Love Won't Die

More, the following day, Alba went with me to scour the book shelves again for what might be interesting.. I came away with a book about heresy and heretics that looked interesting. In the meantime, Alba's friend kept calling with other interesting dichotomies in the bible to ponder, or more precisely, contradictions. This was all becoming unbelievable to me, the things that made what was taught come into question. Was the bible the real word of God? I spoke to Alba about my growing suspicions and asked her opinions.

"It damn sure seems like it, hon, but what your psyche makes of all of this, and how it affects you, or more to the point, if you keep changing, and quit listening to those voices will be the proof in the pudding for you. Somehow I think it will. As I said when this started, I think they implanted something in you from the get-go that your body contradicted, and your mind couldn't figure out. What with the guilt you felt by your body's insistence that it had precedence over that they taught was a mix that made for war within you. Looks like we'll see in the near future. Personally, I recommend that you keep reading and learning."

That made sense to me.

* * * *

Starting to read in the Heresies book as well, I kept at it, and though it had wholly different things in it, it did begin to blend in with Daniel, the Maccabees, and the resurrection, as well as modern Christianity. The Jews, mostly peaceful, to begin with, were unimportant when the empire builders began. In the time of Alexander, the Northern Kingdom, a.k.a., Israel, had been decimated, and were no longer a threat to anyone. Having merged with Judah, they still were not a threat to anyone. However, Alexander went through Canaan, and most likely through the Jews too, though common history is quiet about what may or may not have happened with them in his time.

But when Alexander died young, three of his generals split up his kingdom. As far as the Jews were concerned, Egypt then under the Ptolemies, and the eastern end under the Seleucids, and Judah, along with Canaan, was stuck between them as the two generals squabbled over Syria, further to the north of Judah for over a century. What that had to mean was that the Jews were ping-ponged as wars raged, and rulers changed. What set off Jewish history, and led to Christianity, was a Seleucid king, Antiochus IV Epiphanes, who tried to change how the Jews worshiped in the Temple.

By that time, the Jewish religion, all that the Jews had to hold onto as their own, had taken hold, and they rebelled sometime in the 160s BCE. This, the author also said, and what Alba's friend said was, according to researchers, when the Book of Daniel was written. Daniel therefore was fictitious for the resurrection had it's origins with it. Bolstering this was that the Pharisees had their beginnings in this time too, and they believed in the resurrection. Paul, as a Pharisee, also believed in the resurrection.

The Jews rebelled, ultimately won in some part, and had their temple back. They established the festival of Hanukkah, said to be the one festival not ordained by God. The upshot was that the Jews also set another precedent by naming a High Priest that was not of priestly origin, and that, coupled with some greed that set in, brought about more wars, but this time it was Jew against Jew, and changes in high priests. Those times were loaded with change and much suffering, along with brother against brother.

I hadn't gotten into the other book on heresies enough to see if it had more to say on this, but my suspicions were more than increasing on the validity of the bible. For sure, I was scratching my mental head more and more, and Alba was becoming more interested in my research.

And my nightmares were less and less in interrupting my sleep and dreams.

Soon, I hoped, I would learn more in my other book, and learn how all of this impacted Christianity, but it was certainly beginning to jell in me.

By the next Friday, I thought it was time to test whether my learning actually was the reason why my nightmares seemed to have ended. Was my demon, or demons, truly a thing of the past?

Chapter 11

"Hi, I'm Belinda, remember me?" I heard then saw the poor girl I had left frightened on the dance floor the last time I was in the club.

"Hi, Belinda; sure I remember you," I quickly said with a smile I hoped was appropriate.

"Are you okay now?" she asked.

"I hope so."

"What happened," she asked so softly as if inquiring about a state secret?

"A virus of some kind or another, I guess. Seems to be gone."

She brightened visibly. "Oh, good, maybe we can finish our dance then?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, I'd like that if you're up to it."

"Yes. God, you're so hot; I worried about you."

"Maybe you were too hot yourself," I teased her with a coy smile.

She blushed happily. "Yeah, maybe you made me too hot."

It wasn't long before we were on the dance floor.

