Sister's Roommate

Without warning all the sexual feelings were coming back. I wanted to touch them. No, I couldn't touch them. I backed away. I had to get a hold of myself.

It was like there were two Elanas in my head. There was my sister and there was this beautiful and sexy roommate of mine who I wanted to fuck. But they were the same person. Did I want to ... fuck my sister? No. That can't be it. No. I will not accept that. I'm just confused. That's all. I needed to get laid. Yes. I needed a girlfriend and I needed to get laid and then all this craziness about thinking of my sister sexually would go away.

Please go away. Please just let me be normal. Please. No one would ever understand this. No one would ever accept this. I'd be rejected by everyone. No one would ever speak to me again. Not Elana. Not my parents. Definitely not my grandparents. Uncle Max would probably be cool. What? No. He wouldn't be cool. He'd flip the fuck out like he did at the ...

A note was slipped under my door.

"We're watching you. ☠"

Oh, yeah, then I hoped you enjoyed my little show.

I headed out. For a little bit I didn't know where I was going but then I got an idea. There was this place that was connected to the student clinic that was near the union building that was for mental health. I cautiously approached the place and started looking over some of the listings that were on a board. There were support groups for all kinds of things. I didn't know what half of it meant, though. I felt like I needed a translation dictionary to understand that gobbly gook.

I asked someone who looked knowledgeable to help me out. It turned out that there were groups and clubs for people who were no gender, changing their gender, were confused about their gender, or were bipolar about their gender. Gender, gender, gender. Yeah, this didn't seem like the kind of place I needed to be. There were some things about sexual orientation but that wasn't my problem either. I was definitely heterosexual. No problem there. Or actually, that was exactly the problem. I was sexually attracted to a woman I really needed to not be sexually attracted to. But there were no services or support groups for incest. I was out of luck.

Before I could just get all the way out of there I got roped into sitting down and talking with someone who claimed to be some kind of counselor. She was asking all of these leading questions and trying to get me to open up or admit something to her.

"The thing is ... um ..." I was going to lie but then I thought I'd feel this person out and see if there was any chance she actually could help me. "The problem is, I'm sexually attracted to someone."

"That is perfectly natural for a young man of your age."

"But I shouldn't be attracted to this person. It would be wrong."

"Why do you say that? There's nothing wrong with a healthy sex life. All of the past notions of sexual morality are gone. You only have to follow them if you choose to."

"No." I said. "I don't want to be this way. I can't be this way."

"That is a destructive attitude. You should try and embrace who you are; and part of who you are is your sexual attraction. It is a natural and beautiful thing. You don't have to deny that you feel that way. Your body is telling you what it wants. You should listen to it."

"But, if anyone knew I felt this way ..."

"This is the 21st century. We don't ostracize people for their sexual orientation anymore. Tell me, how does the other person feel about you?"

"Not the way I feel."

"So what you need to do is be understanding of that. Not everyone is like us. Few people really are in fact."

What the hell did she mean by us?

She continued. "You'll find that you'll need to be able to let people go. There are going to be many times when you'll be attracted to someone but because they don't share your orientation that you'll have to accept the fact of life that you will never have a legitimate chance of being with that person."

I nodded. Yeah. I was definitely going to have to accept that I'd never get the chance to be with Elana.

"Do you have any tips for that? What do I need to do?"

"It depends on how close you are to the person."

"I'm very, very close to ... the person."

"I see. Well, keep in mind not to judge them. They can't change their orientation any more than you can. In time, once you've found a partner to be with, you should be able to start engaging with your current crush without your feelings affecting you so much. Once you have someone and they have someone then you can start to let yourself feel happy for them."

Ok. She'd given me some halfway good advice. Once I had a girlfriend and my sister had a boyfriend then maybe I could tolerate seeing her naked and not want to fuck her. It was doable. It was a plan. After all, I likely wouldn't want to have sex with Elana if I thought she was fucking some other guy as well. I might not be happy that she was doing that but if I had a girlfriend then at least there'd be a way to get my mind off of it.

