My Michelle

Shortly he signaled we could come over and I saw her lying on a table and covered with a sheet below her neck. Her face looked just as beautiful as it always had, but some of the color seemed to have drained from it. The composure I had managed to maintain to this point disappeared as I started crying yet again. The nurse gripped my one arm and the Dr. the other as they assumed I might collapse and I wasn't sure that I wouldn't have without their assistance. After standing and looking at her for several minutes, I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the lips. They were cold and unresponsive, totally different from any other time I had kissed her. The sudden realization that she would never again kiss me back almost caused me to vomit. Once again I couldn't believe this was happening. Our life had been perfect together and now it was as though it had ended.

I wanted to stay as long as possible but then remembered Michelle's sister.

"I need to go see her sister." I said to the nurse who had escorted me down.

"I understand, I'll take you to see her."

We went back upstairs passing by the emergency room where I had heard the shocking news several minutes earlier. We then went to another room where I could see Haley lying in a hospital bed, she seemed to be sleeping peacefully. She was the only one in the room and for a quick minute I was reminded of Michelle's face the first time I saw her in the morgue, looking just as still and lifeless.

"How is she?" Was all I could think to say.

The floor nurse had come in behind us and she answered my question.

"Physically she is not hurt. She was in shock when she came in, she was babbling incoherently and had a lot of blood on her although it was not hers. We have sedated her for now but she should wake shortly."

"Has anyone told her parents?" I managed to think logically long enough to ask the question.

The two women looked at each other before one of them answered "I don't really know."

I wished I didn't have to do this, but I knew it was my responsibility. I called Michelle's parents and her mother answered the phone. I wasn't sure exactly what to say or how to start, it was just so difficult. I couldn't think of anything that might ease the news, so I ended up telling it to her directly. Her daughter was dead!

I heard her scream and the phone fell to the floor. I could hear my father-in-law come running to her aid and at the same time pick up the phone trying to see what had caused his wife's distress. I had to break the news to him as well and after several minutes of us each trying to comprehend why this had happened, he told me they would be here at the hospital as soon as possible.

*****

I was sitting in Haley's room just looking at her as she rested peacefully. Michelle's parents came in and the three of us hugged and cried together. We stood there trembling and sobbing, none of us knowing exactly what to say. We didn't notice Haley starting to wake, she had moved around, blinked her eyes several times before being able to focus on the three of us. Our first indication that she was conscious came when she screamed.

We separated and her mother immediately went to comfort her. She leaned over Haley in the bed and the two of them hugged together tightly, neither saying a word.

"So much blood... I don't know... Why??" Haley was babbling incoherently, she was still having trouble comprehending what had happened.

"Sshhhhhh. It's okay Haley, we are here." Her mother tried to console her.

She started to calm, at least outwardly although I could see tears running down her cheeks.

"She's gone isn't she?" She managed in a shaky voice.

The three of us looked at each other without a word before her mother softly answered "yes." The two of them each broke down and cried as they held each other close.

We spent the afternoon in the hospital, alternately crying and asking each other why this had to happen. After several hours like this, Haley had calmed enough she was able to get out of bed and stand and we decided however reluctantly to go home. I went with them to their house, there was nothing for me at my own. We sat mostly in silence for another hour, occasionally one of us breaking down and sobbing quietly. Finally Michelle's mother went to the kitchen and fixed something for us to eat although none of us admitted to being hungry. Being the mother she was, she insisted we all have something and we sat down to a quiet dinner of soup and sandwiches.

*****

The next few days were a blur to me, there was so much to do and I didn't have a clue where to start. The thought that one or the other of us would not live well into old age had never occurred to either of us so we were not prepared for this. I had to make funeral arrangements as well as informing a number of friends and relatives. Michelle's parents were a great comfort to me and tried to help me with this task as much as possible. Haley wanted to help me as well, but she was still having trouble accepting the fact, reliving the event, both awake and in her dreams.

After two days I was finally able to get myself together enough to talk to the police and find out exactly what had happened. Apparently two cars filled with gang bangers were having a dispute over their drug turf and had been chasing each other through the mall parking lot, shooting at each other as they went. Michelle and Haley had come out of one of the stores, unaware of what was happening, and had been caught in the crossfire. The police said that no one else had been shot which was a good thing, but the gang bangers got away. They thought they had some leads about who they were and hoped that an investigation would lead to arrests soon.

Tuesday we had the viewing in the afternoon, and the funeral would be Wednesday morning. I went through the motions although I'm not sure how I managed. I remember a lot of people coming through and offering me condolences, but if I had to I couldn't name any individual or remember what he or she had said. It was just all so inconceivable to me and my mind was trying to block out all the hurt. After the Viewing finished, Michelle's parents and sister stayed with me as the funeral director allowed us to say our final goodbyes before the coffin would be closed forever. We each wanted a moment with her alone, but Haley's father had to come support his wife as she started to collapse as she was looking at her daughter for the last time. They stood there silently for a couple of minutes before moving away to allow me and Haley to take our turns. We came up together as well, I think I was supporting her as much as she was supporting me.

