Sleeping with Ellie

My eyes were closed and I was in the verge of drifting back off to sleep when I heard the door open. I assumed it was Ellie coming back and I smiled a little at the thought that I'd get my wish after all, despite knowing that I really shouldn't let myself stay in bed any longer than I already had.

Suddenly there was a burst of movement. Before I knew what was happening my arms were pinned down and I found myself unable to struggle free. I opened my eyes to find Lily and Alice on either side of my body, each holding down one of my arms.

"What the fuck, Neil?!" Lily demanded in a hushed, angry voice.

"Um, what do you mean?" I asked, my heart rate going into overdrive.

I tried to pull my arms free again, but both of my sisters held on tenaciously. Working together they had the advantage, especially when I'd been taken so completely by surprise.

"Don't play dumb," Lily hissed. "We caught you in Ellie's bed. Are you really gonna try and pretend you don't know what the problem is?"

"What's the big deal? We just... we were...."

I faltered, unable to come up with a reasonable explanation. I desperately hoped Ellie would walk in and rescue me. She'd be able to defuse the situation.

"You've been sleeping together," Alice said in a much softer voice than her sister. She sounded kind of sad when she spoke, rather than displaying the same anger as her sister. "You've been doing it a lot. I didn't want to think that... that you were... but...."

"Hey, Alice, come on. It's not--"

"Shut up!" Lily said. "Just don't."

I was shocked by her vehemence. She must have assumed a lot more was going on between Ellie and me than actually was.

"Look," I said in the most reasonable tone I could manage. "Can we just talk about this? Calmly?"

Lily had to think about my suggestion for a few seconds. Alice was simply unreadable, other than the obvious fact that she was upset.

"Fine," Lily said, lifting her weight off of my arm. "Why don't you explain how we shouldn't be pissed off about what you're doing to Ellie."

"What?! What do you mean 'what I'm doing to Ellie?' Look, I don't know what you think is going on, but I'm not doing anything to her. We're just sleeping together. That's all. It makes her feel better, and... well, I kind of like it too. But that's it."

Lily and Alice looked at each other, communicating silently in front of me. Lily appeared to be at least a little bit calmer, which I took as a good sign. Alice still seemed pretty withdrawn. After a moment, Lily sighed and looked back at me.

"I guess... I mean, we were hoping that's all it was," she said. "We really didn't want it to be anything... well, you know. But, what you two have been doing, it looks really...."

"Looks really what?" I asked.

"You could have been doing sex things," Alice mumbled.

She looked away as soon as I shifted my gaze to her, so I looked back at Lily.

"Well, you two were being so sneaky about it," Lily said, sounding slightly defensive. "What were we supposed to think?"

"You could have trusted us."

"Yeah, we could have. But if I learned one thing from Dad, it's that you can't always trust people to do the right thing."

I had no response to that, and the three of us fell into an uncomfortable silence. Lily looked like she regretted her words as soon as she said them.

"Well, you could have just asked," I said mostly for the sake of saying something. "We could have talked about it. You didn't have to jump straight to accusations."

"You would have denied everything," Lily replied sullenly. "And besides, this is about the way you're handling things, not us."

"You mean me and Ellie. Why aren't you talking to her too?"

"Because of the two of you, which one do you think is gonna get hurt? What do you think's gonna happen if and when you ever decide to move out? Or if you find some other girl you want to 'sleep' with?"

"I... hadn't thought about that too much. You think she'd take it bad?"

"Uh, gee, I don't know. Does a girl who's sleeping with her brother for emotional comfort sound like she'll take his rejection well? Perceived or otherwise?"

"You can't abandon her," Alice added in the same soft voice she'd used the few times she'd spoken at all. "'Specially now."

"I know," I said. "I... I know that. I wouldn't. But I just... haven't really thought about it that much."

"Well maybe you should," Lily said.

She and Alice climbed off of the bed and stood up. They walked out, leaving me alone again, only this time my head was spinning. Mere seconds later Ellie returned. I wondered if Lily and Alice had heard her coming, but didn't dwell on it.

"Did Lil and Allie just come out of here?" Ellie asked, her forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"Yeah," I said.

