Folie à Deux

"It was a mistake," I said. "I know."

Her face fell. "Please don't say that. Please."

"What?"

"Take that back."

"I don't—"

"Last night was everything I've ever hoped for. It was so many things I've wanted and never thought I'd have. It was amazing, and it was perfect, and you were... you were... " Her eyes shimmered. "I wasn't ready to say those things out loud. I wasn't ready to own those things. I'm still not ready. I didn't think I would ever say those things, or do those things, and I panicked when I woke up.

"I was afraid, and I was upset, and I freaked out. I'm sorry I attacked you. And kicked you."

I nodded, staring down in bitter frustration, and practically fell down onto the couch.

"When I woke up this morning," she said, pausing to sniffle, "for just a moment, I was so happy that I wasn't alone."

I laughed morbidly, and Natalie cried.

"Please don't go. Not yet."

"Well apparently I can't or you'll call the cops on me!"

"I'm not going to call the cops on you, you idiot."

I pressed the blades of my palms into my eyes and screamed. Blake screamed back at me in hysterical joy. "I don't know what you want from me!"

"Last night should have been the scariest moment of my life. I said and did things that would peel the paint off a shed." The urge was there, as she deftly employed one of Grandma's favorite sayings, but I couldn't bring myself to smile. "It's scary to be vulnerable. It's scary to open up. You were right. Last night should have had me balled up in a corner, crying my eyes out, but I didn't. Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you were so amazing." She wiped at her eyes and hefted Blake. As his way of saying thank you, Blake tried to grab her hair, but Natalie's was too short for him to do much damage. "And I don't mean that it was good, which it was, and jesus can I stop talking now? I mean..."

She sighed and shifted my son from one side to the other. "Last night was like the craziest trust fall of all time, and you caught me. That means something."

"Yeah, but..." I swallowed to buy myself some time. "The only reason we got there was because we were both admitting how all our decisions are rooted in our parents, and our parents are awful."

"You're not awful," she said softly.

"I didn't—" I groaned and rubbed at my temple. "You're not awful either. I promise. I just, I mean... what are we doing?"

Natalie licked her lips and looked at me. It was the first time our eyes had met in hours. "I'm not Mom, an-and I don't want to be Mom. Y-you're not Dad, and I don't think you want to be Dad."

"No," I said. "I don't."

"But what I want is what I want. I'm not wrong to want what I want. I want someone who... who-who checks off boxes. Just like I said last night. Even if I started that list by looking at Dad, or basing it on Dad or whatever, that doesn't make the list wrong. I've added my own things. I'm not a drone."

"But you and me? Nat, we're—"

"I don't care," she said. "I don't. I want what I want. I'm tired of being alone. I'm not too picky for wanting what I want, Jay, I'm not!" She turned Blake, holding him against her shoulder while he surveyed the room behind her, with one hand supporting him while the other stroked his back gently. Blake babbled in contentment.

"I'm afraid to ask what it is you want."

"You don't have to be afraid, Jay. It's you. And I think it was always you. I think I've been fighting that for so long that I..." She leaned into Blake, and he did the same, resting his head in the crook of her neck. "I don't even know anymore."

I stared down at my feet.

For a long time.

"Please say something. Even if it's no, just... just say something. Please."

"Okay," I said softly. "Look, I-I really do have to go for a little bit, but... how about Blake stays here with you?"

Natalie sobbed, convulsing, and covered her mouth. Blake seemed to like the way he bounced as she did, and he voiced his approval.

"And I'll be back in a little bit?"

"Okay," she said, voice shaking.

"This all happened so fast. My head has been spinning for hours, and it's not just the beer or the... the..." I pointed to the back of my head as words failed me.

"I know," she said. "I know. Me too."

"I won't need to be gone long. The insurance guy is gonna meet me, and then I've gotta go down to the bank."

"Okay," she said with a sniffle.

"And then maybe tonight? After Blake goes down we could talk? About..." I didn't know how to finish that sentence.

"Yeah," she said, nodding emphatically and hugging Blake tightly. "Okay."

"Okay," I said, rising to my feet. Natalie took a hesitant step forward, and I hugged her and my son both. Blake wiggled around until he could slap at my cheek. My sister cleared her throat, but her voice was soft and quiet when she continued. "I'm scared you're going to walk out that door and feel different when you get back."

"Me too," I said, just as softly. "I really don't want to go."

"Then don't."

I kissed the top of her head and said, "I have to," as I turned.

"Let Felicia deal with it."

I blinked.

"Weren't you telling Dad that she wanted the house anyway?"

"Yeah," I said slowly.

"Let her have it."

"What?"

"I think it's a sign," she said, voice finally steadying. "You being here. Now. After the storm. After last night. Coming to stay. I think it's a sign."

Yeah, but—"

"You hate that house."

I did. I'd only kept it to spite Felicia, but I didn't know how Natalie knew that.

"Please," she said, taking another step toward me. "Don't go. Not right now. You'll be off dealing with an awful mess, and you'll be thinking about all the things I said this morning, and you'll be in your own head about it. I know you.

"Don't go."

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, Blake had fallen asleep on her shoulder. His tiny hands gripped at her shirt. Natalie licked her lips nervously as I pulled out my phone.

"Hey... Felicia?"

//Thank you for reading! Votes and comments are dearly appreciated!