My Michelle

Haley looked at me in shock as I tried to get as far away from her as I could.

"I was good enough for you to fuck when you thought I was Michelle, but now that you know I'm not, I revolt you." She said, her voice dripping with anger now.

"What do you expect, I was married to her, not you."

"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." She said as her voice softened.

"I don't know what to think. I'm really confused, but I'm also very hurt. I lost Michelle once and now it's as though I'm losing her again."

"You aren't the only one who lost her Lee, I did too. I'm sure it's hard for you to understand, but when she died I did as well. Maybe not physically, but my death was just as real as if the bullet had pierced my body. She lives in my memory probably more so than even in yours. I don't want to lose any of that, and it hasn't been easy, but I'm learning to live with it and to move on with my life. That's all I want for you, all I ever intended even though I know now that I haven't done a very good job of it."

Haley was shivering and holding herself now, I could see just how upset she was talking about this. I guess I hadn't taken the time to think about others who had lost something the day Michelle died. Thinking about what she told me started to make some sense. Being an identical twin, each one half of the whole, her loss must've been just as great as my own.

Haley continued to tremble as she had wrapped her arms tightly about herself, she was sobbing softly and no longer looking toward me. I didn't want to hurt her and with a little bit of thought, realized that I had loved her as a sister for as long as I had known Michelle. Somehow I knew we had to get through this, her words that Michelle wouldn't want us to lose what we had were now echoing in my head. I don't know why she did what she did, I wasn't sure how she expected her actions to save me from myself, but I realized that her intentions were good as she had stated. I slid back across the sofa and put my arm around her shoulders, gently pulling her toward me. This time she didn't resist, simply allowing me to pull her tight to my body although she didn't stop her crying. Her body was shivering and shaking and I didn't know how to help her.

"I'm sorry Haley, I guess I didn't realize just how hard this was on you too."

"I never wanted to hurt you Lee..." She managed between sniffles.

"I can see how hard this has been on you, it's been hard on both of us. I know my emotions have been taking too much control of my life, and I can imagine yours have as well. Let's try to go over things again, this time more calmly without any repercussions toward the other. Think we can do this?" I tried asking her softly.

"I'd like to try." She said as she looked up, her tears starting to slow.

After another minute her tears had stopped, although her face was a wet mess as she sat looking into my eyes and wondering what would be next. Looking at her, I couldn't help it but started to laugh.

"Here, let me help you get your face fixed." I said as I pulled up on the bottom of my T-shirt and used it to wipe off her face. She laughed as I did this and snuggled herself even closer into me as I finished.

"Lee, please hold me." She asked softly, her eyes pleading.

I thought back to the last two nights that we had spent in each other's arms, holding and loving each other and then to my revulsion several minutes earlier when I found out it had been Haley rather than Michelle in my bed. I tried to push past that, she had been in my life almost as long as Michelle had and I had only felt love for her in that time. I was already holding my arm around her shoulders but pulled us close together as she put her one arm behind my back and snuggled even closer, burying her face against my neck. I could smell the shampoo on her hair, the same shampoo that Michelle had been using for years and the feel of her in my arms almost made me forget that she wasn't Michelle. She was soft and warm against me and had stopped shivering as we held each other close. I knew it would be hard for me to continue to blame her for what she had done, even though my pain was still there.

We sat in silence for several minutes, each of us rethinking the events of the past hour, Haley probably as confused as I was. She felt good in my arms and I had to tell myself that she wasn't Michelle, even though if I closed my eyes I knew I would never be able to tell the difference.

"Lee?" She said softly, pulling back from me enough to look into my eyes.

"Yes?"

"If you're still up for it, I think I would like to go to Tomasella's for dinner tonight. Would you mind?"

I had asked earlier about going and she had seemed hesitant, so I had simply forgotten the idea. I wasn't sure why she had changed her mind but perhaps she felt that being away from the house and all that had gone on over the past few days might be a way for us to clear our thoughts.