"Mm, I so was tempted to ask you to come home with me," she said as she snuggled as deep into me as she thought she could get away with.

"You sound dangerous," I kidded her as I waited to see if my demon would reappear.

"You're dangerous, to me anyway. If my girlfriend wasn't due back tomorrow evening, I'd try to get you to come home with me."

I chuckled.

Then, as she wiggled against me, she shivered. "Oh, god, I think I just came," she said, and as I pulled back slightly, I looked at her face which had turned crimson, but maybe more with her pleasure than as just a common blush.

"You get like that so easy?" I prodded her impishly.

She hid her face in me, and nodded, but murmured some happy noises.

"I think your girlfriend is going to be very pleased with you when she comes back," I teased her more.

"Yeah, I think so; I hope so."

No demons!

I was happy, then I wondered, then I felt my anger try to rise in me, and all swift as can be, but I blocked the anger as soon as I felt it. Maybe I had good reason to be angry.

The dance over, she quickly gave me a kiss too near my lips. "Think we can dance again?"

"Remember that stuff about being dangerous? Maybe you're too dangerous for me. Then again, maybe some of the others would love to know the sweetness that's so readily in you. I bet you'd make them happy too," I added that last word.

"Hmpf! That's the sweetest turn down ever," she tried to pout, but was too happy, and smiled almost immediately.

"What, that's it?" Alba kidded me.

"Her girlfriend is due back tomorrow," I dead panned.

"Hey, how was it?" she whispered, and I knew she meant my demon.

"MIA, thank goodness. Thank you, I think you've been right all along."

"I'm glad, hon," she said, looking into my eyes and touching my hand lightly.

Reba came by shortly and asked how I was, then we danced a time or two.

"Girl, you burn me up. Now get out of here before I drag you back to the lady's room for a quickie or two," she said more than half seriously I thought.

"You're good for a girl's ego. Thanks."

"Aw, go on, scram before I change my mind," she said getting her composure back

I returned to the table with a small smile trying to play on my face.

"What's that all about?"

I told her. "Hmm, maybe you should have pushed it and come back and told me how juicy her tits really are," she said with a lecherous smile.

"I'm sure she'd like to show you," I laughed lightly.

"Yeah, I've thought of it, but purely as a scientific research project," she fibbed. "You know, just to report to the committee."

"God, Alba, you're outrageous."

"Well, they're kinda grand, ain't they?" she asked as if serious, no smile anywhere trying to play on her face.

I nodded. "That they are. If you decide to find out, let me know the results will you?"

She pursed her lips and nodded. She was in rare form for the moment.

* * * *

Once home, I was anxious to get back to my new learning project. An attempt was made to make me melancholy over possibly having lost the chance and ability to coax Cerise into changing her mind and staying with me. However I was too into learning about how things may truly have been as I grew up in the church, and not just what the preacher wanted us to think.

The book of Daniel being a cornerstone of the resurrection theme while being a fake book of prophecy was burning in me to learn more about it all. Going to my other book n heresies, I began again, but it was late. I vowed to spend more time on it in the morning when my mind was rested.

The recurring thoughts of my times with Cerise had my libido roar to life. Before I knew it, my fingers were between my legs and finding my clitoris was already moistened. Gently stroking it as my thoughts of Cerise continued, an orgasm of pure pleasure flooded my being with sensations that were so sweet I could almost taste their sensual deliciousness. Hearing myself moaning with pleasure as my hips squirmed, my thoughts went on and on, and so did my orgasms. My thoughts had been so real feeling to me that I nearly deluded myself into thinking she was in bed with me.

"God, Cerise, I love you so much," I whispered softly as I drifted off to sleep, and blessedly, no demons. Though she was probably lost to me, the knowledge that my love won't die had me hoping that maybe someday I'd find her again. She was all I wanted, everything my heart and love needed.

* * * *

Once again Alba's friend called and gave her more to investigate. Before we did that, I went over what I had read so far, then we set to checking out the new items.

"She said to look up Mark, chapter 9, verse 1 and see where they report Jesus saying that some there with him that wouldn't see death until the Kingdom of God was seen and the same thing in Matthew 17, verse 28. Then compare them with Matthew, 17, verse 34; Mark 13, verse 30; and Luke 21, verse 32."

