- NonHuman
- Foreign Skies
- Page 7
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"This is the way it was meant to be, my queen. This world was meant to bow at our feet. We are gods among the petty, weak, and lowly demons that crawl out of the shadows." He hissed through his fangs as his arms hold me gently. His fingers slip up into my hair as my head lifts and my lips kiss his gently.
"Yes, my king." I whispered as his glowing red eyes stared into mine. My head lays on his shoulder once more before I slip away.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 10 years agoToo many tense changes; too much "flesh", "some" and other words used excessively. In the sex scenes, "loin", (while sometimes euphemistically used for the lower body area containing the genitals, as in "fruit of his loins" meaning children) is NOT a word that is a synonym for "penis". Also, the word "womb" means "uterus" and not vagina. The vagina has lips, the womb does not. And in the act of intercourse, the penis never enters the womb - it is far, far away from the vaginal entrance and is tightly closed except during labor and delivery. The opening into the womb, also known as the cervix, is extremely small, and could scarcely admit a pencil, let alone a penis. Consequently, the penis never, ever enters the womb. Only the sperm can do that, by swimming in through the tiny opening in the cervix. The baby grows to term in the womb. That is why the parents can continue to have sex during pregnancy without harming the baby: the penis never goes into the womb.
Anonymousabout 10 years agoInteresting concepts and plot, but you really need an editor. You change from past to present tense constantly, often in the same sentence; seriously overuse words such as "some", "flesh" and "body"; use "wonder" and "wondering" instead of "wander" and "wandering", misuse the term "loin", and numerous other distracting errors which a decent editor could fix quite easily. I also question whether she would have been so quick to burn her journals, which must have taken her quite a long time to write. Also, use of terms like "celerity", "majesty" "awe", and so on, obviously referring to her vampire powers, are slightly annoying when no explanation at all is offered. Get an editor to help you clean it up and keep on writing. That is how one improves.
Rawmaster50about 10 years agoYou have worked the fantasy and vampyric themes into some new shapes. I do not know if I like this yet but it is a story told with a great potential. Please continue.
