Rocky Mountain High

Elton was close to tearing up again himself but willed himself not to let it happen. He put his arms around her and said, "You stole my thunder. I feel exactly the same way. It's as though fate or the cosmos or something didn't want this to happen." He pulled back and said, "I'll miss you, Layne. A lot. And I'll think of you often. You take good care and all the best, okay?"

"You too, Counselor," she said forcing a smile. "Would it be okay to kiss you?"

"Very," he said smiling back.

It was a short but meaningful kiss. He saw Layne's eyes filled with tears as it ended. "So...I guess this is it."

"Let's not say goodbye. How about 'see you later'?"

"Sure. That works. See you later, study buddy."

They hugged one more time. "Can't be late," she said wiping her eyes. She almost felt compelled to say 'goodbye' and it was awkward not doing so. "See you," she said again before turning to quickly walk away.

He stood there and waved as the car backed out of the driveway. As it took off down the street Elton cursed. "Shit!" He'd teared up again but at least Layne hadn't seen it this time. He went inside and poured himself another cup of coffee and thought back on all that had happened in the last three months—some good, some bad, some downright ugly. It was his past now and a part of him. But the past was well, the past, and there was nothing that could be done about it. The future lied ahead and it was a future filled with a fresh start and hope and optimism.

The two days Lorraine was away passed slowly but as time always does, it passed. He heard her open the door and call his name. "Elton? Are you home? It's me, Lorraine."

He smiled wondering if she really thought he might assume it could be anyone else. The smiled quickly faded as he went to the door to welcome her home. He dreaded asking but it was the only possible topic so he said, "How are you doing?"

She looked so small and fragile—even vulnerable. She was as beautiful as ever, but the pain and hurt were all over her face. She didn't speak. She just shook her head. As with Layne, he saw her eyes tearing up, too. Finally she said, "I held it together for Layne. I promised her I wouldn't cry and I didn't even when she did. But...."

Lorraine lost it and Elton could do only one thing. He walked over and held her. He didn't tell her it would be okay. He didn't try to calm her or soothe her. "Let it out," he said as he placed a hand behind her head and laid it on his shoulder. "Go ahead. Cry it out. I'm right here for you."

Lorraine cried and cried then began sobbing. All the while Elton just held her tight. When she could finally speak again she said, "This is almost like losing my husband." She couldn't speak clearly or smoothly yet, but she was talking. "I had all summer to get ready for this and now...now she's gone!" Again, Lorraine was wracked with sobs and there was no chance Elton was going to remind her she'd see here again soon and many times thereafter. This was her baby; her only child; her last and only living connection to her late husband. She was entitled to cry and even grieve because in a way, she had lost her daughter.

At least five minutes passed before Lorraine felt strong enough to let go. When she did, she didn't look up. She just said, "Thank you for being so supportive, Elton. I think I'd have died had I come home to an empty house."

Just then her cat, Emmy, meowed as if to say, "I'm here, Mom."

She went over and picked her up and said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to forget about you." She held her like a baby scratching her ears and petting her.

"Can I get you some coffee or juice of maybe something stronger?" Elton asked.

It was after 10pm and Lorraine said, "I think I'm just going to take a shower and lay down. Thank you, though. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

It was just after midnight when Elton heard her. He was watching some mindless comedy on TV and wasn't really paying attention. He had the volume down low for Lorraine, but even so he wasn't sure at first if he'd heard it. He muted the TV then knew for sure.

It was the unmistakable sound of a woman crying. He wanted to comfort her again, but now it was just so inappropriate. She was a widow in her own bed in her home and he barely knew her. Yet she was a woman and she was hurting and it was his natural instinct to comfort her. He sat there for over half an hour and gutted it out but when it kept going, he couldn't take anymore.

He walked down the hallway, stood by her door, and heard the sobs. He knocked softly then said, "Lorraine? Are you okay?"

"Yes," he heard a gurgled voice say. "I'm fine, Elton." Each word was jagged as she gasped for air.

"I'm coming in," he said without waiting for a reply.

