Marilyn was My Wife's First

"I am actually not supposed to be drinking. Seizure medication. Pass me the bottle opener though, it's not like it's going to kill me. Hehehehe. I just wanted to talk one on one about my boys. I know Marilyn is committed to being a great mother to them, as she always has. I just need to hear from you with respect to your commitment. Once I sell my business, their future will be secure regardless. I just want to know, how much do you want to be a part of their lives after I am gone?"

"Andy, I would be honored to step in and embrace your boys fully as their stepfather. With your permission, I would even want to go so far as to legally adopt them. I want them, and you to know that even if, god forbid something was to ever happen to Marilyn, your boys will always have a home with me as their stepfather."

Andy sat back on his chair to process that. He stood up, and so did Bryan. Andy gave Bryan a hug and shed a few heavy tears. No further words needed to be exchanged on this topic. He knew Bryan was sincere.

Andy quickly finished his beer and asked for another. "Now, as what I asked you over to talk about is out of the way, I guess it's only fair that I might have one final request"

Bryan had an idea this time of what was coming. Andy had come to him to express his frustrations with me before. For a final time, it seemed like he was seeking more than an outlet for frustration - he was seeking permission.

"Go ahead, Andy."

"I know that Marilyn is fully committed to your marriage. A while back, I recognized that you had won her heart, and I needed to more fully relinquish any lingering claims to her body. The truth is, I have never stopped loving Marilyn. Not the day I discovered she was cheating on me. Not the day I asked her to leave or found out she had moved in with you. And definitely not any of the days I have managed to capture her attention since. Bryan, as her loving husband, I am asking you to treasure your wife, hold her, love her, and never let her forget me after I'm gone."

I think Bryan was a little surprised there wasn't more attached to this statement.

"Is there anything else?"

Andy smiled. "Bryan, it would definitely be a dream to spend the night one more time with Marilyn. But I can't ask her to do that. And I am not going to ask you, either. Your commitment to honor my family once I am gone is more than any man in my position could hope to ask for."

Bryan stood up and embraced Andy once again. They both had tears in their eyes as Bryan began the walk home.

The Long Goodbye

I was on pins and needles waiting for Bryan's return. He briefly recounted the conversation to me.

"And...that's all there is? What is he doing about his business? When is he going to talk to me?"

"Actually, none of that was ever discussed. He said he wanted to spend another night with you - I guess I expected something like that all along. But, he wasn't willing to ask you for it. I feel like his intentions were pretty clear. Is this something you want too?"

"No. I mean...no..." I guess my voice trailed off

"Honey. In a few months all of this will be different. We will have the boys and be a family 100% of the time, the six of us. I would never have wanted it to come together this way. Whatever happens between now and then really isn't concerning to me. My focus is on building our family, the six of us together, once Andy is gone. Then, for the first time, I will be able to confidently relax knowing both you and our family are finally all mine."

I walked out of the room and away from Bryan. My emotions were out of control, and I felt at risk of saying the wrong thing. Part of me wanted to remember Andy the way he was, the way he always was. Not the way he is now. And, Bryan was right. We did have a lot to navigate to secure our family's future. Did I really need another distraction?

I didn't sleep at all that night. Or the next. And only a little bit the night after that. I guess I knew I was running out of time. Eventually, time would run out altogether and fate would catch up to me. It always had.

Until it hadn't. I woke up early the next morning to find a one word text message from Andy.

"Tonight"

He really didn't need to elaborate. The message was clearly received. I could have ignored it. I didn't. Instead, I decided to signal to Bryan before doing anything I would have the remainder of my lifetime to regret.

"Bryan - Andy reached out and signaled he needed some help tonight. I've decided to answer his call." As usual, I am waiting for his abrupt reaction. The jealousy. The snide comment calling me a slut or the zebra whose stripes just never change. Instead, Bryan came over and gave me a deep, smothering hug.

"Andy asked me to love and protect you forever after he is gone. Once that time comes Marilyn, I want to let you know I will never, ever let you go again. Make tonight a night to remember, for both of you."

I spent the day preparing for this like it was the most important night of my life. Nails, hair. I took an extensive shower to shave all of my lady bits. In the past, I always took a nondescript walk of shame with my hair in a ponytail and a sweatshirt on. Tonight, after the girls were safely tucked in bed, I came down the stairs in my black dress and high heels.

Bryan once again greeted me with a wolf whistle. I blushed.

"Marilyn, I love you. Give Andy your best."

I gave Bryan a deep, lingering kiss on the lips. "I love you honey. Thank you."

