Falling Down

I was in so much pain I could barely move, much less speak. "Hurt my hand coach..." I finally managed to croak out.

He put his hands on his hips, "Don't make excuses. You should have put that kid away in the first round with a pin. Not embarrassed yourself with a stall out victory."

His words stung me as bad as the pain in my wrist and hand...

I had let him down...

I had let myself down...

Karly was there then, I could feel her hand on my back as I leaned down and tried to pick up my stuff. My right hand was a blaze of agony and I kept it cradled in tight to my body. I picked everything up with my left. "What's wrong? What hurts?" She asked me, her voice nearly in panic.

I couldn't even bring myself to look at her I was so ashamed...

"My right hand. I hurt it." I managed through gritted teeth and tear-filled eyes.

Coach continued to rail at me. I didn't think he could be so cruel...

I was wrong.

Karly finally had enough. "Coach, stop. I think he's hurt."

"He's not hurt. He's making excuses for going out there and acting like he could just coast through that match!"

I looked at him and saw he was red faced with anger. I had never seen him that angry before...

"I'm sorry coach. I'll do better next time." I pleaded with him. I could feel panic rising in me. It was like it was with my dad, when I had pushed him too far, when the pushes, and the slaps and the choking was about to start...

"I'll do better..." I squeaked...

He took a step forward and my she-wolf fell on him like a wounded deer. "You stay away from him! I can't fucking believe you! You care more about this stupid tournament than you do about him!"

Coach rounded on her red faced and I felt my panic slam down into a deep cellar. Anger came rushing out.

"What did you say..." He started, but she cut him off.

"I said you care more about this stupid tournament than you do about him! How dare you! He trusts you!" She screamed.

Then Joshua was there...

He held his daughter back and stepped between her and coach. "Coach, take a step back. I'll handle this."

Coach pointed a finger at Karly, "It's your fault he's distracted! He would have never have wrestled that badly if you hadn't have been here!"

Joshua's voice was like a whip, "Coach! Shut your fucking mouth!"

Coach stopped like he had been slapped, his mouth working like a fish out of water.

Joshua was seriously pissed. "Now walk away, I'll handle this."

Coach had murder in his eyes...

He walked away though...

My hand hurt so much I could barely breathe...

The instant coach walked away Karly was there again. I was still bent over, curled around my pain. "I'm sorry baby... what hurts?"

I rocked a little, trying to will the pain away. "My hand. He landed on it when I went for that bear hug. I felt something pop in it. It really hurts now..." I mumbled.

"Dad. He's hurt. Can you look at it?" She pleaded.

Joshua came to me with concern in his eyes. "Let me see son." He commanded.

I really didn't want to show him. I didn't want to do anything but keep my hand against my body, to curl around it and ensure that nobody else touched it.

He reached in and pulled at my arm, careful not to touch my hand. Reluctantly, I let my hand away from my body.

We looked at it together. There was a lump forming on the back of my hand, a big one...

Joshua looked at me. "I know it hurts bud." He turned my hand this way and that.

"Is it broken?" Karly asked. I could hear the panic in her voice.

Joshua looked at her, obviously trying to calm his daughter. "Hon. Gabby's tough, but I don't think he could have finished wrestling that match with a broken hand."

His eyes returned to me. "Can you move your fingers?"

I tried. I gritted my teeth and pain raked through me. It felt like someone was sawing my hand off, but I managed to move all five of my fingers. "Yes sir."

He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in for a rough hug. He whispered into my ear. "I know it hurts son..."

I felt a new stab of pain as I remembered the horrible things coach had said to me. He was right. I was a loser. I had let myself down. I had let the team down...

I had let him down.

Joshua's arms were around me. "I'm proud of you Gabby. I can see how much pain you're in, and you kept fighting. You did good."

I tried to nod. I tried to keep from crying....

I felt so weak.

I had my warm ups curled in my left arm and I was just standing there standing like an asshole...

Joshua patted me on the back. "Don't listen to what anyone says if they say differently. You did good son."

I shook my head vigorously. I knew he was lying to me...

"Karly, get him back up into the stands. Get him some ice for his hand and go to your mom and get him some ibuprofen. He needs to get the swelling down before the next match."

