The Fun & Risks of an All-Over Tan Pt. 02

"Of course you do, Nix, you're gorgeous. You should try to meet someone, someone you can love and who loves you."

"I have met someone but she... I need another drink. You?" I nod and she stands. "I'll go," she says and heads towards the bar.

I know what she's saying: she wants me but I won't, I can't commit to her. But she loves me... If only Vince wasn't so determined to destroy my relationship with the girls then Nix and I could give it a go. God knows, the last weeks have proved there's nothing left between Vince and me and our marriage is dead in fact if not in name. I've even found myself trying to think of ways I can hurt him; not physically but emotionally, ways to upset him and wound his precious pride. I don't like what I'm becoming because I've never set out to do anyone deliberate harm before...

The clunk of the wineglass on the table startles me from my contemplation. I look up, ready to apologise for being miles away and see the look on Nix's face. "What's the matter," I ask, concerned.

"Um, I think you should come with me," she says ominously.

"Should I bring my drink?"

"It doesn't matter. Oh, probably best not to; just come on!" I follow her as she takes a circuitous route around the club, working our way towards the bar area. This is now much busier and more crowded than when we first arrived and we have to edge and squeeze our way between people. She grabs my hand and pulls me beside one of several pillars that run in a row parallel to the bar, at the edge of what would be the dance floor but is currently mostly the 'standing around talking' floor.

"Nix, what on earth is going on?" I ask in her ear. She turns, putting her cheek against mine to reply.

"Look to the right behind me, over by the bar: there's a tall blond bloke. Do you see him?" I look and after a few moments searching, I locate him.

"In a pale tee shirt, yes?"

"That's him. Now, to his left a little way there's a guy in a leather jacket." My eyes scan and I give a quick 'uh huh' when I see him. "Now, the bloke he's with..."

There are lots of people milling so I cannot see at first. Then I see his leather-clad left arm is on the waist of the man beside him, a man in a suit, by the looks of things, who holds up a banknote as he orders from the short-haired barwoman. Nix turns, her arm slipping around me. "What am I looking for?" I ask.

"Just... keep watching." The barwoman takes the note and suit man turns, handing a drink to leather jacket man. The shock of what I see goes through me like an electrical jolt. After a moment, mouth still gaping, I take an unsteady step forward. I must have made a mistake for this cannot be true. Nix stops me, her arm tugging me back.

"Vince?" I say weakly and turn to her. "It can't be him; it's just some guy who looks like him. We can get closer and then we'll see."

"Suzie, I was closer and, okay, I know I've only seen him in photos but I'm sure it's him." I look and 'Vince' is laughing with his leather jacketed friend and they draw closer, talking. I pull away from Nix, eyes fixed on the two men, and move towards them. There is an intimacy between them that excludes those around and suggests more than simple friendship.

I'm sure it can't be Vince, I keep telling myself that, but that doesn't stop me from trying to get nearer without being noticed. Hastily I stare down at the floor when I realize that I'd be recognised instantly if it is Vince and he glances in my direction. I have to get closer; I want to see, to be sure, but I also want to hear them to know what they're saying to each other.

I turn my head away and edge sideways towards the bar, peeping out of the corner of my eye to gauge my position. A gap opens and I slip in beside the bar, my back to the back of the man in the suit. I listen but the noise is too loud to hear the men until a change in the music track brings a momentary lull. "...got a hope, Tommy!" the man behind me laughs. "You keep dragging me here but I keep telling you I don't dance. Why can't we just go back to your place and get..." I don't know if it's the music getting louder or it's the roaring in my ears but I stop hearing his voice. Without a doubt it is Vince's voice and also his slightly nasal, braying laugh.

I turn slightly, a cold, sick feeling in my stomach, and can see Nix edging her way towards me. She looks at me questioningly and I nod at which her mouth becomes a hard line as she pushes her way quickly to my side. Her arms wrap around me, to hug and comfort and support. I hug her back, my head dropping onto her shoulder.

"It's him! I think I knew when I first saw him but didn't want to believe it. The man he's with is called Tommy and they've been here together before so..."

"Boyfriends?" she suggests and I nod. "The hypocritical shit!" she curses angrily. I feel her anger seeping into me, displacing the icy sickness; fire and fury builds inside and I want to shout and scream at him. Nix senses my mood and lifts my head to look me in the eye. "No, don't just react but let's think. We need a picture of them otherwise it's your word against his video." I can see she has pulled her phone out of her pocket. "Come this way."

