by TippingTheScales
I will agree after re reading it for nith time, it is a bit rushed. Tho I do have to say this is much longer than the first draft ;)
The guy reminded me of Moose Malloy in Farewell My Lovely!
A great first chapter -- a pity it was so short! By the time I'd got into it, it was over! Please bring us a longer Chapter 2 soon, and have five stars for a marvellous first effort.
My only criticism would be to make each chapter longer and enrich the story with a little bit more detail. Lovely.