Inside and Out

"Well one thing is certain, I'm not going anywhere."

Maria smiled at him and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to kiss him. She held both his arms, went up onto tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

"I will be back as soon as I can. Look after yourself and Geordie."

"That's a good joke. It's Geordie who looks after me."

She got in the car and started the engine. Reluctantly she closed the door and moved off. With tears in her eyes as she drove away.

*****

"Now have I got this right? On Saturday, you drove up to Cambridge, to see the man who killed William? You are supposed to be putting all that behind you." Sally looked surprised.

Maria looked at her friend and struggled to find the words to explain.

"I am, Sally, that's why I went to see him. I had to find closure. For two years, I've been blaming him for everything. I wanted to tell him I didn't blame him anymore. I've forgiven him."

"Well, you know my thoughts on that man. He did you a big favour. Once you found out about Will, and you would have found out eventually, you would have divorced him. I've done that twice, and it's no party. They say the only people to profit from a divorce are the lawyers. It was certainly true for me. We shouldn't consider anyone's death a good thing, but in Will's case I'm sure we'll be forgiven."

"You really didn't like him did you?"

"I hated him! He made my skin crawl whenever he touched me. You thought the sun shone out of his backside, so I couldn't tell you. I had no proof, only what the other girls told me."

"Relax, Sally. I forgave you before I forgave him. Now do you want to hear about Saturday or not?"

The two women chatted as they had lunch. Maria told Sally all about the prison and the people she'd met. Sally said the prison sounded like a holiday camp. Soon the conversation got round to Paul.

"So what's this Paul like."

"He's a good man, and I guarantee he wouldn't make your skin crawl. He is hot."

"It sounds like you wanted to jump into bed with him."

"I've already done that."

Sally dropped her fork and sat with a shocked expression on her face. "You're joking, right? I mean you didn't jump him right there in the prison?"

"No, of course I didn't.—We slept together on the night before the trial."

"Wow! You are full of surprises today. Whatever happened to little Mrs Prim and Proper?"

"I was drunk."

"Ah, so he took advantage of you, and you said he was a good man?"

Maria blushed. "Erm, well I remember it the other way around. I all but dragged him into my room. Look, I was drunk and lonely, all right?"

"So what's he like?"

"Well, I can't say I remember a great deal. Like I said I was drunk."

"So what happens now? Are you going to put it all behind you and move on?" Sally watched as her friend fidgeted uncomfortably.

"What is it you're not telling me, Maria? Oh my God, you're sweet on him, aren't you? He's the man who killed your husband, for god's sake."

"And you're the one who said he did me a favour. Anyway, I'm going back to see him again."

The two women finished their lunch and went back to work. Maria found it difficult to concentrate. Her mind kept wandering back to Combevale, Paul and Geordie. Sally's reaction had given her something to think about. She was one of the more open-minded people, yet she considered a relationship ridiculous. Perhaps she should stop it now before she got in too deep. Paul would understand; she could write him a letter and explain.

Anger rose from deep inside her. No! She'd be damned if she'd call it off. Didn't she deserve a little pleasure? Why shouldn't she enjoy a little male company? Nobody said it was going anywhere. Why shouldn't they both have a little fun? Two years bringing up a family on her own had brought about a change in Maria. Now there was steel in her character. She'd developed a determination never knew she had. It was the reason she'd been given a managerial position. Maria got things done and had become self-reliant.

*****

It's difficult to avoid someone in prison, even an open one like Combevale. Paul did his best to avoid Geordie. Not that he didn't enjoy his company; it was just that Geordie would ask questions about Maria and he didn't have the answers. It was Sunday evening before Geordie pinned him down. He was reading in his room when there was a tap on the door and it opened.

"Studying again there, Prof?"

"That's right Geordie. I've got to keep up with latest developments."

"Maybe you do, but bricklayin' doesn't change much like."

Paul just smiled at him and returned to his book.

"Is that what you were up to yesterday then, keeping up with developments? That lass your missus then? I know you said she was a bonny lass like, but she's lovely man."

"No, Geordie, that wasn't Josie. She's a very different kettle of fish."

