Parts of Desire Ch. 01

"And what do the women think of this?"

"I can't speak from personal experience, but I've heard that sex is a disaster between Saudi men and women anyway, because the men see us as property and aren't really interested in learning how the female body works. So, just like with so much else in our lives, we women take solace in each other."

"You can't speak from personal experience on that, either?" I asked.

Rania stared at the floor. "I..." She took a deep breath. "I have a special friend in university. No one questions two women going out shopping or to eat, or spending lots of time alone. So we take solace in each other. It is romantic, it is slow, it is everything I've heard sex with men is not. Sometimes we touch each other romantically. Sometimes we just hold each other for hours or sleep in the same bed. I am not a lesbian, and I have no sexual attraction to my friend. When I feel lust, I lust for men. My friend and I just take care of each other's needs in a safe way, in a way that our society would not allow.

"I have heard that there are men back home that take care of each other in the same fashion. It is not considered gay unless you're the receiving partner. And all because our society can't handle heterosexual men and women having relations with each other.

"For me, sometimes it is relief of my lust. Sometimes it is just closeness. I really miss close contact with other people when I haven't had it for a long time. In our society, women hug and touch each other freely, because it is not assumed to be sexual. The men do as well. People here in Canada touch each other a lot less frequently, and probably because it is assumed to be sexual. The coldness here is not just the weather. I miss the warmth of another person, and not just in a sexual sense."

"I miss physical contact too", I agreed. "It's been a long time for me."

I caught Rania's eye, and as I did she looked away. I slowly got up and moved towards her, carefully, watching for any signs of resistance or discomfort. Seeing none, I sat beside her, and wrapped my arm around her. After a moment's hesitation, she snuggled in, and lay her head on my shoulder.

"I have never cuddled with a man before", she said wistfully, after a minute or so of snuggling wordlessly. "Your body is so much stronger and firmer than a woman's body. It is not unpleasant." Rania shifted so that she was leaning her back against me more, and my draped arm brushed against her soft breast as she did so. I detected no sign of a bra. I also noticed her nipples starting to perk up through her pyjama top, and I could feel her heart pounding relentlessly against my forearm. She exhaled deeply and with pleasure.

"What else would you like to know?" I asked.

"How is sex not a big deal to all of you?"

"It is a big deal, at least at first", I responded. "When you haven't had it, it seems like it's this huge, exciting, terrifying thing, which I'm sure is pretty close to how you feel about it." She nodded. "Most people here agonize over the decision to lose their virginity, and apart from the few of us that lose it in a drunken hookup or something, most of us wait until we are in a committed relationship before doing it. Bethany and I went from making out to fooling around naked really quickly, but we agonized over the final step for months before finally deciding it was right to do it. And our first time was kind of a disaster, I came way too fast and it hurt for her, but we kept at it, and eventually figured out how to get good at it.

"Sex only stops being a big deal when it becomes a normal part of your life. It was very exciting for me the first time I drove a car; now it's just something I do to get around. Same with the first time I flew on an airplane, and a lot of other first time things."

"So it stops being special after a while?" she asked.

"Well, yes and no. It never stops being exciting, it never stops feeling amazing, and you never stop craving it. But all the cultural baggage around it eventually fades away and it just becomes a normal part of your life. The first time you do anything will always be a bigger deal than the five-hundredth. Though I also admit it feels like a bigger deal to me now than it used to, because I haven't had any in months."

"So you're craving it more now than you used to."

"Yes", I said, slightly embarrassed.

Rania considered this. "I think I can see what you're getting at. I still think of it as being a big deal, because it's haram. But I don't have the same thoughts about spending time with my friend, even if we are going to be sexual with each other. I think maybe I just wasn't thinking of what we do as sex, because she's a woman and there's no penetration. Even though we both, you know, reach climax with each other." Rania paused again, clearly turning something over in her head. "You don't have to answer this if it is too forward, but how does it feel as a man to have sex with a woman?"

I grinned. "It feels amazing. Do you want more detail?"

"Are you going to make me say it?" She glared at me in mock frustration.