Ellie sat down on the edge of her bed. Her hair was damp and she had a towel wrapped around her body.

"Does that mean what I think it means?" she asked.

"If you mean 'do they know we've been sleeping together,' then yes. They do. And they felt the need to berate me over it."

"Oh. But were they... I mean, are things okay? They aren't too upset by it, are they? Should I talk to them?"

"Honestly, I kinda think they were just worried about you. Like, more worried about you than they were about the possibility that we were doing, you know, other things."

"Really?"

Ellie looked surprised and glanced toward the hallway. She chewed on her lip and appeared to get lost in thought for a moment.

"So, uh, maybe I should leave for now and let you get changed," I said.

"Hm? Oh, yeah. Maybe." She looked down at herself and the towel that covered her. "This probably isn't the sort of thing I should be wearing around you, is it?"

"It's fine. But... you know."

"Uh huh. Wouldn't want to have it accidentally fall off or anything."

Ellie toyed with the corner of her towel where it was tucked in. I immediately pictured it falling away. I couldn't help it. That was probably her intention, judging by the faint smirk on her lips.

"You shouldn't toy with me like that," I said. "You get me too interested in seeing what's under there and... well, I might just have to find out."

We had a brief stare-off. We each knew the other wasn't serious about pushing things, not really, but there was still a chance that one of us would do something stupid. I didn't know whether I was hoping for or against that possibility.

Ellie pulled her hand away from the towel. Before she could say anything, the part she'd been fiddling with suddenly slipped. She managed to grab the top edge and hold it in place before her breasts were exposed, but it was a close thing. She sat frozen in place for a few seconds before I reached over and carefully tucked her towel back in so it would stay put. I couldn't help my hand brushing against her skin as I did.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're welcome. I'm, uh... I'm just gonna go."

"Yeah, okay."

We each forced an awkward smile, then I left.

****

I didn't like not knowing exactly where I stood with any of my sisters. Ellie and I had been going through a slow shift in our relationship, and we hadn't quite stabilized yet. On top of that, now I had to deal with Lily and Alice too.

I was pretty sure things were mostly okay between my younger sisters and me, but at the same time I couldn't know for sure. Even if we were good, that could easily change if they suspected I did something wrong. I hadn't been entirely confident I was making the right choices with Ellie before, and now I had to worry about how my actions appeared to others as well. The extra scrutiny made things even harder for me.

Even Mom seemed to notice the tension present between her children. It was kind of obvious when we were having so much difficulty maintaining eye contact and holding conversations at the dinner table. It wasn't that any of us refused to talk or anything, but we stuck to short, noncommittal sentences.

Mom pulled me aside after supper that night. She tried to be casual about it, but I had a distinct feeling that it was going to be another uncomfortable conversation.

"So what's up?" I asked her once we were alone. I wanted to play it casually on the off-chance my instincts were wrong.

"Well, here's the thing, Neil," Mom said. "I know I seem oblivious at times, but it's pretty obvious something happened that I don't know about. Something that affects all of my children, from what I can tell. Now I'm usually content to let you all work it out amongst yourselves, but I need you to tell me that I don't need to worry about it."

So that was why she'd chosen me. She probably figured that if there was something going on that she should know about, I'd be her best bet for caving. Well, me or Alice. It was a bit of a toss up.

The thing was, if any of my sisters were in any real trouble, there was a reasonable chance I'd give in and tell Mom even if I'd been sworn to secrecy. I wasn't certain what particular set of circumstances it would take, but it was a possibility. She probably knew that as well as I did. The thought annoyed me slightly.

"You don't need to worry about it," I said.

"Good. I didn't think I did, but... well, you know I'll always worry about each of you. It's just something mothers have to do."

"I know, Mom."

"I don't suppose you'll tell me anyway? I can't help being curious."

I hesitated instead of politely declining. My knee-jerk reaction was not to say anything, but my rational side wanted to explore the matter a little more thoroughly.

Lily and Alice already knew about Ellie and me sleeping together. They hadn't taken it all that well in some ways, but they hadn't reacted as poorly as they could have either. At least now it was out in the open between us. There was a good chance that things would go the same or better if I told Mom. In that moment, it seemed less likely than ever that we could hide the truth from her indefinitely.

