I Need You, but You Needed Me More

Obviously though, much had changed in the dynamics of their lives. Both women sat as they were listening to the scratch of leaves blown along the streets by a steady whoosh of wind that blew in from the Pacific. The cool air felt wonderful. Almost as if at a distance, car doors were heard opening and shutting as more guests arrived. They could hear the bustle in the kitchen as staff struggled to provide the catered meal that was arranged for afterwards. Every chirp of a cricket, every note of the whistled tune of the birds, every fresh gust of wind provided a new relaxing sensation that crowded their world in that moment. It was the complete polar opposite of the oppressive sadness that had been haranguing them inside.

"Nearly nine months now." Hope said suddenly, breaking the reverie.

"What?" Jessica asked.

"Nearly nine months. You were asking how long? Nearly nine months now."

"Congratulations, Hope. I am sure you will make a wonderful mother. You certainly are a beautiful one."

"Awwwwww. Thank you!" Hope said smiling broadly. "I certainly don't feel beautiful."

"You are beautiful. I don't think you've ever been more beautiful."

"Thanks." Hope said blushing. "You look good too, by the way."

"Thanks." Jessica said looking down at the fingers that had been unconsciously stroking Hope's leg. A long period of silence broke out between them.

"Will you massage my feet, they're killing me." Hope asked suddenly.

"Sure." Jessica said with a giggle. She removed Hope's sandals and began kneading the soft flesh of Hope's feet. Each new motion brought out gasps and moans from Hope as the tension was released, the blood allowed to flow normally again.

"My God, Jess. Are you sure you went into the right business field?" Hope giggled as she enjoyed the experience.

"I wonder that myself, sometimes. Though masseuse, I think, is not a job title that would fit me. Still, I wonder." Jessica said, her voice lowering to a near- whisper. "I wonder about a lot of things."

"I know." Hope said softly as she watched the tears begin to drop down Jessica's cheeks.

"I- I just. I want to start everything over. I didn't mean for everything to turn out the way it did. How could I have been so mean and cruel? How could I have been so selfish to question the love that I saw in front of me every single day? It was there! Right in front of me! I questioned it!" Jessica began to spurt out, her voice increasingly wracked with painful sobs and the pain evident. The tone broke Hope's heart as she watched Jessica bury her face in her hands. "All I ever wanted was love, and to be loved and cared for. A love that would last a lifetime. How could I not see that I had what I was looking for all along?"

Hope felt cornered with a need to say something soothing as Jessica dropped her hands and looked at her with eyes full of a despair that she hoped she would never have to experience. Jessica watched her with tear-stained cheeks, with an expectant look. She was seeking an answer to her problem, to help heal her pain. She wished her mother were there at that moment. Theresa had always known the right thing to say to get rid of any pain. Her mother was dead, and she certainly did not have her mother's wisdom. She could only say what she felt deep inside as she looked into Jessica's sad brown eyes.

"Jessie, honey. You were confused, and you had a right to be. Not everyone accepts these things as readily as Sam and I did. You were straight before you figured out you were actually lesbian. That is not an easy thing to accept by anyone's measure. I don't think any one of our group has actually started out as a lesbian- knowingly, at least. For some, it took a while longer to figure out than others did. Finding out is one thing, accepting it is completely different. It's sort of like my manager Jennifer. She is lesbian, and knows she is a lesbian. She had the hots for me at one time. Yet to this day, she still vehemently denies she is lesbian and refuses to commit to a relationship. That girl has broken some hearts in that time."

"So I am basically going to go on breaking other people's hearts?" Jessica asked sadly.

"No. What I am saying is, when you are ready, you won't. At least not for that reason. Life is full of moments when you make people happier than they have ever been, or grind them into the dust to leave them with nothing." Hope sat up slightly to show very faint scars in the crook of her arm, a number of faded puncture marks that were unnoticeable if you hadn't been looking specifically for them. Jessica gasped as she realized what those marks were from.

"You see? Sam broke my heart once, and it drove me to the utter depths of despair. That was where my life was going. Without Mark and- others, I would have destroyed everything I had worked so hard for. Eventually, by some lucky chance, we made amends. I am so happy that chance came along. Unfortunately, I kind of know where you are right now."

