Love & Disrespect: Early Release

Tiff led Shelly and me back into the apartment. Once inside, Shelly sat on the sofa, while Tiff said goodbye, went back into Ty's room and shut the door.

I looked at Shelly and realized she looked lost.

"You're early. I didn't expect you until this evening."

"Well," she said softly, "I had this great idea ..."

She smiled sadly.

"It kind of blew up in my face. It seems all my plans have been doing that lately."

She looked at me and continued.

"First, I need to apologize."

"Shelly, we've already been through all this ..."

"No, this is new," she said, gathering herself. "I came down here so I could tell you what happened after our meeting and to tell you how things have changed. I was hoping it would make you reconsider divorcing me.

"But after what just happened, I'm not sure it'll be enough. When I saw that woman... for a moment, I thought you'd already replaced me."

"I told you I wouldn't, Shelly."

"I know," she said softly, as she wiped her eyes. "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but then I thought maybe this was a way of paying me back for what I did to you. I know you wouldn't, even though I would've certainly deserved it. I'm so sorry I thought that!"

She wiped away a tear and gathered herself.

"Todd, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I acted like a spoiled little girl. I knew I'd hurt you, but I'm not sure I realized how badly until just a few minutes ago. Now I understand why the fact I didn't actually cheat on you doesn't mean anything. I'd hurt you in an area you never thought I would or could. I'm so sorry it took seeing that naked woman in your apartment to finally make me realize just how deeply I'd betrayed you."

She paused to wipe away a fresh set of tears. She looked up at me and I could see her pain, since it mirrored my own.

"I know this won't change things," she continued, "but I'd like to tell you what happened after our meeting. May I?"

"All right, Shelly. I had my say that night, so I'll try not to interrupt you. Say what you need to."

The truth was, I was praying there was something she could do or say which could change things. When I'd just found her crying outside my door, I'd felt my heart tighten like it hadn't in over a month. I knew I still loved her and seeing her in pain, all I wanted to do was grab her and protect her.

It wasn't lost on me; I was desperately looking for a way back to her, to us. I missed her every moment for the past four weeks, and the nights without her were hell. I just couldn't see a way for it to happen.

"First, some of the things you said the last time we met were harsh, but true. It set off several discussions, fights really, over the next two weeks. The first one was between Maggie and me.

"After you left, Maggie apologized for her part in what happened, but then started berating you for your actions. I went off on her. I told her we both knew who came up with that idea that horrible night. I told everyone it was still my fault, though. I couldn't believe I'd been so petty as to do that to you."

"Too little, too late, right?" she said looking at me with a small sad smirk." I know I should've done it months earlier, but I didn't and now I'm paying for it. However, I finally did stand up for you, for us.

"When Maggie tried to shift some of the blame on you again, I went ballistic. We ended up screaming and yelling at each other. I finally said, even though I'm to blame for agreeing to go through with it, it was at her suggestion. I asked her how she could ever do that to me. We both ended up in tears.

"Mom and Dad had words with Maggie later that week, as well. Mom told her they were done watching Jamie just so she could go act like a slut. Dad was in tears when he told her how ashamed he was of her. I don't know which comment hurt her the most, but after several days of crying, she agreed to go get some help.

"Last week, she started seeing a counselor. It's going to be a long process but we're praying she can work past all her issues, for both hers and Jamie's sake.

"Mom and Dad have been having problems, as well; I guess mainly because of me. When you told me your transfer had come through earlier than expected and you'd be leaving for LA, I nearly had a breakdown. I saw all my hopes and dreams of spending the rest of my life with you crumbling down around me.

"I was whining and crying uncontrollably in front of them when Mom stood up and slapped me! She'd only ever done that once. It had been back when I was in high school and had called her a bitch.

"This time, she glared at me afterwards and told me to grow up. When Dad tried to intercede, she told him if I was old enough to get married then I was old enough to start acting like an adult. She said if I was all that sorry I needed to get off my selfish butt and go try my best to fix it.

"When Dad interrupted, she reminded him they'd had several arguments with my Grandmother when they were first married. I guess Dad's mother had a bad tendency of interfering in their marriage at the beginning. I think that's why Mom and Dad tried to stay out of Maggie's and my marriages.

"Things between my parents have been tense ever since our talk. I know they have a lot of things and old hurts and anger to work out. Maggie's and my situations probably aren't helping."

She took a breath and sighed deeply.

"That only leaves me, and I'm not sure exactly where to begin.

I looked at her with more than a little confusion. She smiled sadly.

"Todd, I came here to ask you to give our marriage another chance. To do that, I need to appeal to both your heart and your mind. I'm comfortable talking to your heart, since we both know I operate on emotions. However, it's when I try to lay out a logical case for why you should try to save our marriage that I need your help.

