Inside and Out

"I'm sorry darling, you should never have seen that."

"No, I'm glad I did; it helped me understand the way you were after the trial."

"Look, if this bloke didn't dump you, then I guess you dumped him. Can't you ring him up and apologise? If he's got any sense he'll take you back without question."

Maria put her arm around her son. "You are so good for me. I don't know how I would have managed these last two years without you and Andrea."

"So you'll call him?" said Alan.

"It's more complicated than that, but I'll think it over and maybe I'll call him or something."

*****

Angela hadn't expected a call from Maria and had to move her appointments to accommodate her. She wondered what had happened to make her in need of counselling again. It was ten days before she found a space for her. On that Friday morning, Maria turned up on time as usual, and Angela set about putting her at her ease. Once the pleasantries were out of the way she soon got down to business.

"So what brings you back Maria? I understood everything was going well."

"Well, yes it was, and I did go to see Paul, to tell him that I forgave him."

"Paul? That would be the man who killed your husband?"

"It was an accident."

"OK I accept that, but it is the same man, yes? The one you spent the night with, in Maidstone?"

Maria's face flushed as she nodded.

"So what is the problem?"

"I don't know how it happened, but I fell in love with him. God knows I hadn't intended to."

"We never do," Angela said.

"Perhaps not but we've got to know each other pretty well. I found out that he's had a shitty time, and... well, it's all my fault."

"You've lost me. How could any of his suffering be your fault? You can blame the justice system or the judge. You can blame him for not driving with as much care as he should, but I can't see how any of it is your fault."

"Well something that I haven't told anyone is I made the call. Will was talking to me when he died."

"Now you've really lost me, can you go back a bit?"

"Paul said there was no way to avoid Will's car. He couldn't understand why Will had stopped where he did when there was a lay-by just a quarter of a mile away. He stopped because I called him on his mobile. When I realised he was driving I insisted he stop or call me back. So it was my fault that he stopped where he did, and if he hadn't the accident would never have happened."

"So you caused the accident, is that what you are saying?"

"Well, in a way, yes, and because of that Paul has spent two and a half years in prison."

"So his driving had nothing to do with it?"

"Well, of course, if he'd been concentrating on his driving he'd have been able to stop."

"Now you just said that you told Will to stop or call you back. Whose decision was it to stop? You did say there was a lay-by further along the road. Why didn't he drive a little further and call you back?"

"Well, I don't know."

"And this Paul, didn't you say he pleaded guilty in court. So he has accepted responsibility."

"Yes, but it isn't all his fault?"

"Things are rarely one person's fault Maria, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. We can all find ways to change things after it has happened. The question is, did you know what might happen if Will stopped, did you even know where he was?"

"No."

"Yet somehow it's your fault. I have to say, Maria, I'm at a loss to see where you are coming from. Paul admits negligence, so he's at fault. Will should have found a safer place to stop so perhaps he is partly responsible, but all you did was make a phone call. Why do you feel responsible?"

"I don't know, it sounds so ridiculous when you say it like that. It's just that when Paul started to question why Will stopped where he did I realised that the reason was because of me and suddenly it all seemed to escalate."

"Are you sure you aren't just looking for a reason to end the relationship. Maybe you are trying to take the blame on yourself to justify not going back?"

The two women continued to talk and as they did so Maria's mind became clearer. She knew that Angela was uneasy about the relationship but she knew it was worth fighting for. That weekend was Andrea's birthday but the following weekend she would go back to Combevale and sort everything out.

*****

A light rain was falling as she pulled into the car park. There was no one walking out in the grounds and no sign of Geordie. Maria got out her umbrella and walked swiftly to the main house. She found him sitting in the day room, but this time there was no beaming smile. Instead, he looked down to the floor before getting up to greet her.

"How is he Geordie?"

Geordie looked down at the floor and shook his head. "You're too late pet he's gone."

"Gone? What do you mean he's gone? He can't be gone. He had no reason to abscond and they couldn't have any reason to send him to another prison."

Geordie put his huge hands on her shoulders.

"They brought his release date forward by a couple of months. He left us on Monday."

