Our Tattered Lives

"John, what are you doing? Where are you going? John please we need to talk, I need to explain..."

Now it was me who was deaf and inside my mind, now it was me who didn't listen, "Well, now that you are your own self again, is time for me to go and let you alone, as you wanted" I told her with a bleeding heart.

"John....what....what are you talking about; you can't leave me now" she said with a stricken face.

"Well, until this afternoon in the clinic, you didn't want anything to do with -- your "husband" -- you even let me go to another place to sleep last night. So I think I have nothing to do here"

"But that's not true, I mean.... Wait a minute, yesterday morning before going to the clinic you told me you were not John, if you are not him, who are you?"

That was a question that once, not so long ago, in my dreams I had wished her to make me, now I wasn't so sure, "Doesn't matter anymore, just keep you healthy for your baby and don't forget in a month you have the good doctor waiting for you, now if you don't mind..."

"But I mind, won't you at least let me explain the last days, what was on my mind, what was in my soul? Why I seemed an autistic. It wasn't that I don't want a child it is I'm afraid, I have a son around your age and my childbirth labor was very long and complicated before his birth." She paused, thinking, I assume, trying to explain herself so she could get to me, to my obtuse mind closed to anything that was not my anguish and sorrow.

"Don't you see it's not I don't love you, it was a surprise knowing I'm pregnant at my age and fear made me act that way; I had always wanted more children but my late husband didn't, to him we had the perfect family and later...later it was too late for us. And then after so many years I fall in love with you, but, but you are younger than me and I didn't expect...I was in shock and my reaction was full of fear. I don't know my love it is not easy to explain, but I want us to be together and have the baby and...and...and."

And she started sobbing and they were heartbreaking sobs her slim frame shaken as by a storm and I just could no longer pretend indifference, I love her and care about her and her distress was ripping my heart apart. So I took her in my arms and hugged her. She put her head on my shoulder and her sobbing was decreasing until only were jerky sighs.

She looked into my eyes and asked in a faint voice "Will you stay with me now John?"

"Yes I will stay with you, I love you, but I must tell you again my name is not John."

"Yes, yes I think you told me. Who are you?"

"I'm your lost son, I'm Pierce"

Her face went white as if she had seen a ghost; her hand to her mouth, her eyes popping out of its sockets she started murmuring, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, not now, not now, it can't be true, can't be true".

I was as petrified as her, my arms went limp at my sides at her reaction, the suitcases forgotten; I was waiting for next words.

She just stood there, with a numbed expression on her face; I had to say something to start the wheels of life turning again, so I told her, "Its true mother, I'm Pierce, the son that refused to see you year after year"

That seemed to take her out of her paralysis, "But you made love to me, we had sex, you knew I'm your mother, and we are going to have a child together, that's incest...." Her voice was losing force and was again gradually lost in silence.

"Yes I did, I did make love to you, mother, because I love you, I'm in love with you, I have always been in love with you"

Suddenly, without another word, she turned around and was going to get out of the room when she stopped, her back to me, and with a thin voice asked me to not go away, for me to stay. It was clear to me that her proud spirit was broken, and that inside her, a fierce struggle was taking place.

"But we can't love..., you can't love me that way, it's a sin, it's against the law, you are my son" and sobbing heartbreakingly she went to her room and softly closed the door.

She didn't come out her bedroom for the next two days, not even for a drink of water, and I was really getting more and more worried with each passing day; I called to her, I knocked her door every couple hours and asked her to talk to me, anything to get her out from that self-destructive state .

Her only answer was "Please Pierce, let me be alone, but don't go away this time, we need to talk, I need to talk to you".

At last, very early in the morning of the third day, she resurrected, went to take a shower and when she had finished I had her breakfast on the table. Her appearance had improved, and she was still pale and haggard but she had begun to come out of this cloud of misery sufficiently to talk.

"Pierce, I want you to know that I had always loved you, I have never stopped loving you"

"I know mother, now that I'm a grown man, I know you always loved me and I hope it isn't too late for us to bond again"

"Yes, but we have a major problem, I'm pregnant and I carry your child, who is also your sibling, what are we going to do, please tell me, my head is very numb and I can't think clearly".