"Are you sure?" I asked, even though she had been the one asking if I wanted to go.

"Yes. I want to get out and I think it will give us a chance to talk more." She answered simply.

"We'll have to dress, but that shouldn't take too long right?" I asked, thinking about what we would need to do before leaving.

"It might take a bit longer for me, I think I should really get this blonde rinse out of my hair. I would guess that there may be a few people who would be shocked if they saw us together while I still looked like Michelle. Not much I can do about the short hair, I had it cut a few days ago so it will have to grow out, but I can at least put my hair color back." Haley explained as she started to sit up and think about more that she might need to do.

"You do whatever you think you need to, it won't take me too long but we can have a late dinner, it's not a problem for me."

"Thanks Lee, I'm glad that we can have a chance to discuss things."

Haley went into the bedroom while I continued sitting in the living room for several minutes, I heard her moving about as she did whatever it was that she had to. I glanced through the door just in time to see her walk into the bathroom, she had stripped naked but I only caught a brief flash of her before she disappeared. Once again the memory of Michelle flooded back, and I had to fight back a tear or two but now my mind was telling me that this was really Haley. While she was in the shower taking care of things, I went into the bedroom and started to change myself. I got out a dress shirt and put on my suit pants, then good shoes and took a minute or two to pick a tie. I knew I had to be properly dressed for the restaurant, but I also realized I would feel a lot better if I put the effort into making myself look as good as I could.

Haley was in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before she emerged, her hair no longer the light blonde it had been earlier but back to the more normal brown I was used to seeing her with. It was still wet as she emerged, she had a towel wrapped around herself as she went to the dresser to find clothes to wear. I saw her take out a black bra and pair of panties as she dropped the towel and slid the panties up her legs and into place. The bra was black and strapless, also sheer as she held it in front of her breasts before turning her back to me without saying anything. From habit I reached forward and took the ends, hooking it for her, then reaching around and cupping her breasts again without conscious thought before I realized what I was doing. I started to pull my hands away but she pushed them hard into her breasts and guided them for 30 seconds as I squeezed and fondled. I wasn't sure what her intention was, but soon she let go my hands and pulled out of my grasp. She stepped away and turned to face me, her face showing embarrassment at what she had done, but she said nothing.

I sat in the chair and watched as she went to the makeup table then took care of her cosmetics, putting on mascara and eye shadow and a bit of lipstick. Once finished with that task, she went to the closet to find something but stopped and turned to face me.

"Lee, I know Michelle never minded me borrowing her clothes in the past, but would it bother you if I wore her black dress tonight?" She asked, uncertainty on her face.

I thought back to the last time my wife and I had been at Tomasella's, Haley with us, and Michelle had been wearing that same black dress. I wasn't sure how to answer her question before she continued.

"I know Michelle won't mind me wearing it."

"How do you know that?" I asked with a bit of surprise.

"I can't really explain it, but like I said before it's almost as though we knew each other's thoughts. She is still a part of me now and it's as if she's talking to me."

"She's telling you what to do? That's really bizarre." I replied.

"It's hard to explain, it's not like I hear a voice in my head or anything, but somehow I just get the feeling that she's communicating with me. I don't want you to think it's like those scammers on TV who say they can channel people from the other side, it's just a feeling I get."

"I'm not sure I really understand either, but if you think she won't mind you wearing that dress, I guess I can deal with it. Go ahead."

Haley smiled at me before turning to the closet and took out the dress, it was wrapped in plastic from the dry cleaners. Apparently she had found it hanging on the door and took care of getting it cleaned.

She put it on and I zipped up the back for her, remembering back to how I had done this for Michelle.

Haley went into the bathroom and finished up her hair before coming back out telling me she was almost ready. She went to the closet and looked around for a bit before coming out with a pair of shoes.

"Michelle doesn't have any heels, this is going to feel a bit strange for me."

