For the Love of My Brother

His other hand still gripped my hair and he pulled me towards him once more.

"Suck my dick." He ordered, pushing my face against his swollen length. I swallowed thickly, looking at the large, imposing member that was in front of me. I had never imagined it like this. I can't. I can't do this.

I kept my mouth closed tightly, and squeezed my eyes shut. There was still blood and spit running down my face. My body ached, my ribs were screaming. I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Suck it." He ordered again, reefing on my hair. I groaned, but kept my mouth closed. I couldn't.

Chad looked down at me, and I looked up at him. His brown eyes stared into mine, and we glared at each other. With his free hand, Chad reached down and clamped my nose shut. I could feel my eyes widen in shock and horror, though I shouldn't have been so surprised.

I gasped, and Chad pushed himself into my waiting mouth. He released my nose and held the back of my head with both hands.

I gagged as his cock pushed past my lips. I could taste him on my tongue. Chad controlled the movements to start. He bucked his hips slowly, working his length in and out of my mouth, forcing his entire pole down my throat. I couldn't tell how big he was, and I kept my eyes shut, so I couldn't see. I'd never sucked a dick before, so I had no point of reference. All I knew was that I couldn't stop gagging. Not that Chad cared.

"This is how it's going to work for the rest of the week." Chad began, his fingers curling into my hair. "I'm in control. You'll do as I say."

I groaned around his cock, my hands moved to his thighs and I tried to push him away. He was so much stronger than me, it hardly did anything at all.

"Don't try to pretend that you don't like it. I've seen the way you look at me. I bet you were fantasizing about this. I bet you've been wanting to suck my cock for years, haven't you, faggot?"

He released my hair and I fell off his cock. I gasped, trying to claim my breath.

"Answer me, queer. Honestly."

I looked up at him. He was right, I couldn't deny it.

"Yes." I whimpered.

Chad smirked. He'd won.

"Suck my cock."

There was no point trying to stop it now. It was happening. There was no escape. And I couldn't deny Chad. I couldn't deny myself.

I moved closer to his erect prick and slowly, hesitantly, wrapped my lips around the head. My hands rested against his thighs, and I tried to memorize the way they felt. Muscular, strong, warm.

My tongue swirled around the tip of his dick. It tasted like... skin. Just like normal skin, maybe a little sweatier. Saltier. I bobbed further down on him, trying to take as much length as I could. I went too fast and quickly let his cock fall from my mouth.

"What, is this the first time you've sucked a cock?" Chad asked contemptuously, looking down at my gagging, panting form. I hesitated, not knowing the right way to answer.

"Shit, it is, isn't it? Fuck, you're even bad at being gay." He chuckled. He gripped my hair again and brought me back to his dick. He forced himself into my mouth, pushing into me until I could feel his pubic hair tickling my nose.

"Uhh, yeah, that's it. Fuck." He breathed, pumping his hips. Reluctantly, I could feel myself getting hard. How could I avoid it? I was sucking my dream guy's cock. From within me there came this need to please him, I wanted to make him happy. If I proved myself now...

I moaned softly around his dick, working my head up and down his length without his guidance. Chad let his hands fall from my hair, and I took a little control. I jerked his cock with my hand, and let my tongue work around the tip. I traced the underside of his cock, before coming off of him completely.

I continued pumping his dick, and my mouth moved to his balls. I took the right one in my mouth, and sucked on it. I moaned again, tasting the hairless outer skin of his sack.

"Mm, that's it. Show me how much of a fag you are." Chad groaned. He chuckled quietly. "I bet this is turning you on, isn't it? I bet your cock is rock hard." It was.

"Chad," I breathed, letting his balls drop from my mouth. "Chad, I love you."

With this, my brother laughed loudly. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"I know. Keep sucking me off." I looked searchingly up into his eyes, but he gave me nothing. Just stared expectantly down at me. I moved, resigned, to suck his dick once more.

Do a good job. Please him. Show him how much you love him.

"This is the only good thing about you, Dylan. You'll be a slut for me if no girls are around - you're so fucking pathetic."

His insults only made me work harder. It only made me more eager to take his whole cock down my throat. I sucked him, locking my lips around his member and working as quickly as I could. My own dick was demanding attention. God, I needed to jack myself.

Not unless he lets you.

I needed to obey. I needed to.