"I did nae think she could be like; I mean she did nae seem to know much about you for a start. If you're nae interested you can pass her on to me."

"She's not mine to pass around Geordie."

"You fooled me like. You two was like a pair of love birds. Now you tell me she's nae your lass. If she is nae, you're a bigger fool than I thought."

Paul sighed and put the book down realising he wouldn't get rid of Geordie.

"OK, Geordie you win. What do you want to know about?"

"Her, man, yer visitor. I mean I'm in love me. Not only is she gorgeous like, but she talked tae me like I was a real human being, not just a prisoner."

"What can I say? You're right; she is lovely and a good woman. One who deserved a better hand than the one she was dealt. I like her but that's as far as it can go."

"Why, man? You like her and I can see she's sweet on you. What's stopping you, man? You'll be oot of here in six months or so; why shouldn't you get together like?"

"She was married to the man I killed Geordie, that's the problem."

Geordie fell silent for a while not knowing how to deal with the new information. He wiped his hand across his brow.

"You don't believe in a simple life, do you Prof? Are you sure you can't make it work like?"

"She's got children, Geordie. How are they going to take her hooking up with the man who killed their dad? What about her in-laws? I killed their son."

"But it was an accident man. Surely they know that."

"An accident that I caused. How would you feel if it was your mum?"

"I'd like tae think I'd be glad she'd found someone who makes her happy."

"I'd like to do that, make her happy. I'd certainly be better than the arsehole she had. -She says she's coming back, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm sure once she's had time to think, she'll change her mind."

"I hope not, man. It's a joy for me just looking at her like."

"We'll see, Geordie lad. Now I've got to get my head around this theory."

Geordie got up to leave and put a big hand on Paul's shoulder.

"Take it easy Prof Man. Surround yourself with good people, and good things will happen."

" Philosophy from you, Geordie? I'm impressed. I don't suppose you know who said it."

"Of course I do, man. It were Brian Clough."

"I can't believe I'm taking advice from a football manager? So where am I going to find all these good people?"

"Well there's me, man, and there's her, that's a start."

Geordie left and Paul returned to his book. He managed a couple of pages before he realised that he hadn't taken in anything. He'd been trying to get Maria out of his head since he'd watched her drive away. His mind drifted back to the night in the Maidstone hotel. He could almost feel her presence, smell her perfume. Tears formed in his eyes as the memories came back. He tried to snap himself out of it. He decided to turn in but even lying in bed she was still with him. He thought about what Geordie had said. Could there really be a chance for him with Maria? After all he'd done to her, could she really be interested in him? As he lay in bed thinking, sleep slowly came over him.

*****

The week dragged by for Maria. She found herself thinking of Paul whenever she had a free moment. Sally didn't seem to understand at all. They often had lunch together and Sally would remind her. "This is the man who killed your Husband." It didn't seem to matter how many times Maria told her it was an accident.

On Saturday morning as she checked her makeup in the mirror she had butterflies in the stomach from the excitement. The warm feeling in her chest had been growing all week. Now her excitement had reached its peak. Her mother had agreed to look after the children for her. At seventeen and sixteen they were more than capable of looking after themselves, but she felt better knowing her mum was there.

The Dartford crossing marked half way for her and the excitement built again. The time on the motorway to Cambridge seemed like the longest hour of her life. She left the motorway and followed the instructions from the sat-nav. At 11:45am, she pulled into the drive of Combevale House. As soon as got out of the car a familiar voice welcomed her.

"Now then, bonnie lass; are you a sight for sore eyes?"

She turned and ran to the hulking figure of Geordie walking across the car park. She threw her arms around him and hugged him.

"Whoa, pet I've nae had a greetin' like that for many a year like. I've got a feelin' that it's meant for someone else though."

"Well maybe, Geordie, but it's good to see you too. Is he here?"

"No, pet, he's workin', but he'll be back by 12:30. I reckon we've got time for a coffee and a chat like."

They walked into the day room, with Maria holding on to Geordie's huge arm. Maria sat down at a table while Geordie fetched the coffees. No sooner had he sat down than she started asking questions.

"How is he Geordie?"