"I realize I'll probably do a poor job of this. This is your strength, not mine. However, I need you not to turn this into a debate. I'm not saying we don't talk about the holes in my logic. I am saying we discuss them, rather than argue about them. This isn't a competition where one of us wins and the other loses. If you do decide to try again, I'll certainly win but you will, too.

"Lastly," she said softly, "we both know I'm going to cry during this. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I realize it bothers you, but you'll just have to get over it. This is too damn important!"

I fought back a smile, since I knew there were going to be tears. It was a given that she'd be crying, and it would be easy to keep her that way. I'd done that the night we met at her parent's house. I was somewhat surprised and pleased she'd taken this approach. I'd figured this was the reason behind her visit. I also knew in my heart that I wanted to find a way to save our marriage, but logically, it wasn't possible. The trust had been destroyed and I didn't think I had it in me to try again. It made the most sense to part ways and try to start over again, separately.

"I'll right," I replied gently, "you allowed me to say what I needed before I left. I'll return the courtesy."

"Thank you. First, I need to give you these."

She dug in her purse for a moment before she pulled out a manila envelope. She stared intently as she handed it to me.

"Those are the signed divorce papers like I promised. I'm hoping you don't file them, but if you do, I'll certainly understand. The way I acted was inexcusable and I'll forever be ashamed I did those things. However, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to fight for our marriage, even if it's already too late.

"Todd you said you deserved a wife who would fight for your marriage... well I'm fighting! I know you believe it would be a long and difficult task to rebuild this marriage. I agree, but I believe with all my heart it'll be worth it.

"First... do you love me?"

"Yes, but that's not enough ..."

"Please, Todd. I'm trying to establish a base on which I plan to show you logically why we should try again. I know these are loaded questions, but they're necessary. Now, do you believe I love you?"

"Shelly, after what you did, can you blame me for doubting your love?"

"Honey, I don't blame you. I know I would be thinking the same thing if I were you. But even if it isn't as strong as you'd once believed it was, and even with the stupid hurtful things I did... do you believe I still love you?"

I slowly nodded. I knew she still loved me, but that wasn't the real issue. The problem was trust. She'd betrayed me, maybe not to the level I'd feared, but still, I'd somehow become the enemy. She'd chosen someone else over me, even temporarily. While that usually wouldn't mean the end of the world, she'd sided with someone else and then attacked me!

"Thank you," she said softly fighting back her tears. "That was the most important piece. If you didn't still love me or if you didn't think I loved you, then nothing else would matter."

She sat back and girded herself. I realized a hard question was coming.

"Todd," she began softly, "I know the last time we sat down and talked, you said I'd damaged your trust in me. I certainly understand that. You then said you'd never be able to fully trust that I wouldn't cheat on you... that's unfair.

"I never cheated on you and you even said your private investigator confirmed that. Yes, I let guys I danced with occasionally grab my ass. I'm ashamed I let it go so far, but that is as far as it ever went. Even when I was acting like a bitch and trying to make you jealous, there was never any other guy. Since you told me I'd been watched those nights, then you know the Ted I referred to that night was the guy that had taken Maggie out into the parking lot. He was one of her boyfriends, not mine.

"That said, even though I seriously damaged your belief in me, even though since we've been together, I've never even kissed another man let alone had sex with one; do you believe I'll probably cheat on you if we stay married?"

"Shelly, before that night I never thought it possible," I said calmly. "But now? Now, that possibility haunts me."

"Dammit, Todd, I'm not talking about possibilities. I'm talking about probabilities. It's a possibility that within ten years you'll die in a car accident, or I'll develop breast cancer. The possibilities of something bad happening are endless! I'm asking you if you think that if we stay together that I'll ever cheat on you?"

I weighed my answer. I was trying to address it objectively instead of replying with some hurtful comment to make my point. In all honesty, I knew the odds of her cheating on me were less than the odds of her staying faithful. A gambler would find it an easy bet; however, I wasn't much of a gambler.

I guess the logical question was, can a person be correctly labeled as something they've never actually done before? Can a man be considered a thief when he's never actually stolen anything before, but only appeared to have, once? The answer was... no, not and be fair.

"No," I conceded quietly. "I don't think you'll ever cheat on me."

"Now," she said peering intently into my eyes, "do you believe I'll ever hurt you again?"

I stared at her confused. This was a huge jump in logic. She smiled warmly, seeing my response.

"The correct answer, Honey," she cooed softly, "isn't only yes, but hell yes! I'll guarantee if we stay married long enough, I'll hurt you again. I'll disappoint you somehow or let you down in some area. I'll act emotionally without thinking something through logically. In short, I'll hurt you again.

"If it makes you feel any better, I can guarantee you'll hurt me, as well. You'll neglect me in some way or dismiss my feelings without considering them enough. The fact is, you'll disappoint and let me down sometimes, as well. I'm sorry but that's marriage.

