It Didn't Work Out Ch. 11

But how she felt about Don hadn't changed. And she wondered if it ever would. More than that, Bridget wasn't sure she wanted it to.

In the last session, her therapist had asked her about how her life would be different if her mother had accepted her experimentation with her high school friend. Would she still have ended up in a straight relationship? What would her expectations be for a partner? They were hard questions. She was still thinking about them. For the most part, Bridget couldn't help but see them through the prism of her time with Sian. As much damage as Don did with his obsession, Bridget was honest enough to see that the richness of her relationship with Sian did more. It was a richness that she hadn't felt with Don.

Bridget was still trying to figure out whether that was due to being a woman or it was just Sian. Whichever it was, she was beginning to realize it wasn't going to ever be like that with Don. She wasn't sure anymore whether or not she was willing to work hard enough to try to get back to what she used to have with him, even if he was going to try too. Bridget had her doubts about that anyhow, but she didn't want to use that as an excuse. What was becoming clearer to her was that she wasn't willing to settle for what she and Don had.

At the very end of their time, Susan asked Bridget a question to think about before the next session. "If you were to decide you were happiest as a lesbian, how would your family react?" She wouldn't let Bridget answer then because she really wanted Bridget to think about it.

As she lay there in the darkness, Bridget pondered that question. Her mother was sure to be upset and would probably disown her, but Bridget wasn't so sure about the rest of her family. Times had changed during the last 7 years. She was pretty sure her brother would be supportive, but she wasn't sure about her father. He had never gotten involved with what happened back in high school. She couldn't remember him even mentioning it, but that was typical with him. Bridget's mother made it clear that her word was the law with the kids. Deep down though, Bridget thought her father would be fine with anything as long as she was truly happy. She hoped he would, although she wasn't sure he would do much to stand up to her mother.

Slowly the fire of Bridget's anger at Don burnt out. Bridget restlessly turned over in bed and bunched the pillow under her neck and chest. But it was replaced with sadness. The more that she thought about things, the less it seemed like being with Don was what she wanted. They had been through so much over the last six months. So many of the things about him that had attracted her had been damaged or even destroyed. Mostly she couldn't forget his willingness to risk their love for his sexual fantasies. Despite her fear of what it might do to them, he hadn't listened.

Bridget rolled over again. She balled up her hands and rested her chin on them. Thinking back to when he first started to push her, did she wish that he had given in and stopped pressuring her? It would have meant never loving Sian. And she wouldn't have realized some of the things about herself that she was just now seeing. While things with Don back before had seemed good, it took the contrast with Sian to realize that it was possible to be much happier. No, she knew that she was glad that it happened.

She felt a few tears forming. It was hard to think about her life with Don ending. Although Bridget no longer thought that things could be fixed, she still cared for Don. She had shared her life with him for a long time. Walking away from that was scary, especially going to something that was very much unknown. And it was going to hurt him. When she thought about how she felt when Sian left her, Bridget hated the idea that she was thinking of putting him through the same thing. She had never hated Sian for it, but Bridget wondered whether or not Don would feel that way about her.

When the second big yawn came over her, Bridget realized that she was finally starting to fall asleep. She hadn't made any definite decisions but it felt better that she was at least getting the real questions out there. As she was drifting off, she thought to herself that perhaps tomorrow she should call in sick and really try to figure things out. It would give her some time without Don around. Maybe she could even see if Susan had an opening. Things were going fast and Bridget needed someone to help with a reality check. That thought relieved her mind a little more and she was soon asleep.

In the morning, Bridget woke up hearing Don moving around out in the kitchen. He normally got up a little earlier since he had a longer commute. She stayed in bed thinking about whether or not she was really ready to start taking steps to change her life. It seemed so intimidating. Getting up, she went to the guest bathroom. Talking with Don this morning was the last thing that she wanted to do. Taking a shower there would consume almost all the time before Don had to leave. Turning the water on to high, Bridget looked at herself in the mirror. The emotions of the night before were showing on her face. When the steam from the hot water obscured the mirror, Bridget turned and got into the shower.

