Know Thyself Ch. 03

"What's up girl," Jen says to me when I get there.

"Nothing. How's the party?" I try to sound as casual as possible even though Wendy is standing right next to me.

"It's cool," Jen says, a red Solo cup in hand.

"I can't believe his uncle lives here," I say, trying to start conversation.

Stacey nods and swallows her drink. "I know. They say he's in the movie industry. Like he's a producer in Hollywood or something like that."

"I thought all those people lived in LA," I say.

"Some of them live here," Stacey replies. "Some of them live in both places. Like half the year here and half the year out there."

"That's so cool," I say, trying to sound natural.

"Have you seen Brian yet?" Jen asks me with a big smile.

I smile back, playing along. "Not yet. Maybe I'll run into him soon."

Jen, Stacey, and I share a laugh. Wendy doesn't.

I look at Wendy. "How are you?"

She nods, not looking at me. "I'm cool."

She's still mad, I can tell.

No one says anything for a moment.

"What do they have to drink," I ask.

Stacey points over her shoulder. "There's a keg in the dining room. In the kitchen they have a bunch of liquor on the counter. It's kind of a free-for-all."

I nod. "I'll be right back. I'm getting a drink."

Jen and Stacey both nod as I walk away. Great, Wendy is still mad. I have no idea how I'm going to fix this. As I get to the kitchen I try to make my way through the entryway into the living room to get to the keg. There are so many people and I can't seem to squeeze my way through. I guess it's going to be liquor then. I scan the counter at all the liquor bottles. This kid must be rich with all the liquor he has. No one gives away this much liquor for free. It occurs to me that everyone here is probably under the age of twenty-one. Is there no one supervising this? Did Brian's uncle just say "here's my house and all my liquor, have fun"? That's crazy! There's no way this party is going to end well. At least I'm the most mature person here. A thirty year old should be able to handle himself/herself at a high school party (or ex-high school party since everyone has already graduated).

Then I see it. A bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter. Should I? If today is Friday, that means it was less than a week since I was Ben drinking out of a bottle of Jack at the Bethesda fountain. But then again, that was Ben. I'm Ashley now. I get a red Solo cup and pour myself some Jack Daniels. A boy next to me hands me a bottle of Pepsi. He's about six or seven inches taller than me and smiles down. I shake my head, refusing the mixer. He makes a face like he's impressed.

"She can handle her liquor," he says.

I take a drink, looking at him the whole time. He's about to say something but I walk away. It feels good to have the upper hand when it comes to boys. I can do whatever I want and they'll find it cute.

As I walk back to my friends I notice Shaggy from the front door is standing with them. When I get there he waves.

"Hi Ashley."

"Hi." I try to sound like I know him, even though I don't.

"I thought you might've been mad at me."

"Why would I be?"

"He says you walked right by him," Stacey chimes in. "When you got here."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Quick, come up with an excuse. "There's just so many people here. I was...frazzled, you know? I guess I didn't...um...recognize you."

"It's okay," he says, though I can tell it's not. He didn't buy that and no one else in the group did either. "What you got there?" He points to my cup.

I tip the cup over and show them. "Whisky."

"Straight up?" Jen makes a face and sticks her tongue out. "Yuk!"

"I didn't know you drink whisky," Stacey says to me.

"I uh..." God I sound like an idiot! "I don't. I figured I'd try it. This is always what people drink in the movies, right?"

I glance at Wendy and she's giving me a weird look.

Scooby-Doo boy is about to say something when Jen cuts him off. "Oh, there's Brian!" She points him out to me. He walks into the kitchen from the hallway and looks around. When he spots me he makes his way over.

"Hi girls!" Brian yells to be heard over the music.

"Hi Brian!" Jen and Stacey say it at the same time.

"Hey Brian." Wendy is a little more subdued.

He looks at me and smiles. "What's up, Ashley?"

I shrug. "Nothing. What's up with you?"

"Nothing. I'd ask to get you a drink but I see you already have one."

"Yeah," Stacey cuts in. "Apparently she's a whisky drinker now."

Brian looks impressed. "You too? We should go shot for shot later."

I'd drink you under the table little boy.

