The Amazing Dr. Rossi

Dr. Rossi laughed. "I hope my elevation to sainthood won't come any time soon. But I'm glad to have helped men recover their sexual powers."

"Well today we have a special guest with us who will be joining us right after this break. Maybe you can help her. But I'm warning you, it's a tough case."

"I'll do my best."

"Stay tuned everybody. We'll be right back."

During the break Beverly talked with some members of the audience while Dr. Rossi sat patiently, waiting for the show to resume. Mary Kate and Ashley were all smiles as they fraternized with the women sitting closest to them, while Allie stood to one side of the stage surrounded by a bevy of security personnel. As the show commenced the curtain behind which Allie and the dozen or so women were waiting was closed and Beverly once again took her seat.

"We have with us today," Beverly said to the audience, "a young woman who is seeking help not for herself, but for her boyfriend. She claims that unless something is done immediately to correct his sexual problem, their on-again, off-again romance will come to an end. You know her for her portrayal of Alex Russo, the protagonist in the Emmy Award-winning television series 'Wizards of Waverly Place'. Let's welcome actress and singer, Ms. Selena Gomez!"

From the side of the stage the auburn-haired, twenty-year-old beauty walked toward Beverly and Dr. Rossi as she smiled and waved to the audience, her black Gucci dress fitting her like a glove and accentuating each movement of her lovely form. The crowd responded wildly, calling out her name repeatedly as she took her seat between Beverly and her guest.

"It is so good to see you!" Beverly said to Selena as she grabbed her hand and shook it.

"It's nice to see you too," Selena replied as she continued waving to the audience.

"I'm sure you've heard of Dr. Rossi."

"Yes," she said, as she shifted her body to the left to shake the doctor's hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Mine too," Dr. Rossi replied.

"So tell us, Selena," Beverly said. "What exactly is the problem with your man?"

"Which one?" the girl asked coyly.

The audience laughed.

"You know which one I mean, sweetie. The man of your dreams, the love of your life."

"Oh!" Selena said, feigning surprise. You mean, 'Justin Beiber'?"

When she mentioned his name the audience erupted with cheers and applause. They knew that Selena and Justin were having problems with their relationship, and it was rumored that the two of them had broken up.

"Yes, of course!" Beverly exclaimed. "Justin Beiber! Who else would I be talking about?"

"I don't know. I have a lot of admirers," she replied half-jokingly.

"I'm sure you do. So tell us, what's going on with you two?"

"Well, he's got this problem and it's ruining our relationship. I told him that he had to seek help or I was going to leave him."

"How did he respond to your ultimatum?"

"At first he hemmed and hawed as he usually does. But when I didn't return his phone calls for three days he finally came around."

"Okay. So tell us, what exactly is his problem?"

Selena drew a deep breath and looked straight into the camera. "Justin is a sperm hoarder."

Beverly, not sure that she had understood the girl, asked her to repeat what she had said.

"A sperm hoarder," she said, not batting an eyelash. "He hoards his sperm. He doesn't like to share it."

The audience reacted to this revelation with complete silence. Beverly looked at Dr. Rossi with a blank expression on her face, unable to grasp the concept of how any man could hoard his sperm. Dr. Rossi was equally mystified and just shook her head in wonderment. Even the twins looked puzzled.

At last, Beverly broke the silence with a joke. "All the men I've ever dated were more than willing to give away their sperm for free!"

The audience exploded with laughter.

"What does he do? Shoot his load into a jar and store it in the closet?"

"No, no. He just doesn't cum."

"He doesn't cum?" Beverly asked, stupefied. "Dear me! I have to say that in all my years as a practicing psychiatrist I have never heard of such a thing. Have you ever heard of sperm hoarding, Dr. Rossi?"

"Never. This is a new one on me."

Beverly then asked if anyone in the audience had ever encountered a sperm hoarder and not one hand went up.

"I know it sounds crazy," Selena said, earnestly. "But I swear it's true. He doesn't like giving it up."

Beverly chuckled. "Wow. Justin Beiber is parsimonious with his spunk. Who would have ever thought that!"

Her dry wit had the audience rolling in the aisles.

"That's why I came on the show today because I really need your help," Selena said over the waves of laughter.

"Well, you came to the right place," Beverly said reassuringly. "Now you know that this is a program where we can talk candidly about sex without feeling guilty or ashamed. All I ask is that you be open and honest about this issue."