"Well, when a guy's got an erection, the whole thing swells up and becomes incredibly sensitive to touch all over. What feels best is all-over stimulation, heat, and wetness. And, as I'm sure you know, a vagina, when it's aroused, is incredibly warm, incredibly wet, and incredibly tight. So it's like taking the most sensitive part of my body and putting it into something that hits every single mark for what feels good. And then you throw in the fact that you're also entering inside another human being, who is beautiful, and naked, and wants you as badly as you want her, and you can see her skin flushed, and her tits bouncing as you enter her, and hear her moaning your name, and, well, it's just the best thing you can imagine". Rania shivered noticeably against me, and I noticed her legs part as I spoke.

"I have never seen a penis before", she said. "Some of my friends have seen their brothers when they were changing his diapers or something, but I have no brother, so I can't even say that."

"What about in porn?" I asked.

"We are not allowed to watch porn in Saudi Arabia, it's illegal, and we have an internet firewall that keeps adult sites out", she responded.

"It's legal here, and we don't have an internet firewall..." I prodded, before I could stop myself.

Rania sat up and turned to face me, clearly turning something over in her head. "I... I may have looked once or twice", she admitted, embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it, I watch porn all the time", I responded.

"You do?"

"Of course", I answered. "Some university tried to do a study a couple of years ago about men's responses to porn and needed a control group of men that had never seen porn. And they couldn't find any. Literally 100% of men here watch porn, or at least they have before even if they don't do it now. Jocelyn watched it too, and so do a bunch of my female friends. It's not that big a deal."

"I don't know", Rania said, "how it could not be a big deal. I feel like I am sinning every time I watch it, and I both hate and love the way it makes me feel inside when I do. But I have learned a lot by watching it." She paused, collecting her thoughts, then leaned back into me. I noticed her large nipples were now poking aggressively through her top. I was also starting to feel it -- I never wear underwear with pyjama bottoms, and I was trying to hide my unconstrained erection from Rania as it roamed around in my pants.

"Is it different having sex with different women or are they all the same?" she asked.

"It's totally different", I responded. "People are different physically as well as emotionally. I haven't been with a huge number of women, but obviously different women have different body types, some are loud and some are quiet, some are aggressive and some are passive, some are 'vanilla' as we say in English and are only interested in more normal sex, some are kinky and into strange things. Caitlin was a huge submissive and into bondage, so while I was dating her I got used to being dominant, even though it didn't come naturally to me. But I'm not into that myself, really, so once we broke up I stopped doing that kind of thing. Hell, even different vaginas feel different on the inside. Some are looser and some are tighter, some get wetter than others, some are soft and some are angular inside. I'd imagine men are the same too, some cocks are bigger and smaller and obviously we're all also into different things."

Rania had gotten very squirmy, like she was having trouble keeping still, and was still lying with her legs spread open. "I wonder what my vagina would feel like to a man", she finally said, wistfully. "It gets very wet when I'm excited."

"That would be a good thing", I squeaked.

She suddenly sat up and turned back to face me. As she turned, she noticed the tent in my pyjama bottoms for the first time, and pulled back, surprised. "Is that..."

"Yes."

"Did I do that?"

"Yes."

The girl stared, enthralled, and my erection jumped from excitement. Her jaw dropped. "You can move it just like that? Without your hands?"

"Yep!" I did it again for emphasis.

"Amazing!" She reached out excitedly to touch it, then, remembering herself, immediately yanked her hand back. I could see the lust running through her eyes as she licked her lips unconsciously. A pregnant pause hung in the air.

"I'm only asking you this because I think you want to, but are afraid to ask, so please forgive me if I'm wrong on this", I started, hesitantly. "Would you like to see it?"

Rania's mouth opened and closed, wordlessly, like her mind was approaching overload. Finally, she managed a tiny nod. I reached into my pyjama pants and pulled my cock out. As far as I'm concerned my dick isn't anything special -- circumcised, about average length and girth, but Rania stared like it was the size of a baseball bat.

"It's huge! How will that ever fit inside me?" She suddenly covered her mouth, shocked at what she'd just said. "I mean..."