We checked them and they all said essentially the same thing: that the end times would be coming before the end of his generation. We knew that that hadn't happened yet, and worse, I had heard a part of it, but never that it hadn't come; rather it was still to come. The part of Jesus' coming before the end of his generation was never mentioned.

As I thought of it, an anger began to boil up in me. Alba saw it.

"Easy, hon. It looks like they've fucked with this shit and not told the whole thing by the look on your face. Let's look at the rest she gave us on this stuff."

We were to look up I Thessalonians, 4, verses 16 and 17, then look up II Thessalonians, 2, verses 2 and 3. After we'd done that, my fledgling anger wasn't abated, rather it was stoked.

"The one here contradicts the other," I said in a near rage, as well as outrage.

Alba was smiling.

"What?" I snapped in my anger. "It's all the same thing except this last that contradicts what all the others said before it."

"She said that is because since that coming said to be predicted by Jesus didn't come to pass, someone wrote this second Thessalonians as a cover up for the failures mentioned before. Hell of a thing, isn't it?"

"Damn it, Alba, it's more than just a hell of a thing. What if these preachers knew of this. I don't doubt that some were, and are, as ignorant as gnats, but a lot of them aren't, I bet. They've been deceiving us, lying, damn it," I swore again, which was all so unlike me.

"It wouldn't matter so much, but in your case, it doesn't meld with what your mind and body say you are in contradiction to what the bible says. Jeez, hon, that's shitty, but you're getting past them and the problem they shoved on you. All I can say is to keep learning."

"Oh, I will, Alba, but it rankles me no end thinking that if I hadn't had this habit pushed on me that maybe I'd have treated with Cerise differently. I know this crap—and yes, it's crap—had me acting in a way that kept me from fighting for her."

I couldn't help it, I broke down and cried. Alba was quick to hold me, and speak soft comforting words. There wasn't a finer friend to be had in the world than Alba. When I had settled down, she had me to sleep. We'd pick up on this in the morning.

More tears seeped out as I tried to sleep, my mind turning to Cerise again as my heart sorrowed at her leaving me. I knew it wasn't her fault; she was just doing as had been put in her too, and that made me feel worse. Still, I remembered once more the joys we'd had, how we reveled in our love. I felt that I was tasting her love as it came forth from her pussy and my tongue lapped it up and savored it. I moaned as my own pussy squirmed with my love flowing to her lips, but that must have been a dream.

Chapter 12

"Did you sleep well?" Alba worried on me; it showed on her face, mine not looking so good from the stress and tensions.

"Actually, I did though I may not look like it," I said trying to smile and barely succeeding.

We had coffee in virtual silence, then some breakfast. After we'd cleaned up and were working on another cup of coffee, we finally talked. I had to go into the research I was doing.

"Alba, where does your friend get her information from?"

"Good question. She knows another girl, Cate, who became part of a group that was started by a lady, Liv, I think they called her. Anyway, this Liv did her own research, or mostly so, from what I gather, and she started a class about what she called the truth of the lies."

"So? Give me more, please," I pleaded.

"Yeah, I was just thinking. Anyway, the classes proved very effective—too effective, I take it because some nut killed her. So my friend, another psychologist, Myrtle, got this from Cate. This Cate, by the way, has a couple of PhDs, so she's no dummy."

"Hmm, wish I knew her. She's passed on some good points.

* * * *

For the next few weeks, I didn't go to the club. It must have satisfied me that learning about what was taught to me as a child was false as far as I could tell so far, and if not for that teaching, there probably wouldn't have been the confusion and conflict like I had that was almost debilitating. Maybe I'd have picked up some of the problems from how culture says we should be, but I didn't think it would be anything like what I did have tormenting me.

For me, for the present, learning seemed to be what I needed—learning what the so-called truth of the lies was, I guess, for it was working and stopping my nightmares, and those day time ones too.

