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Click hereI keep the pace slow to keep from waking him. As much fun as it might be to make him cum and wake him to find his cock buried in his daughter's mouth, I'm pretty sure that would be pushing things too far. He might want to fuck me, or he might be disgusted, though I doubt it. But I know that if he suggested it, I'd fuck him in a heartbeat, but the chance that he might be upset or really angry even makes it a chance I'm unwilling to take. The vacation is going SO WELL. I don't want to mess it up.
I continue to slowly suck his cock until I'm pretty sure he's going to blow if I keep going, enjoying every moment it fills my mouth. Pushing back and standing up, I consider the state I'm leaving him in...and have an idea.
"This could be fun," I murmur.
to be continued...
- COMMENTS
ToughSailor8 months agoConcur to the Nth degree with hejo's comment. Mark was a Marine. You NEVER call a marine 'soldier' ! Now; you should follow up this chapter with one that has the wife coming on board and getting into plot . . . .
hejoover 7 years agoAny self respecting Marine would castrate you with a broken beer bottle if you called him a soldier!!
Sensualleeover 7 years agoInteresting story, some jarring transitions, overall plot seems to be sort of circular without a specific end point.
Anonymousover 7 years agoHot story, looking forward to part 2. You do need to work with an editor.
danibearover 7 years agoI hate poor spelling, and bad grammar is really jarring... but I think the change of tense coiniding with the change of narrator works well.
A row of asterisks might have been nice to just highlight that there was 'break' of some kind, more significant than a new paragraph; but hey it's no big deal.
Leave it as it is - and let's have the next chapter.
OedipusRex68over 7 years agoAuthorOkay.
I don't see much concensus on which style is more favored.
Assuming I note the POV, do I continue with it, or switch to 3rd party narration?
If 3rd party, I'd resubmit chapter 1 corrected.
I'm too anal to just switch on the fly without going back and correcting.
CONSISTENCY!
Is the present tense really bugging readers?
I appreciate all of the input.
Thanks!!
mharrisonover 7 years agoGood story so far. Looking forward to reading more.
The POV changes need to be more clearly separated and obvious otherwise very good.
Anonymousover 7 years agoEnjoyed the story. As you mentioned, it might be good to put headers for the change. Looking forward to the next chapter.
mabell3368over 7 years agoBut, that said, I agree with the previous commenter. I found the transition in POV jarring and the switch in tenses distracting. The central idea is a good one and definitely hot. But a little more care with how you present those ideas would boost your scores. Let's see what you do with the next installment.
Anonymousover 7 years agoThis works better using past tense. Yes, if you are going to switch POV, you need to make it clear by using a page break of some sort. Use past tense narration for these stories, save the present tense narration for writing movie, TV, stage scripts.
Anonymousover 7 years agoAs already stated, stick with the already established POV, nothing more off putting than a sudden change... if you are going to change to her perspective than give background on why she is acting like this and going from a tease to sucking his cock while he slept. but otherwise am enjoying.
Anonymousover 7 years agoI hope that you continue the story, you've built it up so well so far it would be a shame to see it not continued. I think we all know how it will go, but what remains to be known is if mom finds out and how will she react?
OedipusRex68over 7 years agoAuthorPOV will change
It becomes pretty clear who's narrating quickly; but I can add a header name if it's confusing readers.