She looked over at him and her eyes were more bloodshot than Trisha's after smoking an entire joint. There were tears and even snot all over her lip and a pile of Kleenex on the floor beside her. He kicked them out of the way and sat down on the edge of the bed.

He reached over and cradled her and Lorraine came completely unglued. Again, he let her cry but this time he held her until it was all out of her. The sobs waxed and waned for another half hour before he heard her trying to breathe in deeply and slowly. It was very shaky for a while but at some point it smoothed out.

"Better?" he asked stroking her hair.

She nodded into his chest. "Yes, thank you." She held him for a while then said, "I've really made a great impression on you, haven't I?"

He wanted to at least try and lighten the mood so he said, "Yeah, you're such a girl!"

She playfully punched him in the stomach and said, "I am a girl and I'm allowed to cry. Don't be so mean."

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head and said, "You know I'm only teasing, right?"

She looked up at him and her face was a swollen, puffy mess and yet she still looked so beautiful to him. Her eyes met his and moved rapidly back and forth for a few moments. Then without warning she raised up and kissed him. It was a short, soft kiss that stirred him unlike anything had in a very long time.

"Oh, my God. I am SO sorry. I have no idea what just came over me. Elton, please forgive me, I...."

"Shhh. It's okay," he said continuing to stroke her hair. "You're hurting. I'm comforting you. That's just a human reaction."

After another minute or so Lorraine told him she was fine and managed a smile. She even got up saying she needed to wash her face and get some sleep. "Thank you though, Elton. It's so nice to have someone here."

Nothing was said about 'the kiss' for the next two weeks as the two unlikely housemates lived their lives around one another chatting casually during dinner and got to know one another better.

The following week, Lorraine asked Elton how long it had been since he'd gone to a movie and he had to admit it had been several years. "Same here," she said. "Would you maybe like to go see something together one of these days?"

"You know what? That sounds really nice," he told her. "I'm just not sure I can afford it. My cash reserves are running very low and I'm going to have to get a part-time job here very soon."

"Nonsense!" she told him. "I'm so grateful to have some company I'm happy to buy a silly movie ticket. Come on. Let's go have some fun!"

Lorraine chose a romantic comedy and it turned out to be both funny and romantic. Elton was a little surprised but not disappointed when during the most romantic part of the movie, Lorraine slid her arm under his then rested her head on his shoulder. Just she smell of her shampoo was enough to cause that old familiar stirring and his arm made its way around her shoulder. Lorraine then scooched in closer and after a short while rested her hand on his chest.

Toward the end, there was a breakup of the main couple and Elton sensed she was getting emotional so he pulled her shoulder in close and said, "You okay?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes. Everything is perfect." Then she kissed him again. This time, he wasn't as surprised and briefly kissed her back. When it ended nothing more was said until they were on their way home, but what had just happened felt so wrong. There was no reason it should. I just did.

"Elton? Is it too forward of me to tell you I like you and would like to go out with you sometime on a real date?" Lorraine asked out of the blue.

"No, not at all," he told her. "That might actually be nice." He still hadn't processed this second kiss and here was agreeing to a date. A date. He was supposed to go one with Layne or possibly even more. As he thought of her, he asked, "Have you heard from Layne yet?" he asked.

"Oh. Right. Yes. Yes, I have," Lorraine told him. "I've gotten a couple of letters."

"How's she doing?" he asked not sure why Lorraine was acting rather strangely.

"Good. It's very different, of course, but she seems to like OTS."

OTS was Officer Training School conducted at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. Technically, Layne was going through COT, Commissioned Officer Training which was for professionals such as doctors, lawyers, chaplains, etc.

"How long does she have left now?" Elton inquired.

"About two weeks," she said. "I'm flying to San Antonio for her graduation, by the way. I'll have to get a pet sitter for Emmy."

"Oh, that sounds great. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see you." Lorraine didn't mention Elton attending which surprised him even though he couldn't afford the cost of a plane ticket. "Any idea where she'll be stationed yet?"

"She just found out, as a matter of fact," Lorraine told him. "Ironically, she's going right back to the Air Force Academy."

Elton laughed. "You join the Air Force to see the world and end up back home. That's almost funny."