I stayed curled up on myself, my eyes glued to the floor as Karly put her arm around me and started to walk me away. I felt like shit. I was shit.

"Karly?" I heard Joshua say. I felt her turn back and look at her dad. "Keep coach away from him too. Okay?"

I felt her nod.

We stopped by the stairs leading up off the main floor so I could put my pants on. I could barely move my right hand, and Karly had to help me in pulling them up.

She laughed nervously. "First time I'm helping you to put clothes on... feels a little weird."

My eyes met hers. She smiled at me.

She was trying so hard. She was trying to get my brain out of the fog.

"I love you." I finally managed.

She pulled me in for a full hug. "I love you more baby boy."

I wanted to cry.

I hurt so fucking much. The pain was so much worse now than it had been during the match...

I wrapped my top around my arm, for some reason the extra pressure made it feel a little better.

We made our way up to the stands and Karly made me unwrap it and show it to her as she knelt in front of me. Joe rushed in... "What's wrong?"

She looked at him. I could tell she wanted to lash out at him, but she must have seen something in his face that made her forget how angry she was at him for how he had treated me. "He hurt his hand. Go find the trainer now."

The look she gave him brooked no argument, and he leapt over the row of chairs we were seated in in his haste to go for help. She poked at my hand and I nearly screamed.

Through gritted teeth I told her. "Please don't do that again..."

She put her hands on each side of my face. "I'm going to go get you some ice and some ibuprofen. Just sit here and rest okay?"

I gave her a pained smile and nodded, thankful just to be left alone for a second...

Karly made it back before Joe got back with the trainer. She put a Ziploc baggy full of ice on my hand, and wrapped it with my warm up. I sat in my chair and rocked, trying, unsuccessfully to will the pain away.

In about five minutes the trainer arrived. One of the other coaches was also the team trainer. He was a stern, slim man. "Coach told me you got a stinger..." he announced as he arrived. "He isn't too thrilled with you pulling me away from the match."

I shook my head. "He's right. You should go back, I'll be fine."

Karly looked at him, pleading with her eyes. "Just look at his hand coach. He's in a lot of pain, and he can barely move it."

Coach sighed and shook his head. "Okay, let's see."

I was ashamed that she was making such a big deal out of it. It hurt. It hurt worse than any injury I had ever had, but I could handle it. Hell, I didn't have much choice but to handle it.

I unwrapped it and held my hand out to coach. He took my hand between his and put both his thumbs on either side of the lump on my hand. He moved his fingers back and forth and I could feel something grinding in my hand.

The pain was blinding. So, painfully blinding I had to close my eyes and send my mind to the quiet place...

Next, he put his fingers in my hand. "Squeeze."

I squeezed for everything I was worth.

My grip was pitiful. The pain made me want to pass out, and I could feel I had little more than a child's grip.

"Is his hand broken?" Karly asked, her voice full of concern.

Coach shook his head. "I don't think so. He wouldn't have been able to finish the match if it was broken." He put the ice pack back on my wrist. "Keep the ice on it. When you get called for your next match I'll meet you by the check in area and I'll tape your wrist. Okay?"

I met his eyes, swallowed my pain and nodded, not trusting my voice not to squeak if I answered him.

Coach left and Karly fussed over me. My mind started to go to a dark place...

She suddenly pulled my arm around her and lay her head against my chest.

I rocked myself against the pain. My brain spiraled lower. "You should go. You're supposed to be keeping stats on the matches." I heard myself say.

I knew she shouldn't go. I knew where my brain wanted me to go and I knew it would find dark alleys to walk if she left. Most of me didn't want her to leave, but a part of me felt so bad for letting coach down, that I felt like punishing myself...

"I'm staying right here. You need me right now." She whispered.

"Coach will be mad."

"Coach can eat my cunt on a warm slice of bread." She hissed.

I found that immensely funny...

My hand hurt as I threw my head back and giggled my head off. She had pulled me away from it...

I wrapped my left hand around the back of her head and pulled her in close. I didn't kiss her during tournaments, but I would rub the hell out of her nose...

"I love you baby boy." She whispered to me.

I nodded. "I'm really tired all of a sudden..."

She nodded against my head. "Okay, get some sleep. I'll wake you up a when they call you. Then we'll look at your hand again."