"Ok mother. Now, let's take first thing first and one thing at a time. You made love with me, someone who everybody knows as John Van Nuys, Ok...."

"Yes, but you are my son and..."

"Mother, mother, please listen to me, nobody knows we are related, much less that we are in fact mother and son; so the social aspect of the issue is solved, don't you agree?"

"Yes, that may be true but all the same we committed incest and that..."

"No mother, you didn't commit incest, I did. I knew you were my mother, you didn't know I was your son; if there is one responsible, I am. I'm the guilt one, not you. And although this child was conceived in love, if it makes you feel better, think of it as a product of rape. Love your child but not his father"

"But I can't do that, I love you, I have always loved you, what I cannot understand is all this farce to pass yourself off as other person just to have sex with me"

"Oh mother, mother, you are not so dense, it wasn't just to have sex with you, don't you understand, mother I'm in love with you. Mother I love you, I'm in love with you, I have always been in love with you. Ask yourself, what other reason could I have had for not wanting to see you?"

To my great confusion, she did not see my point, surprised at my confession. It seemed that she already knew and that I only had confirmed things by saying them aloud.

She let the silence envelop us for several minutes before she told me that she was very tired and we would continue this conversation in the morning, if I was still at the ranch. She was apparently very worried because she thought I might desert her again. That thought did not occur to me, because I was getting used to the idea of being the father of my own brother or sister.

I went to my room but couldn't sleep; my mind was in turmoil and my life was chaos. I have always had an orderly life, I had a final purpose in mind, maybe it was utopian, but in my daily life everything was very orderly, with no surprises, perhaps monotonous, but that kind of life gave me peace of mind. Now I didn't know what was to become of my life or future.

Next morning I was up before sunrise, made coffee and waited for my mother to get up. When she came to the kitchen, there was something different to her, I poured her a cup of coffee and waited expectantly for her to tell me what was in her mind.

"Pierce" she started, "I have thought about us and our relationship the whole night, I don't want for you to go away again, if you do, I'm sure this time will be forever. I don't want to lose you again, but we can't have sex again; I don't think about us making love as rape, because I did consent, and it was beautiful, but it can't go on..."

I tried to interrupt her and make her see my viewpoint, but she wouldn't let me,

"Pierce let me finish, please, if you want to make me happy, stay with me; to the world we'll be a couple with a son or daughter, in the privacy of our home we'll be mother and children, and you'll be a brother to our child".

I was astounded. Just like that she wanted me to forget our relationship, which had been not only carnal, but emotional as well. I felt like if a void was engulfing me and I could not do anything. She remained adamant.

"I'll let you think about this my dear for you to take a decision, just remember, I love you very much"

"Not to be my wife"

"But I can't Pierce, I'm already your mother" she said and left the kitchen.

I needed to get out of the house, I was feverish, I was sick with anguish, I couldn't be her man, but if I stayed, I will have to be near her day after day, I was going to be her husband outside the house with everything that that means, I will have to go to parenting classes, touch her and act like a loving husband. I will have to attend childbirth, and see our child come out of the same channel I came out of twenty seven years earlier. It was utter madness, I could not stay here, and I could not do what she was asking me.

But, no matter what, I was going to do it.

********

That morning we started the routine. To the outside world, we were a couple with age difference; when we went to the clinic for pregnancy checks or to town to buy groceries, and even to dinner and dancing outside town, everyone treated us just like any other couple expecting a baby, and I was treated with the condescension with which are treated all young fathers. Everything was smiles and laughter, only I was crying inside.

No one questioned our relationship; no one imagined that we were related in the first degree. My mother is white blonde and I have black hair, like my father, with that snow-white stripe left by my accident, which ran from my chin over my right cheek to the middle of my head, her eyes are grey green and mine are brown. My life was beautiful, eh? Yeah, right.

