Letting Go Ch. 04

I sobbed uncontrollably as the beautiful trees, rocks, and water that surrounded me faded away the same way as Gina, Reggie, Adam, and the squirrel had, until I was all alone in a desert of dark sand.

"Money is deceptive..." Gina's voiced echoed in my head over and over again until I couldn't handle it anymore.

**

"NO!!" I screamed shooting out of my bed.

My heart was racing in my chest and I was soaked with sweat. I blinked my eyes a few times until they adjusted to the darkness. I was still in my room and everything was still the same as I had left it. I was safe.

I cried for a minute or two. I was greatly shaken from the nightmare I had. I took a few sips from my water bottle and drew deep breaths until I settled down. It was just a nightmare, I told myself. I wasn't in Croatia and no one I knew would be melting into black sand anytime soon.

I checked my alarm clock: it was 4 o'clock in the morning. I got up to wash myself and change my shirt, I was a mess. My eyes were red and puffy and my hair was greasy. My grey shirt was damp with my sweat.

As I took a warm shower, I contemplated my nightmare and tried to understand what it meant. This wasn't the first time I've had a nightmare since Gina's passing, but this was the first time it talked about my desires.

As the water continued to run down my body, I grew increasingly restless. I turned off the water and patted myself dry with a towel. I changed the sheets of my bed and laid down again without any clothes.

I couldn't go back to sleep because something in the back of my head kept bothering me.

Davis' offer still rang and echoed in my head relentlessly, along with what Gina had told me in my dream. I sat up to try and forget it, yet it wouldn't leave. What bothered me even more was that I was coming closer and closer to saying yes than I was to staying here in Maryland where I literally had no chance of ever finding a job again. It would be logical to choose a job over not having one right?

It sounded simple enough to me yet I was still jumping back and forth every time I thought about Reggie. But again, I was leaning more towards accepting the offer.

I punched my pillow in frustration. I was the world's biggest poser and liar. Before our families had met, I was spewing out all this love stuff to Reggie, and how I thought we would always be together, and that my love for him was real, I even hinted at marriage some point later in life.

Yet here I was, alone in my apartment, attempting to keep secrets from him, avoiding him, lying to him, and even considering leaving him for a job in a place far away. How could that be love?

I gritted my teeth in frustration, no body could hate me more than I hated myself right now. I could picture it: Gina and Adam looking down upon me from wherever they were and shaking their heads because I had let them down.

When I was done being angry, my helplessness and depression creeped in, and I began to cry because I was so confused. I began to regret meeting Reggie at all: if I hadn't met him, then I would've jumped at this offer without any problems or remorse.

I shook that disgusting thought out of my head, I couldn't blame anyone for my indecisiveness. Most of my problems were self-caused; they were results of being secretive and selfish, but I couldn't help it.

I continued to feel hopeless as I cried myself to sleep.

**

Someone woke me up by obnoxiously ringing the doorbell late in the morning. I threw a clean pair of basketball shorts and a shirt on to check who it was. I tiptoed to the door and gazed into the peep hole and saw Reggie.

What the hell was he doing here? He didn't tell me he was visiting! I had absolutely no intentions of seeing him this week.

My apartment was littered with dirty clothes and dishes, there were tissues littering the floor, and all the rooms reeked of neglectful bodily care.

I rushed to the bathroom to rinse the tear streaks off of my face and to make my eyes seem a little less puffy. I gave my hair and teeth a quick brush and I quickly put deodorant on.

I opened the door to see Reggie in his favorite pair of blue jeans and his trademark Longhorns sweater.

"Hey!" he smiled.

"Hey Reggie," I said fixing my hair, "I didn't know you'd be coming over."

He chuckled. "Well, sorry to surprise you, but I thought I'd drop by and give you some food I whipped up at Rosemary. Can I come in?"

I took the food from his hands and shyly smiled, "I don't recommend coming in, it's a little bit of a mess in here, but..." I reluctantly said, "...if you want, you can."

"I'm sure it's clean. You should see my place right now," he joked. I rolled my eyes. Reggie was always the cleaner one of the two of us.

Once he got in, he fixed his eyes on all the clothes that were laying around and all the food and dishes that sat out in the open.

"Shit," he frowned, "this is pretty messy."

"Sorry," I said embarrassingly.