"I'll try."

"Good. Now, have you ever seen Justin ejaculate?"

"No. Never."

"Are you certain?

"Yes."

"Do you have intercourse?"

"Yes."

"And do you experience orgasm?"

"Every time."

"And Justin?"

"He says he has orgasms but I never see any sperm."

"What do you think, Dr. Rossi?"

"Well it is possible that he could have a dry orgasm," Dr. Rossi replied. "This occurs mostly in older men where some treatments for prostatic disease are indicated. But it's highly unusual for a young man of Justin's age to experience a dry orgasm unless he masturbates so much when he's alone that he simply runs out of seminal fluid. For example, if he masturbates himself to orgasm three, four, or five times in a short period, then he could very easily drain himself dry. With no fluid to ejaculate, he would experience a dry orgasm, with no sperm being expelled by the penis."

"So you mean he's really not hoarding his sperm?" Selena asked.

"I don't know. I'm just offering an alternative explanation. It could very well be that he has some psychological problem about letting others see his sperm. Or the problem could be physiological. He may have a genuine medical condition that we call 'ejaculatory dysfunction,' that prohibits him from achieving normal orgasm. There is no sure way of knowing unless he's been examined."

"Have you ever given Justin a handjob, Selena?" Beverly asked the girl.

"Many times."

"And not an ounce of cum?"

"Nothing."

"Blowjobs?"

"Once in a while."

"And still no cum?"

"No," she said dejectedly.

Beverly turned her attention to the audience. "I'm curious. Has anyone here ever had an experience like the one that Selena just described?"

One hand went up.

"Yes, you there miss, in the red dress. Tell us. What happened in your case?"

A pretty brunette stood up and cleared her throat, her eyes fixed upon Beverly. "My boyfriend had a similar problem but we found out that it was due to the condition Dr. Rossi just mentioned."

"Ejaculatory dysfunction?"

"Yes. In fact he was treated at one of your clinics, Dr. Rossi, about three months ago and now our sex life is back to normal again."

"I'm very happy to hear that," Dr. Rossi said.

The lady in the red dress smiled and resumed her seat.

"Well, is Justin's problem psychological or physiological?" Beverly said into the camera. "Don't go away. We'll be right back."

This was the final break in the show. For the next thirty minutes the broadcast would be uninterrupted. London came down from her booth to confer with Beverly and the rest of crew to make sure everything was proceeding according to plan.

"He's backstage now," London told Beverly. "We disabled the monitors so he doesn't have a clue as to what's going on. Have you got everything under control here?"

"We're ready for him."

"This is going to be a big surprise for a lot of people, so just roll with it."

"Don't worry, London. We won't let you down."

London took a minute to say hello to Selena and then disappeared back into her booth.

It was time resume the show.

"Okay!" Beverly said, smiling into the camera. "We're back with 'Sex in the 21st Century'. With us here today are Selena Gomez and Dr. Allison Rossi. Today's topic: problems related to the male reproductive system."

The audience applauded.

"Now, what Dr. Rossi, Selena, and you the audience don't know is that we have a very special guest who is going to be joining us right now. He is a Canadian singer-songwriter, record producer and actor who became the first artist to have seven songs from his debut record to chart on the Billboard Hot 100. He has been the recipient of numerous honors and was nominated for Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album at the 53rd Grammy Awards. This year Forbes Magazine named him the third most powerful celebrity in the world. Ladies please welcome Mr. Justin Beiber!"

At the mention of his name the entire audience rose from their seats and turned their collective heads toward the figure approaching Beverly and her guests from the left side of the stage. Amidst the wild shouting and applause Justin Beiber strode confidently across the stage, acknowledging the crowd with a big smile and waving goofily at the camera. The noise was deafening. He was dressed in jeans and a blue denim jacket with a black tee shirt underneath. His feet were clad in a pair of black cowboy boots that he often wore to add an extra inch to his modest five-foot, seven-inch height. When he saw Selena he reacted with surprise, having no idea that she would be there. As he approached Beverly, she stood up and greeted him warmly.

"So nice of you to come!" she said, shaking his hand.

"Thanks for having me on the show," he replied. He then turned to Selena. "What are you doing here?"

The two lovers hugged each other and kissed. Beverly then introduced Justin to Dr. Rossi and all four of them sat down as they waited for the applause to subside.