Scooby-Doo boy is looking a little lost. He finally holds his hand out to Brian. "Thanks for hosting the party, man. This is great."

"Yeah, no problem Matt." He shakes hands with him. "It's probably the last time we're all going to see each other, you know?" Even though Brian is speaking to Matt, he looks at me at the end of it.

So Scooby-Doo boy is named Matt. See, this is going to be a piece of cake.

"There's beer pong outside," Brian says to Matt. "You any good?"

"I'm okay," Matt says with a shrug.

"There's a backyard too?!" Jen actually sounds surprised.

"Yeah. You guys should check it out," Brian suggests.

Everyone starts heading for the glass doors that lead outside. I grab Wendy by the hand and stop her, letting everyone else go ahead.

"Can I talk to you for a second," I ask.

"You don't have to say anything."

"No, I do. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. You're right. It's not fair to you."

"Can we not talk about this here?" He gestures to the party around us. I guess she doesn't want anyone else to know.

"I just don't want you to be mad."

"Why'd you ignore Matt on the way in?" Her voice takes an accusatorial tone.

"I...I didn't notice him."

"He said you looked right at him and smiled, like you didn't know him."

That's because I don't. "I guess I didn't realize it was him."

She nods but still eyes me. "Listen, there's nothing to talk about." She turns around and goes in the direction our friends went.

I stay behind and stand in the living room. I take another drink and look around. Everyone looks so young. I don't remember people looking this young when I was eighteen. Maybe not everyone here is eighteen. Just because it's a graduation party doesn't mean everyone here just graduated.

Brian comes back, now on his own. Looks like he ditched everyone else outside. He sees me and makes a line straight for me.

"I'm glad you came," he says.

"Yeah, I'm glad you invited me."

"Of course I would." He puts his hand on my cheek. "You're the only person I was looking forward to seeing."

Oh God!

"Since you're a whisky drinker, want to have a shot?" He nods to the kitchen. I don't think this kid realizes who he's dealing with. I've always been able to beat most people when it comes to shot for shot.

"Sure," I say, a big smile on my face.

He leads me to the kitchen, his hand on the lower part of my back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's obviously into me. The attention is nice but other than that I'm not looking for anything.

He pours us a shot and hands one to me. "Here's to the rest of our lives."

"To the rest of our lives."

We both down the shot. I put my other cup to my mouth but then realize it's not a chaser, it's just more whisky. He smiles when he sees this and hands me one of the two-liter bottles of soda on the counter. I take a swig from the bottle and wipe my mouth.

"I like you. You're not like other girls," he says, staring into my eyes.

"What made you think I was?"

His smile gets bigger at that. "Want a tour of the place?"

"Sure." I'd love to see what it looks like. It's always been my dream to live in a brownstone in Brooklyn. Even though it's never going to happen, doesn't mean I can't see what it looks like.

I notice he takes the bottle of Jack with us. We make our way up the first flight of stairs. The second floor is just as packed as the first. He shows me the rooms on this floor, a TV room and study. He takes a drink from the bottle and holds it out to me. I take a drink and hand it back to him. We make our way up the next flight of stairs to the third floor. Finally less people, but still a good number. There are three bedrooms on this floor. He points out one of them as his but closes the door.

"That's nothing. You should see the master bedroom. It's the entire fourth floor."

"I can't believe there's a fourth floor." I say it with a chuckle. Suddenly I realize I'm starting to feel the Jack. That's weird. I've always been able to down much more than this before I start to feel anything. Just last week on my birthday I got through quite a bit of the bottle before I started to feel like this.

We make our way to the fourth floor and he's right, it is a sight. I walk into the massive bedroom and my mouth hanging open.

"Wow."

"I know, right?" He says it behind me and I hear him take another drink from the bottle.

I hear the door close behind me. I turn around and see him standing with his back to the door, a smile on his face. He walks closer, leaving the bottle of Jack on a dresser, and puts his arms on my shoulders.

"I'm glad you came," he says.

"Me too." I try to avoid his eyes.

"How come we never hung out during school?"

I have no idea. If Ashley was so into you, why didn't anything come of it? I wonder if she was shy.

"You never asked me out." I'm fishing here but there's got to be some truth to it.