"Don't be!" he grinned touching my back, "I'd be a mess if I were in your situation too. I can help you clean up if you want."

"Reggie I-," I was going to refuse because I cleaned a specific way but he stubbornly put a finger on my mouth.

"Up! he interrupted, "First thing is first. We have to eat first!"

I sighed in frustration and relief, I was actually starving.

I cleared the table of most of my mail and dishes and grabbed a few paper plates because I ran out of clean ones.

Reggie opened the bag to reveal what he had brought. He made buttery dinner rolls, Alfredo chicken pasta, and strawberry cheesecake. It had all smelled so mouthwatering.

I quickly dove in. I ate at a rapid pace as Reggie took his time to savor each bite.

I was almost done with my 3rd plate of pasta before Reggie talked. "Damn!" he exclaimed, "slow down!"

"Sorry Reggie, but this is really good," I replied.

"I've never seen you eat like this before," he laughed, "did you even eat yesterday?"

"Yes," I lied. I actually didn't eat anything yesterday, but I didn't want him to lecture to me about it.

He talked about his business at Rosemary as I continued to inhale the pasta and cheesecake. Reggie's food had always been my favorite. He really showed his expertise and care behind everything he prepared.

"Done?" he asked me as I ate my last piece of cheesecake.

"Done," I replied happily.

"So which room do you wanna tackle first?" he asked.

"What?" I answered in confusion.

"What room do you want to clean first? I'm staying here to help you clean this place up. It's the least I can do to for you."

"What? No, Reggie you don't have to. I can clean this up myself. Besides, don't you have stuff at Rosemary to do?"

He seemed taken a bit back by my response, but he kept his lighthearted demeanor. "No, I called off work today. Paul is covering for me, I have the whole day to myself."

"But still..." I argued.

He frowned. "Look Simon, I don't care if you want me here or not, but I'm not going to leave this place until everything is cleaned up. I want to help you Simon. It's been a while since I've done something for you, so just let me help you, at least this once."

I was going to tell him no, but something in his eyes urged me to say yes. "Okay..." I said reluctantly.

"Awesome!" he cheered.

"I guess we can start in the living room."

I put the food away as Reggie went back to his car to fetch his bluetooth speaker. "It's always better to clean with music," he claimed.

**

Rock music played as we furiously cleaned the living room. We began by moving all the dirty dishes to the sink and putting all my dirty clothes in the washer. Reggie scrubbed and vacuumed the wooden floor as I washed the dishes and swept up the tissues.

"Fuck! This place living room actually looks like a living room now!" Reggie said proudly once we were done. "I thought it was some kind of place animals went to go die before we cleaned it up."

I punched his arm jokingly, "shut up."

He looked at me once he realized I was actually smiling. I avoided his stare and blushed. I was genuinely having a good time: Reggie was playing good music and he was cracking funny jokes. Just being himself was making me feel better.

We tackled the kitchen next.

"Shit!" Reggie yelled as he opened the refrigerator. "I think a rotting body looks and smells better than this."

I looked inside to see what he was talking about. He was right: the fruit and vegetables I had kept in there were spoiled and moldy beyond recognition. I almost threw up from the pungent smell of the rotting leftovers.

"I'll get the trashbags," I said.

We spent the next 30 minutes wearing scarves as makeshift masks to avoid inhaling the toxic fumes from the food. We discarded everything and wiped down the interior with antibacterial towels until my refrigerator was completely empty and spotless.

"Damn," I sighed, "looks like I have to buy more food."

"You're in luck," Reggie replied, "I thought you'd be low on food so I actually brought some stuff over from Rosemary."

He fetched them from his pickup: a whole array of fresh vegetables, fruits, herbs, bread, and meat. It looked like it would last me nearly two weeks worth of grocery shopping. My eyes widened, "Reggie, really?"

"Nothing big," he smiled and winked, "it's just some surplus stock."

He organized the food into my refrigerator specifically. "You never want to leave anything open, especially meats and vegetables," he advised me while arranging them into the trays. "What I do is, I put the vegetables and fruits in paper bags , if I don't finish using them, so that there's less chance of mold growing on them, and they stay fresher longer. You also wanna separate raw food from cooked food to avoid cross-contamination."

Soon enough, my kitchen was radiating with cleanliness and professional care.