It was only when the house door was closed and we were alone, that everything changed. Life was a hell for me, I had her with me all day, I'm in love with her and want to hold, caress and kiss her, but inside the house, when alone, she was treating me like what I am, her child, Our love-making days were a thing of the past, to never return, apparently. My mother, on the other hand, seemed to be living in heaven. She seemed rejuvenated by the pregnancy; and after her second month when the morning sickness had disappeared and she only thought taking care of her for our child, she seemed like a first time Mom.

When she was reaching her sixth month and her body had begun to change, my life was unbearable. I started to think of leaving after the birth. I was nervous, moody and restless and could not concentrate on anything. I was thinking that when she had the child, she wouldn't need me anymore, she has money and she will have another child, so she won't be alone. This child will probably stay with her forever.

I started to leave the house early in the morning and returning at the end of the evening, I was working on my investment business. I phoned my lawyer and broker in Boston and I was distracted when at home, not paying much attention to her; it was the only way I had to defend myself from the pain and depression that was overtaking me.

I helped her with the bookkeeping and little more. Little by little I was drifting away from her. Keeping my part of the bargain by acting as her husband on the increasingly rare occasions on which she came out of the house.

And then, one morning when I woke up, I smelled freshly brewed coffee. Still groggy, I went to the kitchen to see my pregnant mother in a floral housecoat bustling about the kitchen singing to herself as she fixed breakfast. When she felt my presence, she turned her head and smiling broadly she said.

"Good morning sweetie"

Astonished and not understanding anything I asked her:"What are you doing up so early"

She looked surprised by my question and answered, "Why, fixing breakfast for my husband, what else".

I dropped heavily in a chair and looked at her not understanding what was going on, and told her stupidly, "But I'm your son, not......"

"Not anymore, I mean, yes you are my son, but from now on you are also my man, and soon my legally wedded husband; wasn't that what you wanted?"

"Yes of course but you said.... I thought....."

"Yes my love, I know what I said to you, I know what you thought, and I'm very sorry for all the pain I caused you. I've given much thought in these last times to my former life, what I did to yours, the pain that I had inflicted to you and to your father for my vanity, my uncontrolled sexual desires and above all my selfishness, and the loneliness that you must have suffered. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes, of course mother, that means...."

"Let me explain my dear. I have always known you loved me, what I didn´t know, but later suspected, was that when you came to work for me you were my son. with the passing of days I started to suspect that you were not who you said you were; you had a very intimate knowledge of the house and the places to look for things in it, only someone in the family (and my parents had only two relatives, you and I) could know, where certain things are kept, and so I began to suspect that you could be my long lost son"

"Yes, but why did you let me make love to you" I was utterly confused.

"Because I fell in love with you; I'm madly in love with you. I convinced myself that you were John. In truth I fell in love with the person you are, no matter what name that person has. You are sensible, kind, loving, passionate, and very lovable"

"Yes, but since the pregnancy, with your attitude towards me, I have been living in hell"

"Yes, I know, because I have been living in the same hell."

And then mother explained me that she and my father had always intended to have more children, but it had never happened. Now that she was pregnant, she was delighted that I'd impregnated her, but she was terrified in the light of the risks that incest supposedly involved. Her reaction was ambivalent, on the one hand she wanted this child, on the other was terrified, and that's why she thought of having an abortion.

I was speechless; at last all of my dreams were to become true. "What do we do now?"

"First, finish your breakfast, then go shower, you're a little ripe you know. And then come to our bedroom, I'll be waiting for you. We have many... hummm, things to talk about. And Pierce..."

"Yes"

"When we are outside and meet other people, as we are married, call me: dear, sweetie, Natasha, wife, or whatever catches your fancy. Home or bedroom you call me Mom or Mommy or Mother; I prefer the first two. If that's all right with you"

I was grinning like a fool, my smile from ear to ear.

"Dear, I have one question. Will you shave your face, I love you anyway, but I would like to know you with no hair on your face, if after, you are not comfortable how you look, you let the beard grow again"

I was going to say NO, and then on second thought I said to myself, ¿why not, you shaved your balls for Melanie and the crotch too? "Ok mother as you wish?