"He's fine, pet, just grand. He'll be a lot better for seein' you though."

They sat drinking coffee before Maria, somewhat hesitantly, asked about something that had troubled her most of the week.

"Geordie... I noticed Paul has a scar down one side of his head. He said he slipped in the shower. That's a euphemism isn't it? It means something else in prison?"

"Aye, it does that, pet. The showers are the only place inside that there are never any screws; that's prison officers to you. It's a place where scores get settled. No one will grass inside like, so when you get injured in a fight in the showers you tell the screws you slipped."

"And that's what happened to Paul, he got into a fight."

Geordie looked down at the floor then brought his hands up to his face. As he rubbed his hands over his face, Maria noticed him wiping his eyes.

"I let him down, pet, I'll never forgive ma sen for that."

Maria reached out and took hold of the big man's

"It wasn't your fault, Geordie; you weren't involved were you?"

"I shoulda been there, shoulda known it would happen like."

"I don't understand; how could you know he would get in a fight?"

"Nae so much a fight lass, more like a punishment beatin'. He never stood a chance, man.Three of the bastards set about him, I saw them coming out. Two broken ribs and concussion; he was two weeks in the hospital wing."

"I don't understand Geordie, this is England; we don't allow the officers to beat people as punishment."

"It was nae the screws, lass, they were other prisoners, Ray Embury's thugs. The governor and the screws think they run the prison, but in reality it's people like Big Ray Embury that run the place. Nothing gets in or out of the prison without they know about it. They are big time villains with plenty of money and influence. They bribe the screws and intimidate the prisoners."

"So what did Paul do to deserve such a punishment?"

"You don't have to do much, pet. The Prof just said no and Big Ray doesn't like that."

"I can't believe all this Geordie. You're telling me that a man gets beaten to a pulp for not doing as he was told?"

"OK, I'll explain. It was just after his mam died. They let him go to the funeral handcuffed to a screw like; as if the Prof would to try to escape. He was upset; not thinking straight. When Big Ray sent one of his heavies down inviting the Prof to visit, he went. Ray's firm were planning a job on a warehouse. The place where they gather up all the old bank notes and send them to be burned. They had a problem with the CCTV and someone told Embury that the Prof used to teach electronics at the university. So he asks if it's possible to jam the system. "Of course," says the Prof. So Embury asks him to design a jammer for him. The Prof tells him he's got better things to do with his time.-If he'd been in his right mind he'd have told him he couldn't do it."

"So for that they beat him half to death."

"Aye, pet. I'm sorry like, I never thought Embury would cross the line, break the rules like, but he did."

"I don't understand, you just said there were no rules for Embury. He could more or less do as he pleased."

"Aye well there's prison rules, they don't apply to Embury, and there are prisoners' rules, they apply to everyone. That's things like what you can do to what type of people. If they're old or funny in the head you're supposed to leave 'em alone. If they're child molesters you can do what you like and nobody sees a thing. Anyway, the Prof kept to himself like, but he also held unofficial classes in writing and maths. He helped a lot of blokes and got a lot of respect. Prisoners' rules said you don't touch the Prof. Embury broke the rules."

"What happened afterwards? Did he get away with it?"

"Nobody gets away with breaking prisoners rules. The Prof drifted in and out of consciousness for ten days. By the time he was back with us he had the company of three more prisoners, none of them will ever need a vasectomy."

"What about Embury?"

"He fell from the landing outside his cell. Broke one leg in three places, smashed his elbow and broke his pelvis. Had to be sent out to a proper hospital."

Tears were running down Maria's cheeks taking with them much of the carefully applied eyeliner. At the same time, she was having doubts about Geordie; was he a violent man after all?

"Did you do all that because they hurt Paul."

"Me? It was nae me pet. I wanted to help like. I'd not been that angry in years, but the other lads said no. "You've not got long to go," they said. So I kept out of it. When Embury had a go at flyin' like, I was visitin' the Prof in the hospital wing. After that the governor decided the prison would be a safer place if he moved us. I was due for an open prison like, so he transferred both of us here."