We scrubbed the bathroom and mopped the hallways, we wiped down the windows and dusted my shelves and furniture, we polished the floor and door handles until they shone.

It was nearly sunset by the time we reached my room. Every single inch of my apartment was glowing except my room.

We were tired but determined to finish.

"Ready?" Reggie asked me before opening the door to my room. "We never know what wild animal or fungus my be growing in there."

"Shut up," I laughed rolling my eyes.

"1... 2... 3!" Reggie said barging into my room.

Articles of loose clothing were scattered on the floor and desks, empty waterbottles were kept in a heap in the corner, used tissues with cum and tears were thrown throughout the room. It smelled like a hermit had been living in my room for his entire life.

"Fuck!" Reggie yelled. "Can't wait to get to work on this. It smells like sweat and sadness in here."

As Reggie started another load of laundry outside of the room, the letters I had been getting from Pamani caught my eye.

I quickly grabbed them and hid them in my desk cabinet- there was absolutely no way Reggie could find out about it.

He came back to help me take care of everything else. We recycled all the plastic bottles and washed the remaining dishes.

"Wow, that's a lot of tissues under your bed," Reggie laughed as he vacuumed my carpet. "Is that for crying or masturbating?"

"None of your business," I shot back in defense.

"Hey, woah. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that," Reggie apologized.

I hit myself for my rudeness; he was only trying to help me. "No, it's fine. I'm just being a little uptight. Sorry Reggie."

He smiled in response as he continued to clean the floor.

After all the laundry was folded, all my books were neatly on the shelf, and the floor was spotless, we both collapsed on the bed.

We had been cleaning for nearly 7 hours straight, and it was already nighttime when we were finished with all the rooms. We were exhausted, but satisfied. My apartment had never actually been this cleaned like this before.

I placed my head on Reggie's shoulder. He leaned back in response and closed his eyes. We didn't talk for a while, but it was nice.

Today was the most I have ever spent time and talked with Reggie since I closed myself off from him when Gina passed. I was glad he came to help, I felt a lot better now that everything was clean and I had someone to talk to.

I breathed in his smell, which I haven't done for a long time. His familiar scent of Irish Spring, vanilla, and a small amount of his sweat pleased my nose. I looked at his resting face: his beard stubble remained shadowing his jaw and cheeks, his wavy hair looking effortlessly perfect on his head, his pinkish-red lips just begging to be kissed...

This was exactly what I had warned myself about. I was beginning to get attached to him and my decision-making ability was already wavering because of it.

I couldn't help it though; I was so turned on by him in this exact moment. But I still refrained myself from touching him further because I didn't want to risk him finding about my weight loss, and I didn't want to risk him influencing my decisions any further.

I got up to get a glass of water to put myself at ease, but Reggie grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"Reggie, what are you doing?"

He didn't answer my question. Instead, he placed his burly hands on my shoulders and began massaging me.

I sat back down because it felt amazing. "Reggie..." I groaned.

He continued to press and caress my tense muscles in my neck and back, relieving a lot of the knots that had gathered up there.

He began to caress my pecs and abs through my shirt and he slowly started to bite my ears and lick my neck. I hesitantly tried to get up, but Reggie didn't let me. I promised myself that I wouldn't risk letting Reggie see my naked body, but I had a violent will to let him continue on.

"I need you," he sexily whispered in my ears. "It's been weeks, Simon. Please, my body needs it. I know you need it too."

He continued to gently press his lips against the nape and sides of my neck as his hands continually explored my body. I leaned back into his body. "Reggie..." I croaked, "please..."

"Fuck baby, you're so warm," he said in a husky, deep voice. Just the sound of him speaking was enough to push the right buttons.

I was already way passed the point of no return: just his smell and his voice were enough to send me sky-rocketing over the edge.

He placed his hands on my hips to remove my shirt, but I stopped him. "Wait first," I requested. I stood up to turn off the lights before I let him continue.

His silky, wet tongue glided over my bare back, and his hands smoothly ran over my skin. I was getting goosebumps from all the places he touched me.

To say that I needed this was an understatement. My body craved it; I needed this to survive. Reggie's hot breath fluttered over me and made my blood boil. He took off his sweater and turned me over.

God, how I wish I could've seen his beautiful, radiant body, but it was eclipsed by the rich, safe darkness. I traced his body in the dark. I felt his strong arms, and his broad shoulders. I ran my fingers through his beating, hairy chest.