My hand still hurt badly, but I had developed a habit of taking a nap between matches at a big tournament and it looked like my body was in full expectation that this was going to continue to happen. Normally, tournaments were held at schools, and that made the process of dropping off pretty easy. We all sat in the bleachers around the basketball court and it was easy to just lay out between the benches and drift off. Here, in the bigger venue there were actual seats and a concrete floor. That meant in order to take a nap I either had to try to sit upright in the seat and sleep, or crawl down in the much more limited space in the aisle to make room for myself.

I laid my sleeping bag out, thankful for the extra padding it provided on the concrete floor, grabbed my pillow and laid down. I kept the ice on my hand, with my warmup wrapped around the whole affair.

Karly said, "Maybe you should take the ice off your hand before you fall asleep. I don't want you to get frostbitten."

I was so tired. I just wanted to go to sleep and make the pain stop...

"I'll be fine. I need the swelling to go down so I can use my hand."

She looked at me, the concern and love on her face apparent.

"I'll be okay baby girl. I love you."

She nodded her head. "I love you too. Go to sleep."

Sleep took me quickly...

Chapter 7

"Baby boy, wake up." Karly was shaking my foot.

I jerked awake and banged my hand against the seat in front of me...

The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. My breathing stopped entirely and I lay there paralyzed by it as the sensation rocked and tore up and down my arm. It was like a live animal was chewing on my arm. Something strong, like maybe a bear...

I sat up, curling my arm into my body protectively.

"Shit!" I heard Karly cry. "Todd, go get your dad please. I need him to look at Gabby's hand."

I shook my head. "I'll be fine."

Karly was kneeling on the cement in front of me. "Todd's dad is a doctor. It won't hurt to have him look at your hand."

I looked at her with misery on my face. "It matters. I can't quit. I have to keep wrestling."

I could see the pain on her face, mirroring my own. "Baby boy, if you're hurt you can't keep going."

Trying to control my breathing and focusing past the pain I looked into her perfect eyes. "Hon, this is the State Tournament. It's the only tournament that really matters... my scholarships will be riding on this..."

And there was the crux of the matter given voice. I didn't want to keep going. I wanted so much to quit and walk away. To go and crawl into a deep, dark hole and pull it in after me. I wanted so much for the pain to stop.

I expected Karly to understand.

I was smart, and in the top classes in my school, but my grades were shit. The only hope I had to get into a school that Karly could afford was an athletic scholarship. If I couldn't get into one...

I would lose her. I couldn't lose her.

Tears started to well in her eyes as she looked at me. She shook her head. "You stupid man." She muttered. "We'll figure this out. We'll make it work, okay?"

I shook my head at her. She didn't understand. She was a little rich girl. I loved her for it, but it made her naïve about the world. People didn't care about you. People didn't do nice things out of the kindness of their hearts. People treated you good as long as you had something to give me. It was the only reason they were decent to each other. Once they had what they wanted from you, once they had used you up, you were worthless to them. Worthless things are normally discarded.

Making myself get up, I used my left-hand steady myself on the chair in front of me and pushed myself to my feet. My hand screamed in agony and I did everything in my power to will it away. I had made pain worse than this go away, I would make this pain go away too.

"Sit, sit, sit." Karly ordered me.

I shook my head. "No. I have to get ready."

"Sit." The authority in her voice was like chains grating. "I woke you up a weight class early so we could look at your hand. We've got time."

She reached out tenderly and started unwrapping my warm up. I noticed with dismay it was wet from the ice. That was going to look great... I was going to look like a slob out there, wearing a wet warm up...

Karly got down to the ice and pulled it off my hand. It was like someone took a branding iron to my skin it hurt so bad.

She tilted her head back and forth, inspecting my injury.

I looked at it with her. "See the redness has gone down. It will be fine."

The look in her eyes was pure murder. "You've had ice on it for a solid hour dipshit. Of course, the redness went down. Your hand is white as snow. The swelling hasn't gone down at all though."

Shaking my head at her, I muttered, "I can't. I have to keep going."

She set her jaw and I could tell I wasn't going to win this argument. "Todd's dad is a doctor. There's no harm in him looking at it. If he says it's just a stinger I'll turn my clingy girlfriend mode off and you can go beat your head against the wall, okay?"

