The Amazing Dr. Rossi

"Do you girls always travel in such style?" the doctor asked them as she ran her hand over an intricately embroidered red velvet curtain.

"La dolce vita, Allison," Mary Kate said. "This is how we choose to live."

"And why not? You have the money. Might as well treat yourselves like queens."

"We worked very hard for everything we have," Ashley reminded her. "Just like you did."

"Of course. Of course."

"Our meeting with the producer of the show is set for tomorrow at 10:30 a.m.," Mary Kate said. "I think we should get something to eat and then get some sleep. We have a big day ahead of us."

The following morning the doctor and her two friends enjoyed a light breakfast at the hotel's restaurant and then took a limo to the ITV television studio, which was located at 58-72 Upper Groundin London. The news of their arrival at the studio had been kept a well-guarded secret, so when the trio arrived there was only the studio manager at the front entrance awaiting them. He took them directly to the producer's office and told them that the producer would be with them momentarily. A minute later the Olsen's and Dr. Rossi were greeted by a tall, pretty brunette in her mid-thirties, dressed in a smart three-piece black suit. She wore a white blouse with a string of black pearls adorning her neck, and looked every bit the professional businesswoman.

"Hi, I'm London. I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long," she said as she shook each of their hands in turn. "Please sit down and make yourselves comfortable."

London seated herself at her desk and put on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, making her look even more managerial.

"I want to thank you for coming on such short notice," she continued. "The program originally slated to premiere the show was trashed due to legal problems."

"What happened?" Ashley asked.

"Some idiot in our copyright division did not get clearance to use certain materials in the broadcast and we didn't find out about it until just recently. It's never happened before but there's always a first time I guess." She smiled wanly and turned to Dr. Rossi. "I can't tell you how happy I am that you decided to do the show, Dr. Rossi."

"It's my pleasure, Ms. Ackerby."

"Please, call me 'London'."

"You were named after the city?"

"It's not as odd as you might think. I was born premature. In a cab right in Trafalgar Square. My father thought it only fitting."

Dr. Rossi smiled politely. "Well then, you can call me 'Allison'."

"It is my pleasure to meet you, Allison. So how was your flight?"

"With these girls to share the ride with, the time went by quickly. We had no problems."

"I'm glad to hear it." She turned to the twins. "I believe we've met once before haven't we?"

"Yes," Ashley replied. "We met at a Burberry's catwalk show here in London in the summer of 2009."

"Oh yes, I remember that show. That was the day one of the models slipped and fell off the runway."

"She fell on me," Ashley said dourly. "I still have the bruises to prove it."

London chuckled sympathetically. "That must have smarted indeed! Well, I don't think you'll have to worry about falling bodies on this show. We concentrate solely on sexual issues in all their permutations, both gross and sublime."

"Your idea?" Dr. Rossi asked.

"My idea."

"Sounds intriguing. Back in the States they'd frown upon such a show."

"You will forgive me for saying so, but you Americans are quite hypocritical when it comes to sex. Almost puritanical."

"You don't need to convince me of that," Dr. Rossi said. "I've felt that way for a very long time."

"I'm glad you see it that way. Mind you, I'm not saying we Europeans are some idealistic, progressive model you should hold up to the world, but dear me, we at least don't have those terrible sexual inhibitions you Yanks do. For example, take that idiot of an army general of yours—or former general I should say—General Petraeus. It's fine and dandy for him to send young men and women into war to be killed but when he commits an act of sexual indiscretion he's vilified for it. What bloody hypocrisy!"

"I couldn't agree more."

"It's absurd. The man's nothing more than a profligate, and he's eviscerated on that account, not because he's an incompetent, warmongering fucker—excuse my language."

Mary Kate laughed loudly. "Ash and I met the son of a bitch at a stupid White House ceremony last year. He was such an asshole."

"So I'm right about him then?"

"Absolutely. He's just a dick in search of a pussy."

Now it was London's turn to laugh. "Marvelous! I say, how about a spot of tea?"

"I thought tea time was at 4:00 p.m.?"

"Oh, I don't follow that old tradition. In fact, many young people don't. I drink tea when I choose."