"Well, I'm certainly glad she'll be nearby," her mother said.

"Has she asked about me at all?" he asked unsure why he even asked.

Lorraine hesitated then said something that sounded a bit odd. "Um...no, not really anyway. I guess she's been too busy to think about such things." Her back was turned to him as she spoke.

They chatted a little more after they got home and when they hugged goodnight, Lorraine kissed him again. Elton didn't fight it, but he just wasn't 'feeling it.' He couldn't put his finger on why, but something felt wrong and whatever 'it' was, it was bothering him to no end.

The next day he was trying to find a needle and thread to sew a button back on and ended up looking in Lorraine's room. What he found purely by accident were three letters from Layne addressed to her mom and one addressed to him laying in a dresser drawer. It was opened and curiosity overcame him. He pulled it out and began reading:

"Dear Elton,

I know my mom gave you the page I wrote to you in my first letter and I was hoping to have heard from you by now. That you chose not to respond answers my question and I respect your decision. I can't help but feel regret for not telling you how I really feel, but I tend to write better than I speak and thought that might be the better venue.

Things are busy here and it's actually kind of enjoyable. I'm looking forward to finishing up and getting to my first duty station. Because I'll be back in Colorado, I truly hoped we might have been able to see if perhaps there was more to our friendship than just studying the law together, but now I have my answer in the form of a non-response.

I'm disappointed, but not upset. Again, I respect your decision and I wish you all the best as you begin your new career.

With deep fondness,

Layne

PS. Until I pass the bar I'll essentially be a glorified paralegal but as they say 'it is what it is', right? Take care of yourself, okay?"

He folded the letter and carefully returned it to the envelope. He looked at the other letters to see which had the earliest postmark, then sat on Lorraine's bed as he pulled out the letter. Just as Layne had said, there was a page with his name on the outside. It had been taped shut, but the tape had been removed.

His heart raced as he opened it and read the first lines.

"Dearest Elton,

I've been here for a week and although we stay very busy I've been unable to get you off my mind. I think about you every free moment and I even dream about you. Rather, I dream about us and what might have been.

It may well be too late, but I feel the need to tell you I wanted much more than a friendship, but even after you were 'single' I couldn't find the right time. You seemed so unsettled and I knew it was too soon for another serious relationship. Even so, I wanted to let you know how I felt so badly my heart often hurt. Every time I looked at you I felt like a little girl with a terrible schoolgirl crush on a boy she could never have. I wanted you to look at me like that too, and yes, I wanted you to tell me you felt the same way. When you didn't, and especially when I found out I was leaving on such short notice, I stuffed my feelings, but they won't go away.

Please don't think I'm crazy or saying this because I'm lonely. I do miss my mom (and you) but that has nothing to do with it. Elton, I'm in love with you and have been for quite a while. I don't expect you to share my love, but I could not go any longer without letting you know. I do love you and I believe I always will. You are everything I've ever dreamed about in a husband and more.

I'm not very good at opening myself up to potential hurt but in this case, the risk is worth the potential gain. If you can find it in your heart to tell me how you feel—regardless of the answer—I will be very grateful. Holding on to hope is one thing. Holding on to the impossible is another. Do I have reason to hope or should I accept that my love is unrequited?

Either way, I hope you will write me back so I can move on with my life as I am stuck in this god-awful limbo of loving a man who has no idea I do. Or at least he didn't until he read this. If you didn't think I've lost my mind at the beginning of this letter, I'm sure you do by now. :-)

Please take care of yourself and know I wish only the best for you whether or not your future includes me.

With all my love,

Layne"

Elton sat there for several minutes reading and re-reading her letter. His heart was pounding furiously in his chest. His hands were sweaty. And then a flash of anger washed over him. Lorraine had purposely kept this from him and his anger drove him to look through Layne's letter to her even as he realized he was now betraying Layne the way her mother had betrayed him.