"You never seemed like you were into me."

I knew it. I don't say anything though. I'm not sure what to do from here.

He lifts my chin so we're looking each other in the eyes. "Was I wrong?"

With his eyes on me I forget everything I was thinking. This does feel nice. He leans in and kisses me. His arms wrap around me and I realize just now how strong he really is. My hands on his chest as he holds me tight.

Our tongues meet and our lips continue to dance together. It subsides and we look each other in the eye.

"I knew you wanted it."

"What?"

"You spent four years playing hard to get but I knew you wanted it the whole time." He's smiling down at me in a weird way.

Now I realize I'm feeling this Jack Daniels much more than I anticipated. That's when I realize what it is. I'm much lighter than I used to be. Of course I could drink much more when I was Ben. Ben probably weighed twice as much as Ashley does. That shot and the cup of whisky is already starting to hit me.

"Well," I start but I don't know what to say.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know. I was going to say something but-"

His kiss cuts me off before I can finish. He kisses me hard and walks me over to the bed. I fall backwards and he lands on top of me. He kisses me as his hands start to caress my body. I've never been underneath someone so strong before. He lifts himself up and looks at me.

"Are you ready?"

"For what," I ask.

He starts to undo the buckle of his belt.

"Wait," I say.

He unbuttons his pants and starts to unzip them. I crawl out from underneath him.

"What are you doing?"

He looks at me, lost. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Why?"

"Because there's like a million people downstairs."

"I locked the door."

"You did?!" I look at the door, as if I can tell from here.

"Yeah. What did you think we were going to do up here?"

"I thought you were giving me a tour."

"Yeah. I was. And now I'm going to fuck you."

Who is this guy? It's like he's completely different from the person I've interacted with so far.

"Are you serious," he asks me, sounding shocked.

"Yes, I'm serious that we're not going to have sex." I try to sound as forceful as I can.

I'm now standing and he gets closer to me, so I take a step back. He flings his pants away from his ankles and takes his boxers off. His cock hangs out in the open, half hard. "Don't be a tease."

"I wasn't teasing. I never implied I wanted to have sex."

"Yes you did." He gets closer, within arms reach.

"Listen," I begin. "I'm not ready for this. Can we just take it slower?"

He nods his head. Finally it seems like I'm starting to get through. He puts his hand on the top of my head and starts to push me down. I pull away and take a couple steps back.

"What the fuck?!" I yell at him, trying to snap some sense into him.

"I knew you were a prude."

I suddenly feel something snap in me. I look at him and I now see everyone who has treated me like this since I became Ashley. I see Charles, the man on the subway who told me to smile, the man in Ben's old apartment. I get closer to Brian. He's so drunk he can't tell that the look on my face is anything but inviting. With all my force I knee him in the balls and he topples over like a sack of bricks. For a moment I almost feel his pain. It hasn't been that long since I've had a penis of my own. I walk out of the room and leave him lying on the floor in the fetal position. I can hear him groaning and calling me a bitch as I walk away.

I make my way downstairs, stumbling into the walls as I do. Some people see me and laugh as I walk by, putting their hands out to hold me up. I really can't drink like I used to. Ashley is just much too small for this. The Jack Daniels has hit me harder than I realized.

I finally get to the first floor and look around for my friends. They must be outside. I go to the backyard and see the beer pong games are still going. I walk around the table, looking for my friends but I can't find them. I'm alone, at a party full of people who seem to know me but I don't know them. Every now and then someone calls my name or waves or says hi. I pretend like I know them and keep walking, avoiding any type of conversation.

I make my way back into the house. I stop in the kitchen and grab another drink of Jack Daniels because why not. I go to the front door and peek outside but don't see them. It's much more quiet out here, so I take a seat on the steps. I start to sip my drink, thinking about what just happened. So even Brian turned out to be an asshole. Was there no one Ashley knew who was decent? Other than Wendy? The thought of Wendy hurts. She still hates me. I take another drink at that.

Suddenly I can feel someone's presence at the bottom of the steps and I look up. It's her. It's Wendy. She gives me a half smile and walks up, taking a seat next to me.

"Same cup as before or a new one," she asks.