London spoke into her intercom and ordered her secretary to bring in some tea, which she did straightaway.

"So, what exactly is your show all about?" Dr. Rossi inquired as the secretary handed her a cup.

"Well, specifically, we get people on the show who have one kind of sexual problem or another and we try to help them with it. They come from all walks of life—lawyers, carpenters, housewives, students, young, old, rich, poor, famous, not famous...you name it. We have a wonderful woman, a board certified psychiatrist named Beverly O'Donnell, who has signed on to do the show. You'll get to meet her shortly."

"So I take it that most of the help you provide these people is psychological in nature?"

"Mostly. But in your case you would be practicing your technique on a naked male."

Dr. Rossi sat upright in her seat. "That's if he does indeed have ejaculatory dysfunction."

"Of course. But you would be able to make that determination rather quickly would you not? At least that's what I've heard."

"My imaging scanner will tell me within a minute or two if he's a suitable candidate for my procedure."

"Well, I have it on good authority that this bloke is suffering from this ejaculatory malady. Don't ask me to provide names—I won't. Just take my word for it that the likelihood of him having this dysfunction is very great. Either way, you will have to examine him to be sure."

"I don't know what Ashley and Mary Kate told you, London, but my technique always results in an ejaculation—a quite substantial ejaculation if I say so myself. Is this something you and your audience would want to see?"

The secretary could not help but suppress a laugh, almost dropping a teacup as she did so.

"Oh, my dear Allison! Are you kidding? Most certainly! That's the reason I wanted you on the show!"

"I see. And this is going to be broadcast...?"

"To all our subscribers. Over a hundred million people around the world, with the exception of a few unenlightened countries."

"Like the United States," Ashley said glumly.

"Well, I didn't want to say anything, but yes. America wants no part of 'Sex in the 21st Century'."

"Will there be a live audience?" Dr. Rossi asked.

"Yes, the studio can hold about three hundred people."

"Three hundred men and women. That's a lot."

"Oh, no men allowed. Not for this particular show. The premiere will feature a women-only live audience. In fact, the entire production team, including the camera people, will be women. However there will be one man who will be featured on the show. A famous man by the way—a celebrity. We're keeping his name a secret because we don't want to spoil the surprise."

"You mean he doesn't know what he's getting into?" Mary Kate asked.

"Not the slightest clue. All I can tell you is that he is known throughout the world, that's all."

"Well, this should be interesting!" Dr. Rossi said.

"I assure you it will be more than that. His girlfriend is the one who set the whole thing up. He's coming in thinking it's going to be a psych session with him, his girlfriend, and Beverly. Wait until he sees you there!"

"If he suspects he's being set up, don't you think he might bolt?"

"That's why we have a few dozen female security guards on hand. If he tries to run away, they'll pounce on him."

"So, he's going to get the treatment whether he likes it or not," Ashley said.

"His girlfriend wants him to be cured so they can get married, so yes."

"Is she famous too?" Dr. Rossi asked.

"Yes, in fact. Quite so."

The remainder of their talk turned to how London became involved in television. During this time Dr. Rossi discovered what an exceptionally bright woman she was. She seemed dedicated to educating people, albeit in a spectacular, often comedic, way. She believed that people could not make rational choices for their lives without knowledge, and she was committed to disseminating that knowledge through the powerful medium of television. The prurient nature of the show might offend some sensibilities, but if people could be helped, then this fact would vindicate any claims of moral outrage.

"I'll admit there are some people in this country who absolutely hate what I'm doing with regard to this show," she continued. "I've already received some very nasty letters from certain people, mainly religious groups, who think what I'm doing is a mortal sin. You see, those people's minds have been indoctrinated since birth to believe a certain ideology—call it whatever you wish—and they feel it's their God-given right to get the rest of us to dance to their tune. If they had their way they would have us all living in medieval times. But I have news for them—it's not going to happen. 'Sex in the 21st Century" is going to be a huge hit. I just feel it in my heart."

"I hope for your sake that it is," Dr. Rossi said. "We need more people like you in this world, London; people who want to enlighten others, not keep them in darkness."