Paul had spent the week hoping to see Maria again yet it still came as a surprise to find her sitting in the day room with black lines running down her cheeks. He was even more surprised when she jumped up and ran to meet him. She threw her arms around him pushing her head against his chest.

"I'm so, so sorry," she sobbed.

He hugged her to his chest and waited for her crying to stop. It took several minutes before she got herself back in control.

"Is there a ladies room here?"

Paul led her out to the toilets and went back to talk to Geordie.

"You want to tell me what that was all about?"

"I've no idea man. She just asked me aboot you slippin' in the shower like."

"And you told her? Geordie, Geordie, what am I going to do with you? You don't talk to people like her about life inside. They don't understand."

"I'm sorry, Prof man. She asked like. I mean she already guessed it was more than just slipping over, man."

It was twenty minutes before Maria returned. Apart from a little redness in her eyes she looked normal. Paul stood up to greet her, and she smiled at him.

"I came to take you to lunch; if we hurry we can still make it."

Paul looked at Geordie.

"Ho way, man. Go, go get some decent food and make the lady happy."

With Paul acting as navigator, they drove back to Cambridge and found a nice little pub close to the river. They talked as they ate and then Paul took her for a walk along The Backs, a road alongside the river which offered an excellent view of the major colleges.

Maria tried to talk about his life in prison, but every time Paul turned the conversation around. Instead, he told her about his early life. He talked about his childhood, and made it sound happy despite their meagre finances. As they talked, Maria could hear in his voice the affection he had for his mother. He told her how proud she'd been when he graduated from University. Maria asked about his father but Paul just side stepped the question. He went on to tell her how overjoyed his mother had been when, five years later, he'd got his first lecturing Job.

"You mean you were teaching at the University?" Maria asked with more than a hint of surprise.

"Yes, of course. Why do you think the boy's call me Prof?"

"When you said you worked at the university, I thought you worked in their labs. You said you were doing research."

"That's the way it is. You spend less than half your time on teaching. The rest is spent running research projects."

"And you were still better off driving a lorry than teaching, that doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe not, but it's a reality."

"William always said there was more money in selling a product than in making it."

"He was probably right, but the salesman doesn't get the buzz you get when you see something you made or designed, being used."

"Now you sound like my son, Alan. When his dad died he changed his 'A' level choices. He's doing English, Maths and Physics. He says he wants to be an engineer."

They stopped for a coffee at one of the city centre cafes. Paul reached across the table and took Maria's hand and squeezed it gently.

"I really enjoy being with you," he told her."

Maria squeezed his hand back but said nothing. How could she? She wasn't sure how she felt. She did know she didn't want it to end. It had been a long time since a man had made her feel this special. She tried to remember the night in Maidstone, but the more she tried the less certain she was of what was fact and what was fantasy.

Paul checked his watch.

"Maria, I'm really enjoying this, but I've got to get back to the prison for roll call."

They got up and walked, hand in hand, back to the car. In the prison car park Paul leaned across to kiss Maria's cheek. She turned and offered her lips. After several minutes of kissing, Paul asked the question that had been going through his head all the way back to Combevale.

"Will I see you again?"

"I've taken a room at the village pub so I can come over in the morning."

Paul's smile spread from ear to ear. "There is nothing I'd like better."

"That's settled then. I'll come by and pick you up at ten,"

She kissed him once more. He got out of the car and walked back into the prison building. Maria watched him every inch of the way. She chastised herself for enjoying the sight of his bum as he walked away.

"Nice buns," she said to herself. "Maria, what are you saying? You're nearly forty, not some love struck teenager." She started the car and put it into gear."Still," she thought, "they really are very nice buns." She eased up the clutch and set off for the pub.

*****

The following day took much the same form as the previous one. They went to lunch and talked about their past. Maria homed in on Paul's mother.

"It must have been awful being in prison when your mother died."

"It wasn't nice. She told me she had a heart condition, I just didn't know how bad. It turned out she had an aortic aneurism. At least when it burst the end was quick."

"It must have been awful going to the funeral under guard."

"Luck of the draw I'm afraid. I was in Gartree and that's maximum security. Their policy was one day under guard. I'm glad mum couldn't see me handcuffed to a screw."