*********

I showered and then shaved, my face was not so different, only the scar marred my face, but far less than what I had feared, the scar was like a white stripe 2 mm wide in a pale face that had not taken the sun in years. I put cologne, my robe, and naked underneath, went to mother's room.

She was waiting on the bed, over the mattress, she had her long hair spread on the pillow and a sexy nightie was all she had on. Her breasts, now bountiful with pregnancy were gorgeous, and her tummy, now six months into the pregnancy looked lovely, not very bulging, more like a medium watermelon. I could not take my eyes from her.

*13*

*A new bonding*

"My god Pierce, you are handsome, come near my love so mom can kiss your hurt face"

At those words my penis inflated like a balloon. I took her in my arms and started kissing her: mouth, nose, eyes, neck, breasts and down to her tummy. When I was sniffing her wafting scent and preparing to plunge into her pussy, she stopped me taking my head with her hands and told me, "Wait my dear, today I repay you, let me make love to you".

I could see my mother's sexy body, barely hidden in her negligee, her breasts and her bountiful muff under her belly. "You're beautiful, Mom. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen".

She smiled with a pleased look on her face. She turned around in my arms, not a bit ashamed that she was rubbing her meaty breasts and pregnant belly across my lower chest and crotch as she did so. "Do you like this gown, Pierce? I bought it at the Mall the other day thinking maybe you'd like it. Maybe I always knew I was getting it for you, my darling son, and no other."

"It's beautiful, Mom, but only because you are in it. Thank you very much."

Mom wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her body more firmly against me. "I can't ignore this anymore, can I? I love you, Pierce and I need you; I love you as my son but I love you more as my man, my soul mate. I want us to be lovers forever, son"

Mom looked up at me, her grey-green eyes wide and anxious; she seemed so vulnerable at that moment. I couldn't help but love her more than ever. Did she think there was even a slight chance I'd say no?

"Oh, Mom, I can't think of anything I want more. I love you so much, Mom. I've loved you and dreamed of this for so many years. I've wai....."

Mom kissed me again, leaning into me, the weight of her meaty breasts and tummy feeling delicious on my skin. Mom pushed me onto my back and began to kiss her way downwards. She stopped at my nipples, circling the hard nubs with her tongue, making me groan as she nipped them with her sharp teeth.

Her tongue travelled further down my body as she gave me butterfly kisses down below my stomach. Mom ran her face across my groin, when she saw my shaved pubis, her eyes opened wide in surprise,

"Why did you shave your err...."

"Why, don't you like it, I shaved my face and supposed you would like that part shaved too, its clean"

Her breath felt incredible as she rubbed her face in my bald pubis; she was now lying at my side her head to my feet and her feet beside my face, Mom looked lustily at my rapidly rock hardening cock which she slowly and lovingly was stroking. I clawed the sheets as Mom showed me that despite a lack of practice, she did know how to suck her son's cock.

"I wasn't a good cocksucker when I was younger," Mom said teasingly after licking my shaft.

She looked up to me and said, "How can I get all this lovely cock inside my mouth without choking?"

Pierce explained her that she would need to regulate her breathing in such a way that she took her breaths as the cock withdrew from her mouth, she also would need to relax her throat muscles to allow its full length to enter her mouth.

"Mom this will be difficult but with practise we can do it" I said

"We darling, I thought it was me who was choking with a big cock in my mouth", answered my laughingly mother.

Then mom slipped my cock into her mouth and bathed it in saliva using her tongue to tease the underside of the mushroom head; with great pleasure she set about this challenge and she did find, that by concentrating, she could breathe with a mouthful of cock, although taking it into her throat was much more difficult. Soon I was sighing and moaning announcing my impending climax. My mother suddenly stopped before I could actually spurt my load.

"Oh mom that's beautiful" I said panting.

"And that's nothing, baby I haven't even started"

I just whimpered as I watched her pulling my cock toward her mouth and wrap her lips around my cock's crown. My hands were resting on the top of her head and I was watching her in dazed amazement as she nursed on my dick. I tried to smile to her with my eyes as she slurped and sucked my dick, but she was so absorbed with what she was doing that she didn't even lift her head off my cock to look at me.