Finally she let me out of her office and I was walking down the hall hanging my head. It might sound crazy but a part of me was sad. Sure, there were lots of women that I'd been attracted to who I'd never even meet, much less sleep with. But Elana, somehow, forcing myself to realize that I'd never be with her was an emotional blow. It wasn't fair. And it wasn't like all I wanted to do was sleep with her. I loved her. I wanted to treat her well. I cared about her. I wanted her to be happy.

And that was the problem. I could never tell her I felt this way about her because then she'd be unhappy.

My emotions were starting to sort of get the better of me so I stopped in my tracks near that board. I felt tears start to build up behind my eyes though they hadn't spilled out yet.

"Hey, Cis Male. What are you doing here?"

I looked up. "What?"

"You. What the hell do you think you're doing coming here?" said one of the girls who lived on the same hall as me. It was the one with the black lipstick and the short blue hair.

"Nothing." I started walking the other direction away from her while I tried to think of a way to wipe my eyes without anyone noticing.

"Look at the Cis male run. Go, get out of here. No one wants you."

I stopped in my tracks. She wanted to fight. She was a bully. That was all. I knew how to handle bullies. And no, I'm not referring to punching them though I really felt like I wanted to punch something. In my experience, bullies don't really respond to that. No. You have to shame them.

I went to that lady's office and knocked on her door. Then I promptly told the counselor that the girl from my hall was discriminating against me because of my ... what was it ... oh, yeah, my orientation. I told her about all the notes and death threats, too and I pointed out the young lass as the source of it all.

I had no idea the shit would hit the fan as hard as it did. Before I knew it campus police were escorting me to my dorm room to collect the evidence and that girl was handcuffed. After a few rounds of police talking to me, and the counselor, and the girl they were just about to let her go. She was almost free. But then the girl said something about transitioning to being a man. The cop asked her if she was a man. The girl said she was. So then the cop said that he'd treat her like a man. The girl said she would appreciate that. Then the cop said that if they had a guy in handcuffs accused of writing notes like the ones she'd put under my door that he'd go to jail.

The second she heard that she started trying to back track the whole being a man thing. She said she was transitioning but wasn't all the way there yet. The cop said he didn't care. She was put in the squad car and hauled off.

Ok so PSA for everyone reading this; no matter who you are or think you are, don't send death threats to people. You may think it's just a joke but the cops will take it seriously.

Anyway, that took up a whole bunch of time. By the time I was finally able to leave, parts of the story of what happened were spreading all over campus. Now people were definitely going to think I was gay, or worse, transitioning to be a woman. I was going to have to resign from the university.

I made it to the cafeteria just in time to get something to eat and as I sat there I noticed people looking at me and talking about me. One problem gone and a thousand more pop up. But maybe if I just kept my head low then they'd forget about me and start talking about the next thing.

When I got back to the dorm I did my thing of going into one of the other buildings and then going through the stair maze and then getting to my room. After all, just because one of them was gone didn't mean they were all gone. There was no way all of those notes came from just that one girl.

My sister was waiting for me and she looked pissed.

"Were you planning on ever telling me?" she asked.

"Telling you?" I said. I was almost about to panic in my head. Tell her what? Oh shit. She knew. Somehow, she knew. She'd figured out that I had the hots for her. No. No. Please no.

"Two days in college and you're coming out as gay."

"Gay? No. I'm not gay." I was so relieved to hear that she only thought I was gay.

"Everyone is talking about it."

"I'm not gay."

"If you are or you aren't, you can tell me." she said in a softer tone. She came closer to me and put her hand on my cheek.

Red flag. Red alert. Red, red, red.

"I'm not gay. I'm something, but I'm not gay."

"Then what? And why were you talking to the police?"

I told her the story of how I went to that place and spoke with someone about something private, so private that she should NEVER ASK ME ABOUT IT ... EVER. When I was leaving the girl wanted to pick a fight and then bamm, cops everywhere.

My sister hugged me. Her tits were pressing into me and I was trying to keep my hard on from pressing into her.

"So you're not gay?" she asked for confirmation.

