Love Won't Die

I did have a look and it wasn't far from where I worked; a big plus was a two car garage and plenty of room for mine. Alba's easy sell sealed it, but only after I said I had to be allowed to pay half of everything including, obviously, the mortgage and utilities along with the groceries.

"That sounds like a good deal, and maybe we can split the cooking, or do it together, but not to say we're a twosome."

She knew I wasn't picking up any of the femmes, and most likely guessed why, or nearly so. There was no doubt in her mind that I was a lesbian, and she never asked me about it otherwise. It all made sense for me financially. My savings would grow faster, and I could send more money to my mother, something I hadn't done since the first time.

I did have to tell her of the possibility of me having a nightmare though I hadn't had one to speak of, just some conscious reminders that occasionally came to mind unbidden.

"Okay, but if I can help, let me know," was all she said.

"It's been a while, so maybe they're gone; I hope so anyway."

It was working out good, and we did enjoy each other's company. As she said, it was good having a roomie that was fun and good to talk to. I felt the same. My dorm mate was seldom seen, and frankly, I was glad, and that was before Cerise had me move in with her. Maybe I just didn't know the girl and thus felt uncomfortable around her.

Being roomies also was convenient when we went to the club, often only taking one or the other car. However, when Reba and some of the others found out that we were living together, even if only as platonic roomies, we both were razzed, but all in good fun for they knew Alba had an occasional femme, and sometimes saw her do that after I had moved in with her. They never saw me go with anyone, and kindly never mentioned it.

Chapter 8

The attacks began again, this time due to dancing. I'd learned to dance a little, but not much, it was so frowned on by the church, and obviously much more so if two girls were dancing together as was sometimes the case. Same sex couples were frowned on for everything, of course. However, when Alba brought up the dancing, she decided to start teaching me at home. That's when the first shots were fired, albeit not too loudly.

It was the same in the club. I danced with Reba, as well as a few others, then the warnings would hit me. When I danced with one of the really cute and sweet faced femmes, and I began to feel an excitement, a voice shouted from within me:

'Spawn of Satan! Whore!'

More than just startled, I jumped back away from her, my whole body shocked by the sudden attack. I stood there for a minute, breathing in short gasps, the cute girl I had been dancing with was stunned and in disbelief at the suddenness of my actions. I shook my head as I began to gather my wits about me.

"I'm so sorry," I said, and turned away and left her standing there.

Alba had seen a part of what happened, and came up to me as I walked away.

"Are you okay, hon?"

"I—I think so. I'm sorry," I stammered.

"That's okay. You look really shook, hon. Let's get you home."

I didn't resist.

"Want to tell me what happened?" she asked solicitously after we were home.

"Just kinda like my nightmares," I said, feeling the need to give her something.

She deserved some kind of answer though I didn't want to tell her everything.. Those secret places still ruling in me.

"Honey, if I can help you any, you know that I will. Now how about a cup of chamomile to help you rest, or would you like to go to bed.

"Bed would be best I think, and thanks. Sorry I ruined your night."

"Hey, no problem, you just rest and if you need anything, just holler, okay?"

I nodded, and she kissed my cheek before I went off to try to sleep.

Sleep was hard in coming, my mind a mess. I felt the voices mocking me, but they were not fully out for which I was thankful. To try to take my mind off of all those voices, I resorted to thinking of Cerise. That was good for a while. I still missed her though I had blocked her out of my mind, but when and if I needed it, I knew my heart would surrender to my love of her. Yes, I still loved her and hated that I had to resort to blocking her out though she was lost to me. Love is funny that way, even if one is not a teenager.

Thinking of Cerise proved a salve to my troubled person. How wonderful to have someone like her to so easily concentrate my mind on something other than those demons. She worked like magic, and I fell asleep. I even began dreaming of her, then my dream turned erotic, seeing that amazing person, her beautiful face, her perfect body that was so regal in its motion, and that pussy of hers that I adored, as well as her magnificent ass and legs. I was having a wet dream for the first time since we parted.

