The Jailhouse Blues Ch. 03

"They don't want to live on Easy Street: where life is made easy for females, by making life hard for males. They don't want to live in Luxury Lane: where females live a life of luxury, financed and provided on the backs of the counterbalancing restraints and obligations that we impose upon our menfolk.

"Easy Street, Luxury Lane ... call it what you will. But Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton, here? They don't want to live in a land, where only males pay tax on their income. While females -- who, for whatever personal reasons of their own, still choose to work -- receive their salaries tax-free. They just simply don't want, such a perfect female-favoured counterbalance. They just simply don't want, to be the rightful and lawful recipients of such marvellous, unprecedented lifestyle benefits.

"And what is worse, insurgent females such as Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton, would deny all of that to their more sensible sisters. They would deny all of those hard-won prizes, to the rest of us intelligent, right-thinking females.

"Rebels such as Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton don't want to live in a female-friendly society, where females have the upper hand, at last. Where the fairer sex, at last, hold the whip-hand.

"Where males, should they fail to respond promptly and obediently to the rightful and lawful summons of a service-availing female, are subject to arrest, summary jurisdiction trial -- or, in the case of recidivists, immediate re-imprisonment -- and enrolled into our female-friendly rehabilitation Refresher Course programme ... and up to now, there haven't been many repeat offenders.

"At a click of their fingers, any man in the land, not already engaged in the active service or commission of another female, could be summoned at zero notice to do these females' bidding.

"At their merest whim, they could assign a man to their own beck and call. They could have any available man they wanted, at their service. Have him wait on her, hand and foot: respectfully, humbly, obediently, compliantly -- until she is ready to dismiss him.

"Yes, prisoner Lightwood. Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton could have all of that. But no. They don't want to be the beneficiaries of such life-changing easements. Instead, they and their wrong-minded activist cohorts eschew their female-friendly societal rights. They refuse to take advantage, of their elevated, up-on-a-pedestal statuses, upon which, every man in the land must look up to them.

"Why? Because they just simply don't want them. They just simply don't want to avail themselves, of their rightful, lawful dues -- their AFP-mandated entitlements.

"Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton, and the rest of their disruptive and backward-thinking band, don't want to be the authoritarian mistresses and tyrannical commissioners of second-class citizen, obsequious, kowtowing, unfailingly servile, fawningly reverent males, in our female-friendly society. They have no wish, prisoner Lightwood, to hold the whip-hand.

"Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton, and other females of their ilk; other ... foolish reactionaries, don't want to keep you males under their thumbs, by dint of such AFP-vested powers.

"Difficult to comprehend, isn't it, prisoner Lightwood? That these females don't want to partake of the sumptuous fruits of our hard-won privileges. That they don't want to taste the sublime wines, of the Authoritarian Female Party's glorious achievements. That they do not want to be a part, of this golden new era. This Utopian dream, come true."

"That's right," agreed prison officer Billie Jo disgustedly. "They don't. They reject out of hand, the fundamental principles of female supremacy.

"They don't want to live in our female-dominion Utopia," said prison officer Billie Jo scathingly. "Instead, they want to go back to the bad old days, and the bad old ways. Back to the fundamentally flawed -- and fundamentally wrong! -- male-female equality system. And, worst of all, these foolish females want to drag the enlightened, newly empowered female population back down with them! They would have the jam-tomorrow Preservative Party back in power!"

"Hard to believe, prisoner Lightwood. Isn't it?" said prison officer Bella Donna.

"Assembling in the streets of our towns and cities, and protesting with their anti-AFP banners, placards, and sandwich-boards. Criticising our cherished Prime Minister, Caroline Flynt, with their vile, heretic slogans and delusioned pronouncements. Decrying all of our brilliant leader's wonderful female-friendly advancements. Denigrating her ever growing list of realised brainchilds: her visional quality-of-life improvements, commissioned in the interests and the furtherance of womankind."

"Yes!" agreed prison officer Billie Jo zealously. She was getting increasingly hot under the collar, such was the staunch fervour of her AFP fanaticism, and her strong opinions on these particular vexed issues. "And everywhere, are these female insurgents' egregiously defamatory -- and inflammatory! -- posters, pamphlets, and flyers.