London smiled broadly. "It would seem we're both on the same page in that regard, Allison. We begin filming tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. sharp. But you should plan to be at the studio no later than 8:00 a.m. If you have any questions beforehand, please let my secretary know. I assume you have come prepared?"

"Yes. If I need anything I'll let you know."

"Great. Well, I'm sorry but I have to get back to work now. It was a pleasure meeting you."

London rose from her seat and once again shook each guest's hand before escorting them to the main entrance of the building.

"What a lovely person," Dr. Rossi said to the twins as they made their way to the limo. "Not a hint of irony in her voice, and so straightforward. It's refreshing."

"We knew you'd like her," Mary Kate replied.

"I wonder who the guy is," Ashley said.

"I guess we'll find out soon enough," Dr. Rossi replied.

"This is going to be fun!" Mary Kate said. "And this time it's all going to be on film!"

The following day Dr. Rossi, Ashley, and Mary Kate arrived at the television studio promptly at 8:00 a.m. There were hundreds of women lined up outside the building waiting to be admitted, and when they saw Dr. Rossi and the Olsen sisters pull up in their limo they rushed to greet them. Fortunately, the security staff was well prepared for such an occurrence and kept the crowd at bay while the celebrities were admitted through a side entrance.

The studio itself was much larger than Dr. Rossi or the twins had expected. In fact, it looked more like an auditorium than a studio. Most TV studios in the US were rather small, with space usually at a premium. But this spacious room could easily hold several hundred people with ease, and the camera crew—working four cameras in all—had no trouble navigating the wide open spaces between the stage and the first row of seats.

As the trio approached the stage they were greeted by the show's host, Beverly O'Donnell, a cute, bubbly blonde of forty-two with an effervescent personality and irrepressible Irish charm that made the doctor and the twins like her almost instantly. She was dressed in a short blue skirt and a white blouse with floral patterns on the lapels. In her hands was a clipboard which she hastily tucked under her arm.

"Welcome! Welcome!" she said to the doctor and her friends, shaking their hands in turn. "It's wonderful to have you all on the show. Let me show you what's behind the curtain."

One part of the stage had been reserved for Dr. Rossi's equipment, which consisted of a vertical bed with a cushioned, black leather surface complete with stirrups to hold the feet securely and arm straps to keep the limbs immobile. It was designed to hold a man at a forty-five degree angle so that the entire audience could see his body clearly. A jar of lubricating gel sat on a nearby exam table next to several pairs of surgical gloves. On a separate table lay a syringe and a vial of Stimulata, which the doctor had provided the day before. A nurse stood guard over the precious liquid, her eyes reviewing some data on a monitor screen in front of her.

"Allie," Beverly said to the nurse. "This is Dr. Rossi."

Allie smiled and shook the doctor's hand. "It's so nice to meet you, doctor. I'll be assisting you today."

Dr. Rossi smiled graciously and looked at the screen. "You seem to be adequately equipped I see."

"Everything here is brand new. I just tested all these machines and they are in perfect working order."

"Excellent. We'll need to keep an eye on his vitals throughout the procedure—if it's required."

"Yes, if it's required," Beverly said to Dr. Rossi. "Until you examine him there is no way of knowing for sure if he has the disease, so all this may be unnecessary. But if he does have it, then you've got the green light. Once the security team has him strapped onto the table and secured, you can then administer your drug and proceed with the treatment."

"Do you happen to know who this guy is?" Mary Kate asked Beverly.

"I'm not at liberty to say. London's orders."

The twins were advised to take their seats because the doors to the studio were about to be opened to let the audience in. Mary Kate and Ashley sat down directly in front of the curtained area, as close as possible to where the mystery guest was to be treated by Dr. Rossi. A few minutes later London appeared wearing a gray skirt, a black satin blouse and a grey blazer. In place of the black pearls was a stunning emerald necklace.

"Hi girls!" she said to the twins. "Are you sure you want to sit so close to the action?"

"We don't want to miss anything," Mary Kate grinned.

"Fine. Just so long as you know what's coming."

"His cock, hopefully!" she laughed.

London told the security guards to open the doors to allow the audience to settle into their seats. She then approached Dr. Rossi.

"It looks like everything is moving along fine. How are you, Allison?"

"I'm nervous, actually."