"Oh fuck, yes, yes, yes." Chad groaned, thrusting between my lips.

"Jack yourself off." My brother ordered. I had never been so grateful for a command in my entire life. I pulled my cock out of my pants in an instant, and began jerking my length feverishly. At this rate, I would probably finish before he did.

He fucked my face without abandon. It was merciless. My body was still throbbing, the pain of the assault wasn't yet over. I didn't care. I wanted to make him feel good. I wanted to make him love me.

I moaned around his cock, as my orgasm overtook me. My body quivered, my load shot onto the grass between Chad's legs. A few ropes leaked down onto my hand. Chad didn't slow his assault. He kept fucking my mouth throughout my entire orgasm. I didn't mind so much, but I was breathless. I could see black spots in my vision. Whether it was from pain or pleasure, I wasn't quite sure. But Chad wasn't letting up.

If he doesn't finish soon, I'm going to blackout.

Thankfully, luckily, Chad's breath became laboured. His thrusts were short, fast and violent. He was getting close.

"Fuck, I'm going to cum!" Chad growled. I was getting lightheaded.

Finally, I felt his hot load shoot across my tongue. The tip of his cock was just past my teeth when the first rope came from his dick. I was tasting his cum. I was tasting my brother's cum. I felt giddy as the rest of his load coated the inside of my mouth. And when his limp cock finally fell from between my lips, I swallowed his load.

I fell to my hands, looking down at the grass. Chad pulled up his pants and underwear quickly. He didn't need to tell me to keep this between us, he knew I would.

He didn't say anything at all before walking away, back towards the cabin. I felt like I was going to throw up.

My brother had just forced me to suck his dick...

Had he really forced me?

It was hard to say. We both got something out of it. I got to touch him, got to be intimate with him. He got a release.

I sunk onto the grass. I could feel tears prickling at my eyes, and normally I would've tried to force them away. But I let myself cry.

I wish Chad wanted this for the same reason I did. But he never would.

***

I woke up late the next morning. I didn't sleep well.

I rolled over and looked at my brother. He was reading. His back was resting against the headboard; he had propped his legs up and was resting his book on top of it. I wondered how he was feeling, if he was feeling anything unusual at all.

"Hey Chad, whatcha reading?" I asked lazily, trying to appear nonchalant. Chad glanced over at me.

"It's uh The Hunchback of Notre Dame, by Victor Hugo. Unabridged. Bad decision. There's literally 25 pages about what Paris looks like from above." He shook his head and smiled. He was being... friendly. My heart pattered. He was never like this. Maybe yesterday had meant something to him.

"So I guess next time you'll go with the abridged version?" I asked, sitting up. He chuckled.

"Next time I'll stick to books written in the twenty-first century." He folded the corner of the page over and set the book down on the floor.

We sat in a comfortable silence, looking at each other. I wanted to ask him about yesterday. I was worried though. But he was being nice. He was never nice to me. Maybe... I'm not sure what I'm hoping for.

"Chad, can I ask you something?" I asked, watching him. He rose from the bed and started going through his dresser, tossing clothes onto the bed.

"Yeah, shoot." He responded.

"Yesterday... did you... well, I mean, why did you...uh... why did you want me to... you know?" I was eighteen and was too anxious to say "blow job". That's seriously pathetic.

Chad turned to look at me, his eyebrows raised.

"Why do you think?"

I hadn't really thought about it.

I mean, I had thought about it a lot. But not his motives.

But, why do people have sex? Why do people do intimate things? I'd always been told it was because you love someone. Did Chad love me, somewhere, deep, deep down? Maybe. Probably not.

"I don't know." I breathed. Chad looked at me for a few seconds. He was contemplating something. Finally, he came and sat beside me on the bed.

"It feels good." He said, his warm brown eyes staring into mine.

My heart rate doubled. It felt good. I made him feel good. I could feel myself grinning like an idiot, and before I could even think about what I was saying, before I could even stop myself, I blurted out:

"Do you love me?"

As soon as the words escaped my lips I knew how ridiculous I sounded. I had a cut on my face, and too many bruises on my body to count. Quantitative proof that my brother did not love me.

Chad laughed. I began caving in on myself, my shoulders sunk, I looked down at the ground, my cheeks burned bright red.