"How could you? Sam isn't dead!" Jessica screamed before cupping a hand over her mouth in wide-eyed horror. "I am sorry-. "

"Don't be, Jess. You're right, Sam wasn't dead. For all I knew at the time, however, she may as well have been. After she broke my heart there was no contact between us for four years. For all I knew, she was dead and my heart would continue breaking for the rest of my life. Not the same as your situation, but close enough for me to have experienced the agony of that kind of loss."

"Hope, I miss her. I love her, I want her to come back to me. Why did it have to happen this way?" Jessica sobbed aloud, her face contorting with the pain her emotions were causing her.

"She made her own choices. She always did. Unfortunately, her last choice cost her everything, and we all lost a dear friend." Hope said, trying to be as calm as possible even with the tears rolling heavily down her cheeks as well.

"Hope?" Jessica asked.

"Yes?"

"Do you remember the first time you saw her? What was she like?"

Hope giggled suddenly, eliciting a surprised look from Jessica.

"Would it surprise you if I were to say the first time I met her was just after watching her hand Tommy Rivers his own ass on the playground?" Hope giggled again as she remembered the day she met the person she would have her life's longest-lasting friendship with. She cried no longer from the sadness, but from the joyful remembrance of all of the stunts her friend had pulled off over the years.

"Tommy Rivers?" Jessica stared at her dumbstruck, the tears rolling forgotten down her face.

"Uh-huh." Hope nodded laughingly.

"You mean Tommy 'the Flood' Rivers?" Jessica asked, her dumbstruck expression not leaving her face.

"Yep." Hope replied amused.

"You mean Tommy, 'mister football, basketball, soccer, I'm better than anyone else because I am a meat-headed jock' Rivers?" Jessica asked, still not believing what she heard.

"The same." Hope added with another round of laughter at Jessica's characterization.

"Wow. To think I wanted nothing more than a chance to date him in high school." Jessica said nearly to herself. Jessica looked at Hope with a bewildered expression on her face until both women suddenly busted out in laughter.

"He got beat by a girrrrl!" Hope started chanting, clapping her hands as she did so. She was followed soon by Jessica and more bouts of laughter.

"God, it feels so good to laugh again." Jessica said as they calmed down. "It seems all can do lately is to cry my eyes out. I'm surprised I can still pop a single tear anymore."

"If I knew her at all, I would say she would want you to stop bellyaching and get on with your life. She would probably say it that way too. She was never the delicate matter type."

"Oh God, no. When one of my friends came along on a double date, and her boyfriend went to the bathroom, she was whining about how he couldn't satisfy her sexually. You know what she told her?"

"No." Hope said and prepared herself to wince at what was certainly going to be a moment.

"She told my friend that if he can't satisfy her, then she should either get another boyfriend pronto, or go to a strip club where they accept "handling fees" under the table, and get a good lay in the private rooms. She said this in the middle of a restaurant!"

Jessica laughed and Hope joined in, laughing themselves to tears.

"Yep." Hope said as she stared at the roof of the awning. "That's my girl, all right."

"Hey, things are about to begin, are you two ready?" a voice came from around the corner, both girl turned to see Sam's head poking out from around it.

"Yes, love." Hope said quickly. "We will be in shortly."

With a nod, Sam's head disappeared back around the corner, and Hope huffed.

"Something wrong?" Jessica asked.

"Yeah, my legs are about to lose a very comfortable stool." Hope joked.

"Meanie!" Jessica shrieked and gave Hope a light smack on the leg.

"Well, will the young, vibrant, and obviously un-pregnant young lady help an old lady get up?" Hope asked.

"You're not old, and you're not ugly. Sam is very lucky to have you. You're a catch- kind of." Jessica teased.

"Bitch." Hope muttered while extending her middle finger to the sky.

"That's what I am good at, or so I hear." Jessica remarked sarcastically as she gently picked up Hope's legs and slid off of the bench. Hope held her arms outstretched so that Jessica could help her set up and Jessica could not help but snicker at how pathetic it looked.

"Shut up and help me, already!" Hope pouted sticking out her lower lip.

"Alright preggers." Jessica quipped. "So who is the daddy anyways?"

