posting to LW anything above 4.0 is HOT, all in the LW genera seem to be arm-chair guru's and want blood.

/

Looking forward to part 2, with your draconian social climate you should have plenty of time to write. I ported in Ausy-land in 1978, I like it; Ausy (and UK/EU) were on my retired bucket list but no longer I'll not tour a fascist state.

/

4.5*, Hooyah, salutes.....

Great story BUT...... Get an editor!!!

The basic plot mirrors another story on here where the MC was a garbage man and wife and daughter leave. Some differences after that.

A restraining order for absolutely no reason? That hospital scene was straight out of Monty Python it was so absurd. Nobody breathing is that stupid. That silly court room scene? Seriously? The MC is perfection personified and the wife and daughter are evil with no redeeming qualities. The typical LW tropes apply it seems. There is a subsection of readers that will love it because of those very completely unrealistic situations you used. This will most definitely have an audience.

The number of misused words is startling. Did you not at least re-read the thing before publishing? I hope this was a draft submitted by mistake. Good luck going forward.

Author, please don't post stories before they're complete. It's annoying to read a story and find out that the rest of the story hasn't even been written yet, let alone edited. BTW, will chapter two be the end.

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Another reason not to post chapter one is that chapter two may go off in another direction, requiring changes in chapter one that can't be made.

Only 1/3 of part 2..? Dont be that slow !

I can understand hi not being enough for his wife, but his DAUGHTER? And his daughter helped hide the affair from her father?

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First of all, her doctor can give her SO much, yet she needs half the equity in the house? Second, without evidence of violence or abuse, she can't control how long the R.O. is in effect.

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I don't see what changing their doctor does at this point. She's just getting a final check-out and leaving town.

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Stephen is Mackenzie's doctor, but apparently also an orthopedist?

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It's not violating a restraining going some place Stephen just happens to be. If anything Stephen is violating it by approaching HIM!

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What authority does Stephen have over the entire hospital.

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"what this man has told you is likely wrong" - He just confirmed everything that Other had said!

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I see that the judge basically agreed with me regarding the house, though I wouldn't have given her anything!

"One hundred and forty-two thousand dollars, be transferred to Mrs Carol Other for her daughter's maintenance is denied." This was a university fund, but it was going to be transferred to a "maintenance" fund?

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Since John is no longer in town, what complaints could there be concerning him?

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"You can spoil me again and give me the birthday present that I'm sure you got me!" - Why should he spoil someone else's daughter? I thought he DID get her a present; maybe he never gave it to her? Won't Stephen be upset that she's calling John, "Dad?"

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I'm surprised that he didn't call Mackenzie on her apparent covering up her mother's affair.

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"Once Mackenize went to get out of the vehicle." - I'm guessing that she wanted one more chance with John.

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Definitely needs editing. Use Word's editing function, read it aloud several times, use text-to-speech.

A good author has the story finished before posting as well as editing

Quit bitching and volunteer to BE an editor!!!

@SystemShock Re: "Because of the sheer evil in what they did, and attempted to do, I don't care about whatever kind of path to redemption the author has cooked up." - I agree, and this is a problem with posting chapter one before the whole story is written. I'm guessing other is planning SOME sort of a rapprochement, but unfortunately he has painted Carol and Mackenzie into a VERY tight corner here, which IMHO precludes any realistic peace-making.

Fucking "click-bait"! Worthless!

I liked it and am looking for the next installment.

Finish writing the rest of the story before posting the next installment.

Did you waste even a single minute in Proof Reading this 'story'?

Basically it is dreadfully written, even down to not knowing what to call the putative 'daughter!

You variously call 'her' 'Mackenzie' or ' Mackenize'!

You obviously don't know the difference between, for instance, 'you're' and 'your'!

Before you seriously consider Posting 'Part 2' I strongly suggest that you persuade someone able to write literate English to Proof Read it and Edit it, since you don't appear able to do so!

Good story so far O2O1

As for the whiners

It's other2other1's story, and they can upload it however the hell they want.

If you have an issue with that, tough fucking luck, bitch.

Nobody owes your pathetiuc ass a fucking thing.

Your writing says that you really do not care.

"Paul came around, joining Kim and me, and Kim"

What is that? Were there two Kim's?

Someone else took you to task for not being able to be consistent with the daughters name but you could not spell Martha correctly every time either.

Well done, hope you finish this as I am curious to see where it goes. Please don't have the MC reconcile with his wife or daughter. He should throw them out of his house and move on. No one should be treated the way they treated him. 5*

Nice.

New friends and the new job

didn't do good on a reality check.

But sadly the bitch and her slut mother

were not unrealistic.

There are people like them among us.

I know. I've got the scars on both accounts.

I like this story.

It has a good, well worked plot.

Looking forward to the rest.

Top ratings from me.

Great story. Can't wait for the rest!

I like the way Terry is portrayed in this story. Most authors would make him into an alcoholic and can easily be manipulated by his ex wife and kids. Anyways, waiting for the next chapter.

waiting for part 2

i like that Terry stays strong against the ex-wife and former daughter. I am not sure why you need a super long part 2, 3, 4, whatever; we already know from the start of the prologue Terry is married to one of William and Mary's daughter, has kids and the ex-family comes crawling back desperate for help. just need a page or 2 to get to that point and move the story forward. not rating this chapter until I know more as so many multi-chapter stories the betrayed husband reverses his view and reconciles with everyone and becomes the cuckold the originally refused to be. tentative score of a 4 for this chapter