by Italiangothic6219
I couldn't get through it-your sentences are monotones. This happened like this. This happened like this. This happened like this. Use more commas, vary the length and form of your sentences.
The idea behind the story was good, but your sentence structure really needs work.
I like the short, choppy sentence style. I think you just need more descriptions. Drag it out more. I a lot happened that night.
Really good idea, but, you need to develop the idea more. The transition also isn't very believable for a "shy" girl. She would need more convincing.