My hands continued to hover over his skin until they connected at the back of his neck. I took a moment just to let all of his warmth, the sounds of his quickening breaths, and the pure smell of his body settle in before I leaned in to kiss him.

His hands gripped my waist tightly as our lips connected. My tongue wrestled with his as his soft lips caressed mine.

It was fucking intoxicating: I couldn't get enough of him. My hands glided over his back as I pulled myself closer to his body.

I felt his member hardening under his jeans as he slapped my ass. "Give it to me Reggie," I begged him.

I moaned as he traced my boxer waistband with his fingers. He removed my basketball shorts in one, swift motion.

All of his mouth and handwork had me leaking copiously. My boxers were soaked with precum.

Reggie gripped my erection through my boxers and laughed quietly. "A little excited aren't you?"

"Fuck me now," I demanded.

"Hmmm... not with that attitude," he answered.

We both stood up to take off everything. Before Reggie was about to throw his boxers to the desk, I grabbed them. They were damp with his precum and sweat. I brought them up to my nose and took a huge whiff. The smell of his ballsweat and precum were enticing, and I nearly busted from it.

"Shit, that was hot," Reggie moaned before pulling me into a deep French kiss. His slippery boner beat against mine as we cradled them between our stomachs.

He pushed me onto the bed and pounced and gyrated on my body. The friction created by our damp bodies and wet cocks was the hottest thing I have ever felt.

He nibbled my neck as he continued to rub his body against mine.

"Please, I need the real thing!" I begged him.

He ignored my pleads as he continued to torture me with his foreplay. He licked me relentlessly: from my shoulders, to my chest, to my abs. He gave every inch of my body his undivided attention as he made his way further down.

I was damp with sweat and his saliva. I squirmed under beneath his touch as he breathed over my dick. His moist, warm breath brushing my cock turned me on immensely.

He firmly grasped the base with his hand and gave it a quick lick.

"Fucker!" I said, "quit the foreplay!"

"Manners?"

"Oh fuck... Please, Reggie, suck me!" I said.

"That's a little more like it," he said wittingly.

He wrapped his lips around the tip and played with my balls. "Oh!" I groaned in pure ecstasy. I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to have his warm mouth on my penis, and I wondered how I lived without the sensation up until now.

He continued to encase my dick in his mouth inch by inch. The feeling of his warm, wet mouth sliding over my meat was indescribable. I grabbed his hair and threw my head back. I was moaning and thrashing like a madman as he bobbed his head up and down my shaft.

He licked two of his fingers and tickled my throbbing asshole. "God!" I yelled over and over again. He dug his fingers into me as I writhed in pleasure. He continued to suck me and finger me until I was panting and screaming his name.

"Reggie! Stop! Oh fuck!" I yelled. He took his fingers out of my ass and kissed my dick before he stood up. I was wet with sweat and I was breathing hard. It was like we were having sex for the first time all over again.

"God... you're so beautiful Simon. Even in the dark," Reggie said admiringly.

I wiped my forehead and blushed, "Reggie... please keep going."

"You don't even have to ask."

He placed my legs onto his shoulders and leaned in to lick my face and kiss me. He squeezed lotion from a bottle on my nightstand and lubed up my ass and his dick. "I'm going in," he said.

I whimpered in response as he grabbed my shoulders and inserted the tip. "Shit..." he moaned.

I paced my breathing and gripped the edge of the bed tightly so it wouldn't hurt. I groaned louder and louder as he entered me inch by inch, until he was all the way in. I felt his cock throb against my tight ass.

He looked at me intently in the eyes and said, "I'm finally home."

That sent me over the edge. I pulled him in to kiss me as he began to pump his hips. "Oh fuck!" I howled in pleasure as his dick worked its way over my prostate. He was roaring in delight as he placed his right hand on my neck to constrict some of my air flow.

These were the type of moments where I was grateful to be alive: a moment so raw, real, and intimate that you can't quite believe that it's happening. My senses were on overdrive: Reggie's deep moans flooding my ears, the smell of his sweat and musk intoxicating my nostrils, the sight of his dimly shaded silhouette pleasing my eyes, the taste of his saliva dancing on my tongue, and the feeling of his manly hand on my neck and his dick fucking me in the ass so well that I wished I could've stayed like this forever.