"It's okay", I said, "I know what you meant. You've mentioned that your virginity is a big deal to you and I have no intention of taking yours tonight." I waited again until the look of shock wore off her face. She hadn't broken her gaze since I pulled it out, and was still staring unabashedly. "Do you want to see me cum?"

Rania gave a tiny nod again.

I started gently stroking my shaft, staring at Rania's body in her green pyjamas. Her nipples were the size of gumdrops on her gently curving breasts, and she sat staring in a most unladylike pose, with one leg on the ground and the other on the couch so that her crotch was wide open and facing me directly, though covered. Her face and upper chest were flushed and her eyes were on fire with lust, and I noticed she had undone the top button of her pyjama top, revealing just a hint of cleavage. She was unconsciously tracing a pattern up and down her body with her left hand, from her thighs up to her breasts and back down, and breathing heavily.

I reached out and took her by the hand, and as I did so I could feel her shaking with nervousness. I pulled her towards me, gently, intending for her to come back and cuddle in for a better view of my erection, but she surprised me by standing up and then straddling me on the couch.

All of a sudden I could feel the hot oven between her legs as she leaned in and pressed her crotch firmly into mine and started grinding with a certain desperation. Her clothed left breast pressed against my face, and I could feel her nipple poking my cheek as she reached out and started running her hands through my hair. I took her by the hips and guided her into a rhythm, and a soft, feminine grunt escaped her lips as she started bouncing against my cock. I hadn't been dry humped by a girl since I was 18, and yet as I felt Rania's pace increase I wondered why I'd always been in such a hurry to get women undressed. Dry humping was still awesome!

The buildup of the evening was too much, and within a couple of minutes I could feel my orgasm approaching. I knew she had wanted to see it, so I pushed her back and pointed as I took hold of my cock in my right hand and stared pumping. Rania fixed her eyes, and while still kneeling in my lap, she slid her right hand into her pyjama bottoms and started frigging away with abandon at a speed and pace matching my own. I could hear the wet schlicking noise through the soft material, and the sight of her still straddling me and fingering herself so recklessly sent me over the edge. I grunted as I erupted one, two, three spurts of hot white cum directly onto the crotch of her PJ's.

As soon as I was done, Rania took my hand, still wet with what was left of my orgasm, and attached it to her breast, and I latched on firmly as she moaned loudly and came with a violent shudder. As soon as her orgasm hit she collapsed in a heap into my arms, and I could feel the last ministrations of her fingers working between her legs against my own crotch, riding her through the orgasm, as she panted in my ear and her body quaked and heaved with exertion.

We lay wrapped together for a few moments, basking in the post-orgasmic glow, when all of a sudden Rania bolted upright, semen stains still prominent on the crotch and breast of her pyjamas.

"Thank you, Mr. Marion, for the information, good night", she breathed quickly and bolted for the safety of her room. I heard the door lock behind her. I went to her door and knocked, trying to see if she was okay, but there was no response, so I finally gave up and went to bed, hoping we hadn't ruined our budding friendship.

The next morning, Rania had already left the apartment before I got up. I texted her asking if she was all right, but got no response. I worried throughout the day, and as the afternoon dragged on, I noticed it had started snowing; the first snow of the year. Finally, with it approaching 5:30, and with a light dusting of snow starting to accumulate as the light started to recede, I heard a key in the lock, and Rania burst in, with a look of childlike pleasure on her face.

"The snow is so beautiful and SO COLD!", she exclaimed. "How do you live in such a place?"

"I love the snow!", I responded. "I'll have to take you skating once the rink opens in the park."

"I have been skating once before, there is an ice surface at one of the malls in Riyadh", she responded. "They occasionally close it to men so that the women are allowed to skate. But I bet it would be even more fun outdoors."

An awkward silence descended as Rania removed her coat.

"About last night..." I started.

"I owe you an apology", she interrupted.

"Wait", I said, confused. "Why do you owe me an apology?"

"Because I lost control of my lust", she said, staring at the floor with embarrassment. "I took advantage of your willingness to answer questions, and I pushed you too far."

