Know Thyself Ch. 03

It's not like I meant any harm. I just didn't know. I didn't know our history.

It's what I tell myself to make me feel better. It is the truth.

Brian's party is tonight but I realize I don't know any information about it since it was Wendy that took all the info. Once again, I pull up Facebook. Sure enough, Facebook event, Brian's Graduation Party with a start time and address. God, what did people do before Facebook?

I decide I'm going to visit Ben's old apartment in Astoria. Maybe I can find something that will give me some evidence to prove I used to be a man. Getting to Astoria from Inwood is no easy task. Just going a couple miles in New York can take you forever. Only in this city do you have to go all the way south in order to go east. I take the A train down to 59th Street. I have to walk across the park to get to the N. I exit the station and start walking. Midday on a Friday is always an interesting time in the city, especially in the summer. A lot of jobs have summer hours and everyone starts to get out of work at this time. It is significantly later than when I woke up since it took me a while to get ready. Apparently I'm still not very good at this whole makeup thing.

I hear a car screech behind me and look back. Someone narrowly misses an accident. The two people yell at each other, but that's not what catches my attention. I notice a man walking behind me that was on my train. He was checking me out the whole ride (it's so easy to spot it, I can't believe I ever thought as Ben that no one knew I was looking). As I look back he looks away. He was staring at me.

I turn back around and keep walking. What do I do? He's very big, much bigger than me. He's at least six inches taller and about double my weight from the looks of it. If he wanted to say something to me, like ask me out or something, he had plenty of time on the train. Why would he be following me if he just wanted to ask me out? He must have something else planned.

I pick up my pace, trying to make it to the next station before anything can happen. I can hear his footsteps behind me and maybe it's my imagination but I swear I hear his pace pick up with mine. It would be so easy for him to come up behind and grab me. I can probably yell for help. There aren't that many people on the street but there are enough. But what if he threatens me or something? My heartbeat starts to pick up and I glance behind me, pretending I'm looking for a cab.

He looks away again. He's definitely following me.

What do I do? I start to breath heavier, faster. I'm genuinely scared now. Seeing the world from a couple inches closer to the ground really changes the way you look at things. Ben was tall, so now everything seems so much bigger to me. I feel so vulnerable on the street and I've never felt that way before. When I was Ben, there was always this belief in the back of my mind that if someone tried anything with me I could take them. As him, I always assumed if I ran into trouble it would be someone trying to rob me. Never a sexual assault. As a man, I just believed that I was strong enough to take anyone who tried to mess with me. As Ashley, I feel weak, almost naked. Having lived in this body for almost a week now, I've seen that the majority of people out there are bigger than me. If someone tried to mess with me, they would win. Even with my best efforts, there's not much I can do.

As I walk down the street I start to pass one of those horse drawn carriages. The driver is looking for a fare and he glances down at me. The smell of horses on this block is palpable. They shit all over the place and it looks like there's a pile of it not too far from this carriage.

I stop walking. I take out my phone and pretend I'm looking something up. The man on the horse looks at me. He's about to say something but thinks better of it. Maybe he was going to ask me if I wanted a ride.

As I pretend to look at my phone I stay aware of the man and our eyes meet as he walks by. He flashes a smile and continues walking. I watch him for a few moments, waiting to see if he breaks stride or looks back? He doesn't. Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe the man was checking me out but coincidentally had to go this way. Maybe I just saved myself from danger. I have no idea.

I glance up and see the man on the horse look at the man who walked by and then back at me. He nods and tips his hat, letting me know he understands what just happened. Maybe he doesn't fully understand but he knows I wanted that man to pass me by. I give him a half smile and keep walking.

I get to the end of the long block and descend the stairs into the station. I don't have to wait long until the next N train arrives.

Soon enough I find myself on my old block in Astoria. As I stand outside the building I feel a weird sense of deja vu. It's almost as if this building is from a different world. I suppose this is the first time these eyes have looked at this building. I can't get in just yet. The front door is locked and I no longer have keys. As I wait outside I look at the stairs. There seems to be the same nicks and marks as I remember. Everything seems to be the same.