"Their Preservative Party posters: blatantly displayed in the windows of their houses. Their pamphlets: intrusively pushed through people's letterboxes, shamelessly handed out to pedestrian passers-by, and slipped under the windscreen-wipers of people's cars like so much annoying bumph. Their flyers: brazenly posted on lampposts, on trees, in bus shelters -- and even in telephone kiosks!"

"Clearly," said prison officer Bella Donna, "females such as Tina Marshall and Janice Middleton, cannot be of sound mind. In rejecting out of hand, such unprecedented privileges: all of their AFP-gifted female-friendly societal rights, benefits, entitlements, and empowerments -- they cannot possibly be in their right minds. Can they, prisoner Lightwood?"

"Um, er ... no, Miss Bella Donna," I said respectfully. "I suppose they can't be."

Which earned me another withering stare, from the brave and heroic female prisoner Tina Marshall.

"Which is why," continued prison officer Bella Donna, "they have been brought here, to Greystone Prison: to put thinking-caps on their heads. To be made to see the errors of their ways. To be made to see reason. To have irrational thoughts expunged from their minds. To enable them to think straight -- think coherently and logically."

I'd been hearing this utter nonsense, this brainwashing balderdash, every single day for the past year. Usually, I was subjected to it during Foot Service, when the jailhouse blue prison officers were at their most zealous and instructional.

But though I feigned to listen, and adhere -- though I gave every outward appearance of taking on board, and taking to heart these daily female-friendly ideological 'teachings' -- actually their brainwashing, mindset adjusting philosophising rants and ravings went in one ear, and straight out of the other.

I felt another tug on my handcuffed wrist, sharper this time.

"Jaws! Gummy! Come along now," said prison officer Bella Donna. "The show's over. Governor Monroe is expecting you ... And so is her visitor."

*

Polished and buffed up to a nice sparkly shine every day by a member of the prisoner Clean-Up Detail, the impressive gold-coloured plaque on the dark hardwood door was gleaming. It read: 'Meredith Ursula Monroe -- Governor of Greystone Prison'.

Prison officer Bella Donna grabbed my elbow and hissed at me in annoyance. "Just what, prisoner Lightwood, are you finding so funny?"

"Nothing, Miss Bella Donna," I said respectfully.

I'd never noticed it before, but the initials of the Governor's full name were an acronym for 'MUM'. Which I thought was sort of ironic, since Governor Monroe's attitude and behaviour towards her prisoners was hardly what most of them would consider motherly.

"Enter!" called Governor Meredith Monroe, upon hearing prison officer Bella Donna's firm but polite-sounding double knock.

Like two female High School prefects bossily escorting a couple of younger errant male pupils to the dreaded Deputy Head's study for a good talking to, prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo hustled Ross and me into the Governor's office. "Reporting as requested, Ma'am!" announced prison officer Bella Donna.

"With prisoners Lightwood and Chapman!" prison officer Billie Jo felt inclined to add.

"Thank you," said Governor Monroe. "At ease, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo. And you may now unhandcuff the two prisoners."

"Ma'am!" said prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo simultaneously.

"Ah!" cried the AFP's Minister of Prisons delightedly. "Officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo! I am so pleased to make your acquaintance, officers. An absolute pleasure, I assure you. I am Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons."

"Ma'am!" responded prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo earnestly. This was a real and rare treat: they were actually getting to meet in person an Authoritarian Female Party Cabinet Minister.

"Over coffee with the Governor, just now, I have been hearing so much about you both, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo. So many good things! Meredith— I mean Governor Monroe, speaks so very highly of you, so very highly indeed. She has expressed to me her utmost confidence in you both. Such glowing praise, she has showered on you. Such acclaim!

"Her decision to pair the two of you together, she tells me, was an inspired choice. It has paid such high dividends!

"Yours, she enthuses, is a standout, top-notch prison officer partnership. Absolutely first-rate. You seem to have a mutual, symbiotic understanding. There is a chemistry between you, that reacts to bring out the very best in each other. Individually, Governor Monroe tells me, you are young women of substance. Powerful personalities, in your own rights. But when partnered together, and complementing each other's considerable repertoire of strengths, abilities and talents, you combine in such a formidable and effective team.