As she slowly washed her body, Bridget thought again about what she wanted. Last night had been emotional; was this just a reaction to that? Or had it just been the tipping point to realization of what the right thing was. She kept turning that over in her mind. The more that she considered it, the more that she was sure it was just the push she needed. She wanted to find the right way to go but without hurting Don any more than he had been already. But she couldn't find that way. After having tasted what it was like to be happy, anything less wasn't enough. Even if she could get back to where she and Don were a year ago, it would seem like a pale imitation. She couldn't be satisfied with it, even if Don was.

Looking over at the clock, Bridget saw that it was late enough now that Don was probably gone. She let the water run over her body for another minute or two. She felt reluctant to get out, even if she was alone. It meant taking the next step. Finally she reached out and turned off the water. Standing there, she let the water drip off while she squeezed her hair to get out a little bit more. With a towel wrapped around her, Bridget walked through the bedroom. Cracking the door open, she looked around. The house was silent. After listening for a moment longer, she came out and went to the phone.

It was late enough that her boss should be on his way into work. Bridget dialed his cell number, hoping to catch him. It rang a couple of times and then he answered. She could tell that he had her on speaker from all the background noise.

"Hey Bridget, what's up?" Bill said.

"Sorry to call you like this. Bill, I need to take a sick day," Bridget replied.

"Are you not feeling well?"

"Well, kind of. You know the counselling I have been going to. Well, it's been helpful. To the point where I think I'm going to leave Don but I am going to try and see Susan to talk it over. Plus I need to make some arrangements," Bridget told him.

"Oh Bridget, I'm sorry to hear that. Don't worry about it, we don't need you today. Just deal with this and let me know if you need anything." He paused before he asked her, "Does Don know what you are thinking yet?"

"No, not until after I have had some time to talk and think it over a little more." Bridget sounded very sad. "I may need tomorrow too."

"I understand. Just deal with it and don't worry about the sick time. I'll approve it," Bill said. "You're a great worker and we will all support you."

"Thanks. I will call you if I am going to be in tomorrow," Bridget said. She heard Bill end the call. Putting down the phone, she went into the bedroom to get dressed. She wanted to be able to call Susan and be ready to go as soon as her office opened. It didn't take her too long to get ready. It turned out that Bridget was lucky. Susan had a cancellation first thing in the morning and Bridget grabbed her car keys as soon as she hung up the phone. She had just enough time to get over there.

An hour and a half later, Bridget was driving back towards her home. The session with Susan had flown by. As usual, Susan didn't give her any answers. No matter how much Bridget at times wished that it worked that way, she knew that Susan helping her figure out the answers for herself was much better. She admired the way that Susan could ask a question that would help Bridget see things in a different way that helped her move forward. At the end of the session, Bridget felt better about her belief that the time was right. When she got up to go, Susan came over and gave her a hug.

"I know that it won't always be easy. And Don probably won't understand," Susan told her. "These issues have been going on for a long time. It's just that what's gone on over the last months helped you to figure out what it will take for you to be happy. I will see you next week, but if you need to talk before then please call."

"Thanks, Susan. I will," Bridget didn't feel pleased but it was a relief.

Bridget headed home. She had already called her brother and asked Riley to take off a little early and come by the house. She didn't tell him what was going on but her calling out of the blue was unusual enough that he didn't even think twice before saying yes. Bridget hoped that he would be just as willing to let her stay with him for a little while. She wasn't sure what else she would do while she tried to find an apartment if he said no; maybe a hotel.

When she got home, Bridget spent the rest of the morning and the afternoon until Riley got there packing. She felt bad that she hadn't talked to Don yet and she wouldn't leave until after she did, but now that Bridget had made the decision she didn't want to delay. It wasn't possible to take everything of hers but she wanted enough to live with for a few weeks. She also took a few of her most precious things. Bridget didn't really think that Don would be angry enough to try and hurt her by destroying them, but if she was wrong she at least didn't want it to be the things that meant the most to her. In the end, it meant taking three suit cases and a couple of boxes. She piled them up in the bedroom and then tried to tidy up as best as possible. She wanted to talk to Don before he saw them. It wasn't going to go well no matter what, but at least she would have a chance to try and explain before he lost it.