'Whore!' I heard shattering my dream in mid-orgasm. 'Spawn of Satan! Abomination in God's sight. Stone her!' came his shout, and I sat up screaming, sweating as if in a sauna. I could barely breathe, my heart palpitating wildly and not from anything sexual. No, it all came at me with a vengeance.

As I tried to breathe properly, Alba came rushing in, not ever putting a robe over her sleeping T.

"What is it, honey? Are you okay?"

Still trying to breathe, she quickly held me and started whispering softly, telling me to relax and let my breathing come slowly back to normal, and also letting me know that she was there and would stay.

After some time—it couldn't have been long though it seemed like an eternity—I did finally start to breathe better. Then I realized that I had been crying, almost in sobs that were mixing with my stifled breathing.

"Honey, there's something bothering you real bad, and it's choking you. Tell me what it is if you can and let me help you, or let me get someone to help you. Please, hon," she worried, her own breathing a little rushed.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. She was right, it was choking me, and someday it would choke the life out of me. I had to find out what it was, though I knew it was religious. What I didn't know was how it could affect me so, rule so much of me and so on cue. It was on cue. Had it not been for that beautiful love Cerise and I shared, it would not have allowed me to love at all, and I knew it, but how could it have so much power over me otherwise?

"Okay," I said. "I'll tell you as best I can, but I'm not sure it will make sense. It does, but there's something so powerful that takes hold of me."

"Do you want to stay here, or go on the sofa and talk, maybe have a cup of that tea to soothe you a bit?"

"Yes, that might be good. I'm sorry to trouble you, Alba. So sorry."

"No trouble other than that I do worry on you, hon. Now come on, let's get a pot of tea and try to relax you to where you can get this out."

"Let me rinse off while you fix the tea, okay. I'm all sweated up."

"Sure you can do it alone? I'd be glad to get in there with you if you think you might need some help."

She meant it, and I knew it, but I was good enough to shower without help. If I wasn't, I definitely would have let her help, so I let her know I was good enough to do it by myself.

I showered, and put a new gown on, and a robe. She had two cups of tea out for us and was waiting on me.

"This is going to be strange and weird, but I guess maybe there have been other cases like mine, but I'm not sure why it grips me so hard. I'll try to say it as quickly as I can, but still get it all in."

"Listen, honey, you take your time. Neither of us has to work tomorrow or the next day, so we have all the time you need. Don't rush it, and get it out of you. Maybe talking about it aloud will make some of it go away. Talking often has that effect, so take your time, okay?"

"Okay, and thank you."

So it was that I told her everything: my religious upbringing, my realization that I more than favored females, our preacher, my parents, and even Kayla. Everything about Kayla and me with her in all of our love making. Then I paused, having a second up of tea and sipping, wondering if I should tell her about Cerise. As I sipped, I decided that I'd told her everything before Cerise, and it did make me feel better having done that, so maybe it would be even better to tell her all of it.

I did. As I spoke, my heart couldn't help but feel us—Cerise and I—together, and my heart swell with my love of her while I spoke. When it was all over, I felt a warmth within me, a sweetness having spoken so freely about her, and no matter what came of this conversation, I would love having the marvelous feeling of the love of Cerise as I spoke of us together.

"Wow! She must really be something," Alba said.

"She was—is. We never said anything about loving each other, but we both knew it. At the last, she told me of her love, and wouldn't let me tell her of the love I had for her. There's not a day goes by that I don't think of her and feel her in my heart. So that's all of it, and yes, it has made me feel better telling you about it all, especially about Cerise. Whether this feeling of freedom that I have now will last, I don't know, but I'll take what I have for now and be grateful. I'll be glad to answer any questions you have, you've been so wonderful and kind to listen to me, and to help me find some peace."

She was silent for a short while as if thinking, and sipping the last of her tea.

"Polly, how do you feel about religion now? The religion you were raised in, that is, if you don't mind my asking?"

