The Big Bag

She hit the bed with her fist.

You, working your way into my heart through my pants, its so aggravating. How do I justify this, why? Why! Just because you touch me?

Fucker!

-----

She lay there in silence. Her mind silent, empty for a long time.

Her heart softening:

He could come with me.

At that moment she heard him walk past her door, heard his door close. She looked toward the wall separating them.

Fuck, I'm never going to get to sleep tonight. Her mind swirled to being cornered with my back against the wall in the kitchen, his hands all over me, and I playing along. She felt her wetness trickle down her thigh, and reached a finger and let it slide along her slit. I felt his cock, and her insides melted. Tugging at her clit, pulling the little hood back. Ahhhhh, squeezing her thighs together, trapping her hand. It feels so fucking good.

If I go, and he stays. Let it go, I have to. The itch lingering, she rolled to her stomach. But what if? Daddy, came with me. She pulled her arms up over her head. Would he? Would he? Cala began to cry.

"Come with me." She spoke the words, and pushed herself to the edge of the bed and sat up.

I am going to spend the next two hours freaking the fuck out, sobbing and crying and I've spent probably the last I don't know how many months wavering back and forth between this is never going to work and maybe somehow it can. Tonight I definitely crashed straight through to "this will never work" right into trying to plan how to make it work. At least a dozen times. Fuck. I've tried. I want this. I want this. But if I'm so focused, I'll be too vulnerable. Is this a game to him? A fucking game. Drrrrr. If he would move, we could live in the same house. Same as here. Then it's not a game, if he would do that, then I know. Can I do this without him? And the one that kills me that I can't stop asking myself is, is all this tangling and touching...where does it get me, where? Where the fuck am I, are WE?' Is this nothing? Cause now, I love you Nickie. Happy now?

I have to know.

The light flipped on, and Cala slid out of bed, standing naked in front of her full length mirror looking at herself.

How fucking selfish am I? Like, very, especially in the few days I've been here at daddy's. But...do I? Really. Do I? Do I even love him? In that way. Or am I just thinking with my cunt, the same as his little head? Does HE want me? Fuck, this isn't about love, its about not being a fucking game. Cause my heart is too invested now. I got to know that.

She opened her drawer and pulled on a pair of loose silk red panties, and a red silk nightie, wiggling them down over her hips. She looked in the mirror again and wiped her eyes.

I want one thing, to sleep with him one night. To be with him one night. Then I will know. I have to talk with him, he has to hear me out. Commitment. Anything. Tonight I'm like, have I been making the biggest mistake of my life to date? I'm not going to wait, if this is a fucking game I'm not so sure I want to keep trying to make this work.

Cala padded to her door, passed down the hallway to his door and with a click slipped inside.

Tonight she would sleep with him, one night.

****************************

FRUSTRATED

When Mark and I finally finished up, I went to my room.

Alone. Cala's door was closed, the lights out, she was in bed no doubt.

A feeling of deflation, arousal, and guilt washed through my veins. I could feel my heart beating in my eyes. Thinking about what we had done right here in the house. She was probably mad now, but in my mind I had to hold some semblance of a center together. My mind was muddling around, trying to figure out how to navigate in a world where I am being sexual with my daughter.

Bottom line. I needed to help Mark; and more than that, I can't let all my behavior with Cala interfere with my other relationships. I was still committed to be a good dad. It was my rationalization. My behaviors have not been the best, not reasonable, responsible. I ran my hand through my hair as I sat down on the bed, with this lingering frustrated guilt. A lot of things to keep track of, but at the end of the day, in my muddled thinking, I want to be a good dad. Cala had waited for me, patiently waited for me. The frustration I felt was palpable, I knew what I wanted to do. But I was not going to cut my time short with Mark, for what we were going to do. But I did not want to stop.

Fuck. I let my head hang down.

It is what it is.

So, with a sigh, I stripped and slid into bed, pulled the covers over me. Exhausted, still trembling at my arousal, and lay in the darkness. But my mind swam, would not rest, going a million miles a minute.

Whenever I closed my eyes I could see her, the way she moved, could turn her body in my imagination. The feel of her. I knew the way her body felt, the touch of her breasts, the soft downy hairs of her skin, the way she slid against me this evening, could still feel her breath. And in my minds eye I could see her naked body. She had such a similarity to Lisa; a younger, thinner, narrower hipped Lisa. Her soft skin, the delicacy of her shoulder blades, the line of her ass, and the space between her legs, her sex. It was all visible to my imagining eye. I had touched her, caressed her, felt her bare skin, but she had not removed her clothing before me, but I could SEE.