"Mark." Hope said as she felt Jessica gently start to lift her up then come to a full stop. Hope saw the wide-eyed disbelief in Jessica's eyes.

"I thought he was gay, did you two guys actually- you know?" Jessica asked before she could put the brakes on her mouth.

"No. We didn't have sex if that is what you're asking." Hope replied. "Now help me up, my arms feel like they're about to fall off."

"Oh! Sorry." Jessica said quickly as she realized she had Hope suspended midway between the pillows and full sitting up position. She lifted Hope the rest of the way as gently as she could before taking Hope's hands in her own and lifting her to her feet.

"I knew I was going to regret laying down." Hope muttered as she felt suddenly dizzy. Jessica noticed Hope was off balance and propped the blonde up against her side, wrapping an arm around Hope's waist for extra support.

"I feel so useless right now. I don't ever want to be pregnant again."

"Artificial pregnancy, then."

"Yeah."

"Why Mark?" Jessica asked, curious.

"Aren't we full of questions." Hope said with a grin as she took small ginger steps forward. Jessica followed at Hope's pace, keeping the blonde securely by the waist.

"I was just taken by surprise."

"He is the only guy out of all of the guys I know who I trust fully. We have known each other practically our whole lives. He has been ecstatic about the baby. On top of that, our baby will have two loving mommies and a daddy who will take care of her and protect her. Can I ask for any more than that for my child?"

"Sure. You can ask for a lot more. I guess what I am driving at is how you will explain the family dynamic?"

Hope pondered the question as they rounded the corner and gazed at the sign by the front door that had not been there when they came out.

"I guess we will have to figure it out when the time comes." Hope said in a blank tone as she stared at the sign.

Slowly, they made their way to the poster that sat on an ornate easel stand. On it was the picture of a beautiful young Latina. The writing on the poster was in a beautiful flowing script that read:

'We gather to celebrate the life of Katrina 'Kittie' Rose Gonzalez, October 3, 1990- November 1, 2016'

When they finally reached the poster, both women were fully engulfed in tears once more. Hope reached her hand out to touch the face on the poster through blurry, tear-filled eyes. She turned away suddenly, her heart no longer able to bear to look at the poster. She didn't need to. In Hope's mind, she could still make out the cute barely-there dimples, the goofy and mischievous grin, the long black hair. She could hear the sound of Kittie's girlish laughter in the back of her mind. She was crying openly now, hot and futile tears escaping to stain Jessica's dress even further. Jessica, on the other hand, could not take her eyes off of the poster. As loud and heart-wrenching as Hope's heavy sobs were, Jessica endured her pain in almost stoic, gut-wrenching silence. The only betrayal of her state of mind was the tears that glided slowly down her cheeks to fall onto Hope's honey-blonde hair. Her heart felt as if it had been removed from her body, leaving a vast gaping emptiness dead center in her chest. Cold chills swept through her body as she led Hope away from the dreadful sign and into the interior of the building. A small brass plate that she had not noticed tacked onto the door when she had first arrived read Stanton and Cosbury's Mortician Services. Everything began to really hit home as her mind finally began to fully process what she had been trying for two weeks to deny- Kittie was never coming back.

They walked slowly, Jessica still supporting a weakened Hope through the foyer and into the dim passages leading to the viewing room. As they entered, all heads in the room turned towards them. Jessica felt put on the spot as a mixture of glares and looks of sympathy found their way directly towards her. She led Hope slowly to the two seats Sam had kept open for them and helped lower a relieved Hope into the seat. When she was sure Hope was comfortable, she took her seat as well. The priest in attendance began the rites according to Kittie's faith. Jessica had never cared for church and almost never paid attention despite having been dragged there week on end by her mother. She tuned the religious part of the ceremony out completely as she had always done, content in her mind to think there was no God cruel enough to allow such a sweet woman as Kittie had been to die in such horrible, self-inflicted pain. That was evidence enough for her that no god existed at all. What god could be so unmerciful? As good and sweet a person as Kittie was, why would a god not stop her from making such a mistake? The Answer? The god that did not exist.

Jessica sat still, staring straight forward at the coffin that lay up front and center within the room. She could barely make out the delicate features of Kittie's beautiful face over the top of the case.