"No, I don't mind. We were a tight knit community, and I was in church every Sunday for two services and another on Wednesday evening since I was born, I think. I can't remember not going to church if sickness didn't keep us from going. I did believe it all, though while with Kayla, I did mildly wonder about it, how it could be so bad the way I was with Kayla, but that wasn't thought of often. I probably shut it out, blocked the thoughts as they may have tried to make me wonder so I can't say that I ever really questioned it. Those times when the voices screamed at me while we were having sex, I know I went deeper into feeling the beauty of our sex as I was having it, burying myself in it, literally and figuratively.

"Maybe I mildly wondered how such a beautiful feeling—all of them—could be so wrong, but somehow I believed what the preacher said that God said to us in the bible. Damnation awaited me, I was sure, and I would be in the fiery flames of hell when I died. That never has left me, though I know that I block it out. That's the best that I can answer that, I guess."

"Do you feel able to talk about those mild questions you blocked out? I ask that because I know some people just don't have it in them to openly question the bible, or their preacher."

"As I said, I never had," I said not seeing where she might be going with this.

"Would you feel it blasphemous if I asked you some about it, maybe question some of what the bible really says, or may not say? Would it make you feel bad, or think it improper to do that? I don't want to have you feeling as if I'm trampling on your religious faith, I mean, if you're set against it, but honey, I think it may help you some, and maybe a lot."

"No. I guess it's okay if you think it will help me. You having me talk has already helped, so maybe that will too," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"It may; in fact, if you're really open to it, I think it will. Honey, there's one thing I've loved dearly about you, and that's your honesty. Your so honest in everything that it amazes me. As well, you're a beautiful person just like you say your Cerise is. Mercy, she must really be something else, and yes, I wish I could meet her, but, well... Anyway, you have a bible, right?" I nodded. "Would you get it please."

Wondering why, I nevertheless went to my bedroom and reached for my bible and went back.

"Now do me a favor and look at the gospel of Luke where he tells of them going to Bethlehem, and why."

I did.

"Now honey, I'm not a religious person, and don't know a lot about the bible, but I have been privy to hearing some who were knowledgeable about it and mentioned it at times. Honestly, I don't know if Jesus existed or not, but I think he did, but I feel as if some of what I heard, and a little of what I've read, about things he's supposed to have said, were put into his mouth, and probably never said by him. One fact that I do think I know is that those gospels weren't written by those Apostles, and I understand that the bible doesn't really mention them as being the actual authors. That I have looked at, and if you'll take a minute and look at the start of Luke, see if it says he wrote it, or it is 'According to' him."

It wasn't hard to do that, and I saw that she was right, and nodded my seeing that.

"That's a give away, if it hadn't been as I said, that he didn't really write it, and more, that whoever wrote it, or was told to write it as it is, had it wrong, if I'm not mistaken. When you get up in the morning, you can check it out on different sites on the Internet. Now let's get to where Jesus went to be born and why, and you'll see what I'm talking about."

I flipped over the page where it mentioned why they went to Bethlehem, and looked up to let her know that I had it.

"Find where it says that Cyrenius was governor at that time." I nodded that I saw it. "Keep that page in mind, and look that up in the Internet and check to see what you find about when this guy is said to be the governor of Syria, I think it says, right?"

I nodded that it did say he was governor.

"I think you'll find that it isn't so, but you're the one that has to see it, and know it for yourself."

Puzzled, yet nodding, I wondered where she was going with this. "Why this, Alba?" I asked.

"As I told you, I'm not a religious person as you've no doubt figured out in the time you've been here with me, but the little I know about the bible, I don't think it's actually what people like your preacher say it is. What I do know not only about you, but about all of us women, is that we're made to have pleasure, or most of us are, so if we're like they say Eve was, we're the same make, and she had a clitoris, and she got wet when she had sex with Adam, that's if they were real people. That being so, then why would any god make us to be as we are.

"When we need sex, we get hot and horny, and we're made to be that way, period. And we know that there are differences among many of us so that some have mutations in their genes, or how their genes are arranged, and we have no idea as yet why that is, not for a scientific fact anyway, then maybe that's why some of us prefer to make love to other women. You didn't feel an attraction to men, and that wasn't something you just decided on as a conscious thought, if read you right. You just suddenly knew that it was women that you liked."