"A new one."

"You should take it easy with that."

"I know what I'm doing." From the sound of my voice it's apparent I don't.

"Did you find Brian?"

I nod.

"And?"

"He's an asshole."

She looks at me with a look of concern. Apparently she wasn't expecting that. "What happened?"

"He tried to force himself on me. I told him no and then he called me a prude, so I kneed him in the balls."

"Oh my God."

"Yeah. I think he's still up there now holding his balls."

Wendy laughs. She doesn't look at me as she does but she doesn't try to hide it. Hearing her laugh feels good. It puts a smile on my face.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I feel like an asshole." I'm completely slurring my speech. It's clear I'm wasted. I look down into my cup and realize the whisky is already gone. I didn't realize I'd already finished the cup. "I'm just...things are really weird for me right now. Please believe me when I say I can't tell you why. I really can't. I don't even understand what's going on. That's the truth. Things are just so weird. And I like you. I know you said I should just make up my mind but I can't." I start to feel everything coming out. Like the damn that's been holding the truth back has been ruptured and the flood has escaped. "You said to me yesterday that I don't share the truth with you. The truth is, I don't know if I like boys or girls. I really don't. I'm not hiding anything, I just don't know. I feel like I like boys but then it seems like every single one I encounter is a complete asshole. I feel like I like girls. In my head I like girls, but...like...in my body...Everything is just so weird for me right now. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to you but please believe me, it doesn't make sense to me either." I pause for a moment and then I look at her. "I know I like you. Am I a lesbian, I don't know. I wish I felt the same thing with girls that I do with boys. Believe me, I wish that were the case. That would make things so much easier for me. I just don't know."

I stop and wait to see if any of that took hold of her. She nods her head. For the first time all night she doesn't look mad at me.

"I told Jen and Stacey," she says.

I look at her, surprised.

She nods. "Yeah. I told them. Now you're not the only one who knows."

"What did they say?"

"They freaked out and left. Fucking jerks. We've been friends for three years and suddenly they act like they don't know me. I didn't say I was attracted to them. I just said I'm attracted to girls in general." She pauses for a moment. "Whatever."

"Fuck them," I say. "I never liked them anyway."

Wendy laughs. She stops for a moment and then looks at me. "You know, there is something different about you."

"How so?"

She shakes her head. "I don't know. Just something."

I put my arm around her shoulder. She seems to take this as a sign of friendship and puts her around me as well.

"I think we should take a break from each other," she says into my ear, almost a whisper.

I take my arm away. "What do you mean?"

"Listen, we knew this was going to happen eventually. I'm going to Boston College and you're staying here for Hunter. We're not going to be able to see each other every day like we normally do. We should start to get used to that before we have to leave. I think we should stop talking until after we've started school."

The way she's looking at me I can tell she doesn't want this either but feels it necessary. I shake my head.

"Yes Ashley. Please, don't call me, don't text me. I still want to be your friend but I just can't do it right now. Let's go off to college and then see what happens from there."

I suddenly feel like Ben at the end of high school again. His friends never said anything like this but they might as well have. He never heard from anyone again. He would call, email, but nothing. This is the way someone slowly cuts you out of their life.

"I know what you're saying Wendy. You don't have to let me down easy."

"What do you mean?"

"If you don't want to be my friend anymore, just say it."

"No, it's not like that."

"So at some point during the semester you'll reach out to me? That's what you're saying?"

"Yes." She almost looks convincing but I know she doesn't mean it.

I want to push the issue further but I don't have any fight left in me tonight. "Fine. If that's what you want."

Now she's the one to put her arm around me. "I love you, Ashley."

She rests her head on me. I turn my head so that both of our foreheads are touching. She just said she loves me. I want nothing more than to kiss her right now. How did I screw this up? How did the original Ashley screw this up? Wendy is the best person I know. I don't just mean since I've become Ashley, I mean ever. As Ben too. I really want to kiss her but I know that will only make things worse.

"I love you too, Wendy." It's a whisper. I can feel tears starting to cloud my vision. I realize this is the first time I've said this in my life and really meant it.

She kisses me on the forehead and starts to leave. When she's at the bottom of the stairs I stop her.