I remembered what she had said, telling me that she always wore heels and Michelle never did as one way to differentiate their looks. She then went to the jewelry case and put in diamond earrings and the diamond pendant that Michelle had worn the last time we had been out as well. I noticed that she was already wearing Michelle's engagement and wedding rings, part of her charade.

"Why did you choose those earrings and necklace? How did you even know where they were?" I asked with a bit of surprise in my voice.

"I just did. Like I said, I think Michelle is still communicating with me. I think she wants me to wear these but if they bother you I'll take them off and find something else."

"It's okay I guess, I'm just a bit surprised by it is all."

*****

It had taken a while for Haley to get ready and by the time I got my coat and tie on and we drove to the restaurant, it was almost 8:30 in the evening. On Sunday night the dinner crowd wasn't as large as it might be on Friday or Saturday and at this late hour there were even fewer people inside. We were seated at a table and shortly a waitress came around asking if we wanted drinks or appetizers. My impulse was to ask for a Scotch on the rocks, and I thought I saw some concern in Haley's eyes as I was making a decision, but I just shook my head no. I could see a bit of relief at my response as I knew how worried she was that I might have become too dependent on alcohol. It was a tough decision I have to admit, but probably it was for the best. We perused the menu for several minutes before making our dinner choices and once the waitress had taken our order, we were alone to talk again.

"I know you have every right to, but I hope you don't hate me Lee." Haley said softly as we were alone.

"I could never hate you Haley, I'm sorry for what I said earlier too." I replied honestly.

"I don't know what I was thinking, I just didn't want to lose you. I already lost my sister and losing you would have made things doubly bad. Mom and dad are really upset too, they looked upon you as a son and now it seems as though you're pushing all of us away."

I could see the start of tears in her eyes, but she blinked trying to stop the flow before it started.

"What did your parents think of this plan of yours?" I asked.

"Oh my God! They have no idea, I'm sure they would have thought me crazy."

"I know you tried to explain yourself earlier, but I'm still not sure what you were expecting to accomplish here."

Haley looked a little uncomfortable as she thought about her response before she started. "That's just it, Lee, I didn't think about it until it was too late. I didn't want to see you throw your life away. Like I said, I've already lost my sister and I don't want to lose you. I don't know, I guess I might've thought that if I could become Michelle, you could get happy again and things might go back to the way they were before." Haley was back to looking away from me, I think she was embarrassed by what she was saying.

"How long did you think the act could continue?" I wondered aloud.

"That's another one of the things I never considered. If I had, I'm sure I never would have even started but I don't know, I just did it."

The waitress came with our salads and we stopped speaking until she had turned back to the kitchen and out of hearing. I began eating mine but Haley simply picked up her fork and started toying with the vegetables in her bowl. I could see something was on her mind that she seemed uncertain about.

"I know now that I could never be Michelle, and even though we spent two full days together I know you had doubts from the beginning. It was unfair of me to put you through this again, I truly am sorry for what I have done." She said, still toying with the salad and avoiding looking at me.

"I think I should apologize too, I should not have tried pushing you and your family away. I didn't do it intentionally, I was just so upset and confused that I let it happen even though if I had thought about it I probably could have made better choices. I really don't want to push you away, you are Michelle's sister and now after what you've told me, I realize you are even more a part of her than I had thought. I know I can never get her back, but having you in my life will let me keep her memory alive."

"You don't give yourself enough credit Lee, I know the two of you loved each other deeply and she is a part of you as well. You don't have the history with her that I do, and you don't share the genetics, but you developed a bond almost as strong. I'm sure you know it just as well as I do, but Michelle always wanted you to be happy." Haley had stopped toying with her food and was now looking at me directly, I think this was important enough to her that she wanted me to know exactly how she felt.

"Is she speaking to you again?" I couldn't help it, but grinned at the question.

"I think you know she doesn't have to say anything to let you know that, but I do know it for certain whether she says it or not." She smiled as she answered my statement.

