Parts of Desire Ch. 01

Rania blushed. "I feel naked sitting here so uncovered in front of you. But that is only because you are a man, and a man I am not related to. You know, Arab women don't wear the hijab and abeya all the time. We only wear it out in public. In private, among family or among other women, we dress modestly, but in bright colours, jewellery, etc. We are as much of fashionistas as any other women.

"Ever since I was a child, my parents drilled into me that I must appear properly if I am ever around strange men or in public. After puberty, that means hijab and abeya, always. Once I was a teenager I realized that my mother didn't actually believe in it, but she, and all of us, are terrified of the religious police. When you're out in public, you have to check constantly to make sure your hijab hasn't slipped, or that you're not accidentally showing something you shouldn't be. It's made us all obsessive-compulsive." She laughed, with a trace of bitterness, and took another sip of coffee. "Even when I am not wearing my hijab, I still instinctively and unconsciously check to make sure it's properly in place."

"But I'm still a strange man, a man that isn't your husband", I protested. "What's changed for you?"

"You're my female roommate as far as anyone knows, and it's not inappropriate to dress however I wish in front of another woman", she replied mischievously, with a smirk on her face. "I'm already in a heap of trouble if anyone back home finds out I'm living with you. Last night, I just couldn't be bothered getting all dressed up just so you could quickly fix my computer. And honestly, it felt really scary, knocking on your door like that, but also good -- a little bit naughty, but also kind of like it shouldn't have felt that way. My heart was racing the whole time I was with you last night, but I also feel like maybe this is normal, and what I am used to is not. So after you left my room, I thought about it, and I decided that I may as well be comfortable in my own home.

"Besides, we've lived together for a month now and you've been nothing but respectful. If I tried this around a Saudi man, he'd think it was an invitation to fool around, or worse, and the courts would back him up on that if he tried to push me to do something I didn't want to do. I think you're going to take it as though I were a Western woman, that this is just how I dress and I don't have to hide in front of you. I don't have anything to fear from you, and so I've decided to stop acting scared."

"I want you to be comfortable here, whatever that means to you", I responded. "You can wear as much or as little as you like."

Rania paused, collecting her thoughts. "The religious police are not government agents in Saudi Arabia. They work for the clerics, and the government is mostly terrified of their power. And this is a part of why I study what I do. Would you like to hear about my research?"

"Sure, if you'd like to tell me", I answered.

Rania took a deep breath. "In 2002, there was a fire that broke out at a girls' school in Mecca. All girls' schools at the time were guarded at the door by the religious police, supposedly to make sure that no one came in that shouldn't, but we all knew it was also to make sure that we weren't able to leave without being properly dressed. So when this fire broke out, the religious police prevented the girls from leaving the building unless they were dressed in hijab and abeya. Because it was an all-girls school, none of the students or the teachers were wearing them when they went to evacuate, and so they had to all go back into a burning building to collect them. Fifteen girls died, and fifty were injured, when no one should have. There was more than enough time to evacuate everyone before the fire got out of control, But the religious police thought it was more important to protect the girls' modesty than to protect their lives." She swallowed, and the anger was still evident in her voice.

"I was nine years old in 2002, and I went to a school just like that one. If we had lived in Mecca instead of Riyadh, it could have been me, or any of my friends. Ever since then, I have dreamed about rebelling against some of the strictures of my society. This is why I chose education as a study path, and why I dream of reform. The government did take control of girls' schools away from the clerics after the fire in Mecca, and things are somewhat better now. But I dream of full coed education, from primary to university, just as they have in some of the other Arabic countries. Men and women need to socialize more in our society, to see each other as being just people. It's clearly not un-Islamic to do so. It's just us, we are still stuck to tribal law. Our neighbouring countries are more liberal than we are, and they're still Islamic. You'd have to be mad to be a rebel in Saudi Arabia, but I can suggest gradual change to the authorities and hope they listen.