"Where has he gone Geordie? I've got to know, I must find him. Where is he?"

"I canna tell yer lass. It's no like moving house. You don't get a forwarding address."

"Geordie, I don't believe they just discharge prisoners without them having somewhere to go. Now I'm sure he wouldn't go anywhere without telling you where to find him,"

"Ay you're right, pet, but he told me to tell no one. I'm sorry like, but no one means no one. He's convinced that you've realised it wouldn't work, that's why you left in such a hurry."

"Is that what you think, Geordie?"

"It does nae matter what I think like, it's what you two think that counts. I think you're both actin' like a pair o' kids when you're both smart enough to work it out."

"Will you talk to him for me? Ask him to call me."

"I'll do ma best, pet, but I would nae hold ma breath like."

With tears in her eyes, Maria gave Geordie a hug and kissed his cheek. As she left, the tears started to flow. She sat in her car for ten minutes trying to control her emotions before she drove home.

*****

The weeks went by with no contact from Paul, and Maria resigned herself to the fact that it was over. She occupied her mind with work and ensuring that her children coped with exam results. When Alan scored top marks in his exams he had to choose between Oxford and Cambridge universities. He chose Cambridge and for Maria, taking him up to his halls of residence was a bittersweet experience. Everywhere in the city held memories for her. She kept expecting Paul to step out of every pub or walk over a bridge. The pride she felt for her son's achievements offset her sadness. When she left him, she felt doubly sad. Sad for the fact that her son was breaking away, and sad for the loss of what might have been with Paul.

Back home, she found herself dealing with an angry daughter who felt her mother was smothering her. What Maria saw as taking care of her, Andrea saw as interference.

"Oh for god's sake Mum, get a life of your own and let me live mine."

She noticed that her words had hurt her mother and tried to back track without success.

"Come on Mum, it's time you let go of things and started getting out more. Have you considered internet dating? I can help you set up a profile if you want."

"I don't want, thank you very much. If I want dates I'm sure I can get them without the help of the internet."

"Then why don't you? Your job's over with us now. You should be out enjoying yourself not sitting at home worrying about me."

Maria could see that her daughter really did worry about her, just as she worried about her daughter. Perhaps Andrea was right, she should try to get out more, accept some of the offers she'd had. However, every time she considered it she thought about Paul and realised that she still hadn't given up hope.

*****

It was the first weekend in December when she drove up to Cambridge to Pick up Alan. She was overjoyed to see him, and he was keen to show her around his new domain. He walked her through the City, then along The Backs. She hadn't the heart to tell him she'd seen it all several times before. They'd agreed to have lunch before setting off for home. Alan took her to a pub she'd visited with Paul. They found a table and Alan went to the bar to get a menu. As he turned away from the bar he met his tutor coming in.

"I expected you to be gone by now," said the tutor.

"Just been showing Mum the city. We're having lunch then going back to Kent." As they talked they got closer to the table. Alan looked down at his mother who seemed to be absorbed in the antics of a couple of students by the door.

"Mum, this is my tutor. Paul, meet my Mum."

The two looked at each other. Maria's hand came up to her mouth. She got up and ran to the toilet.

Alan stood there in shock. He looked at Paul's face and saw the same look of shocked recognition he'd seen on his mother's face.

"Am I missing something here? Do you two know each other? -No! I don't believe it. You're the bloke who dumped her aren't you?"

"I never dumped anyone. Alan you and I need to talk. Why don't we sit down?"

The pair sat down and Paul explained everything. He started with the accident. Alan didn't get all the gory details, just the fact that Maria came to forgive him and that they had fallen in love. He told him all about Maria walking out on him and coming to the conclusion it would never work. Alan was having a hard time taking it all in.

"Let me get this straight, you killed my dad, and then you made a move on my mother."

"No, it wasn't like that. I didn't know your mother then. Your father's death was an accident; one I'll regret the rest of my life, but an accident none the less."

Alan looked up and noticed Maria coming back. He got up from the table and looked down at Paul.

"I'm having a hard time getting my head around this. You and Mum need to talk to each other so I'm going to leave you to it. Tell mum I'll ring her in a few hours."