"Goodbye Sis." Haley said so softly I almost didn't hear.

She squeezed my arm and held on even tighter as she moved aside and allowed me to get close to my wife. I couldn't say anything, there weren't really any words to express my loss. I tried but nothing would come. I leaned down and kissed her one last time, her lips just as cold and still as they had been several days earlier in the morgue. The funeral director was standing unobtrusively off to the side but as we turned to leave he again offered his condolences as he escorted us out.

The next day was just as difficult, we rode in silence behind the Hearse that was carrying her coffin. This would be goodbye forever, once in the ground there would be a sense of finality but the feeling of loss would never leave me. Our parish priest did a marvelous job of eulogizing her and quite a number of our friends and acquaintances were there to say their goodbyes as well. On the one hand I thought the service was taking way too long, I just wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere but at the same time I knew that as soon as it ended so too did this part of our lives.

Michelle's parents had opened their house for anyone who wanted to stop by after the funeral, I was glad many of them had come but at the same time I just wanted this to be over. I didn't know what I was going to do without her and having all these people here continued to remind me that she was gone. I tried my best to speak to all of them and offer my thanks, I really truly was grateful, but it was difficult. The afternoon stayed morose as people came and went, and finally the last had left. Michelle's mother again offered me dinner but I refused, I just needed some alone time to sort out my life.

*****

I spent the next few days at home by myself, I really didn't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. My emotions were churning inside my body, I just didn't know what to do. No matter what I did or where I went in the house, Michelle was there. Not in person, but everything I saw reminded me of her. There were cosmetics in the bathroom when I went into that room. In the bedroom her little black dress was still hanging on the closet door waiting for its trip to the dry cleaners. Even without looking at the dress, every time I entered the room I could smell the faint odor of her perfume in the air. At night I would reach for her in bed, but no one reached back. I was going crazy here in the house, everything reminded me of her.

I had to get out of the house but wasn't sure what to do once gone. I hadn't had much to eat over the past few days, I really didn't feel like taking the time to fix myself something and my sadness had crowded out hunger from my mind. I took a short drive to get something to eat and by habit went toward the mall, but at the last minute remembered what had happened at the mall a week ago and turned the wheel in a panic, almost wrecking the car as I went in the opposite direction. I drove for another half hour aimlessly, not sure why I was even out but after several minutes had calmed and remembered I wanted something to eat. I saw a restaurant up ahead and pulled into the parking lot, figuring it was as good a place as any to find something. As I walked from the parking lot toward the entrance, a group of teenagers were hanging out and I had to walk around them to get to the door. I hadn't really given people like this much notice in the past, but now looking at them with their funny colored hair, the nose rings and coarse language, their pants hanging down below their asses I had to wonder if one of them had been the shooter. The feeling of rage started to boil within me as I looked into the face of the loudest and most obnoxious looking one, deciding I would go beat the truth out of him, I was certain he knew who had done the deed. If I hadn't been so tired and distraught, I would have found the energy to do just that, but fortunately for me my inability to act had made the decision for me. I kept walking, wondering if any of them really did know anything.

I went inside the restaurant and was shown to a table where I sat and bemoaned the circumstance. I would often eat alone at lunchtime when I was working, but other than that it was rare that Michelle was not with me in a restaurant. I hadn't returned to work yet and that thought brought her absence to the front of my mind again, not that it had been gone from my thoughts for long. A pleasant young girl came to take my order and I managed to read the menu and asked her for a burger and fries. Once the food arrived I sat eating it although I don't recall tasting anything. I was simply going through the motions while my mind was whirling in my head, not slowing long enough for me to grasp anything. I was just about finished with the food when I glanced over toward the door and saw a woman with blonde hair and I swore it was her. I jumped to my feet and was ready to call out to her when she turned to face me and I could see that although she resembled Michelle, she wasn't. Several people nearby had looked as I jumped to my feet but went back to their eating and I just sat back down, burying my face in my hands as I wondered how I could continue on without her.

Michelle's mother called me Sunday afternoon, asking me to come over for dinner. I really didn't feel like it and tried not to insult her but told her that I wasn't in the mood. She tried for a couple of minutes to change my mind but I was insistent so she handed the phone to Haley who did her best to do what her mother had been unable to do.

"I'm sorry Haley, it's... It's... It's just too soon."

"It's been just as long for each of us here, we love you and we want you to be part of our family still. Please come over, it means a lot to mom and me too. I'm sure dad feels the same way although you know him, he doesn't express his feelings very well." Haley persisted with her request.

"Thanks Haley, I love you too. I don't want to lose touch with any of you but right now I just need to be alone." I said with finality before hanging up.

*****

I had taken the previous week off from work, but not having anything else to do at home I thought that perhaps it would take my mind off of things. My boss had told me to take as much time as I needed but I was certain that was only a formality, I didn't think my colleagues could carry on my work for very long without me. Once in the office, everyone came to my desk as they offered condolences and tried to find something to say, but most seemed uncertain of exactly what might be suitable. They all knew Michelle, she had been in the office regularly when she would come by to join me for lunch or sometimes she might pick me up after work if we wanted to go out right away. I tried to get back into the spirit of my work, but I would regularly find my mind wandering and I had to force myself back to the task at hand. Normally the office was a friendly and cheerful place, but for whatever the reason, and I knew exactly what that reason was, the mood was quiet and gloomy.