"Let me make this perfectly clear, Dylan. I don't love you. I could never love you." His hand took my chin and he forced my face up to look at his. His hand was surprisingly tender, his voice was soft.

"I don't even love you as a brother." I could feel tears prickling at my eyes, but I didn't let them spill over. I deserve this. I shouldn't have been so stupid.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"You're pathetic. You're weak. Physically, emotionally. You're not a man. You're a queer. You're hardly even tolerable." I shuddered, looking down while he held my face. He was right. I'm the exact opposite of him in nearly every way. I'm weak, submissive, gay.

Chad leaned closer to me, his thumbs tenderly stroked my cheeks.

"But here's how things are going to work. For the rest of the week, you're going to do as I say. And maybe, just maybe, by the end of this vacation I might care about you. Just a little."

"Really?" I asked eagerly, looking into his eyes once more.

"We'll see." Chad released my face and stood. He pulled on his shirt and then he pulled on his shorts. I watched greedily, trying to memorize his body. His beautiful body, that could never be mine.

"Mom and Dad rented a power boat for the day. We're going to the lake pretty quickly here," Chad began, looking at me. "You're going to stay home. I don't want to be around you."

I nodded and remained on the bed.

"Chad, do you want me to put sunscreen on you before you leave?" I offered. Chad looked at me for a few seconds. He reached out and smacked me hard across the face. I yelped in both surprise and pain, before bringing my hands up to my cheek.

"Cut that shit out." He mumbled, before leaving. I didn't follow him.

***

Chad left with our parents, so I had the cabin to myself. But I didn't want to stay. I needed to think, and I couldn't think locked up in the cabin. I needed to be with nature.

I laced my hiking boots, grabbed my bag and headed outside. I brought a few water bottles with me and some food. I didn't bother grabbing a map or a compass. I'd basically lived in these woods for seventeen summers. I had them practically memorized. I'd be alright on my own.

I breathed in the calming scent of the woods. The smell of trees, of fresh summer air, and the dirt. Walking into the woods felt like coming home. I could hear animals skittering in the trees and on the forest floor.

It was wonderful being out here. It was safe. Nothing could hurt me here. In here, I was safe from the world. I was hidden away from bullies, from my parents, from Chad. It was just the trees and I. And I would be okay.

My body hurt. Yesterday's assault had left me weak, physically. This morning had me emotionally drained. I can't believe I acted the way I did this morning. I don't know what it is about Chad. He just has this power over me.

I shouldn't love him. Forget the fact that he's a man. Forget the fact that he's my brother.

He hits me.

He hits me.

And yet, I always came crawling back. He beat me, and what did I do? I sucked his cock. He cut open my face and in return I sucked his dick. Talk about masochistic.

God. I need to stop this. I wish I could just turn my heart off for the next four days. I wish I could just not care about Chad.

I don't know why he hits me. Well, I mean, I know why he hits me now. But I don't know why he started, all those years ago. Maybe it was just a brotherly thing. And then it just got out of hand. That's probably all that it was.

That's all this is. Emotions that got out of hand.

He hates me. I love him. Combine the two, and everything makes sense. He doesn't care about me, so he doesn't care if he hurts me. He doesn't care if it hurts me to be intimate with him. Because he enjoys it. I sort of enjoy it too, so I don't really have any right to say that what he's doing is wrong.

Let's be honest here. I wanted to suck his dick. I'd been fantasizing about it for months, years. So I wanted it to be different. I wanted him to be gentle and tell me that he loved me and tell me that I was a good boy, a good brother. But he didn't do that. Who's fault is that? It's no ones, really.

I want something that he won't give me. Maybe he can't give it to me.

But do I keep doing it?

The grass compressed beneath my feet, then promptly sprung back up. The wind gently shook the trees, and the leaves circled in the air, dancing to a silent melody. There were birds, chirping to one another. The warm sun shone through the canopy, the forest was light with July sun. The temperature was perfect. I wasn't even sweating by the time I reached our meadow.

I dropped my pack and sunk to my knees.

Our meadow.

It was like an oasis in a desert.

The trees broke away and outlined a small, grassy field. There were small white flowers that grew on the forest floor. They had a light perfume, not overpowering, not distinct. A small stream, like the one in our backyard ran through it. It was glorious.

"Chad, we shouldn't be here. Mom and Dad told us not to go in the woods without them."