'Even in death,' Jessica mused sadly to herself,' she is still such a beautiful little flower.'

The rites were over, and one by one several people had gotten up and spoke about their experiences with Kittie. Some broke down, some wept but mustered the courage to say their piece, and others had stopped short of basically accusing Jessica of murder. Jessica had no idea that Hope had been holding her hand for comfort until when one of the most vitriolic of those speakers had finished their piece, she felt as though every bone in her hand were crushed in a vice-like grip. She removed her hand quickly to an apologetic look from Hope who she could tell was seething with rage on her behalf, and it was Hope's turn to speak.

Jessica watched as a weak and enraged Hope was led gently to the front of the room by Sam to a seat offered by the priest who was suddenly aware of the young woman's situation. Hope smiled at him kindly before turning to the crowd. She pulled a piece of paper out of a pocket in her blouse and opened it slowly. Everyone became concerned when Hope began to cry openly in front of everybody, but she shoved off all attempts to offer her comfort. This was something she had to do.

"I have known Katrina, known to me as Kittie, for nearly my whole life. I first met her when I noticed this young, fiery girl screaming almost nonsense at the top of her lungs, then landing a few punches to the nose of a boy who was twice her size and weight. "

Light laughter broke out among the crowd though accompanied by shedding tears.

"Even then, as a Kindergartner, it was obvious to me that this girl was a force to be reckoned with, so I tread lightly around her- even though I was in the second grade at the time."

More laughter broke out, even from Jessica who Hope noticed was trying to conceal the pain on her face behind her hand.

"Indeed, she was a force to be reckoned with. I highly doubt that there is a single person in this room who had not become a victim of one of her many practical jokes. Nor has there been a single person who hadn't been touched by her singular sweetness of heart, and amazed at her uncanny perception of our innermost thoughts and desires."

Hope paused as small smirks and knowing looks were exchanged around the room.

"I have in my hand a note that was sent along with my invitation to today. It is in Kittie's handwriting, if you could call it handwriting. It was inside an envelope asking me to read this upon the event of her death."

Hope paused, the room becoming suddenly still in anticipation of what would be the final words anyone would hear from Kittie again. Hope began to read aloud:

'Hello, everybody. I guess you are wondering why Hope is the one standing in front of you reading this letter. The answer is simple. Though I love Mami and Papi very much, I know they will not say everything exactly as I intend for it to be said. I trust Hope alone to be able to read this letter without letting pride or personal prejudices get in the way of my message.

'Mami and Papi, I love you very much. I have tried so hard to be the best daughter in the world for you to be proud of. I am so conflicted because I had to hurt someone no matter which choice I made. Also, I knew that with either choice, I was going to lose some piece of my happiness in life. There was no mistaking the choice I had to make either. I would go with my parents and never look back. I would grow up and possibly have a family of my own one day. However, I would end up being bitter knowing that I lost my chance at the woman who I have come to regard as my soul mate. Or, I would choose Jessica. I would give her anything and everything I possibly could to show her that I love her- to let her know she is a good woman. Yet I would end up disappointing you again by returning to the path that I had determined was my own.

cannot apologize for being in love with Jessica. Denying my love for her would be a denial of myself, my heart and my feelings. It would be a denial of a love I know is there even though it is difficult to tell sometimes. I make no apologies, I have no regrets. My only desire is that we all learn a little something in the end. Though I love mi familia, many of you have gone out of your way to make sure that Jessica did not feel like a part of us. Many of you, out of your hateful and prejudiced ways, had refused to help either Jessica or myself in a time when we desperately needed it. You would deny your family, your blood and the one she loves because you don't agree with their lifestyle? I never went out of my way to force my choice or life on anyone. On purpose, I kept any conversation on those aspects of myself as muted as possible. I didn't want that to get in the way, but you made it that way. You made it that way for me, like you did my big sister who killed herself as well. You denied me like you denied her. You deprived her of her life, and deprived me of the big sister I have always wanted. How much more suffering and death does it take for you to get the message that we were human beings too? How many more people will you drive to suicide because of your self-righteousness? I hate all of you who took part in this. I hate you forever. So you can stop crying your fake-ass tears and leave my funeral. I don't want any part of this ruined by your pathetic, hateful presence.