She walks backwards drawing me with her and keeping me between her and Vince. I cannot resist a quick glance behind: they are still close together and talking. Nix raises the camera as if to photograph me and at the last moment changes the camera and to snap Vince and Tommy instead. "Come on darling," she calls out, "another one with you smiling this time!" Hesitantly I try to look as if I want to be photographed and there are a couple more flashes. "Come on Suzie! Strike a pose lover! Con-VINCE me!" she yells and gestures me to the right. There are another series of bright flashes as I spin to my right until I am facing Vince and can see he has turned at Nix's cry. He looks happy but a little startled in the flashing of Nix's camera, a drink in his right hand and his left resting satisfyingly incriminatingly on Tommy's arm.

He blinks, no doubt trying to clear his eyes of the afterimages of the flash as I step closer. "Hello Vince," I say coldly. "If you'd care to come over, Nix and I would like to talk with you." I turn and walk away. Nix smiles at Vince, holding up her phone and wiggling it at him. I take her arm as I pass and we head back to our drinks. I don't look back: I'm not giving him any reason to think I'm desperate to talk to him. Actually, what I want is not so much to talk to him as to haul his vindictive, lying arse over red-hot coals for the way he's treated me.

Happily, our drinks are still on the table as we re-seat ourselves, Nix slipping into the right hand seat ahead of me, before looking to see if Vince has followed. There is a fearful moment when I suddenly worry that he'll be rushing home to show Katie that video... but no, here he is, stomping towards us with Tommy bobbing along behind and wearing a confused look on his face.

"What a surprise to meet my husband in a gay club with his... boyfriend? Are you his boyfriend Tommy?" I ask.

"Uh? I guess... what?" he replies uncertainly. Yup, none too bright is Tommy-boy.

I turn to look up at Vince. "So, what was it you said to me? That you refuse to be cuckolded by some queer punk-girl slut because your wife's become a raving dyke? You hypocritical, cock-sucking bastard!" My voice is rising. "How long?" I shout. "How long have you been seeing him? Is, is he the first? Did you know you liked men when we married? What do you... do you..." I am becoming incoherent, my anger and frustration jamming my brain. I feel Nix take my hands and squeeze them gently.

"Suzie, you have to give the hypocritical, cock-sucking bastard a chance to answer you my darling." She looks up at the two men. "Perhaps you should sit down, both of you."

"Would saying sorry help?" Vince asks as he sits but takes one look at my face and adds, "No, no, obviously not."

"No, it won't. Now, answer my questions, you shit," I hiss at him.

He confesses, slowly and awkwardly, that his first time was some fifteen years ago: a chance meeting on a business trip when he'd got drunk and ended up going back to some guy's hotel room. "I swore it would never happen again, that it had been a one-off drunken mistake, but... I kept wondering, wanting to do it again, to..." He shakes his head. "I didn't want to hurt you or the girls, I really didn't so I couldn't tell you what I'd done and, fuck it, I'm not gay, not really." Hearing his excuses and his denial of his sexuality re-ignites my anger.

"Well, you could have fooled me!" Tommy exclaims before I can say anything. "You looked pretty gay to me with my cock in your mouth, honey!" Nix laughs but I, like Queen Victoria, am not amused.

"So it's okay for you to have gay sex with your toy-boy lovers, to barely touch me and, when you do, to be no more than dutiful..."

"I'm sorry, Susan, I tried to do the right thing and to satisfy you, physically. I know I wasn't very good but I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did! The lack of love was bad enough, and maybe you didn't mean to hurt me in that way, but when I found someone who loved and adored me both emotionally and physically, you deliberately tried to destroy that and keep us apart! You meant that and it was cruel and vindictive... and hypocritical. When you found out about Nix and me that was your time to confess about Tommy and your other lovers. Instead you insulted me, called me names; you bullied and threatened to shame me to our daughters. Why, Vince? Why try and keep Nix and me apart?"