I wished Ellie were there. Or better yet, I wished I could have had a secret conference with her beforehand. I could always tell Mom nothing for now, then revisit the issue later if necessary. The problem was that if I didn't say anything now, I'd probably lose my nerve. It wasn't an easy topic to bring up out of nowhere.

"Ellie and I have been sleeping together," I blurted out.

Mom's eyes narrowed ever so slightly before reverting to their usual shape.

"And when you say 'sleeping...'" she prompted.

"I mean literally just sleeping. It's... look, I know we probably shouldn't be doing it, we both know that, but it's not really a big deal. I mean, hopefully you don't think it is."

I watched her reaction carefully. She didn't give much away, but at least she didn't show any overt signs of anger.

"Dare I ask why you two feel the need to sleep together?"

I shrugged. "Because it makes Ellie feel better, mostly. Like a... I don't know, a security blanket or something."

"I see. So that's what's causing all the tension, is it?"

"Pretty much. I don't really want to go into details."

I looked everywhere except directly at Mom while trying not to be obvious that I was avoiding her gaze. She stood there in silence for a few seconds that seemed longer than they actually were. I kept waiting for her to tell me to knock it off and stop sleeping with my sister. She would have been justified in doing so, but I absolutely did not want to hear those words. I wasn't sure what I'd do in that scenario.

"Neil?" she said eventually, her voice soft enough to give me hope.

"Yeah?"

"Be careful, okay? I know you will anyway, but... just be careful."

****

"This is kinda messed up, huh?" Ellie said.

Despite everything, she snuck into my room that night like nothing had changed. I wondered if she had become more dependent on me than I thought. Maybe Lily and Alice had been right to worry.

"It kind of is," I agreed.

"I mean, they probably know we're together right now. I don't even know what to think about that."

"Try not to. It won't do you any good worrying about it."

Ellie propped herself up on her elbow. She pushed her hair behind her ear and looked down at me.

"Why do I get the feeling you're worrying more than I am, mister hypocrite?"

"I'm not worrying. Just thinking. And yes, that does still make me a bit of a hypocrite. I'm aware of that."

"Thinking about the girls too?" she asked, nodding in the general direction of our sisters' room.

"Partly." I sighed and tried to work up my nerve. I had to tell her at some point. "I told Mom what we were doing."

"You did? Why did... oh, right, she wanted to talk to you earlier. She must have known something was up, huh?"

"Kind of, yeah. It seemed like the best course of action at the time. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first."

"No, that's okay. I trust your judgment. Obviously it didn't go too badly."

"Yeah, I think we're fine. At least for now."

I rolled toward Ellie and she giggled as I enfolded her in my arms. She lay back down, snuggling against me like it was the most natural thing in the world for her. In that moment, I was so glad we didn't have to give it all up.

"It's all so complicated," she whispered. "I never wanted it to be complicated."

"I know."

Holding Ellie helped quiet my mind. I decided I might be able to fall asleep after all. I could feel her heartbeat as we lay together.

Suddenly she shifted. It wasn't a very big movement, but she did roll her head slightly so that her face was tilted upward. Before she could settle back down against her pillow, I took her chin in my hand and held it in place. Without stopping to think about it, I kissed her. It was so soft, our lips barely brushing together, but it was definitely a kiss. There was no way she could mistake it for anything else. Even afterward I wasn't sure why I'd done it.

"Good night, Ellie," I whispered.

There was a slight pause, then just as I was beginning to worry I shouldn't have done anything after all, she spoke.

"Night, Neil."

****

I felt like the interactions between family members were less strained at breakfast than they'd been at supper the night before. Maybe I was just in an optimistic mood. I'd come to the realization that given everything that had happened the day before, things had turned out pretty well.

The best part was that no one was actively upset with me. Every member of my family had a reason to be, if they so chose, but interactions with each of them remained perfectly civil. Things weren't quite back to normal, but I felt confident that we could get there.