He skimmed it until he got to a paragraph that read, "When I left, you asked me how I felt about Elton and although I told you I wasn't sure, I did tell you I thought I might be in love with him. I know you have feelings for him too, and I could never stand letting any man come between us. And yet, after being here without him for these first days, I find myself unable to think of anyone or anything else. Can you please give him the page I wrote and ask him to write me? That said, if he's expressed feelings for you or if by chance you're already going out, then don't give it to him but please, please let me know either way. If he loves you, then so be it. But if not, I need him to know how I feel. You know I would never hurt you and especially not over a man—any man. Not even Elton. I love you, Mom and I always will. So do as you think best, but please let me know something as soon as possible."

He put the letter back and as badly as he wanted to read the other letter, he chose not to make things any worse by doing so. He did however, leave the page to him on the kitchen counter where Lorraine would find it when she came home. He thought he had just enough money to find a studio apartment for a month which would give him time to find a temporary job and make ends meet until he could practice law should Lorraine ask him to leave.

She was all smiles when she came in and asked Elton how his day had been. "Not so good," he told her nodding to the letter.

Her smile evaporated when she saw it. "Oh, my God," she said. She didn't get angry and she didn't accuse of him of going through her things. It was almost as though she'd expected it.

"Do you want to discuss this?" he asked after she turned away from him.

"What's there to say?" she said. "I...I thought...I...I hoped that perhaps you had feelings for me." She turned around but didn't look at him. "The kind of feelings I have for you. That first time I kissed you—it wasn't an accident. Yes, I was sad Layne was gone but when you held me...I felt loved and cared for and my feelings spilled out. Then when you put your arm around me at the movies...." She turned back away from him and said, "I'm such a fool. A lonely, old fool."

Elton wanted to be angry but he couldn't. Knowing how screwed up his own mother was, the confusion this beautiful, older woman who'd lost her husband and her daughter was feeling became very real to him. He put his hand on her shoulders from behind and said, "It's okay. I'm not angry."

"Thank you," she told him. "I'm so embarrassed. I'm so ashamed of...."

"Don't be," he told her. "I do have feelings for you, Lorraine. Just not those kinds of feelings. You're an amazing, truly beautiful woman and I...."

She turned around and finally looked at him. "I can see why my daughter's so in love with you. I can't expect you to want to stay here with me after this, but please know you're more than welcome if you'd like to."

"I'd very much like to," he said offering her a hug.

"You're very brave," she said. "I could try and kiss you again, you know." She tried to smile and Elton smiled back.

"I'm willing to risk that," he told her.

They hugged for quite a while before Lorraine pulled away. "You probably have a letter to write so...may I make you anything for dinner?"

Elton laughed allowing Lorraine to almost laugh. "Thank you for not making me feel like a fool, Elton. You really are an amazing young man."

Nothing more was said about love or romance and Lorraine kept her distance. Two days before Layne's graduation, Elton told Lorraine he planned on driving to San Antonio even though Lorraine insisted on paying for a plane ticket. "No, sorry. That's extremely kind and generous of you, but I think I might be staying for a few days. Or at least I'm hoping I might."

Elton left a day before Lorraine flew out and after a 15-hour, 960-mile drive, arrived just hours before her. He got a few hours sleep at a local motel then headed to the base and followed the signs to graduation. As the crowd gathered, he watched for Lorraine and just fifteen minutes prior to the start of the ceremony he saw her.

"Care to join me?" he asked. She thanked him and sat next to him as they watched the ceremony unfold. It was relatively short compared to an enlisted graduation ceremony, but it was still very interesting and inspiring to see the color guard, the band, and watch the new second lieutenants pass in review. Well, there were a few first lieutenants and even some captains among the graduates; almost certainly medical doctors with specialities like surgery or orthopedics.

When the graduates were dismissed, Elton walked behind Lorraine until she spotted her daughter. "Mom!" he heard her call out to her.

Elton stayed back but he could see her clearly. Even in the semi-form fitting blue uniform which hid her curves, he could see how beautiful she was. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun and she seemed a bit thinner. No less beautiful, just a shade undernourished.

They hugged and smiled and laughed and then he heard Lorraine say, "Someone else is here to see you too, honey."

She turned so that Layne could look passed her. When she saw him, she threw her hands over her mouth as he smiled at her. He walked toward her and heard her say, "Elton? What are you doing here? I thought...I didn't think...."