"What did Michelle think about this little scheme of yours?" I asked, now turning more serious.

Haley's smile disappeared although she didn't frown, rather looking more thoughtful. "Like I said before, she wanted you to be happy. To tell the truth, despite my lack of planning and follow-through, she was strangely silent about what I was doing. I guess I didn't really give it a lot of thought while things were happening, but thinking back on it, I'm not sure if she agreed with what I was doing, but I certainly didn't get any feeling that she was upset with me either."

"Really?" I was having a hard time believing it, but then a lot of what we had been talking about did have the feel of something surreal.

Haley had started eating her salad, I wasn't sure if that signaled she was through with this line of thought, but allowed her to eat for a couple of minutes as I worked on my own. The waitress came by to remove our plates and let us know that dinner would be served shortly. Neither of us had spoken for several minutes and the look on Haley's face showed some concern, this was uncomfortable for both of us. I reached out my hand and set it atop hers, letting her know that I understood her concerns and that we could continue speaking.

"What are you going to do, I mean about your life and your job?" Haley asked as she changed the subject.

"I haven't really given it much thought, I like the work but maybe it's time to think about moving on. I have no idea what that might be, but I guess I probably should give it some serious consideration." I really hadn't thought about it, the past two days had been filled with too many strange thoughts and feelings for me to do any definite preparing for the future.

"I think you should do whatever makes you happy. I'm sure Michelle feels the same way, she always wanted you to be happy even though she would never let you get away with doing anything halfway." Haley said with a grin, we each knew just how obsessive Michelle had been with anyone not putting their full effort into any task.

"I know, like I said, I'll have to give it some serious thought, but right now I'm just not ready for that."

"If you need to talk about anything, I'm here. Just remember that." She said softly just as the waitress brought our meals.

We ate our food without any serious conversation, we decided to try to keep it light so that the evening might remain a pleasant one. Not that our talk had been unpleasant, but there was a lot of important information that needed to be worked out between us. The food was good just as it always was, we each ate our fill and I realized I probably ate more than I should have, but I had three months of my own cooking to make up for. I use the term cooking lightly, opening a can and eating its contents cold with a spoon probably doesn't qualify.

We finished our dinner and the waitress cleared our plates, then asked about coffee and dessert. I looked at Haley and she simply shook her head no so the meal was finished but I wasn't ready to leave just yet.

"You look so much like her, you know... I hadn't thought about it when she was still alive, but now I have to admit that it is true. Not even so much when you were trying to be her, but even now sitting across from me here in the low light of the restaurant. Wearing her dress and her diamonds even makes the impression stronger. I know you said that she wouldn't mind and I understand that, I want you to know that being here with me like this does help." I wasn't sure where the words had come from, and I was feeling a bit sad at losing Michelle, but sitting here with Haley was really helping my mood.

"Thank you, I'm sure it must be hard for you. No, I know it's hard for you and I appreciate you saying that."

"Would you dance with me Haley?" I asked, I could see the surprise on her face.

"Are you sure?" She asked, searching my face as she wondered why I had asked.

"I would not have suggested it if I wasn't sure." I said emphatically, but I was smiling as I said it.

"Lead the way, I'd like that."

I stood and took her hand before we moved out onto the dance floor. There were several couples dancing but not so many we had any trouble finding room. People would be elbow to elbow on a Friday or Saturday night but tonight there was plenty of room and the people already on the dance floor seemed happy and untroubled by the uncertainties of life. Haley moved into my arms just as easily as her sister would have, at times it truly was difficult for me to realize she wasn't Michelle. Logically I knew that, but my emotions sometimes made it difficult for me to think logically. I didn't even think about it as we pulled each other close, if I had I might have been concerned about just how close we really were, but it just felt so right. Haley laid her head on my shoulder as we continued to move slowly, soon we lost awareness of anything else but ourselves.