The door opens and an old woman walks out. I recognize her but I don't know her name. We always used to exchange smiles when we would meet, acknowledging we live in the same building but keeping the appropriate distance for two people who didn't know each other. I instinctively give her a nod but she just gives me a strange look back. It's weird. I've spent the better part of this week training myself to be Ashley, to think like Ashley. Now that I'm standing in front of my old building I realize how much I stopped thinking about Ben's memories. All my old memories in this building are coming back.

I quickly make my way into the building before the door closes. I walk up the old wooden stairs to the third floor, the steps creaking and complaining with every step, and turn left as I've done hundreds of times in the past. There's my door, apartment 3C. As I approach I notice there's a mat outside. I never used to have a mat. I lift my knuckles to the door but hesitate. What exactly am I looking for? Do I think Ben is going to open the door? And if it's some stranger, what do I say? These are probably things I should've thought of long before I got here.

I knock on the door and wait. I can hear rustling inside the apartment. Soon the door opens and a man in his late thirties opens the door.

"Yeah?" His voice is gruff, a man of very few visitors I imagine.

"Hi." A long silence as I figure out what to say. "I just moved to the building and wanted to introduce myself. I'm Ashley." I hold my hand out.

He shakes my hand. "Nice to meet you."

There's an uncomfortable silence.

He picks up on it. "I'm Winston."

"Nice to meet you, Winston." I give him my biggest smile. "Have you been in the building long?"

"Four years."

That's the exact amount of time I was here. Maybe this is the guy who took the apartment when I wasn't around to take it?

"What apartment did you move into?" He looks at me from the bottom of his eyes as I'm quite a few inches shorter than him.

"Oh...uh...5A."

He gives me a suspicious look. "When did Ms. Yun move out?"

Who the hell is Ms. Yun? How is this guy more sociable with people in the building than I was?

"I, uh, don't know. Never met the woman who lived there before me."

I can see he takes that excuse as he nods. "Huh. Yeah. Well, welcome to the building."

There's another awkward silence and he takes that to mean the conversation is over and he closes the door. So I didn't exist and the apartment was filled by someone else. It's as if the word is exactly the same except without me. Did I really have that little effect on the world? There's no one to mourn me since I never existed. Why did I even come here? There's no such thing as Ben Telaney anymore. It's just Ashley Montgomery. I have to stop torturing myself like this.

The door opens again and Winston is standing there. "Hey, uh what did you say your name was again?"

"Ashley."

"Ashley. Nice name. Want to come in for a drink?"

Is this how it always happens? Can't I have an interaction with a man that doesn't result in this? "No thanks. I have to get going."

"You sure?" It's apparent that there aren't many lights on upstairs with this guy. Not sure how "no thanks" isn't enough of a rejection for him.

"Yeah, no thanks. Have a nice day." I smile as I make my way to the stairs.

Luckily he seems to take this as the final word and closes the door.

*************

I get back home and collapse on the couch. What a waste of a day. It's now three-thirty and the party starts at seven. Judging by how long it takes me to get ready I should probably start now. However, I just want to lay here and forget about everything. This party is going to be rough. A bunch of people I'm supposed to know but don't. It'll be like my (I mean Ben's) ten year reunion, except I (meaning Ashley) have only graduated a month and a half ago.

What if I don't go? It's not like I have to. Maybe I just sever ties with everyone Ashley ever knew and start fresh in college. It happens all the time. Most of the people Ben was friends with in high school did that. They all left and never came back. I never heard a word from them until MySpace was created.

God, the real Ashley probably doesn't even know what MySpace is!

I can't wait to really stun someone when this eighteen year old girl starts reminiscing about Friendster!

I hear someone walk into the room and I glance up. It's Jack.

"What's wrong with you?" It's almost a grunt, his voice gruff.

"Life."

"Yeah, get in line."

Is he drunk? I swear I can hear a faint slur in his voice.

"What's wrong with you," I ask.

"I got fired."

I lift my head up from my laying position. "No shit. What happened?"

"Mislabeled some prices again."

"What did you mislabel?" God, give me something! What are you talking about? Where did you work?!

He smiles. "You ready for this?"

I nod.