I knew the color of her pussy, its trimmed bush, the shape of her cunny lips. Her small mouth, her beautiful smile, her breasts, their size and shape, her almond eyes - that fire in them - so teasing, the line of her mouth. Her impish smile. I fantasized about her, could not stop. The feel of her, the softness, imagining her legs opening, over and over.

I thought about the fact she would be graduating, and leaving. Cala would be gone. This play between us, the rising tension. Her touching me now, flirting, playing. Her words. 'Pussy tames you good.' The electricity, the rising tension. How sexual was I willing to go? She asked me. She wants this, I can feel it. The way she looked at me tonight, the dam has burst. I did try to be normal around her, but the normalcy of our touching one another had given way to me being unable to identify what normal is anymore. When she leaned against me downstairs tonight, the heat between us, the feeling of her body. Her small hands stroking my shoulders, the way she tucked her hands into my belt. Just her smell sets me off now.

Fuck.

How I reached back and held her, stroked her thighs, cuped her pussy in my hand. How wet she was. How she lets me do anything to her now. She let me play with her fingers, leaning in close and letting her lips graze my neck. It made me shudder, the feel of her breath at my neck.

What will I do when she is gone? I will be alone. Does her forbidding me seeing Lisa extend to when she is gone? Taking away my fantasy of her.

I felt alone, sad, depressed. My chronic state for the last year. She was going, had already selected her college. Her cryptic remark about 'always,' of course, she is already thinking about leaving. She is weeks from graduating. She will leave home, find a job, find other (did I think other?) lovers. Am I? It is only 400 miles away, but too far to go back and forth. She will be in a dorm. Our 'relationship' cannot continue anyway, whatever our current relationship is.

It can't.

*******************

CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT?

At some point I drifted off, and did not wake until I heard my name whispered in the darkness.

"Nickie?"

I couldn't see, raising myself up and asked, "Wha...??" How had Lisa gotten in the house? I recognized her voice immediately. Looking about the room, "What are you doing in here?"

I was reaching for the light, and at the exact moment the room illuminated she said, "I never got my massage," as I blinked my eyes focused on Cala standing by the door, her legs crossed, swaying back and forth.

"Cala, baby. What you doing?" I put my hand to my face groggily, relief that I had not used Lisa's name. The sheet fell across my lap as I sat myself up.

She stepped nearer, whispering. "Can I, stay here tonight?" I was clutching the covers to me, "Just, tonight."

Upon rousing further, realized I was naked.

Stating the obvious, "Baby, I'm naked."

"But, I'm not."

She looked down at herself, which was a terribly unreasonable response from her to accept, to let her in my bed. I blinked at her, she was standing there in a red nightie, I could tell in the low light how sheer it was, and short, no more than an inch below her little puss. What did she have on under, anything? Her dark hair fallen around her shoulders. I felt my cock grow hard at the sight of her. It was useless to resist, but I made my feeble attempt.

"I...." I did not know what to say. How about yes? "Baby I...." my voice failing, I wanted her there. She was pulling the covers back, crawling in bed with me!

Cala melting any remaining resistance continued, "I just want to be with you. One night. Just one. Can you do that for me Nickie?"

She never called me that before. Lisa always called me Nickie. 'Nickie.' Yes. I wanted her there, it felt right. We did not get to do what we wanted. She put her knee on the bed, waiting. I slid over making room, giving her my voiceless yes, felt the mattress compress as she slipped under the covers.

She slid toward me and I could feel her trembling. Her eyes wide, I could feel her nervousness. As she moved close, I opened my arms enclosing her. She lay her head on my chest.

I turned out the light, and her voice, "We can just sleep, OK? I couldn't sleep. It's all I want, to be near you."

We lay there in the darkness, feeling her warmth fill the bed. Her sweet perfume. I did not know where to put my hands. She was so soft, the silk fabric wrapped around her, it felt like air or spiders webs clinging to her body. My cock was a pole as I lay on my back, Cala extended across my chest at an angle, laying her head on my chest. Her hair, her cheek so warm. She kissed my bare chest, it felt wet and wonderful.