"So, how are you Justin?" Beverly asked him.

"I'm doing great."

"I'll bet you were surprised to see Selena here."

"Yes, but it was a very nice surprise," he said, beaming at his girlfriend. "But I had no idea there would be hundreds of people here—and all women too!"

"I trust you have no objections to that."

"No, not at all."

"I understand you have just released a new album."

"Yeah, it just came out last week and it's already in the Billboard top 100."

"That's wonderful. Are you planning to go on tour anytime soon?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. Our first stop is going to be Boston and then we're heading west across the States. We also have plans to tour here in England beginning in June."

"Will you be stopping in London?"

"We'll be doing a gig in Trafalgar Square, yes."

"Splendid! It seems there's no end to your success. But it's well deserved I'm sure."

"Thank you."

"Now, as you know, our show deals with matters of a sexual nature. So I would like to ask you if you think your physical attractiveness has been a factor in your success."

"With all due modesty, I would say yes."

"This is not to say that you're not talented because indeed you are. You play several instruments, sing, write songs...all that is very good. But there are many people out there who are multitalented who have not received the recognition and success that you have. Would you have gotten as far as you have if you looked like, let's say...Iggy Pop?"

"Well I think Iggy did pretty well for himself."

"Yes, of course. But he never achieved the fame and fortune you have."

"Okay. Maybe not. But I don't think my looks would have mattered very much if I didn't have the talent to back it up."

"Agreed. But you must admit that having a handsome face does indeed factor in quite a bit."

"I would say that it definitely helps."

"Would you agree too, Selena?"

"Absolutely. I mean, people who are not that attractive can be successful. But personally I would rather look at a nice-looking guy than an ugly one."

"I think that could be said for most of us." She turned her attention to the twins. "Tell us Mary Kate and Ashley...has your physical beauty aided you in your careers?"

"Without question," Mary Kate said without a pause.

"Yes, definitely," Ashley agreed.

"Okay then. Beauty or handsomeness is an important, though not requisite, factor for success. But it's better to look like Valentino or Marilyn Monroe than Lyle Lovett or Tori Spelling. I think we're all in agreement on that point." Beverly looked down at her teleprompter screen and then at Justin. "Now, let's move on to something of a more personal nature."

Everyone knew what was coming, but Justin sat there smiling pleasantly, not knowing what had been discussed prior to his arrival. Selena looked anxious, unsure of how her boyfriend would react to having his sexual problem discussed openly in front of millions of viewers. She appeared calm, but her fidgeting hands revealed that her mind was in great turmoil.

"Now, Justin," Beverly began, "Selena came on the show today seeking help—not for herself, but for you."

Justin's smile slowly faded. "For me?"

"Yes, for you. She told us that you have a medical issue going on and she would like us to help you."

"I don't have a problem," he said trying to appear blaze. "What did you tell them, Selena?"

"Please Justin," she replied wringing her hands ever more vigorously. "Listen to the doctor."

"You've heard of Dr. Rossi, haven't you, Justin?" Beverly inquired.

"Yes. She helps guys who have problems getting an erection."

"Actually," Dr. Rossi said, "I help men with ejaculatory dysfunction."

"I asked Dr. Rossi to join us on the show today because she wants to help you," Beverly told him.

"They know all about you, Justin," Selena said. "I told them everything."

Justin's face clouded over. There was no doubt that he viewed her willingness to disclose his medical condition to the world as nothing less than an act of betrayal.

"How could you do this, Selena?" he said, his eyes narrowly focused on the trembling beauty. "I trusted you."

"I'm trying to save our relationship!" she said, her voice rising.

"You had no right to tell anybody anything!" he countered. "It's my body. It's my problem. Not yours!"

"I did it because I love you," she insisted.

"All right. All right," Beverly said. "Calm down, both of you."

"Justin," Dr. Rossi said. "Is it true what Selena told us about you? Do you hoard your sperm?"

Justin laughed loudly. "Hoard my sperm? That's a good one! Okay, doc. You want to know the truth? Yeah. I have a problem—a big problem. And it's not sperm hoarding. It's not being able to ejaculate—at all. Okay? That's the truth. Is everybody out there listening? I can't fuckin' cum!"

For a few moments there was complete silence in the studio. To hear the famous, doe-eyed celebrity use such vulgarity was a shock in itself, but to admit his sexual problem in such candid terms was even more distressing.