"Tampons." He shakes his head. "I mispriced a bunch of tampons. Fred said it's been happening too much. The store's losing too much money from my mistakes. That asshole's had it out for me forever."

"What did you misprice before?"

"Cans of soup, bags of rice, eggs, paper towels. Shit, who even knows?" He lifts my legs up and sits down on the couch, resting my legs across his lap. "He said this was the last straw."

"Are you drunk, Jack?"

He looks at me. "I lost my job today because I made tampons too damn cheap. Hell yeah I'm drinking."

I sit up, folding my legs in front of me. "What are you going to do?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know but you can't tell dad."

"Okay."

"I mean it. You can't tell him. He'll kick me out."

"Would he really do that?"

"You know him. He was embarrassed enough telling his friends I worked at a Key Foods. Imagine telling him I couldn't even hold onto that job? Because of tampons?!"

Poor guy. I wish I could tell him I know how it feels as I was just laid off of my job last week. "I'm sorry Jack," is all I can come up with to say.

"S'okay."

We both sit there, staring at the ground.

He looks up. "You still going to that party tonight?"

I shake my head.

"Why?"

I shrug.

"Have anything to do with you and Wendy butting heads?"

I look at him and turn my head to the side.

He half-smiles back. "Mom spilled the beans. Said it sounded pretty bad. What happened?"

I shrug and shake my head.

"That bad," he asks, sounding a little surprised.

"I've just been having a weird week."

"Yeah, you do seem a little off. You're not doing some shit, are you little sis?"

"What does that mean?"

"You know." He makes a gesture as if he's snorting coke.

"No!" My voice reaches a couple octaves higher than I've heard myself go. "It's not like that."

"Then what's it like?"

Well Jack, imagine tomorrow you woke up in the body of Wendy. It's like that.

I shake the thought away and glance back at him. He's still looking at me.

"Ah it's okay," he says. "You can tell me when you're ready. As long as you're not like, thinking of killing yourself or anything."

"No!"

"Good. Then you tell me when you want. But listen, you should go to that party."

"Why?"

"Because I know whatever it is between you and Wendy, you're not in the wrong. You've always been the good one. Too good. I know whatever it is, Wendy was being a bitch."

"No, really it's-

"S'okay sis. You don't need to tell me what it is. Just know, I believe you're in the right. I always believe that. Don't let anyone stop you from doing you."

I shake my head. "Okay."

"Hey!" He smacks my thigh with the back of his hand.

"Ow! What the hell?!" Damn, that really did hurt!

"I know you want to meet this Brian kid. Shit all you've been doing for months now is talking my ear off about him. Go do your thing!"

I look at him with my mouth hanging open.

"Oh come on. You know I've never been one of those 'don't touch my little sister' assholes. I'm not into that bullshit. You go do your thing little sis."

"I'm not going to go do my thing." I roll my eyes.

"I'm not saying I know what your thing is, I'm just saying go do it. Whatever it is. You're a Montgomery. We don't stay in and sulk."

At this moment I realize I love this guy. I wish I had a brother like this.

You do have a brother like this. He's your brother.

I lean over and hug him, pressing my head against his chest. "Thanks, Jack."

He wraps one arm around the back of me and squeezes me twice. "No problem."

I let go and look him in the eye. "You're a good brother."

He smiles back. "And you're a kick ass sis."

I get up and start walking to the hallway.

"Yo!" He calls to me and I look back. "Get me some phone numbers while you're there."

"Nope," I yell back as I make my way to my room.

He's right! Why would I stay home? I haven't been invited to a party in years. Ben's friends were all lame. No one ever invited me anywhere. I'd hear about things on Facebook and wonder why I didn't know about it. I'm going to this party!

I close the door and go to my closet. What am I going to wear? I've been in jean shorts all week, I think it's time for something new. What about a dress? I haven't worn one yet. If I'm truly going to embrace my new life, I need to get over my hesitation with clothes. This is going to be a big party from the sound of it, so I probably want to look nice. I see a blue dress in the back of the closet and pull it out. I strip down to my bra and panties. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'll probably want one of those thong panties. I haven't worn one since that first day. I slip a pair of those on and then slip into the blue dress and stand in front of the mirror.