What all I was learning was that after the apostles, Paul in particular, there was no real authoritative person to guide the early church. A lack of books by any of the apostles—Paul's letter excepted—may have hindered what was supposed to be the truth. There were those who knew some of the apostles, but they apparently picked up pieces of this and that, but it was a faith that developed as the big thing with them. Still, there were some early thinkers from the second century after Jesus that came up with some thoughts of what had to be what, or so they thought—and squabbled. Their squabbles were enough to where there were long distance shouting matches about who was right, and what was right to think. In other words, what was proper, or orthodox, and what was heresy.

They also had a huge question of just what Jesus was, or is: divine period, human period, but given a special mission later on by God, or both human and divine at one and the same time. The upshot was that it was all like a mental kids game, for none could say with definitive proof that any of them were right. That particular difference of opinion went on for centuries even after it was voted on as being similar to what we now have.

There were also fights about who had power over who, and later, which books were to be labeled as canon—scripture. These fights went on until Constantine made them pull together after about three hundred years. Still, no canon was accepted by all. The upshot of that was that no one knew who wrote most of them; they pretty much guessed at what looked holy from God, and what wasn't—but for the most part, they had no idea. At all of this, my anger started to show itself. How, I wondered, did we come to any of this? That, unfortunately, was easy to answer, if unbelievably so. There were far too many ignorant people who just wanted to believe in something that gave them hope—hope for more than the miserable lives they led.

If not for Constantine, Christianity may not have made it. It survived by the grace of circumstance, and definitely not by any grace from God. What came into my mind as a new question was whether or not Jesus really lived, and if he did, how many of the words we have that he is said to have spoken, were really his. There were so many errors in the bible that I had to wonder if any were really his words. That saying, or those sayings about his coming again soon were enough to make me wonder at all of it, not to mention the book of Daniel being a huge lie. That resurrection and a heavenly existence after we ended our earthly existence was now looking more and more like a fable.

Yes, I was angry. How could all of this gone on for two thousand years? Only ignorance, and then total acceptance due to that ignorance and the way anyone who questioned it was burned at the stake, and sometimes alive answered that, and subservience that became ingrained answered the rest. Cultural subservience, and a celebration of phony holidays to keep us blinded.

I felt my tears again, but they were quiet ones as a sadness engulfed me.

* * * *

"So, are you going tonight?" Alba asked me as it was Friday again.

A part of me wanted to go, but I was too down.

"No, I don't think so."

"Honey, I know this has all bothered you so much that you can't stand it, but you have to live a little every now and then."

"You're right, but no thanks. Maybe next time."

"Damn it, you're letting this get you the same as it did before you started on it."

I smiled wanly. "No, not quite; at least I don't have the nightmares. This too shall end," I quoted philosophically."

"Oh, crap. Okay, hon," she said and gave me a huge, warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Find you a real cute and sweet femme," I said with a better smile.

"Yeah. You get over this—they're not worth it," she said before she left.

Not giving in to the ennui that tried to grip me, I went back to reading. Something in the heretic book struck me: the intelligentsia of the church was all in the Middle East and North Africa. How was it that the church in Rome, one of the latest, if not the latest church, got away with claiming with success, that it was the principal church with power over all the others? They outright claimed that from sometime in the 200s CE if not before, and then, by virtue, they said, of Paul being martyred there, and the same for Peter, or so they claimed, from whom they said that the keys to the kingdom were passed on to them.

If what I read was true, that was ridiculous for they had hardly any representation at the Nicene Council that Constantine called wherein many things were settled. Also, in a different vein, the great writers, that is, what are commonly called the Church Fathers, had some prolific writers, though much of it was railing at the so-called heretics, but no one doing any research for proofs of what they said.

The evening finally ended, and it was the time we usually returned from the club, I heard Alba returning, but she didn't come right in.

"Hope you're not in bed yet cause you've got company," she said, her voice having an unusual tone of playfulness in it.

Walking to the entrance, I saw a smug like grin on her face. Then someone else came in.

My head began to spin, and my heart was trying to leap out of my breast as I tried to breathe, breath that was suddenly in very short supply.. Looking at her, I saw a timid gladness on her face. As I began to move toward her, slowly at first, then fast, she rushed into my arms to take my kiss. Somehow Cerise had found me, but how or why I didn't know, and I didn't care, only that she was in my arms.