Maria saw Alan leaving and tried to stop him. Paul sprang up and caught her arm.

"Let him go, he'll be back. -You and I have some serious talking to do, and we can't do it here. I've got a flat five minutes from here. I can knock us up some lunch and we can talk about what we are going to do."

"Do we have anything worth discussing?"

"If someone had asked me that this morning I would have said no. That was before I saw you again and before I'd spoken to Alan, knowing he was your son."

"And now?"

"Well he knows who I am, and he didn't try to kill me, so maybe we do. Is your daughter as wise as him?"

"Oh no, she takes after her mum; she's much wiser."

They walked to Paul's flat, picking up a baguette from his local bakery on the way. When they arrived he got out a bottle of wine and poured them both a glass. Over lunch, Maria told him why she had left him at the prison.

"You imagined that making a single phone call made you responsible for everything? You are supposed to be the sensible one."

"I know it sounds silly but when you explained it all to me all I could think of was that if I hadn't made that call the accident would never have happened. When I looked at you all I could see was how much pain I'd caused you."

"You didn't cause anything. I lied in court because if I'd told them the whole truth the police would never have believed that I didn't plan it all. I had to tell you everything. If we were to have any chance there had to be no secrets. When you ran off I assumed you didn't believe me, and realised that we didn't have a future."

"Didn't Geordie tell you I came back?"

"Yes he did, but by that time I'd convinced myself that we had no future and that was easier to accept if I never saw you again."

Paul got up and cleared the table. As he picked up Maria's plate she threw her arms around his waist and pulled him close pressing her head to his stomach.

"God I've missed you. What about you?"

"Every minute of every day."

Maria pulled at Paul's belt

"Why don't you show me how much you've missed me."

"Only if you promise to be gentle with me," Paul laughed as he pulled her to her feet. He held her close and kissed her.

"Take me to bed. I don't care what anyone else says, I don't want to lose you again."

He took her hand and led her to the bedroom. They stood by the bed, and between kisses, undressed each other. Maria stood before him wearing only her bra and panties.

"Are you sure you want this?"

Maria took his hand and placed it on her breast.

"Shut up and kiss me."

Paul needed no further prompting. He kissed her and unhooked her bra, releasing her beautiful breasts. He brought his head down to kiss and suck on her nipples. As he did so, he eased her panties down over her bum.

Maria held his head to her breast and her own head fell back. She relished the feel of his mouth and tongue on her nipples. Her panties fell to the floor. Paul turned her and moved her back to the bed. He kissed his way up her legs. When he reached her pussy, Maria pushed his head down hard against her mound and she thrust up against him. By the time he entered her she was already on the verge of her climax, something for which Paul was very thankful. He'd not had sex for six months and wasn't sure how long he could last.

She wrapped her legs around him and matched him thrust for thrust. In seconds, the throbbing inside her turned to uncontrollable spasms. She grabbed hold of him, pulling him in tighter. Maria screamed out; her orgasm taking her over. Paul pumped his juices into her while a feeling of euphoria swept over him. They held each other and rolled onto their sides. Paul pushed her hair back from her face.

"Can we really make this work?" he asked.

"It works for us, that's all that matters. Others can like it or lump it."

"Even your family?"

"Alan and Andrea will understand. Mum and dad will be happy if I'm happy, and I am."

"You think the children will be OK then?"

"I think so. Alan likes you. How did you get to be his tutor by the way?"

"Pure chance; he was allocated to me."

"But how did you get to be working at the university? You have a criminal record."

"The university treated it as a driving offence. I was working for one of their companies while I was in prison. I had two research papers published while I was in Combevale. To be honest, they seemed keen."

"Well Alan won't be a problem, and he'll help with Andrea."

Before Paul could say another word they heard Maria's phone ringing. She leapt out of the bed and ran naked to get her bag. Picking up the phone, she saw that the incoming call was from Alan asking where she was. She explained that they had gone to Paul's flat to talk, and she took the phone to Paul so he could give directions.

"I'm going to take a shower," she mouthed to him as she passed him the phone. Paul took the phone and gave Alan directions to the flat before throwing some clothes on and going down to the street to welcome him.