"I love you," she said in the darkness.

"I love you too."

I brought my arm around and lay it at her hip, running my fingers over the curved bone and down the front of her thigh.

And that was it. We lay like that, still. She was rubbing her check to me like a cat getting comfortable, exhaling a contented sigh. It felt OK, almost normal. So close. I held to her and she lay with me, and I began to accept that I was naked.

Silence.

***************

WE DIDN'T SLEEP

Her hand lay on my chest, up by her cheek, and she began to slide her hand down over my stomach. It felt nice, I let her rub me. Today she had been rubbing me I thought, massaging my back. Her fingers playing on my skin. It is fair. What I have done to her. I felt her hand drawing circles over my navel, running her hand around my hips and lower. I could tell what she was up to. Feeling my nakedness, her hand sliding over my hips and onto my thighs.

I opened my eyes and could see her looking at me. The whites of her eyes glowing, her chin on my chest now.

"What are you doing?" I said low, with a slight rumble in my voice.

"Just looking at you." Her hand drifting ever lower as she said that, until I could feel her fingers playing in the hairs at my crotch.

"Well, sleep." I did not remove her hand, which I believe she took as permission. Her hand found the base of my cock from the side, and moving around studiously avoiding my pole. I made no reference to where she was touching me just then, her fingers edging along my balls.

I looked at her again and growled, "I can feel your eyes."

She giggled, "No you can't."

--

Silence again.

Her hand continued to play, teasing around the base of my cock, if I had felt hard before, it was agonizing what she was doing to me. When! Her palm opened, and she lay it flat over my length, pressing it to my abdomen.

I let out a low groan. "Caa-laaaaa." God the pressure of her hand on my bare cock.

I raised my hips up in response, pressing myself into her hand. Her voice had this resonance now, her whole body felt hot.

"Daddy?"

"Baby...." I groaned. My voice was pleading. She squeezed her fingers around the head of my cock. I didn't know what to say. She was pushing down on my head. I did not want to say stop, I did not want her too. She let me touch her anywhere and everywhere. "Uh, oh, baby." I said it again. What did I mean by It? Perhaps my powerlessness. Her hand pressed to me in the darkness.

She proceeded to have a normal conversation as she ran her fingers up and down my length, stroking me, her fingers making out the shape of my cock head, and grasping my balls in her hand, "I graduate in three weeks."

"I know," I breathed. My hip rolling and moving with her hand.

"And, I'll be going to college. And...." She let go my cock and hugged herself to me, sliding along my side, scooting higher. I turned to look at her. She continued, "...I'll miss you. And...And, I don't want to go."

I suddenly became fatherly. The conversation almost sounded normal except I was naked in bed with her and she had been fondling my cock.

"Cala. You won't be that far, we will stay in touch." I brought my arm around her and squeezed. She lay closer, bringing herself right up against me, raising her leg and letting it drop between mine. I could feel the softness and shape of her body, my hand ran down her spine and lay at the curve of her ass. The intoxicating softness of her body.

"It's 400 miles away." Her hand at my cock again.

I breathed out, "You'll forget about me. I mean...about this."

She lifted her head, and looked right at me. I detected a tear in her voice, "I won't. No, I won't." She held on so tight. "I've already tried. It's been such a terrible year daddy. For you. I'm so sorry you been so hurt, I know how sad you've been."

I didn't know what to say. I had tried so hard. She knew how I felt, I hadn't hid a thing. I felt bad, for everything. Now I was making her not want to even go to school. I realized that this 'woman' who I was so enamored with, lusting for (What am I even saying??) was laying here HERE in bed with me. Comforting ME. She turned to me and we lay in that bed nose to nose. I loved her.

God dammit, this isn't supposed to happen.

And I simply had to say it, "I should not have..." and I did not need to say more, my hand caressing her ass. The way we touched now, the way we clung together. "Any of it."

"Don't say that! I let you. I can't explain, I don't want to. I wanted to be there for you, to make things right. To be the one. I told you that." Her hand drifting down again, she held the tip of my cock which was sticking straight out and pushed at the head. And then she said the obvious, "You're so hard."