"No, I don't think so, I was totally willing and comfortable with everything that happened", I responded. "I was worried I'd taken advantage of you!"

Rania removed her abeya and hijab and sat down in the kitchen, thinking, a look of profound relief plastered across her face. "I'm so glad that things are okay with you. I was too ashamed of myself to face you this morning."

She paused, thinking. "Was last night 'normal' by Western standards? Is that how it happens? I always pictured that sexual contact would be more, I don't know, romantic. Like in the movies. I don't think I've seen a movie where there was that much grunting. Or that much fluid." She made a face. "This was just hormones getting out of control."

"I can assure you", I said, "that last night was no different than what happens with two consenting teenagers anywhere in Canada. I haven't done that in years, but only because once both partners have had sex, you find there's not much of a reason to keep your clothes on."

She considered what I had said. "I'm glad you're okay. You mean a lot to me as my friend and roommate and I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. I'm feeling so conflicted, though. I cannot help but feel like I've committed a huge sin. Like God is going to punish me, or like everyone I know is going to find out. I felt like everyone at school today could somehow smell it on me or something. And I also can't stop thinking about how much fun it was, and how badly I want to do it again."

I grinned at her. "I had fun too, and if you wanted to do it again, I wouldn't say no."

"I don't know if I should tell you this, but I started my period this morning, so I'm not going to be able to do anything else sexual for a while, even if I wanted to", Rania said with an edge of disappointment. "And then next week I'm going to Toronto for four days for research, so whatever happens, it's going to be a little while. I'm going to give some thought to examining my feelings, and maybe we can talk again then."

The next week passed with no awkwardness between us. I tried to flirt with her a little bit in the house, but she mostly wasn't interested, so after striking out a few times I gave up. Rania eventually left for Toronto, and the next day I got the big news being that I finally landed a new job, at the same mid-level management kind of position I had been at with my old company. I still was no closer to figuring out what I wanted out of my life, but at least I'd be earning a salary again. I toasted my success to my empty apartment, called my parents to let them know, and realized how much I was going to miss Rania when she left after Christmas. Once again my apartment seemed very empty.

I hadn't ever expected to develop feelings for a woman who was so out of reach, and I also didn't know even if I had feelings for her. I felt protective of her, and I wanted to teach her things, but she was also eleven years my junior, and she had a fiancé back home, even if she'd never met him. She was also, inevitably, leaving in a little over three weeks, and I doubted I would ever see her again afterwards.

I'd read Dan Savage's sex advice column since I was in high school, and I remembered him talking about the "campsite rule" about taking on a much younger or less experienced partner; that is, leave the young partner in better condition than you found them. I was determined that if we did continue to fool around, then no matter what else came of it, I would leave her happy and satisfied with the experience, and with only good memories. My conclusion was that the last three weeks of our friendship were, and would have to be, entirely within her control. If she chose to continue things with me, then I would do my best to be a kind, patient teacher and lover. But she was the one who would have to face the consequences of any of her actions, if discovered, in a society that was not likely to forgive and forget.

She returned on a bright, cold Saturday afternoon in December, with snow in the air and Christmas decorations hung festively around the downtown. We went skating in the park, and I enjoyed skating backwards in front of her, taking her by the hands and guiding her around the ice as she shrieked with delight. Anyone watching us would have thought we were a couple. Once Rania's ankles had had enough of the skating, we retired to the warmth of the chalet for hot chocolate, another Western delicacy she hadn't tried before. As I stared at her face, frozen with the cold but happy and warm with pleasure, even partially hidden by her headscarf, I couldn't help but feeling like I was falling for her.

We finally made it home after a late dinner at a kebab place nearby that made a passable version of an Arabian mixed grill. Rania was homesick, and even as she tried to like, or at least tolerate winter, I could tell that she was ready to be back in the warmth of her desert homeland. I made a move to the couch as we kicked off our winter clothes, but she shook her head, and beckoned at me to follow. I walked behind her as she made the right turn into my bedroom and climbed under the covers, still shivering from the frigid temperatures outside. I climbed in after her, still fully clothed, and she immediately curled into me.