"I am a Muslim. I believe in God, and I believe that Mohammed is his prophet. I say my prayers five times a day. But this treatment of women in my society, I believe, isn't Islam, it's the Bedouin tribal custom in the region. Nowhere in the Quran does it say that women are to serve men. If anything, it's is the opposite. Mohammed, peace be upon him, treated his wives fairly and with respect, and if anything, he served them. It is famous that he did all the work for his wives.

"And even then, the Wahhabi sect that is in charge are such literalists when interpreting the Quran. They believe it is literal and infallible. But the Quran also says, for example, that if you are being invaded by a hostile force, you must prepare your swords and horses to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies. No one these days, even the Wahhabis, would prepare swords and horses if Iraq were to invade us again; we understand that it is a parable. Yet the Wahhabi interpretation of the Quran is literal in almost everything else. If the Quran speaks in parable even once, then it must be open to interpretation in other areas as well, must it not?"

I shrugged. As an agnostic I had no background to debate theology, and even more when it was the theology of a faith about which I knew little.

"Ryan, I've talked to enough of the girls here in Canada to see how life is. Things are not perfect for them, and some of them complain about equality here. But they do not realize how equal they are, that they have the right to dress, act, and say what they want, and that the police and the courts will, for the most part, back up their rights to do so. I was apprehensive coming here, knowing that your society was secular. But I have started to maybe see some of the advantages of that; the tolerance you take for granted here is something that feels strange but also liberating to me.

"I would never have chosen to live with a strange male roommate here. But this is the path God has chosen for me, and I think I owe it to myself to live as a Western woman would, here, so long as no one back home ever finds out, inshallah. I prayed for the courage to make the changes I have dreamed about making in my homeland, and perhaps this is God's answer. Perhaps I have been guided here for a reason."

The conversation marked a turning point in our relationship, as Rania started opening up to me more and more over the next few weeks. She turned out to be an excellent cook, and we bonded taking turns teaching each other the nuances of each other's cuisines. I taught her how to roll and dry pasta dough, how to batter and fry chicken the southern way, how to blanche and deep fry potatoes into perfect French fries, how to do an English roast beef with Yorkshire pudding the way my English mother had taught me. She taught me how to layer a biryani and to make a spice rub for kebabs, how to make curries and stews from scratch, and how to properly cook flatbreads.

We started living together as any platonic roommates would, hanging out in the evenings, watching Netflix, reading, or just chatting. We spent a lot of time comparing notes on our societies, childhoods, and upbringings, and she really seemed interested in learning everything she could about how Canadian society worked. On weekends I took her to some of the minimal tourist attractions in our area, but she seemed to enjoy just seeing what was out there, even if it was mostly just farmland. We even did a day trip to Niagara Falls, which she loved, though I was unable to convince her to enter the casino or to stay overnight in a hotel. Once Rania's prim and proper façade was dismantled, I had discovered that the person underneath was a thoughtful, outgoing and intelligent young woman, and I found myself regretting that she would be leaving so soon.

Late one evening in November, we were hanging out in our pyjamas, and had just finished watching some forgettable romantic comedy where the girl chose the right guy in the end over the attractive cad, blah, blah, blah, when Rania turned to me. "Ryan..." she began, then trailed off, hesitating.

"Yes?"

"Is it okay if I ask you a very personal question?" She stared at the floor, biting her lower lip.

"I can't promise to answer, but you can ask me anything you want, and I'll answer honestly if I'm comfortable with it", I responded.

"Well..." she began. "We get western movies like this one in Saudi Arabia too, and I've never known how true to life they are. Relations between men and women are very different here from what I am used to, and I've been trying to learn as much as I can about all aspects of it. I've had conversations with some of the western women I've become friends with, and one thing I'm confused about is what dating is actually like in the West, whether it's actually the way it is in movies, or whatever. It's just so foreign of a concept to me.

"The girls I have met have been helpful in answering my questions about dating and sex, and I can't believe how nonchalant some of them are about it! One girl I know has had sex with over 50 men, and she seems happy, fine and well-adjusted! Puritanism is ingrained in my culture, even though we are all just as obsessed with sex as anyone else. I've talked to girls back home, and to girls here, but I really want to know a man's perspective on it, and I thought maybe I could just ask you because I will never know another Western man the way I know you." She ran out of breath near the end of the sentence and spoke it very fast, then stared at the floor, her olive skin flushed bright crimson.