Andy greeted me at the door. The boys were downstairs. He did a double take, and said "I can't let them see you like this." He pointed me up the stairs to wait in his bedroom, while he gathered them for bed.

It was about an hour before he entered the bedroom to join me. He closed and locked the door.

"Marilyn, I need to tell you that I can feel my body failing. I can't promise that I will be the man that you recognize anymore. I really just wanted to spend one final time with you, while I have the opportunity. And, by the way...my eyes are working just fine. My god, I like what I see."

Andy and I hadn't been intimate since my augmentation and tummy tuck. I hadn't looked this good since our honeymoon. I decided not to waste any more time. I seductively reached back and unzipped my black dress and let it fall to the floor. My breasts remained contained in a black lace bra, but I wasn't wearing any panties.

Andy took me by the hands and kissed me deeply. He led me, cautiously and deliberately to his bed. Suddenly, it occurred to me his coordination and balance seemed to be seriously lacking. It made me shudder a bit with respect for things inevitably to come. On a table next to the bed was a small jewelry box. Inside, contained my wedding and engagement rings from Andy that I had returned as part of our divorce settlement years before.

Andy took hold of the box, got unsteadily on one knee and asked "Marilyn. You were my wife first. Would you do me the honor of being my wife again tonight, for the final time?" A tear rolled off my cheek as I wasn't expecting anything like this. Andy wasn't the romantic type. Apparently he's learned a thing or two from watching Bryan over the years.

I removed Bryan's rings from my hand and Andy carefully replaced them with his. I looked into his eyes as he unsteadily stood and asked him to make love to me.

Things progressed quickly from there. I laid face down in the bed and he entered me from behind, and found me more than ready to accommodate him. Whether it was the medication, or the gravity of the moment, Andy was now a slow and deliberate lover. Not at all as I remembered him from the past. We were together for nearly a half hour, the longest I could remember. I was worried Andy might not be able to orgasm, but eventually he rose for a dramatic climax. He easily brought me with him. We lay in bed together for another hour, just cuddling and recovering when he asked if I was ready to fall asleep. I wasn't ready to leave and he didn't want to let me go. We managed another longer, slower, even gentler second round. Andy's climax was pretty weak the second time, and while pleasurable for me, I had to disguise the fact I couldn't fully orgasm again.

We ultimately fell asleep cuddling together in each other's arms. I didn't awaken until 5:30 in the morning when the first streaks of light passed through his window. I needed to make my exit. I didn't want the boys to wake up and find their parents in bed together, they were far enough along to know what that meant and had enough on their plates reckoning with their fathers decline. I exchanged my jewelry and slipped my dress back on. Damn I wish I had brought a change of clothes here!

Andy was still in bed. He looked peaceful. I gave him a goodbye kiss. I couldn't linger without getting emotional and I needed to go. I was back home, showered, changed and ready for my day before the girls were ever out of bed.

I couldn't stop thinking about how difficult the days to come were going to be for everyone. To get my mind off of things I went to work. Errands. Groceries. Whatever I could do to keep myself busy. I was rushing home to start the evening shuttle of sports practices and kids activities when I noticed Andy's truck missing from his driveway. That was odd, as he wasn't supposed to be driving anywhere. Somehow I tried to put that out of my mind.

I dropped the boys off at home after sports practice. Andy and his truck were still nowhere to be found. I followed the boys into the house, and it was clear Andy wasn't there. His laptop was in his office but his backpack was missing. I went back into his office and found a white envelope on his desk with my name in his handwriting. Suddenly, I was overcome with fear with what I might discover upon opening the envelope.

"Marilyn - Please take care of our boys, your girls, and Bryan. I want you to enjoy the life I always imagined for us. In the meantime, I will be your loving husband in eternity. Love now, always and forever. Andy."

In the corner of the paper were handwritten coordinates. 38.xxN 121.xxW. I had no idea what that meant. I punched the numbers into my search app and a map appeared of a nearby state park. I gasped at the implications.

I dialed 911 and struggled with what to say. Eventually I explained my ex-husband was terminally ill and had fled his house. He left a note referencing the location in the state park. I asked if an officer could be dispatched to that location and see if he could be found there. The dispatcher said she would try and have an available officer check the area as soon as she could.

An hour passed and nothing happened. I started making dinner for the boys in Andy's kitchen, attempting to relay what I found to Bryan. He didn't have much to say. Another half hour later, an unmarked police car pulled in front of the house. Another unmarked and then a marked car turned and parked closer to Bryan's. I started sobbing, overwhelmed with the knowledge that whatever was about to happen, it wasn't going to be good.

