Massage Mat Ch. 08

"Meg, don't...I can't..." Leah stammered, interrupting her.

"Leah, I love you," Meg cried out, embracing her once again. "Can't you see how much I love you? You are...perfect...we're just so perfect together...this is one of those things that is just meant to be...surely you can see that, can't you?" Leah worked herself free from Meg's embrace and sat back. She took a minute to collect herself then looked directly at Meg.

"Meg, you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't hear what I'm saying—so I'll try this once more, and then give up," she began. "Yes. I enjoyed kissing...and more...with you. But I don't feel what you think I feel. I don't have the same kind of feelings for you that you do for me. You're a great friend and I like hanging out with you, but that's it. I don't love you the way I love Jas... " she caught herself. "Oh, fuck. I don't love you the way you love me," she added quickly. "I'm sorry because I know this hurts, but that's the truth."

Meg looked at her with the saddest look. "She's so sad," Leah thought to herself. She wanted to go and comfort Meg, but realized that would only make matters more complicated. She got up and dressed quickly. Picking up her jacket, she headed for the door.

"Then get out of here and don't come back. Ever," said Meg in a quivering voice, "It's so painful for me, Leah. It hurts so much."

"Bye, Meg."

"Goodbye, number 11."

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Leah put on her windbreaker and headed outside, just thankful to be away from yet another gut-wrenching scene. The sun had gone down and it was cold and windy. Her light jacket wasn't much help against the wind, and she knew it was almost 10 miles back to her house. She wasn't about to go back and ask Meg for a ride, though.

"You can do anything if you put your mind to it," she reminded herself. Well, she thought ruefully, look where that philosophy had got her so far.

She started walking along the dark, deserted highway. She checked her phone. It glowed comfortingly. 10:23 PM. It would be about two hours' walk at a good clip, and with luck she'd be safely tucked in her own warm bed by 1 AM. She walked faster.

After a half hour or so the wind picked up and a cold, steady rain began pelting down. She was quickly soaked to the skin and her wet jacket gave her no protection from the merciless wind. She had reached the open valley and it was so dark that she could barely see the road she was walking on. Animals howled menacingly in the distance.

Leah began to shiver uncontrollably. She began to sob, angry with herself, angry with Meg, angry with her father, and angry with Jas...

"Why can't I just be normal?" she cried into the unheeding wind. "I just want to be normal. I just want to love..." She began to run, screaming with frustration. "I want to be normal," she shouted over and over.

In a few minutes, she was exhausted. She stopped, knowing that she would never make it back if she didn't get a grip on herself. She took out her phone again. 11:07. Well, she had probably covered a couple of miles during her run. She continued on, holding her phone. The road stretched ahead endlessly. Well, fuck them all, she thought.

She walked, determined to show them all that she didn't need them. She could do it herself. She could do anything if she put her mind to it. Of course she could. But this. Out here? She was so alone in this hostile world. She felt very small and fragile.

She thought of calling her father to come help her...then she remembered that he was in Europe. What a shame, she thought, just when we were getting things straightened out between us, it all has to end.

She looked at her phone again. 11:41. Her fingers were wrinkled from the rain and numb with cold. She was shivering constantly. For the first time, she became afraid that she might die before she reached safety. She thought of joining her mother in heaven, and she began to cry.

"Mom, I'm so scared," she cried out loud, "I'm so...lost. I don't know what to do. Help me please. Please, God, help me."

Before she could think, she found herself fiddling with her phone again. As though she were watching from a distance, she saw Jason's number appear. She watched her finger press "call." How silly, she thought to herself. And useless. He won't answer. He never...

He answered on the second ring.

"Leah?" she heard his voice. It sounded so...normal. She began crying again. "Leah? Are you there?" she heard again.

"Yes," she found herself saying, her voice quivering, "I'm here. I could use a little help."

"Are you ok?" Jason asked, suddenly concerned.

"Yes, of course...well, sort of. No, actually, I'm not ok," she finally answered truthfully, "I'm stuck here on Route 47 about 5 miles from town and I have to walk back and it's raining and fucking freezing. Jason, I'm so cold I don't know if I can make it all the way back...help me please help me..." she rambled on, finally dissolving into sobs.

"Leah, listen to me," Jason said firmly, "You can do this. You know you can do this. You just have keep going. You know, get knocked on your ass, get up and keep fighting. You've just got to stay in the game and keep fighting." She sniffled.

"Stay in the game?" she asked bitterly, "What for? I want...it doesn't matter what I want. I'm so sick of my sick life...Jason, I just want to be normal...I...fuck...I can't talk to you about this." She heard a scuffling sound on the other end of the phone. "What was that?" she asked.

"I fell," Jason replied, "Fucking banged my knee pretty good too. Goddamn. Anyway, Leah, yes you can. You can talk to me about anything. And by the way, you're not the only one who wishes they had a normal life, you know? Some other people have fucking messed up lives too."