More than anything, I was glad that Ellie hadn't reacted badly to me kissing her. I hated knowing that I could easily have made her uncomfortable over something that I didn't even have a good reason to do. I resolved to stick with hugs in the future if I needed a way to show affection. They were a much safer bet.

As usual, Ellie and I drove together to the university campus that morning. She was unusually quiet, though, spending most of the trip staring out the window at the passing scenery. She seemed to be in a contemplative sort of mood. I hoped that's what it was, at any rate. There was a chance she just didn't want to talk to me, but I didn't think that was the case.

"What're you thinking about?" I asked after several minutes of silence.

"Hm? Oh, just stuff," Ellie said. "Nothing important."

"Okay." I wanted to leave it there, but I still had a nagging little fear in the back of my mind. "Ellie, we're good, right?"

"What do you mean?" She looked over at me with a hint of a smile on her lips and an arched eyebrow. "Is there any reason we wouldn't be?"

"I don't know. I'm just, like... I kissed you last night. I don't know why I did it, and I don't really know what you think about it, and I hope you didn't mind too much 'cause you don't seem like you did, and...."

I trailed off from my nervous, rambling sentence partly because I didn't really have anything else to say. Perhaps more importantly, Ellie's grin had gotten noticeably wider while I'd been speaking.

"You were still worrying about that?" she asked.

"Kind of. Just a little."

"Well don't. I kinda liked it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was surprised that you did it, but... it was nice. It really was."

I couldn't help matching Ellie's smile. There was no doubt in my mind that she meant every word of what she said. I should have known better than to think I'd done something wrong. The sibling bond between us had grown into something more lately, something stronger. One small action wouldn't be enough to do any real damage to that.

Once we arrived and I found a parking space, we still had to head in the same direction for a bit before we split off to our respective destinations. It was pretty common for us to walk together, side by side during these brief intervals. Ellie slipping her hand over to mine and entwining our fingers, however, was not so usual. She caught my expression of confusion, but only laughed at it.

"What's the matter, don't wanna hold hands with your sister?"

"It's not that I don't want to. I just want to know what you plan on doing when someone sees us. 'Cause you know those awkward conversations I had to have with Lily and Alice and Mom? I'm not really in the mood for more of them."

"You're overthinking things. No one'll even notice. Plus, holding hands is nowhere near as sketchy as being caught sleeping together."

"That's... a fair point actually."

"Damn skippy it is."

We walked for another couple of minutes before hitting the point where our paths diverged. As far as I could tell, no one had given us a second glance. Granted, to anyone who didn't know we were siblings we weren't really doing anything that would have drawn attention. Either no one who knew any better had seen us, or Ellie was right and I was worrying too much.

"Okay," Ellie said, finally letting go of my hand. "I'll see ya later."

I started to say goodbye to her too, only to have her interrupt me with a light kiss. She grinned impishly and skipped away before I could reorganize my thoughts. Instead of going after her, I shook my head and kept walking. She knew the risks of pulling stunts like that just as well as I did. Chastising her wouldn't help anything.

It took me the rest of the morning to admit that I actually didn't mind Ellie kissing me. I had tried to view the matter from a practical standpoint, but my emotional side wouldn't have that. Every time I thought of my sister's lips against mine, out in the open where anyone could see, I couldn't help smiling just a little.

****

Ellie didn't try kissing me in public again for the next few days. She must have known it'd be harder to catch me with my guard down a second time. The thing was, I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I'd stop her if she tried. I was conflicted, and there were plenty of other small changes in our relationship that kept me from focusing on that one question too much.

Now that the other members of our family knew Ellie and I were sleeping together, it meant we didn't have to be quite so careful anymore. For the most part everyone seemed to get used to the idea of either Ellie or me being in the other's room. We didn't draw attention to it, but we didn't try to hide it either. Since everyone already knew what we were doing, being open about our activities was probably better than sneaking around.

Another thing I noticed was that Ellie was getting far more comfortable with casual displays of affection. The public kiss she'd given me had been the most obvious sign of the change, but there were other, less dramatic examples. For instance, I was sitting on the couch one evening because Alice had gotten to my favourite chair before me. Ellie came in a little later on and before she even greeted me, she sat down and curled right up next to me.