"I... was ashamed of what I was. God, if I my parents or brother ever found out... I couldn't let the girls down either and break up our marriage so I never told you about... what I'd done. And then I thought you were having an affair and I was so shocked when I found out that it was with a girl. I was angry too and, I know it's ridiculous, but I felt betrayed that, that..." he looks down, unable to meet my gaze, "that you were so desperate for sex that you'd sleep with a woman. I didn't want our marriage to end like that, with you going off with her. People would look at me and ask what kind of man ends up turning his wife into a lesbian..."

"The kind of man who prefers to fuck guys rather than his wife, maybe? You arsehole!" exclaims Nix and, though it's a pretty fair assessment of Vince and his behaviour, I hush her. Now, for the first time in years, we are being open and honest with each other. I have loved him, in the past, and while it's no longer love, I do care about him, a little. More than that though, I want this to end in a way that doesn't hurt Helena and Katie.

"Our marriage is over, you know that Vince?" I ask, without anger or spite. I see his nod, though he remains staring down at the table. "It was dying anyway but after all this, how you threatened and treated me... it's over. I'm not interested in revenge, Vince; I just want to be happy... I want the chance to be with Nix and see how that goes. Like you, I really don't want to hurt our daughters. Shit, I don't want our parents or friends upset either. But, Vince look at me," I demand and he raises his head slowly. "I am not taking the blame for this. We can tell Helena and Katie that we're going to separate, tell friends and family. It can be a mutual, no blame parting."

"I'll move out, I guess," he says quietly.

"Maybe," I tell him and then look across at Nix, "but perhaps there's someone I can stay with?" A smile, intensely happy and radiant, grows on her face like sun breaking through clouds.

"Oh yes, absolutely!" she confirms joyfully and leans in to kiss me on the mouth. The kiss is quite brief and I turn back to Vince.

"Vince, I'm not going to shout my sexuality from the rooftops; I know there's still a great deal of prejudice and bigotry in the world, even if things are much better than when we were young. However, I'm not going to deny it either and if Nix and I stay together then, in time, our friends are going to know that I'm a lesbian." He nods but there is fear in his eyes. "What you choose to do is up to you but I do think we need to be honest with Helena and Katie; we should tell them soon."

"But what if they... what if it upsets them?"

"Vince, they're both adults now. It will be a shock to them, I'm sure, but if we show that we accept each other then, well, it'll help them accept it too." He still looks scared and unsure but I can't see any point in saying more now. Anyway, the girlfriend that, a few hours ago I thought I'd never be with again is sitting beside me and I want to start enjoying the future that is now opening up as a possibility. "Right, Tommy!" he gives a start at my exclamation of his name. "It's time for you to take Vince, take your boyfriend, back to the bar and buy him a stiff drink or two and remind him that life and love go on. I, meanwhile, intend to finish my drink with my girlfriend here," I savour saying the word 'girlfriend', "and then I feel I shall want to dance with her, quite a lot!"

"And drink more and then more dancing!" she enthuses.

Tommy slips out of his seat and holds out his hand to Vince, encouraging him to follow, which he does, slowly. "Look after him, Tommy, please?" I ask and he nods with a slight smile. He reminds me of Helena, suddenly discovering that being a grown up, being responsible, can feel good too. "Vince, if you go home don't worry about me; I think I might be out all night so don't wait up."

- - - - - - - - o o O o o - - - - - - - -

Chapter Eight

"Katie, can you help me with the clearing up?" I ask. I do my best to ask casually but inside I'm nervous of how she'll react and what she'll say when we're alone in the kitchen. Of course, it's what she's thinking and feeling that I want to know but that doesn't stop me worrying.

"Sure, Mum," she replies, surprisingly cheerfully, continuing the more pleasant demeanour she's had throughout Sunday lunch. This mood has been an improvement on her mood since Vince and I told them our news - all of it - on Friday evening.

Vince hadn't wanted to say anything to the girls at all and then had only wanted to tell them that we were going to separate. That concession had taken a week since the encounter at Prismatic to wring out of him but, now I'd managed that, I realized it wasn't enough. "Are you going to leave then? Are you going to move out?" I asked him.

"I thought you were going to stay with Nix," he replied, which was of course what I'd said.

"But moving out to live next door will seem, well, a bit odd, don't you think? And it leaves the girls thinking that I'm walking out on them; when they find Nix and I are in a relationship they'll assume that's the reason I left and that's not fair because you were unfaithful first." I knew that made me sound like a petulant child but I couldn't help that.