I'd never thought of that, but why hadn't I? It was true, what Alba said about me; that's one of the problems I had with all of this—I simply was as I am.

"I see that you're wondering now, and maybe it's something that you never thought of before, something—following up on your wondering, as you said that you blocked it all out. Honey, you're one gorgeous, beautiful, sexy female, and you love other women, and other women most likely in droves, wish that you'd love with them, like that cute femme last night, or this night," she laughed. "What I'd like for you to do, and I'll try to help you, is to check out some of this stuff they've put in your head.

"If I see right from what you said, I think that they planted a tree in you that has grown exponentially in you as faith and belief in what you've been taught for years, and its come into conflict with what you really are. If what you are is just because it is what you are, then the other has to be wrong. That's what I think is the conflict, and that tree that they've fed in you just doesn't make room for anything other than what the tree says you should be. When you go against that belief, it fights to not be doubted, to not lose you to who and what you are, so you have this conflict that tears you apart when you don't adhere to that belief. It brooks no competition, hon."

What Alba was saying, hard as it was to believe, somehow was making sense. At least I felt that I should look into it. If she was wrong, no harm done, and maybe I did need to make sure that I followed what the bible said as best I could, maybe be like those hermits of old as I'd heard about if need be. But what if she was right?

"Thank you. I think you've said some things that I do need to look at, and not avoid. If you're right, maybe that will help kind of like talking helped. Maybe I can sleep okay now; anyway, you need to sleep too."

"Honey, would you like me to sleep with you? I will if it will help you, and no funny business either," she assured me. I knew she meant it as she said it.

Getting up, I hugged her, sensing her to be the friend I never had, one that was concerned about me, and not for any reason other than just that—friendship.

"I think I'll be okay," I said, and kissed her cheek as she kissed mine.

"Let me know if you need me, okay?"

I nodded, and went to bed. I did sleep, and rather easily though I had questions flitting around in my mind.

Chapter 9

So my journey of discovery began. I woke up with my mind focused on all Alba had told me, and determined to look up Cyrenius' time as governor of Syria. I went to it immediate after taking care of my morning bodily needs, but not even going out for my morning coffee. It wasn't too long before I saw that Alba most probably was right. Several sites said Cyrenius was governor about ten years after the probable date of Jesus' birth. Was Luke's gospel wrong? That set me to wondering, to wanting to know. How could anything in the bible be wrong? I was confused, but then I wondered if it was because of the possibility that I had been told wrong, but there it was in the bible.

Kissing and hugging Alba, I went after my coffee cup; she looked at what must have been the wondering showing in my face.

"A little late this morning, huh? Sleep okay?"

"Yes, very well, and no unwanted intrusions. I'm sorry to have come out so late but what you told me to look up, well, it was on my mind as soon as my eyes opened."

"And?" she quizzed me, but I knew she'd figured out what I'd found.

"Looks like you're right. Honestly, I never expected that."

"Hmm, so you think I may lie to you on sometimes, huh?" she teased me.

"No, that's not true," I answered with a small smile that matched hers. "I do wonder now what other surprises are in store for me, if any."

"So you think you may like to continue researching the bible now?"

"I guess so. There's no doubt that it's the reason for my nightmares. I'm still trying to sort things out."

"Honey, I don't want to push you—goodness only knows you've got enough problems—but if you want to continue searching as I suggested, let me know."

As if considering her words for a minute, I paused, but I already knew that it couldn't hurt to find out for myself what was, and maybe wasn't, there.

"Yes, I think so. It can't hurt, and it might help."

"Good. I thought you might say that—your honesty, I think, demands it if I'm not mistaken. As I said, they put all of this in you at your church, but did they really know if it was true or not? I think they may not have, but maybe we'll see now. Anyway, thinking you might say you wanted to continue, I called a friend, one of those I had heard speaking of the bible, and told her a friend and I were discussing the validity of what the bible said. Long story short, she gave me a few other tidbits to look up, and consider."

Instantly I was anxious to hear what all she had for me to look up. Any piece of information was welcome.