"No."

"Then why go there?"

I thought I told her not to fucking ask me.

"Because ... I have two dicks."

"What? No you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"You're imagining things."

"The truth is, sis, I have two dicks. I'm a man with two dicks but I'm trapped in the body of a man with only one dick."

She started laughing. "Really. Now I've heard everything."

"Indeed. In fact, because of my specific gender my sexual orientation is a bit off as well."

"Really? Like how?"

"Like, because I have two dicks I really should be with two women at the same time. When I'm with only one woman I have the same feeling that a lesbian would have if she were to try and be with a man."

"That doesn't explain why you went to see ..."

"Ah, but it does. See, I know that no one wants to date a guy who needs two women so I went there to ask for tips on how to deny my feelings."

"You want a threesome? You're a little fucking pervert, you know that."

"Well, I'll never get one. So what does it matter what I want?"

She looked at me with slanted eyes. "Wait, you're serious."

"Anyway, don't tell mom and dad, or anyone. ... Please."

"About the two dicks thing?"

"About any of this. Please, just let it blow over."

"Alright but in the future, if you have anything big like this you need to let me know first. I don't like hearing something like this from someone else."

"Ok, sis. I'll do that."

There was no partying that night. We were just going to stay in the dorm. Elana talked with her friends on the phone and I was thinking of how I was going to handle it when people started asking me if I was gay.

I snuck out of the building to go take a shower and I propped that back door open so I could get back in. When I got to the guys dorm someone yelled out "Girl on the hall!" Then a bunch of guys all started laughing at me. At least they left me alone while I was actually taking a shower but after I had gotten dressed and I was on my way out some of them started chanting "Girl Power, Girl Power" at me. So it looked like I'd have to go down the street a ways to the other dorm and try that bathroom. I bet the guys in the honors dorm wouldn't act this way.

I got back to that door and got back into the building. Then it was up the stairs, then down the stairs. A wonderful cap to another terrible day.

It was near time to get some sleep when I got back to my room and my sister invited me to come over to her bed. She had a movie she wanted to watch but didn't want to watch it alone. I should probably mention that she was half naked again. She had one of those really skimpy women's muscle shirts on and just a pair of white cotton panties. Why did she have to wear that where I could see? I had to check myself to make sure I wasn't drooling. I went over and sat on her bed with her and I felt like I should win a medal for not trying to jump her bones right then.

I was very nervous as I sat next to her. The width of the bed put us in close contact. I was doing my best to keep my cool and she was just watching the movie without a hint to show that she thought anything was wrong with me. She just got comfortable with me and settled in. It didn't take long before she'd fallen asleep in my arms while the movie was only half finished in her laptop.

This was so weird. We'd done this exact thing so many times before. But now it was different. Now I wanted to have sex with her. Why didn't I just NOT want to do that? What was wrong with me? I got my arm out from under her and thankfully she didn't wake up.

Now, what I should have done was just go to my bed and get under the covers. I should have left. I should have left her alone.

Oh, but her skin was so nice. Her face was so pretty. Her breasts were so large. Her thigh was just so welcoming.

Get off the bed. Get off the bed. I was telling myself that in my head but I couldn't move.

I looked to her. She was asleep. She wouldn't know if I did something. But then she might and then I'd be the one the cops were hauling away in handcuffs.

I had to get off the bed. I looked away. Just get off the bed.

I looked back at her. This was such a great chance. Ok, in hindsight, every night would have been a great chance but I wasn't thinking of that. When I was in that moment I felt like I just could not let this pass. I had to do something.

I leaned over her. I put up some pretense like I was just adjusting her so she would be more comfortable while she slept. If she woke up, that's what I would tell her. As I put her head on a pillow and drew closer to her and then I did it.

My lips lightly touched hers. It was a very quick moment and then I pulled away to see if she would wake up. She didn't.

"I love you." I whispered to her.

Ok. I'd played with fire but I wasn't burned. Time to get my ass off the bed. Go.

I looked back at her. But she was so perfect. I didn't want to leave.