"Not an uncommon thing. I get nervous myself every time I do a show. I just want you to remember that although we are practicing subterfuge to get our man on that recliner, we are also helping him."

"I know," Dr. Rossi replied. "If I thought otherwise I wouldn't be here."

"I assume Beverly filled you in on the details?"

"She did."

"Good. I'll be watching from the booth. Break a leg!"

And with that she walked out of the room and up a small flight of stairs leading up from the back of the room to a glass-walled sound booth where the production crew was stationed.

By 8:45 a.m. the audience had been seated and Beverly came onstage and spoke to them in a friendly fashion in an effort to foster their good will and support. She hardly needed to make the effort. Most of the crowd had known her from another self-help show she had done the previous year, and reacted to her as if she were a long lost friend. In less than ten minutes she had warmed up the crowd to the point where they were eating out of her hand. The age of the women ran the gamut from late teens to those pushing seventy. It seems everyone had an interest in sex, and it was telling that no particular age group had a monopoly on the subject.

Telling the audience to prepare, Beverly took her place onstage and waited for the director, a short, dark woman with long brown hair, to give her the cue to begin. At exactly 9:00 a.m. the pre-recorded music began followed by a taped introduction:

"Good morning, everybody. This is 'Sex in the 21st Century.' Today we will be discussing ejaculatory dysfunction with noted psychiatrist and our host of the show, Dr. Beverly O'Donnell. And here she is, our woman with the answers you need to improve your sex life, Dr. Beverly O'Donnell!"

The introductory music rose in volume while the crowd applauded wildly. Beverly walked back and forth from left to right, acknowledging her audience with wide open arms and a motherly smile. Gradually, as both the applause and music died down, she found herself at center stage, the cameras focused directly on her.

"Hello everyone!" she said with a big smile. "It's so nice of you to join us today in our quest to help people with their sexual problems. I'm Dr. Beverly O'Donnell and today we are going to delve into issues concerning the male reproductive system. Male reproductive problems are a not uncommon phenomenon that occurs to many men at different stages in their lives. For some it can be a psychologically crippling event that they might experience only once in their lives. For others, like our guest today, it can be an ongoing condition that severely compromises one's life to the point where normal sexual relations with a woman cannot be achieved, not to mention the long-term psychological damage done to one's self-esteem. So stay tuned as we explore sex in the twenty-first century!"

The studio lights dimmed to indicate that a commercial break was underway. A few minutes later the lights went back up and Beverly invited Dr. Rossi onstage to give the audience a brief background of her career and her drug, Stimulata. As she walked onstage Dr. Rossi was unprepared for the tremendous greeting she received from the crowd.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the doctor said as she took her seat next to Beverly.

"It seems you have a lot of fans out there, Dr. Rossi," Beverly said. "Welcome to the show."

"I'm very happy to be here."

"Tell us a little about yourself if you will."

"I graduated Harvard Medical School when I was twenty years old..."

"Twenty?"

"Yes. I got pushed up a few years because of my work in biogenetics."

"So you graduated high school...when?"

"When I was 14."

"And Harvard accepted you at that young age?"

"Yes."

"That's nothing short of incredible. So what you're telling us is that you're a child prodigy."

"I don't see myself that way. I just happen to have an inordinate interest in biology and genetics. I guess you could say I was compelled to it."

"And what made you decide to dedicate your life to diseases of the male reproductive system? I mean, why not the female reproductive system?"

"There are many fine doctors working in the area of female biology and I learned that there was not enough research being done on the male biological front. I think it's because many men keep silent about their reproductive problems and therefore most physicians don't know that a real problem does exist, let alone how to treat these problems. That's what led me to develop Stimulata."

"Tell us more about that."

"I'm not going into specifics here because it's all been documented many times before. Let's just say that I spent three years working on the drug, which is an organic and toxic-free alternative to many synthetic drugs which can have severe side effects. It is part of a three-tiered treatment program to cure men of ejaculatory dysfunction. So far, the success rate has been close to one hundred percent with no adverse side effects reported."

The audience responded with a loud round of applause.

"You are a true visionary, Dr. Rossi, and I'm told the object of veneration for many men who have tried your program."