Karma Ain't Always a Bitch Ch. 06

Mark had seen Tanya enjoy their love making before, and had even inspired her to vocal fireworks, but he didn't think he had ever seen her this out of it afterward. As she settled against his chest he could feel the aftershocks rippling through her as she moaned quietly. Once he was sure that she was ok, he slipped out and cleaned her up before pulling her back into his arms and curling up behind her.

Tanya woke up a while later and felt Mark's rhythmic breathing as he wrapped around her protectively. She stayed that way for what seemed like hours, soaking in the way he felt and slipped out of bed.

Mark woke up and felt something out of place. Looking at the clock it was only 10, too early for him to be in bed, then remembered Tanya. Figuring she was in the bathroom he waited for her to come back, after a few minutes he got up to check on her. Not finding her in the bathroom he went into the kitchen thinking that she needed a drink after all of the verbal exercise she had gone through. Not finding her, he back tracked through the house and saw the envelope just as he noticed her car was gone.

He opened the envelope with shaking hands and a sinking feeling in his stomach. He heard her talking as he read.

"Hi baby,

There are so many things I want to say, but don't have the words. I want to be able to tell you what you mean to me and the way you make me feel. I want to be able to tell you how you make all the mundane things we do special and the special ones spectacular. I want to be able to tell you about the way I tremble when you touch me and the way your kisses make my heart fly.

Sweetheart, I saw tonight that you are all the man I could ever want or need. I also saw that I'm not strong enough to be the other half you need to allow you to soar.

I'm so sorry to tell you this way, but if I tried to do this in person I would probably take the easy way out. You are going to make an awesome husband and father for some lucky lady, but I'm afraid that's not in the cards for us.

I love you,

Tanya.

He re-read it three times, finally seeing the smudges. Feeling like a knife was in his chest, he recognized the places where her tears had fallen on the paper. Staring at the phone, he had to stop himself from calling her before he had time to think it through.

"Hi Maggie, is Amy around?"

"Good to hear your voice Mark. Stop by for supper some time, and yes she is, hang on."

Maggie walked down the hall to Amy's room and poked her head in. "Mark's on the phone and he sounds terrible."

Amy passed her mother in the hallway almost bowling her over as she hurried to the phone.

"Hey sweetheart," was all Amy said. She had a good idea what happened, but didn't want to make it worse.

"Hey beautiful," was all the response she got.

"Mark, what's wrong baby?"

"She's gone Amy. I need you."

"I'll be right there. Give me a few minutes," she said and hung up the phone, turning to see the concerned look on Maggie's face.

"Is he ok?" Maggie asked.

"No. Something with Tanya. I'm not sure what exactly, but no matter what it's not good." Amy said as she started stuffing things into an overnight bag. "If Tanya calls tell her I'm asleep and I'll call her back. I may or may not be back tonight."

Amy walked in and saw Mark sitting at the table with his head in his hands and stopped when he handed her the note. She tried to pull him into a hug twice as she read; he slipped from her grasp each time. As she finished reading she wrapped both arms around his head and pulled, pressing his head against her stomach and waited.

It only took a minute before she heard a muffled "why".

"Why did she leave that," he said pointing to the note. "Did I hurt her, make her mad, what?"

Taking a deep breath, Amy pulled him to his feet and into the den. Once she had him on the couch she started trying to figure out how to explain love to her naïve world-weary friend.

"Baby, Tanya loved you."

"I loved her too, Amy."

"No Mark, she was "in love" with you, not just loved you."

"If that's the case, why was she still dati...," Mark trailed off as he saw Amy's head shaking.

"She hasn't gone out with anyone since your birthday sweetie," Amy said softly and saw understanding bloom in his mind.

"But she said. Shit I was so stupid. I need to call her." Mark said trying to get up.

"Mark, listen to me for a second before you call, please." When she was sure she had his attention, she went on. "I want you to look inside and tell me if you could see spending the rest of your life with her. While you're in there, tell me if you are in love with her, or with what she represents to you. Is she "the" woman for you or does she represent security and what you think a home is supposed to be? And the last part; is she someone that you can show all your emotional scars too and let her hold you when the pain is too much to handle?" Amy sat back and waited as the questions trickled through him.

Mark heard Amy talking, and then replayed what she said, really listening to the words the second time. When he got to the last part, he knew Amy was right. There was no way he could ever let Tanya in, not that he could give a reason for it other than a feeling. It wasn't that he didn't trust her; he just didn't want to hurt her.

Amy sat watching as a sad look came to Mark's face. She hated this part of the "volunteer big sister" role most. Having to watch him struggle with dating issues that most kids his age had dealt with in middle school with their first loss of "love" was hard; having to watch him try to figure out that Tanya loved him but left because it was best for him, was ripping her heart out.

"How could I be this stupid Amy? I even told her about the way Vanessa and I had started going out." Mark looked at his hands. "If I had known she wasn't seeing anyone, I would have stopped seeing Vanessa. Nothing happened, but still."

"That's why she didn't sweetie. She didn't want to trap you in something that you would regret later. She was there when Vanessa melted down in the kitchen, and saw the sparks, remember?" Amy said as he looked up.

"What now?" Mark asked.

"Well, right now you remember the good parts and learn from the bad parts and start over in the morning. C'mon sweetheart," Amy said and held her hands out for Mark to take.

Once they re-made the bed, Amy slid in next to Mark, holding him just as she had four years earlier, running her fingers through his hair until she knew he was sleeping. She felt her tears flowing, not for Mark this time, but for Tanya.