What if I slept next to her? We'd done that as kids. No, then my hard on would be pressing into her side. That wouldn't work. No, the only answer was to get off her bed and leave her sleep.

Why did I do it? I can't tell you. But what I can say is that I gently pulled up her little shirt thing and I got an eye full of her breasts up close. Oh wow. Those were nice. Could I touch them? No, of course not. To do that I'd need permission. I'd have to ask her and she'd have to say yes.

But yeah, I had my hand on one of her breasts. That was good. That was magic. I wasn't squeezing them or anything and I was ready to pull my hand away the moment she started to stir. Still, I was really liking how they felt.

Dare I suck her nipple? No, not suck. Could I lick her nipple? No. I had already gone too far. Those idiots on the hall would probably already label this rape. But not just them. The cops would likely call this sexual assault.

I was just about to get off the bed. I was just about to leave my sister alone. I had to. It was the right thing to do morally as well as legally. I had to get out of there. I tried. I did try. You have to believe me. But in the end I just could not say no to her. I leaned over her chest. I was going to put the tip of her nippled into my mouth. It was just the tip. That's all. But I didn't get the chance. When I got close she started to move.

I sprang from her bed and dove across the dorm room for my own. I waited. Silence. I waited some more. Still, silence.

I looked up at her. She seemed as unconscious as before. Ok. That was good. And I needed to stay in my bed and not go back over there. Finally, I was able to listen to my better judgment. I pulled my covers over myself.

Now, you'd think after a night like that I might need to masturbate but again, there was no way I was going to do that with her in the room no matter how much her being in the room made me want to masturbate. I forced myself to close my eyes and remain still.

She didn't know I did that so all I had to do was forget about it. I just had to forget it ever happened. She could never know. I wished I didn't. I wanted to cut my hand off. Fucking hormones. Why did they have to mess with my life? She was family. I couldn't hurt my family.

But what if she liked it? What if she liked it as much as me? And if not, what if she could help me with it. Touching her breasts wasn't that bad, was it? I could do something for her and then she could just let me ...

What the hell was I thinking? She'd never let me do that? I'd ruin my life if I even asked.

I felt like the metal floor on the spaceship after the alien blood melted it to mush. I was disgusting. I was vile. I was never going to get better. I was going to have to feel this and there was no relief for me. There was no safe place I could run to. I was already an outcast, it just wasn't public yet. Maybe I would deserve it. All the bad things that would come with people knowing I lusted after my sister, I would deserve all of it. I should go to jail. I wasn't human. I was some creature.

That night I dreamt of my uncle's wedding. I was walking with Elana and we were holding hands in the little garden thing outside the church. Only, we weren't little kids anymore. My uncle had gotten married when we were little kids but in my dream we weren't little kids. We were like we are now. The minister came from behind the church to the side garden and then stood in front of us. I looked at him and then looked at my sister who was suddenly wearing a white dress. I looked at myself and I was wearing just my regular clothes.

The minister guy was waiting. My sister was waiting. I looked behind me and there were now people there sitting in church pews that were now outside. Everyone was waiting on me for some reason. I looked down at my hand which was still holding on to Elana's.

I looked to the minister and I was about to say something when I popped my eyes open and woke up.

It was mid morning. My sister was over there sitting on her bed looking at some magazine with fashion models in it.

It was in that moment that I discovered two things. One was that I had a hard on. That wasn't so unusual since I often woke up with a hard on. However, I also discovered that I had no underwear on. At some point in the night I guess I took my boxers off. That was weird. Now, this was not the very first time for this to happen to me. There were two other occasions when it had happened when I was younger. I had already looked up the phenomenon and knew that it was nothing to be alarmed about.

Still, I was now naked from the waist down with my sister in the room. Ok, no problem. I can just use my blanket to cover myself until I could either locate my boxers or get to my closet. There was no problem. I was ok.

I was still slowly letting wakefulness fill my head when my sister pulled her top off in front of me, went to her closet and started to look through her clothes. If that wasn't bad enough, she pulled her panties down and then grabbed two pair from her drawer.