I made it through the day but hadn't really accomplished anything. I knew I would be heading to an empty house and that thought only made it harder for me to concentrate on what I needed to. Some people tried to be more cheerful than others, I knew they had to force it but I did at some level appreciate the thought and the effort. Still, I did not find much comfort in their attempt. I drove home and went into the house, expecting to see her in the kitchen just as I did regularly, but as I knew I would, she wasn't there

I hadn't eaten anything at lunch, I wasn't hungry. I didn't feel hungry right now either, but I knew I would need to get something to eat. I started looking through the refrigerator and the cabinets in search of something, and eventually found a can of chili. Michelle was a good cook and we never ate out of cans, but apparently this had been bought in anticipation of a power outage or perhaps a storm. While I looked through the cabinets, I also found a pint of brandy with a couple inches left in the bottom, Michelle used this occasionally as she cooked. I'm not a big drinker, particularly hard liquor. I might have a few beers on a warm summer afternoon and maybe wine with dinner, but that's about the extent of my alcohol consumption. Still, I took the brandy with me as well as the chili into the living room as I sat and started to eat right out of the can. I would take a few bites of chili and wash it down with the brandy, the alcohol burning its way into my stomach. I continued like this and by the time the chili was gone so was the brandy. I tossed both into the trash and felt a sense of warmth start to grow throughout my body. Along with the warmth came a dulling of my thoughts as the alcohol started to work on me. With my brain slowed, the emotions that had been churning within me also started to calm and I was able to sit without reliving the entire previous week.

The rest of my week went about the same as Monday had gone, I tried doing work but it suffered because of my lack of concentration. I knew I had to get things under control of my mind, there were others who depended on me here but for now my own loss seemed to outweigh any concern I might have for them. On Tuesday I had gone home and eaten another cold dinner, but despite looking, had not found any more alcohol in the house. I tried reading and watching TV, neither of which helped my mind to slow down and give me any rest. The next day I stopped at the liquor store on the way home and bought a quart of Scotch. I didn't like the taste but found that it worked quickly to dull my senses and I had finished it by Friday night.

Over the next few months I managed to pick up my game at work a bit, but it didn't take much thought for me to realize I wasn't anywhere near what I was capable of before. No one had said anything, but I knew they must be thinking it, although at this point I was less worried about what they might be thinking than in my own thoughts. I had started drinking more heavily, Scotch seemed to be my best friend now. I was able to control my use of it since I knew that driving under the influence or trying to do what minimal amount of work I could do would not fare well. Still, every night it helped me to forget and allowed me to sleep for at least a few hours before I would wake and find myself awash in self-pity.

*****

It had been three months since that fateful day and today was Friday, I was alone in my office late in the afternoon. I was lost in my thoughts when my boss came in, clearing his throat to let me know of his presence.

"Afternoon Stewart, how are you?" I said out of habit, setting aside the papers I had been trying without much success to read through.

"I'm good Lee, how about you?" He answered in response.

"About the same." I said without much emotion in my voice.

He looked at me without speaking for a minute, I could tell he was thinking and had something on his mind that he wanted to discuss with me.

"This is a little tough for me Lee, but we have to talk about something." He started.

I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted to talk about, my performance over these past three months had been less than adequate and I knew it.

"Go ahead." I replied.

"I'm sure you know your performance recently has not been up to your usual standard. All of us here understand and we've been giving you a lot of slack. We value you here but you're going to have to get yourself together soon, we can't keep carrying you." He said, trying to look me in the eye but not succeeding very well.

"I know I haven't been doing as well as I could, but I'm trying." I lied.

"Look Lee, it's been three months since Michelle left us..." He started before I cut in.

"Left us? You make it sound as though she got on a bus and will be back tomorrow. She's fucking dead!" I shouted as my rage began to grow.

"I'm sorry Lee, I know how hard this is for you." He tried to apologize.

"How the hell can you know how hard this is for me?? Has your wife been shot? Have you lost a loved one, someone you can't live without?" I was starting to rant, I knew I shouldn't but my emotions were again taking control of my actions.

"Let's start over again Lee, please?" He tried to placate me.

I wasn't in the mood to be placated, but some small part of my brain that was still functioning knew that dumping on him was not going to be productive for either of us.

"I'm sorry Stewart, I shouldn't have said that."

"Let's forget it. Now, we have to decide what's going to happen to you in the future. As I said, we value you here but you're going to have to start carrying your own weight. We've given you some time but right now I think the time that we've allowed you is just about to run out."

"Are you asking me to resign Stewart, or are you planning to fire me?" I said, wondering just where this conversation was headed.

"Neither right now Lee, we don't want either at this time. However, if you do offer a resignation I would be inclined to accept it. No one is going to fire you just yet, but I might not be able to say that for much longer." He said in a matter of fact way.