"I don't mind talking, I promise you, as long as it's not a monologue", I answered. "Can I ask you questions about Saudi Arabia too?"

"Yes, though I don't know what there is to say", she responded. "We don't have dating."

"What would you like to know?" I asked.

"The concept of dating is just so foreign to me", she responded. "Like, I am aware that it is the men who ask out the women, but how do you know whom to ask? How do you meet people and how do two people decide to date each other?"

"Meeting new partners isn't that different from meeting new friends", I responded. "Like, we socialize with women all the time, at work, hobbies, school, whatever, or we use the internet. You have to learn how to read non-verbal cues to see if a woman likes you, like her body language. If I'm interested in a woman I'll flirt with her, and if she flirts back, then it's probably a good sign. If she doesn't flirt back, then maybe we'll just be platonic friends. I have female friends that I have no interest in dating, because a relationship at its core is just a really deep and caring friendship that also has a strong level of mutual physical attraction."

"I have never had a male friend, apart from you", Rania said quietly. "It is simply not done. If I were to have a male friend at home it would cause a scandal, even if we were platonic. Men's space is men's, and women's space is women's."

"Our society was like that once", I said, preparing to get my history nerd on. "Back in the Victorian and Edwardian periods, men had their clubs where they would go to drink brandy and play cards, women would stay at home and socialize with each other. It was the women in our society, fighting for equality, beginning with the suffragettes, that started to make all of these spaces coed. Now it's just accepted that there aren't really a lot of spaces that are intended only for one sex. It's considered discrimination, and it's against the law."

"Maybe someday..." Rania said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't even know how to tell if a man was interested in me. It feels strange enough sitting here with you, in my pyjamas, talking about relations between the sexes."

"What else would you like to know?" I asked.

"You have dated many women?"

"I've had three long term girlfriends", I answered. Jocelyn I've told you about already. I also had a girlfriend in high school, Bethany, that I dated until partway through my first year of university, and another girl that I was with for a couple of years in university, Caitlin. Bethany and Caitlin I met in classes, Jocelyn I met through mutual friends when we were both in grad school. In each case, they were just girls I was attracted to and I could tell they were attracted to me. I asked them out, they said yes."

"How could you tell?"

"Body language, like the way they looked at me, touched me, acted around me. It's hard to describe, but you know it when you see it."

"And breaking up with them?" she continued. "Divorce is difficult to obtain in Saudi Arabia; how do you decide to end a relationship?"

"It varies", I answered. "Bethany went to a different university than I did. We tried to keep it going long distance, but that only lasted until Thanksgiving weekend. Both of us were ready to start seeing other people in first year and realized our high school relationship wasn't actually meant to last forever. We're friends on Facebook -- she's married now, has two kids, seems happy. Caitlin was cheating on me. Once I found out, it was over. I haven't spoken to her since we broke up. And Jocelyn I've told you about already."

"So because you dated these women for so long..." Rania trailed off, and flushed with embarrassment. "You are not a virgin, I assume?"

"No, I'm not," I responded. "You are, I assume?"

"Yes, of course. If my future husband found out he was not my first, it would cause shame and could ruin me." She paused. "So you've had sex with three women?"

It was my turn to blush. "I've had five. By western standards that's not a lot for a guy my age, but I've been in long-term relationships for most of my adult life. Bethany and I were each other's first. I obviously slept with Caitlin and Jocelyn, and I had a couple of one-night stands in my first year of university."

"And your future wife wouldn't mind?"

"No, it's not something that most people care about here, though some religious types still do. We have our own religious puritans in Canada, they just aren't in control the way they are over there." Rania nodded.