It was the best compromise I was going to get, so I pulled my arm defensively back into myself and nodded.

Todd got back in a minute or two, babbling to his dad the entire time. Todd was one of the smaller kids, and a really nice guy. He was a little on the dorky side, the kind of kid that never really fit in, but he still had a good heart. He wasn't like me, he didn't let his status as an outsider get him down, and he never seemed to be anything but perky.

Todd's dad was a slight man, older, balding, but he seemed a genuinely jolly fellow. He always had a smile on his face, and he always seemed like he was ready to help out.

I felt bad having a doctor look at my hand. I knew his time was valuable, and I knew I couldn't pay him...

"Let's see there, buddy." He announced as he arrived.

I stood and walked over to him. I didn't want to show him. I didn't want this slight man to end my dreams...

Holding my hand out to him he hissed. "Oh, yeah. That's broken."

I felt like the air had been let out of the room.

"No. It can't be broken." I argued. "I can move my fingers!" I forced my hand to close. The pain was blinding.

"Stop that!" he ordered. "You're just grinding the bones on themselves."

He took my hand and held it gently. With his left hand, he patted me on the shoulder. "That's an old wives' tale. You can move with a broken bone. Most people just aren't tough enough, or stupid enough, to order their body to do it."

He looked into my eyes and I could tell he knew he was shattering my life. He shook his head at me. "It's going to be okay."

Karly's arms wrapped around me from the backside. "We'll figure it out."

Todd's dad, patted me on the shoulder. "Keep your arm elevated. It will make it hurt less. Let's go find your coach."

I felt the breakers in my mind kicking one by one. Unnecessary systems shutting off.

I looked at him and nodded dumbly. This was something I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think about this, so in my mind I just started shutting things off...

On the plus side, my hand didn't hurt so much anymore.

Chapter 8

We walked down onto the wrestling floor. Me, Karly, Dr. Benjamin, Joshua and Marsha. Karly had insisted that I bring her dad along as we went to talk to coach. In some part of my mind I knew it was because of how coach had acted earlier. How he had lashed out at me.

I really didn't want Dr. Benjamin or Joshua there. This was my last chance, I needed to talk coach into letting me wrestle...

I should have never let the doc look at my hand.

We met coach as he transitioned between matches and as soon as he saw me there was pure murder in his eyes...

See. As soon as someone has what they want from you, you become worthless to them. And worthless things get discarded. I told myself.

As much as coach claimed he looked out for me, it was just an act. He needed to keep me focused and winning matches for him. Everything he had said was a lie to keep me aimed at that purpose. As soon as he had what he needed from me, he turned on me. The same thing had happened with my head football coach. He was supportive, and helpful and seemed like he looked out for me. As soon as my senior's year football program ended, he started to treat me like something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe. My place was taken by the younger guys, and that was that.

I had asked him to put together a demo tape from team film after the season ended. He told me he would and never did it. I asked him to let me borrow the film so I could do it myself, and he told me that he couldn't get them to me because they were locked up in storage.

Coach was just like everyone else.

He turned his back on me.

The final breaker in my mind shut down.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take this kind of rejection from another person that I loved and respected.

Coach's face changed when he saw all the people around me. "What's wrong?" He asked, looking directly at me.

I looked at the floor and shook my head. I couldn't look in his eyes. I couldn't stand to see another person just flip that switch in their mind and watch me become dead to them.

Karly spoke up. "His hand is broken. He needs to go to the hospital."

Coach's voice was sharp. "What? The trainer said he just had a stinger."

Something broke in me. This was my last chance. I needed to wrestle. I needed to prove myself to the colleges out there. I needed that scholarship. I needed Karly.

"I'll be fine coach. Tell them I'll be fine. I can wrestle. I beat the last guy with one hand."

I couldn't look up. Tears burned from my eyes. I didn't want coach to see me cry. I couldn't show him how weak I was.

Coach's arms wrapped around me, like a big bear taking their cub into its arms. "Shhh... it's okay kiddo. Doc, you sure it's broken?"

I was still wrapped up in coach's bear hug, so I couldn't see Dr. Benjamin, "I'd need an X-ray to be sure, but I'm pretty certain its broken. He can't wrestle though. If he does he could end up crippling himself. He needs to go to the hospital."