When Riley got there, Bridget sat down with him and told him an abbreviated version of what had happened. She left out the other fantasies that led up to Sian but she was open about what had happened with Sian. Bridget took more than her fair share of the blame for what happened. Don didn't come off looking good but Bridget didn't want her brother hating him. Riley listened without saying much although when she started to cry he reached out and held her hands.

When she was done, Bridget looked at him. "I hope you aren't too disappointed in me, Riley."

"Sis, why would I be disappointed in you? You tried to make things work with Don, despite the fact that deep down you are gay. I'm surprised you made it this far," Riley told her.

"I don't know if I'm a lesbian, Riley. I'm still figuring that out," she said shaking her head.

Chuckling, Riley patted her on the hand. "Bridget, I figured it out a long time ago. But since you were going to try to live a straight life, it wasn't my place to say anything. If you had ever asked me, I would have told you to be yourself but you didn't ask."

"You know Mom isn't going to feel like that," Bridget said with a long sigh.

That stopped Riley's chuckle in midstream. "No, she won't but you don't have to worry about that right now. First you have to get through today and tomorrow, and I think it will be a little while before you have to face Mom on this issue." He looked at his watch. "When is Don going to be home?" he asked.

"He should be here in about an hour. I'll come over after we talk. I figure that will take a couple of hours. I'll see you then," Bridget said.

Riley frowned at her. "I don't think so. Just like you, I don't think Don is going to do anything rash but I'm not going to take the chance. I will wait here until he gets home. I will make myself scarce once you start to tell him, but I am not going to leave until you do." He saw her starting to object. "Bridget, I don't want to regret not staying. There isn't anything you can say to change my mind."

Bridget got a little smile on her face. She hadn't had her big brother try to protect her in a long time. She got up and gave him a hug. "Thanks, Riley," she told him.

Once she let go of him, Riley went to the bedroom and got her things and took them out to his car. It was an SUV with dark windows. It was highly unlikely that Don would see them. Even if he did, he would probably think they were Riley's.

The rest of the time waiting for Don was spent working on making plans. Bridget needed to figure out where to find an apartment. She needed to find a lawyer. She was hoping that Don would be reasonable and see that the best thing was to separate amicably. She really didn't want to waste a bunch of money on lawyers. Riley had some good suggestions on both fronts. Being a few years older, he had several friends who had gotten divorced. He promised to talk to the ones that had done it with the least fuss to see if she could get any pointers.

When Bridget heard Don's car door slam, she looked up startled. It was right about on time but all of a sudden she felt unready for it. Riley gave her an encouraging smile. They stayed seated and waited for Don to come in.

"Hey Riley," Don said as he entered the house. "I thought that was your car. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Hi Don. I didn't really expect it either," Riley said.

The smile that was on Don's face at seeing his brother-in-law faded away at the grim look on Riley's face. Don looked over at Bridget. For a moment she couldn't meet his eyes but when she looked up the pain on her face made Don's stomach lurch. "What is it?" he asked her.

The chair scraped as Riley got up. "Excuse me," he quietly said and went down the hall into the guest bedroom.

The silence was heavy in the room as Bridget waited to hear the door click shut behind Riley. "Don, could you sit down with me?" she asked him. He slowly moved forward and sank down onto the chair Riley had just vacated. His hand automatically reached out for hers but Bridget's hand remained in her lap.

"Don, there's just no easy way to say this. I've trying to think of one but there isn't. I'm moving out. Tonight. I can't do this anymore. It's over between us," Bridget told him. Despite all the crying over the last day, the tears started again. "I'm sorry, Don. I love and care for you but I don't want to be married to you."

Don slowly pulled his hand back. While a lot of emotions were running through him, it was confusion that he felt the most. "Honey, what? I mean, is it last night. I'm sorry about that. I'll never suggest something like that again. We can make things better!" His voice was full of panic.