"Sh, it's okay, Dylan."

Chad's grip on my hand tightened. I looked up at him, his brown eyes searched the forest looking for a sign. Looking for something familiar.

"Don't get mad." He whispered.

"Chad..."

"I think we're lost." He breathed. I looked around the forest. The trees were so tall. Everything was so big, so unfamiliar. It was scary. I didn't want to be lost. I wish we had stayed in the backyard.

What if we never found our way out? What if no one ever found us?

"Hey, look!" Chad released my hand and ran into the clearing. He quickly dropped to his knees in front of the stream.

"It's just like the one in our backyard. Maybe it leads to it!" He exclaimed, dipping his small fingers in the water.

I began sobbing.

"Whoa, hey, Dylan what's wrong?" Chad asked, staring at me.

"I'm scared!" I shouted. Chad frowned and ran up to me, pulling my body against his.

"Why are you scared Dylan?" He asked, rubbing my back.

"Because we'll be lost in here forever and no one will ever find us and we'll be eaten by a bear and Dad's going to kill us-"

"Hey, hey, hey." Chad said, taking my face in his hands, and making me look up at him. "None of that is going to happen. You know why?"

"Why?" Chad's thumbs traced my cheeks and he wiped away my tears.

"Because I'm your big brother, and I won't let anything bad happen to you. That's why. Now stop crying. Come sit on my lap, and I'll tell you a story." Chad said, pulling me down.

I nestled into his lap, burying my head into his shoulder. His arms held me tightly, his hands rubbed my back.

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful woman, and a handsome prince..."

Our parents had found us a few hours later. I didn't tell our father whose idea it was to go into the woods. And he didn't ask.

That was the last summer Chad and I had spent as brothers. He was eleven, and I was six. I went to his school the following September.

I relaxed into the grass, laying my face next to the small, white flowers.

What would it have been like, if my brother and I had continued to be that way? Maybe it would have been better. But then again, those were days in our childhood. Back when my brother loved me, he would've given me anything I wanted. Which might not have been good. Even back then, even at six, I knew I was in love with him.

As we grew, as I grew, my love for him would've grown. And so would his love for me. Maybe it was better this way. Him hating me.

This way, we'd never be forced apart. No one except Chad would ever know how I felt about him. If I was allowed to show it, if he was in love with me too, I couldn't have kept it hidden.

I groaned, rolling onto my side. There's no point in this speculations.

Chad doesn't love me. He isn't gay. Things are never going to go back to the way they were. I need to focus on the present.

Chad wants me to pleasure him. I want to pleasure him. But... can I live with myself? Will it destroy me?

I've never done anything with anybody. I've never even kissed anyone. Will it destroy me to give parts of myself to Chad, when I know that he'll never, ever love me back?

But what if I said no to him, and then never fell in love with someone else? What if I said no, and never had this opportunity again? I'd just have to spend the rest of my life wondering what could've happened.

You're forgetting one thing.

You don't have a choice.

You'll never say no to him.

And he'll never let you refuse.

***

"How was the power boat?" I asked, sitting down self-consciously on my bed. Chad was lying on his stomach, but he turned his head to face me.

"It was awesome. Dad let me drive it for a bit. I'm sore as Hell though. Got a nasty burn." He said.

I noticed it when he got back, but didn't want to point it out. It was just on his back, he must've applied sunscreen everywhere else. I didn't know what to say though, I was worried he'd get mad at me again. I wasn't really sure what set him off earlier, so I didn't know what to avoid. But his back was red, like tomato red.

"Did you want me to put some aloe on it?" I asked cautiously.

"You just want to touch me, don't you?" Chad asked. That was definitely part of it. Chad climbed up so he was sitting on his bottom. He dropped his legs over the edge of the bed.

"I want to make you feel better." I said softly. I was worried that he'd get up and do something. He didn't look angry, but that didn't really mean anything.

"Come over here." He said. His voice wasn't loud, it wasn't aggressive. But it was dominant. I couldn't say no.

I climbed out of bed and began walking towards him.

"Crawl." He said, eyeing me. I obeyed, sinking down onto my knees. I crawled on my hands and knees until I was right in front of him. He spread his legs wider, so I inched between them.

"At least you're being obedient." He said, more to himself then to me.

"You know what I want, fag. And I know what you want. Suck my dick."