"Oh, little girl." I groaned as she held me, "You will forget about me." As I said that, I pressed my hands to her chest, feeling her breasts through her nightie as she stroked my cock. The feel of her tight little nipples pressed into my palm. Our bodies getting rapidly aroused, our 'sleep' interrupted. Her nightie was riding up and my hand, drifting lower, found her thighs and I caressed her, checking. Thinking, what is she wearing under this? She was wearing a light and small pair of loose fitting silk panties, giving plenty of access around her legs, not like panties at all. I could feel the hairs of her puss, and the crotch of her panties hanging low between her legs.

She lifted herself up, propping herself on an elbow looking at me close. Her eyes sparkling in the darkness, and I could see her teeth.

"Come with me."

"Baby. You know I can't."

There was a pause between us,

Her voice low, tears in her eyes, could feel them drop onto my chest. She persisted, "School is, expensive. You could get a house and I could stay with you. It would save money." The reasonableness, she knew me. It did sound reasonable in my addled mind. Us together. Her housing costs paying the mortgage. "YOU would be my roommate. I would be your secret. No one would know."

I let out a sigh.

"What?" Her voice a question, with exasperation in it.

"There's so much more to it than that. I would have to ..."

"But you want ME to go?"

"Yes. Go to school, to college. Get on with..." She was crying. "I'll, I will miss you too."

She was hugging me now, "Don't forget about me, and I won't forget."

"Oh, baby. But that's normal. Hard as it is. Baby, I'm so sorry."

Her voice low in the dark, and broken, "I been so lonely. Everything changing, my senior year. I hate what mom did to you, how she hurt you, us. And I want to, to be there for you. I love what happened. What you did. Don't ever apologize. I needed this. I need you daddy. It's different, and you can. Come with me, we could live together."

The warmth between us was this wonderful little world we were laying in, my bed covers and darkness. Just two whispering voices in the dark, our lips inches apart. Our breaths mingling.

"Cala, I think....you are the most beautiful girl, and your whole life...I just...."

She stopped me with a kiss, a lingering, deep kiss.

After its initial surprise I responded. She was still up on her elbow, and she leaned in and kissed me. Her eyes open, my eyes on hers. We kissed as we stared into each others eyes, a kiss that got hungrier as it went on. A kiss of lovers parting. Her tears on my cheeks. Our mouths opening and our tongues touching. Her leg rose higher over my thigh and I held her closer, her hip tipping onto mine, laying on me. My hard cock pressing to her belly, I did not care.

Her nightie had ridden up above her waist, and as I held her to me, was holding her bare back. Her abdomen pressing to my cock skin to skin. Our legs tangling together. The warmth of our bodies feeding the other, our skin, so soft, her young body.

She held herself there, leaning to me, kissing. When finally we stopped, our sighs and warmth. I let my hand run up beneath her nightie and felt her bare skin. What I had been doing for weeks. She slid off me and we turned toward each other, leaning our heads together. She began to touch and play with my cock, as I squeezed her breasts.

I could feel her heart racing, my own hand trembling. I let go.

Reading my thoughts, she whispered, "I want to be sexual with you. It's OK. Go on."

I was so aroused now, my whole body on fire. I ached for her. Wanted to feel her, kiss her, see her. I leaned in and kissing her as I so softly, luxuriously rubbed all over her, felt her, pressed my fingers into her soft flesh. Our heads turned toward one another, we could feel our warm breath between us. I pinched lightly at her nipples, heard this sudden little growl. Her hand reached back around me and rubbing my back and ass. I felt so strong as I lay next to her little body. Rolling her onto her back beneath my kisses.

She was turning her mouth to my ear and whispered to me, "Just think about it daddy. We can. We can do it you know."

"Baby, I will."

The darkness left nothing to the imagination, I could feel the ridges of her little nipples as they tightened against my chest, lay my hand on one breast and then the other, tracing a line back and forth letting my hand fall into the little valley between and rise up the other side. I traced another line up to her neck and touched her bare skin, wrapping my fingers around her throat, could feel her breathing, the pulse of her heart.

I just said, "Your heart is pounding."

She cooed, "Hmmm Hmmm." Her eyes were closed, as she lay there, she had fallen back into the pillow with her arms were stretched over her head. "You can do anything to me, any time you want. Anywhere you want."

I reached up and turned on the light. She continued to lay on the bed with her arms raised. The covers up to her waist and the nightie lay just below her breasts. Her hair spread out on the pillow. She did not move, looking so relaxed laying there in the low light.