"It isn't last night, Don. It isn't the way I've been feeling the last months. It isn't how empty the relationship has been over the last year. You wanted me to explore my lesbian fantasy and I did. Despite my warning you about what it could mean for us, I did. And what I really found out is that I think I'm a lesbian. I just tried to be straight to make my mother happy. But now that I know what it is like to accept myself, I can't seem to go back." Bridget wiped at her tears.

"Is it Sian? Have you been seeing her? I thought we said no secrets, Bridget!" Don was grasping at straws. He felt the first surges of anger.

Bridget tried not to let his groundless accusation get to her. "God, no Don! I told you when we broke it off that I wasn't going to talk with her or text her. I haven't seen her since then. Even when I got my stuff back from her place and gave back hers, I did it through a mutual friend. She didn't deserve to be hurt again by having to see me. I've been honest with you the whole way. This isn't about someone else.

"And it isn't about you, Don. Some of the things that have been wrong with our marriage are, but if that was all it was then I could work through them with you. It's about realizing who I am." Bridget couldn't help sob a little as she spoke.

"Couldn't we try marriage counselling? I'm willing. I don't want to give up on the good years we've had," Don pleaded. He could feel his temper flaring up and Don struggled with keeping control of it. It wouldn't help. He knew that but it didn't make it easy. His clenched hand came up and hit on the table. "Damn it Bridget, marriage is hard. I'm willing to work at it," he almost shouted.

"Don, I'm not," Bridget said. She knew he was on the edge and she might set off his temper. Looking at his fist, she could see him reflexively tightening it. "That's the problem, Sweetie. I've looked at myself enough to know that I'm not happy. The reason why is that I haven't ever been myself." She reached out and put her hand on his fist. "Don't be mad, Don. This isn't something that you did or that can be fixed." She could feel the tension in his hand. She squeezed it.

Don closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Is that why Riley is here? Because you thought I was going to lose my temper?" he said as he opened his eyes.

"No, he is here because I'm going to stay with him and I needed to talk. I told him about Sian and about coming to grips with who I am. He actually wasn't surprised about that. But he wouldn't leave. He trusts you just like I do, Don. But he is my big brother. He had to be sure." Bridget looked over her shoulder at the hallway to where Riley was. "He couldn't have lived with himself if he was wrong," she said quietly. After a moment she added, "I told him you would be fine and he should go. He just wouldn't." Just like Riley, Bridget had been almost completely sure about Don; almost but not 100%. She hoped Don would never guess that.

"I'm not going to blow up. And I am not going to hurt you either. I love you, Bridget. I have loved you almost since I met you! I don't want to lose you," Don said, shaking his head. "I can't accept it's over."

"Don, I do love you and I care for you. But it isn't enough. And it can't be. It turns out that it isn't about you pushing me to fall in love with someone. It isn't about the fantasies. And although I warned you not to do this because of those things, it turns out I didn't get it right either. I'm not leaving you for someone else. I'm leaving because I've figured out I'm a lesbian." Bridget looked at Don with sympathy in her eyes. "Sweetie, I don't want to be married to a man, even a man who I love. And if you think about it, you don't want to be married to a lesbian. You haven't been any happier than I have."

As Bridget was speaking, Don finally started to cry. He tried to stop them, rubbing furiously at his eyes. Finally he covered them up until he was back under control. He looked at Bridget and sighed. "So what happens now?" Don said. He sounded defeated.

"I've packed enough stuff to last a few weeks. Hopefully I'll find a place to live quickly. And then..." Bridget stumbled over the words. As much as she knew it was right, it was hard to say. "Riley has a couple of friends who went through amicable divorces. He is going to find out who their lawyers were. I hope we can find a way to do this where we can stay friends. And maybe not spend all our money fighting each other."

There was a hollow feeling inside Bridget as she finished. She felt a little of the black cloud come back. Their marriage had been the center of her life for years. Accepting the failure of that was depressing. From the look on Don's face, he was feeling something similar.