It goes down right above my knees. It has a v-neck and no sleeves. The sides curve in to accentuate the curve of my body. It's a little tight but flares out around my legs.

As I stare at myself in the mirror I think, it's perfect!

I touch up my makeup, adding some color to my lips. Red lipstick is what you wear when you want to look good, right? I've noticed that I see colors a lot differently as Ashley. Ben wasn't color blind or anything but it seems like everything is more vibrant with my new eyes.

There's something else I haven't tried as a girl yet which I believe I'm ready for. Heels! I find a pair of black heels in the closet and try them on. Standing in front of the mirror I can see it added a couple inches. It is a little uncomfortable. I don't quite know how I'm going to walk in these.

How does anyone walk in these things?!

Inside the closet I also find a purse. Lately I've just been keeping things in my pocket but now I don't have any. I find a small one that matches the dress. I put some small gold earrings on and spray some perfume. I stand in the mirror and look at myself.

I'm beautiful.

I decide I need one last opinion. I go to find Jack. I find it difficult not to fall while in these heels but manage to get to the living room without incident. There he is, now with a fresh beer in hand. I stand in front of him, pop my hips to the side, and rest my hand on my hip.

"What do you think," I ask him.

He looks me up and down and then holds his beer up. "Boom!"

I'm going to take that to be a good thing.

*************

From what the Facebook event said, the party is at Brian's Uncle's house in Brooklyn. A brownstone in Park Slope that he has all to himself for the weekend. Who gives an eighteen year old boy an entire brownstone for a weekend? It's like you're asking for something wrong to happen. I spent the rest of the day hanging out in my room. I did go for a walk at one point just so I can get some practice walking in these heels. Now I'm on the train heading to Brooklyn. I have no idea what to expect. I figured I shouldn't show up right when it starts at 7:00pm, so it's about 8:00pm now. Fashionably late. Kids still do that, right?

I can tell I chose the right outfit. I'm getting a lot of looks on the train. I'm actually crossing my legs. I never used to do that as Ben. A lot of guys will say it's because it crushes their balls but that's not really true. I never did it because I had a gut and it made me uncomfortable. Now I have a flat stomach and I've found crossing my legs is actually quite comfortable. God, men are so stupid when it comes to certain things.

I'm going to ignore the fact that I just thought that.

We get to the station and I make my way above ground. It's now dark outside, which is weird because it was light when I left. One of those weird things about summer days. As I walk up to the brownstone I can already hear the party inside. It looks to be four floors. I wonder if the whole thing belongs to his uncle. Probably. If you have enough money to live in a brownstone in Park Slope, you have enough money to own the whole thing.

I ring the doorbell and wait outside. I look down the block and see a woman walking her dog look my way. I can tell she's annoyed by the party. I would be too. This is the kind of thing that would piss me off when I was Ben.

No one answers the door so I ring the bell again. I peek through the window on the side of the door but the glass is the kind that doesn't allow you to see through it. I finally decide to give up waiting and open the door. I know this is the place so what does it matter?

There are a lot of people here! I hope this isn't everyone that was in my graduating class! The event said this is a graduation party and I was expecting maybe twenty people. There seems to be closer to fifty. The whole bottom floor is packed with people. I walk into the foyer and to the left is a dining room, to my right a staircase, and straight ahead looks to be a kitchen. There's a crowd of people in all directions.

Standing on my left is a boy with a scraggly goatee who is dressed in a flannel shirt and slacks. He kind of reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo even though he's not dressed like him at all. Maybe it's the look on his face. He gives me a head nod and a smile. I smile back and keep moving. I want to find Wendy and hopefully Jen and Stacey. At least I kind of know them.

I make my way straight ahead into the rest of the house. There's a kitchen and to the right a living room. You could say it's the layout of my apartment but it doesn't resemble anything of the sort. The amount of space is amazing! Their living room is the size of my whole apartment! To my right, in the living room I see Jen and Stacey and standing with them, her back towards me, is Wendy. Jen starts to wave when she sees me and I make my way over. As I do, Wendy turns around to see who Jen is waving to. When she sees me she turns around again.