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All Comments on 'Kinky Halloween Party'

by Italiangothic6219

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  • 4 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousalmost 8 years ago
Keep Trying

Really good idea, but, you need to develop the idea more. The transition also isn't very believable for a "shy" girl. She would need more convincing.

joelafayettejoelafayettealmost 8 years ago
good plot idea, just needs more

I like the short, choppy sentence style. I think you just need more descriptions. Drag it out more. I a lot happened that night.

ReedRichardsReedRichardsalmost 8 years ago
Same thing for me:

The idea behind the story was good, but your sentence structure really needs work.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 8 years ago
Sentences

I couldn't get through it-your sentences are monotones. This happened like this. This happened like this. This happened like this. Use more commas, vary the length and form of your sentences.

Anonymous
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