"Yeah, but they like their fucked up lives. I hate mine. I want to die, Jason...I want to be with my mom...at peace. And so why am I trying to save my sorry ass walking through this goddamn freezing monsoon? Huh? So I can spend the rest of my life crying? You...you motherfucker..." she sobbed, then stopped herself. "Jason, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that like... Oh, Christ. I can't even swear at you like normal. Goddamn you to hell." She heard a splash.

"Motherfucker. Well, that about hits the nail on the head, doesn't it?" Jason replied ruefully, "There's nothing like fucking your mother to screw up every chance of having a decent life, is there?"

"Yeah there is," Leah replied bitterly, "Try fucking your father sometime. It's just as genius a way to fuck up your life."

"We are sure a couple of twisted losers aren't we?" Jason asked bitterly. "By the way, where are you?"

"Where am I?" she shouted into the phone. "Where the fuck do you think I am? I'm on the goddamn highway. I'm fucking lost and freezing to death."

"But where?" Jason persisted.

"How the fuck do I know?" came the withering reply, "I can't even see my fucking feet, much less anything around me."

"Try to pick out a landmark if you can," Jason said calmly. "By the way, you're swearing a lot again." In spite of herself, Leah laughed.

"Yeah, I think this is another one of my unladylike moments. Sorry." There was a pause. "You know, I always feel better when I talk to you," she added.

"Better be careful there...you don't want to get too...em...er...th...cause..."

"Jason? You're breaking up. Jason?" Leah cried frantically. There was a beep and she got the "Call was lost" message. She called him back several times, but there was just a click then his voicemail. "Goddamn you, answer," she pleaded, "Please, please, answer." She was crying again, "Please," she said softly.

She felt even more alone now. She kept walking, but the wind and rain were remorseless and she quickly lost the courage she had gained talking to Jason. She continued on and on through the unceasing rain and wind. She at least wanted to see Jason one more time before...

She again became aware of the howling animals. They seemed to be coming closer. In the dark she could see nothing; she could only hear the howling and baying of the predators. Sensing one sneaking up behind her, she kicked her foot out viciously. Nothing. She kicked in another direction. Again, nothing. Where are they? she wondered. She could feel them closing in around her.

Suddenly a dog began barking. It was right next to her, close and terrifying. In the darkness, it sounded vicious, deadly. She raised her hand to strike out.

And realized that it was her phone...Jason's ringtone. The dog barking. She answered it eagerly. "Jason?" she cried out.

"Sorry about that. I hit a dead spot," he apologized. Leah took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Don't let that happen again, or I'll get mad at you," Leah quipped.

"Shit. We can't let that happen," Jason panted, "You might tell me to go fuck my mother or something like that."

"Jason, I..." Leah suddenly felt the urge to apologize.

"I know," he interrupted, "Neither one of us was in very good form, but I was a complete dick." He paused. "Leah, I'm really sorry for what I said. And I don't think you need to apologize for standing up for yourself. What do you say we just give each other a 'get out of jail free' card on that one?"

"I'd like that," Leah said softly.

"OK. It's a deal," Jason said simply. How was he able to make complicated things seem so simple? she wondered.

"Besides if you told me to fuck my mother, you never know what might happen," he added mirthlessly.

"Jason, that's not even funny," Leah said.

"No it's not, but it's true, unfortunately," he added. "By the way, can you see any landmarks yet?"

"No, nothing really. Wait. I think I see a gas station up ahead. That's good, it's a sign of civilization," she said.

"Is it a BP station?" Jason asked.

"Yes, how did you know that?" Leah replied, baffled. She stopped.

"Well, can you see anything else?" he asked.

"No, there isn't anything...wait a minute..." Leah began sobbing again. "I mean, there's some idiot standing out in the rain waving his fucking arms at me...did you mean anything else besides that? Oh fuck you, Jason Miller ice hockey."

She ran to him as fast as her legs would carry her. She hit him at full speed, wrapping her arms tightly around him. The contact was harder than he had ever been hit in a game, but he relished every tooth-rattling, bone-crunching millisecond of it. Quite a girl.

He grabbed her and squeezed her. Hard. For one instant they looked into each other's eyes, then they kissed. It felt like the first time. And it felt like they had done it all their lives. After a long time, Leah pulled away.

"Fuck you. I want to be normal. I want to love you forever, Jason Miller ice hockey," she cried, "And I want you to love me." Jason began crying.

"I want to be normal, too," he said, "And I want to love you forever, Leah Rubin women's lacrosse. And I want to make 10,000 Jewish babies with you." Leah kissed him, then pulled away again.

"We can't do that," she said suddenly.

"Why not?" he asked, crushed.

"Because our kids will only by half Jewish. You're pretty solidly Goyim, you know," Leah said with a giggle.

"No problem. We'll just need to make 20,000 of them to compensate," Jason replied whimsically. Leah's brow furrowed as she considered that.

"We'd better get started, then," she said simply. "Let's hurry back."

Jason took her hand, but they didn't hurry. They just walked back. Together.