"What'll make this marriage worth it will be how we deal with those wounds and disappointments. Will we be able to look into each other's eyes and realize we're married to a flawed human being? Will we be able remember that we love each other and would never intentionally do any lasting harm to each other?"

By this time, I was watching her intently. I wasn't sure I agreed with everything she was saying but I was enjoying watching her. She was almost shouting by now, and was making huge gestures with her arms as she talked with her hands. Her sincerity, her passion, her heart was laid bare for all to see. This was the woman who brought so much life and joy into my life that when she didn't, it was sorely missed. As if on cue, she continued.

"Todd, you've told me countless times that I bring color to your world. Well, you need to know that you bring structure and focus to mine. Without you, my life is abstract, full of color but without form. But with you, we can create an unforgettable painting of a marriage.

"Please never doubt that I need you. If I hurt you, it'll most likely be unintentional. If you think I'm only trying to manipulate you for my own selfish reasons, then please, do us both a favor and file those papers. But if you choose to look, you'll see a woman who's trying to become the type of wife you're dreaming of and deserve. I'm certainly not there yet, but I'm learning and getting better.

"You need to know, however, you're not the husband I dream of or deserve either. Oh, you're closer to my dream than I am to yours, but you're not there yet, buster.

"Todd, please realize that at some time I'm going to ask you to tear those divorce papers up. It won't be any time soon, but at some point I will. We can't have the marriage we both want with a gun pointed at me, waiting for an excuse to fire. I understand you need it as security until you get to a point where you begin to trust me again, but it can't last forever.

"Honey, you said you needed a wife who would fight for your marriage, well I need a husband who won't quit on our marriage, as well. I realize you'd been fighting for it that month before you left. I'm sorry you were doing it alone. I can't change the past, but I can try to change my future.

"I need to tell you that besides meeting with you this weekend, I'm also looking for an apartment. I quit my job and got another one here in LA. After looking at the rental rates, I'm afraid I'll need to find a roommate.

"Now don't look so surprised, finding an entry-level job in my field isn't difficult. Almost every employer is looking for a somewhat intelligent, young, naïve individual to come in and work their ass off for entry-level pay.

"As to why, that's simple, as well, I need to be close to you. Regardless of how our meeting goes today, I'm committing to our marriage until the divorce is final. In order for you to see my sincerity, you need to be able to see it on a daily basis, that is, if you want to look. That can't happen with me living so far away.

"Before you ask, no you aren't the villain who stole me away from my family. I'm sorry you ever felt that way. I want you to know there is no doubt in my mind that I choose you. Maybe not on every subject, but overall, I'll always choose you. Hopefully, this leap of faith will help you believe it. If not, I'll understand, but I won't tell you I'll be happy about it.

"Now, before I make a complete fool of myself and cause an ugly crying scene, I need to go. If you want to talk some more, please call me. Thank you for meeting with me today."

She wiped her eyes again and stood up. Silently, I walked her to the door. Opening the door, she turned around and kissed me gently on the cheek.

"I love you, Todd," she whispered, "and I always will."

"I love you, too, Shelly," I said gently.

When she left, I was filled with an incredible emptiness. It was like standing in an office filled with fluorescent lighting after walking in from the bright sunny outside. I sat down and sighed. I spent the next couple of hours going over everything Shelly had said to me.

I had come out to LA to start fresh. Now, Shelly was basically offering me the same, only with us doing it as a couple. I chuckled to myself as I realized I was sitting in an apartment which wasn't mine, in a new city, alone. It was certainly a new beginning. Ty and Tiff had left to go out for dinner and left me to my dilemma. I was at a crossroads and my next choice would affect my very near future. Slowly, I pulled out my cell.

"Hello?" Shelly's weak voice answered. It was obvious she'd been crying.

"Shelly, are you all right?" I said immediately realizing the stupidity of my question.

"No," she said softly, "no, I'm not. I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that wasn't the reason for your call. What is it, Todd?"

"Well, in a way that is what I'm calling about," I said gently. "I was wondering if you would mind me joining you in looking for an apartment tomorrow."

"Of course," she sniffled.

"And I was also wondering," I continued, "if you were still looking for a roommate?"

She paused for a moment and the silence was deafening.

"No, not really" she said, to my surprise. "I'm not looking for a male roommate with benefits, I'm not that type of girl and I'm married. What I'm really looking for is my husband."

"Well, I can't make any guarantees," I said finding myself smiling, "but if we take it slowly... I believe it would be a very strong probability."

Again, there was only silence on the other end. I thought I could hear a muffled sob but I wasn't certain.

"Shelly?" I said softly.

"Meet me at my hotel at nine tomorrow morning," she replied, laughing and crying at the same time.