It took another five days: five days of him thinking, and my coercion and old fashioned wifely (or soon-to-be-ex-wifely) nagging but, finally, he agreed. So on Friday he came home early; we ordered in pizza and sat around. Katie and Helena were a little intrigued, I suppose, about what was going since we hadn't done anything like this since they were in their mid-teens. I looked across at Vince, hoping that he might start but, of course, having agreed to this he felt his job was done. No, this was going to be down to me.

"Helena, Katie, your Dad and I have something to tell you both, several things actually." My mouth had gone dry with nerves and I was forced to take a large mouthful of wine, which I felt didn't look too good. "Now, you're both adults so we feel we can be honest with you, as we've had to be with each other."

"You're splitting up, aren't you," Katie interrupted.

"Er, yes," I conceded.

"How did you know, Katie?" Vince asked.

"Dad, Mum, I'm not blind or stupid; Helena and I know you've not been happy together for months, years practically. Since I got back from holiday... well, things have been pretty crap between you guys."

"You've seemed pretty distant from each other since I arrived back from the States," Helena says rather sadly.

"You are right, both of you," I admitted, "your Dad and I haven't been happy together and that's been true for a very long time and it's come to the point where we need to part company."

"Why now, Mum?" Helena wanted to know. I looked again at Vince offering him the chance to be the one to say something and, though he obviously didn't realize it as he looked down, the opportunity to decide what the girls were told. However, I opted to go easy on him; I guess I do have some residual concern for him but, more importantly, I didn't want this to become a slanging match between the two of us. That didn't mean I was going to let him off the hook entirely though.

"Well, the truth is that your Dad has been seeing someone for a while, someone who mattered rather more to him than I did, it seems." There were exclamations from both Katie and Helena and Vince shot me an angry look. "And, recently, I've met someone too, someone who loves and cares for me and makes me feel wanted for the first time in ages."

"So Dad's had a girlfriend for some time and now you've got a boyfriend?" Katie asked.

I could have said yes. Perhaps if she had said 'So the two of you have a girlfriend and a boyfriend,' I might have done so and leave the assumption to go uncorrected. However, when I saw Vince lift his head and take a breath to answer I suddenly couldn't let it go. "Urm, well almost but... er... the other way around."

The girls looked confused for a moment before Helena exclaimed, "You have the girlfriend, Mum?"

"Oh shit, don't tell me it's Nicola!" Katie said angrily to which I nodded weakly. "That's just... disgusting, Mum." She stood, loudly dropping her plate onto the coffee table and walked out as I called futilely after her.

Helena, on the other hand, looked across at Vince. "Which also means you have a boyfriend Dad, does it not?"

"Yes, Helena, it does, I mean I do."

"Okay. Mum, I'm sure Katie will come round, whoever Nicola is." I smiled a weak smile of thanks at Helena and then told her a little about Nix and how Katie knew her. What I could not explain was why Katie was quite so antagonistic towards Nix.

Katie stayed with a friend on Friday night and we didn't see her yesterday, Saturday, either. She also wouldn't answer her phone or reply to my texts. However, she came home this morning and, very soon after, Helena took her out for a walk. I don't know what they discussed but, as I said, Katie has been quite pleasant since they returned.

Sunday lunch passed... well, happily would, perhaps, be overstating it but amicably enough. I'm aware that both Vince and I tend to talk to the girls rather than each other but what can you do? Better that than antagonism and sarcastic comments. However I'm still worried of how Katie will be with me when just the two of us are together, let alone next time she sees Nix. Still, one step at a time.

As we rise at the end of the meal I turn to Katie. "Katie, can you help me with the clearing up"

"Sure, Mum," she replies, surprisingly cheerfully, and we clear the table, carrying plates and cutlery through to the kitchen. I've not mentioned Friday night or Nix during the meal and I'm not sure what to say now to broach the subject. "I'm sorry for how I behaved on Friday," she unexpectedly says as we stand either side of the dishwasher loading it with plates. "It was a shock, finding out that Nico... I mean Nix is your girlfriend." I rest my hand on hers gently a little hesitantly.

"I do understand, Katie; I didn't expect it either. I almost didn't, er, correct your mistake, you know, about the boyfriend-girlfriend situation." I admit.