Alan seemed awkward when he arrived.

"You and mum get things sorted out then?"

"Sort of. Come on up and we can talk about it."

Paul led the way up to his flat and Alan followed. Maria was still in the bathroom when they arrived.

"Where's Mum?"

"She went to the bathroom when I went down to meet you. She'll be out in a minute. How do you feel about all this Alan?"

"Hell, I don't know. I mean nobody ever tells you how to react when your mother shacks up with the bloke who killed your father. I mean, where do you find a manual for that?"

"Yeah pretty weird eh? If it's any consolation, neither of us meant for this to happen. You probably never noticed, but your mum is a very attractive woman."

"Not attractive enough for Dad though, he cheated on her."

"Oh you know about that."

"Yeah I saw the video he sent to the poor bastard whose wife he was shagging. That was my Dad all right. A win was never enough; he had to destroy the opposition. I bet poor bloke threw up when he saw that video. Don't get me wrong. I loved my Dad, and I miss him now he's gone. He was a great bloke to have on your side."

"Of course, he was your Dad. Not a day has gone by I haven't wished things had been different, that I'd been concentrating more on my driving."

"Yeah, well accidents happen, right?"

"Yes, I suppose so. Look, I never dreamed that your mum would be interested in a bloke like me. She loves me, but there are two people she will always love more than me. I desperately want to make her happy. You and Andrea can stop that happening. She says it's not true, but I know it is. I know I have no right to ask but I'm doing it anyway. Please just give us a chance. I know I can't replace your dad and I'm not going to try. What I can do is make your mum happy if you'll let me."

"Will you, darling? Will you give us that chance?" Maria asked as she came into the room.

Paul watched Alan deflate on hearing his mother's plea.

"Hell Mum, it's your life. Who am I to interfere? I can help, but you'll have to tell Andrea. I don't know how Gran and Granddad will take it though."

"Thank you, darling. Leave your Gran and Granddad to me. We both know that it wouldn't matter who I fell in love with, they would look on it as betraying your father's memory. They can be happy for me or not, it doesn't matter."

She walked over and gave Alan a hug before turning to face Paul.

"Now, I think you should come down to Kent and spend Christmas with us. It would give us a chance to make plans and for you to meet Andrea. Unless you have other plans?"

"As a matter of fact I have another invitation, but I'd much rather come to you."

They exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, and Maria and Alan prepared to leave. At the door, Paul kissed her and made her promise to call him when she got home. Alan offered his hand, and as he shook it Paul apologised for putting him in an embarrassing position.

Christmas was not the success Maria had hoped for. Paul had his doubts when he arrived and found that he would be sleeping in the guest room. Andrea proved not to be the push over Maria had predicted. She'd always been closer to her father and treated Paul as an interloper. Both she and Alan seemed to be dancing around him all the time. He soon realised that. while Alan tried hard to accept him for their mother's sake, Andrea found it hard to be anything more than civil.

Also as Maria had predicted her in-laws said it was too soon for her to be starting again. They didn't even know who Paul was but still resented Maria moving on. Maria ignored them, but it made Paul uncomfortable.

Her own parents were good people who accepted Paul, but he noticed Maria was vague about how they met.

By New Year, it was time for him to return to Cambridge. He sat in the kitchen drinking coffee when Maria took his hand.

"Come on drink up, it's time I drove you to the station."

"Can it wait a minute? I've got something I need to talk to you about."

"Oh, I don't like the sound of that."

"This isn't working and I don't think it ever will."

"Don't say that. It will take time, but we can make it work."

"No, we can't. I want you, all of you. I want to go to bed with you, wake up with you, and I want that every day, not just when the children aren't here. We spent more nights together when I was in prison than we did this holiday."

"I imagined we had something more than just sex."

"So did I, Maria; so did I. Now I'm not so sure. It was all so much easier in prison; we had no one else to worry about but ourselves. Out in the real world, I get the impression you are ashamed of me; of who I am."

"That's not true. OK, I was oversensitive where the children are concerned, but I've never been ashamed of you."