"To be honest, I wouldn't marry a woman I hadn't had sex with", I said. "Sex is a big part of any healthy relationship, and just like you want to know you're compatible with your partner emotionally, financially, intellectually, etc., you have to be compatible sexually. Some people want sex every day, some people want it once a month. Put those two people together in a marriage and there's always going to be an underlying tension in their relationship. One person feels frustrated and the other one feels like they're always having demands made of them."

"I never thought about any of that", Rania admitted, "but that makes a lot of sense. Of course, we are not even allowed to really date in Saudi Arabia, let alone have sex with each other. You have to hope you and your husband are compatible, and if you're not, then you make your own life as best you can. I have never even met my future husband, so it is hard for me to really think about what my life will be like with him. But a lot of people in marriages don't even spend that much time together. Like I said, men socialize with men and women with women, even after marriage. The relationships I've seen here seem more like people who are deep, special, best friends but also who have sex with each other. I never knew it was even possible to have a platonic male friend, but then again, you're not like the men back home." She smiled at me.

"So you don't have any sexual outlets at all until marriage?" I asked.

Rania blushed again. "We're not supposed to. I believe that in Christianity it is the same as in Islam, that sex outside of marriage is haram, forbidden. It seems you all just ignore those rules, or you are not Christian."

"We have a separation of church and state, and yeah, a lot of people here are pretty secular. I know a lot of religious people still wait until marriage, but most of the people I know either aren't particularly religious, or they choose to follow their own path. Since we don't have a state religion, I think people feel more free in general to choose the elements of religion that matter to them, and to make their own decisions about morality."

"The church and the state are one and the same in Islam. And apostasy is punishable by death in Saudi Arabia."

"Wow."

"So you understand", Rania continued, "it is not simply a matter of becoming secular and deciding you are going to sleep with people. The whole society is set up to prevent any possibility of that happening. You'd have to be mad to have an affair with a man. So we have no officially sanctioned sexual outlets, apart from marriage."

I swallowed, unsure if my next question was appropriate to ask, but I decided to go ahead. "What about masturbation?"

Rania blushed again, and looked away in embarrassment.

"It's okay, you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable", I said.

"No, it's okay", she responded, gathering her courage. "It is haram to masturbate as well, for both sexes. For men, I think that society quietly accepts that they are going to masturbate, and as long as they perform ghusl afterwards, the ritual cleaning, then it's not that big a deal. I mean, they're not supposed to. But everyone knows they do, and it doesn't seem to affect anything. Women, on the other hand, are just assumed not to feel any sexual desire unless it is in the presence of a man." She rolled her eyes.

"In the time of the prophet, the caliph Ali said that 'God created sexual desire in 10 parts; then he gave nine parts to women and one to men'. So on the one hand, our culture sees us as foul and insatiable temptresses that exist to lure men off the straight and narrow path, and on the other hand, we are assumed to be pure and clean and not feel any desire at all until marriage, and then, to only desire our husbands. I think all Saudi women accept that's not realistic; I definitely have days when I can feel all nine parts of desire inside me, and I am not married. But society is so bipolar about women's sexuality, and I can tell you that as a result, teenage girls in Saudi Arabia are some of the most confused, repressed, horny girls on the planet. And the clerics wouldn't believe it, but yes, we do take care of our desires on our own when we need to."

"So where does that leave you? Where does that leave Saudi women?" I asked.

"It depends. You may know that most of the hijackers who attacked the United States on 9/11 were Saudi citizens. Most people did not want to believe that when it became known, or accused it of being an Israeli conspiracy. But for a large group of the population, finding out it was our brothers who did such a heinous act led to some soul-searching. There is a certain unstated belief in my country, at least among the liberals, that at least some of the radical hatred that fuels young men to commit terrorist acts was borne of sexual frustration. You have these hot-blooded young men with no socially acceptable way to channel their frustrations, and then these radical imams use them for political gains. I don't know how true it is, but it is worth telling that in such a conservative country, we have a very liberal program aimed at re-integrating former terrorists into society once they're released from prison. And apart from meeting with imams to try to show them where their interpretation of the Quran was mistaken, one of the first other things they do to these young men is find them a wife."