The detective approached the door and asked if he could come in. He introduced himself as Investigator Callahan and asked for my identification. I provided my drivers license and he used his phone to call one of the other officers. He enunciated my name "Marilyn Collins-Randall" and asked if the address was current. He observed my home address on the license against Andy Collins home address. A sly smile crept across his face, which I recognized almost as quickly as it slipped away.

Callahan asked if we could speak privately. I asked the boys to head to the basement and we sat together in the living room. A uniformed officer came through the door and my nerves hit the highest level yet.

"Mrs. Collins-Randall, we've been able to locate your ex-husband, Andy Collins. I regret to inform you, when we found him, he was deceased. The investigation remains underway, but we found a 2018 Bowtie model 2500 truck parked nearby, registered to an "Andy's Home Services, Inc."

Between tears, I replied "that is Andy's truck."

"The vehicle was found unlocked with the keys inside. Taped to the steering wheel was an envelope." The message inside read as follows:

"Would whoever discovers this note, please inform Dr. Robert Frown that Dr. Sig Sour was able to operate and successfully remove the tumor."

I smiled. And then I began laughing out loud. And then I began crying, hysterically. Andy had ended his life with a single gunshot wound to the head. Even in his final moments, his dry sense of humor prevailed. And, he remained 100% in control, to the absolute heartbreaking end.

I texted Bryan to bring the girls and come over. We were going to need to talk to the boys, and I wanted us together. Tonight would be the beginning of our journey to try and heal together as a completely unified family.

The Collins-Randall Future

Andy was dead, aged 52. I was now 42. Bryan is 35. With any luck, I had a lot of time ahead of me with Bryan and our 4 children.

The sale of Andy's Home Services was completed in the months following his funeral. Andy's will was clear. 50% of the proceeds from the sale were to be distributed to the employees pro-rated by their years of service. His longest tenured employees overnight became millionaires. 25% would be distributed to a trust, reserved for the boys, and not accessible before their 21st birthdays. 20% would come to me, as dictated in our original divorce settlement. The remaining 5% would go to a trust for Claire and Camryn, earmarked for education, wedding expenses and investment for their first houses in adulthood.

The fact he reserved anything for the girls came as an overwhelming surprise to Bryan and I. Bryan in particular, was touched. I felt like it was a just reprisal for Andy's attitude towards Claire when she was first in utero. Clearly there were no hard feelings.

The boys already had a room of their own in my marital home with Bryan. The girls had no such accommodation in the Collins house. We set about on renovations immediately. Bryan and I agreed that we would never again be apart as a family, and we would split time between the houses for now to keep the boys as comfortable as possible. The master bedroom, the spot where Andy and I were intimate as husband and wife for the later years of our marriage, and then episodically thereafter, would be turned into an ensuite for the girls - Bryan and I could never, ever imagine sharing that space together a single night as an intimate couple. The boys would keep their rooms. We renovated the guest room to become our new marital bedroom when spending time in the Collins home. I had the walls, the floor and ceiling soundproofed and an extra lock installed on the door. We were going to have teenage sons soon enough, and I wasn't at all ready to stop trying to wear my second husband out.

Bryan kept his promises to Andy regarding the boys adoption, and treatment of me as his loving wife. Andy jr. and Harry accepted Bryan as their full stepfather over time, and eventually just their adopted father. Bryan cherished them indistinguishably from his own biological daughters.

After several years, we sold the Collins home when the boys departed for college. As I approach 50 years old, Bryan and I are beginning to look forward to the time when the girls would be through school and we could finally become empty nesters. I have reached my natural perimenopause, and while my sex drive is slowly evolving to a shadow of its lustful past, Bryan continues to worship the ground I walk on. I remain deeply committed and fully in love with my husband to this day.

Our hearts remain broken, but full.

Marilyn

Author's note - no less than 1 in 8 will contract a sexually sensitive cancer in their lifetime. Fortunately, the majority of these diagnoses come later in life, at a time when sexual side effects from treatment are less bothersome, and potentially inconsequential to any relationship with a life partner.

Unfortunately, these cancers also commonly strike in the prime of life, especially for women affected by breast cancer. While the effects of hormone suppression treatments are objectively less profound for women vs. men, they are frequently just as disruptive to a woman's overall quality of life and relationships. Ultimately, better and more targeted therapies must be developed that do not require outright manipulation of life altering hormones in order to control or cure these common and deadly diseases.

My deep respect for couples of all ages navigating these challenges together.