"There's nothing to be angry about, Justin," Dr. Rossi said. "Many men suffer from the same problem. You're not alone."

"Yeah, well sometimes I feel like I'm alone."

As he said this he shot a deprecating glance at Selena. It was a petty, malicious thing to do, intended to demean her, but she remained undaunted.

"You are not alone," she said, emphatically. "This ejaculation problem is destroying our relationship. Let Dr. Rossi help you."

"I don't need anybody's help! I can handle this on my own."

"I'm afraid you can't," Dr. Rossi said. "If you do indeed have ejaculatory dysfunction and if it is left untreated, you will never be able to engage in normal sexual relations or father children. Is that what you want?"

Justin shook his head angrily, confusedly, not knowing what to say.

"I have perfected an imaging device," Dr. Rossi went on, "that will allow me to look into your body to see what's going on in your genital area. I will be able to tell from the scan if you do indeed have ejaculatory dysfunction. If so, we can treat you right here, right now. It will only take a few minutes."

Justin's face suddenly became flushed. "Are you fucking serious? Do you think I'm going to let you examine me in front of all these people?"

Beverly turned to the audience. "Ladies, do you have any problem seeing Justin nude?"

A cry of "No!" filled the room, followed by gales of laughter.

"You see, Justin," Beverly said. "They don't have a problem with it so neither should you."

"Oh, come on," he replied disdainfully. "This has got to be some kind of joke. I'm out of here!"

Suddenly, he rose from his chair and started to briskly walk away when he saw a large group of women on either side of the stage blocking his exit. The aisle leading from the entrance to the stage was blocked too, occupied by a contingent of armed security guards. He was trapped.

"You're not going anywhere, Justin," Beverly said to him. "Please sit down."

"What is this?" he demanded. "What the fuck is going on here?"

"We're going to help you whether you like it or not," she said adamantly. She looked offstage at Allie and the security guards. "He's all yours girls!"

As soon as he saw the group of guards approach him, he jumped off the stage and headed for a side exit, which was locked. To the amazement of the women in the audience, he then flung himself headlong in an act of desperation straight into the quickly moving team of guards heading toward him from the back of the studio. It was a futile gesture. Within moments the dozen or so guards had captured him and were carrying him kicking and screaming to the exam table where Dr. Rossi and Allie were waiting.

"Strap him in there," Allie said to the guards as she maneuvered the table to a forty-five degree angle.

"What are you doing?" Justin screamed. "You can't chain me up to this thing!"

"We don't use chains anymore," Allie said. "We use Velcro straps nowadays."

Once he was safely secured, the table was wheeled out from behind the curtain and he was stripped of every piece of clothing until he was lying completely nude in front of a wildly screaming audience of thrilled women. His young, boyish body drew gasps of awe from the crowd.

As he lay on the exam table cursing Selena and everyone else he could think of, Dr. Rossi ran a scan of his body using a hand-held imaging device. A few minutes later she produced a readout confirming her suspicions.

"Well, doctor," Beverly said. "What does the scan say?"

"There's no doubt about it," Dr. Rossi replied, handing Beverly the scanned image. "He definitely has ejaculatory dysfunction."

"See, Justin!" Selena exclaimed, her body pressed up against his. "I told you the doctor could help you!"

"This is ridiculous!" he screamed. "I'm going to sue all of you for assault and battery!"

This threat, coming from such a sweet and innocent-looking boy, made the crowd explode with laughter. If he had been in danger of real physical harm he might have had a case. But these women were only trying to help him, even if it was against his will. It would be hard to prove that Dr. Rossi and the TV station were acting to his detriment.

"I'm going to tell you what I tell all my patients," Dr. Rossi said to Justin. "Either shut your mouth or I will tape it shut."

"What are you going to do to me?"

"We're going to force an orgasm out of you—possibly more than one. And Selena is going to help us."

"This is immoral," he replied.

"No," Beverly said. "This is sex in the 21st century."

When he saw the syringe being prepared, he tore at his restraints, demanding to be released.

"What's in that thing?" he asked Dr. Rossi as she brought the needle near to his scrotum.

"This is the drug I invented. It's called 'Stimulata' and it will allow the muscles at the base of your penis to contract so that you can experience what will probably be the greatest orgasm of your life."