"The Governors of our prisons always keep a keen talent-spotting eye open. Ever on the lookout, for excellence. Ever on the lookout, for potential. Ever on the look out, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, for precocious young officers. Officers, who show the early tell-tale signs that they have a real aptitude for their work. Early tell-tale signs, that they are made of the right stuff ... And your excellent prisoner-management abilities, Governor Monroe assures me, are already second to none.

"All of our prison officers possess a natural air of authority, which of course is a key requirement to their recruitment as rehabilitators.

"But you, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, are particularly gifted. Gifted with even more exceptional natural qualities. Naturally gifted, in fact, with the tools of the trade.

"As I myself, can now attest, you are both possessed of such an unsettling, disturbing, intimidating authority, such as any prisoner with half a brain will quickly bow to and submissively acknowledge.

"So many times, Governor Monroe tells me, you have distinguished yourselves with your admirable prisoner-control skills. You have benefitted so many prisoners. You have straightened them out. So many difficult, stubborn, recalcitrant inmates, you have put on the road to rehabilitation.

"Especially so, the prisoners who at first were not responding positively to our therapeutic treatment procedures -- the slow learners. You have put thinking-caps on their heads. You have made them see the errors of their ways. You have made them see reason. Thanks to you, so many of them are now thinking straight -- thinking coherently and logically. You have successfully instilled into them, once and for all, the concepts of propriety, where females are concerned.

"And so I am taking very seriously indeed, Governor Monroe's most persuasive recommendations that you both be considered for promotional fast-tracking.

"Governor Monroe and myself agree on most things, and on this issue, too, we are like-minded: the likes of you, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, don't come along every day. You and your ilk are a rare breed indeed.

"And particularly now -- at this critical juncture in the Authoritarian Female Party's budding development, when things could still go so terribly wrong for us -- you are a highly sought-after commodity.

"Officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo ... the AFP needs you," said Ms Lynne Truss solemnly.

"Ma'am!" shouted prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo fervently.

"You and other young women like you, are the high quality raw materials with which we will fortify our societal infrastructure. Together, we will create the conditions necessary for our dream's fruition. Together, we will clear the way, and lay the high-grade, resilient foundations upon which can be built a better, female-friendly future.

"Little by little, with carefully timed insinuations of more and more of our Female-Friendly Code legislations, we will solidify our grip on our menfolk.

"We shall establish a new, female-friendly societal framework. A stronghold, in which we will restrictively contain and rigorously control the male population -- and impose upon them our rightful, enshrined-in-law, unquestioned and unchallengeable authority!

"We will pave the way, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, to a glorious new reality. The likes of which, before the rise of the Authoritarian Female Party government, we could only dream of: a female-friendly society. Together, we shall realise our cherished ambitions. We will make our dream come true: A female-supremacy Utopia!

"Governor Monroe and myself agree: once discovered, officers of such high calibre as yourselves should be ushered through, as it were, as expeditiously as is prudent, to roles in more senior positions. With judicious mentoring, you will rise to be the stars of the AFP's tomorrow. The future custodians, of our golden new era.

"Once recognised, such valuable and uncommon talents as yours should be assessed at an early stage. So that, guided by our mentors, your fledgling potentials and promise will develop apace, and so be fully realised and tapped into and capitalised on all the sooner. So that we can rest assured, that the future integrity of our higher-management briefs will be doubly and triply ensured and protected, in such capable hands and such right-thinking heads as yours.

"Well, let me tell you: many indeed, are the opportunities for advancements within the Service ... for the right people. And I can tell you also, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo: Governor Monroe's glowing testimonial of your triple-A credentials augers so well for the rapid furtherance of your Prison Service careers!

"I can see no earthly reason, why the both of you won't swiftly rise to the top of the promotional ladder. Rung, after quick-climbing rung. You are just the sort of strong-minded, no-nonsense, tough but fair young women the Prison Service is crying out for these days: you are not frightened of being cruel, to be kind."

"No, Ma'am!" agreed prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo emphatically.

The light of rabid political fanaticism glinting in their eyes, prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo were thoroughly enjoying Ms Lynne Truss's AFP-agenda pep talk. All ears, they were absorbing the Authoritarian Female Party Cabinet Minister's every inspiring word ...

"In the sort of rehabilitation establishments that the UK electorate entrust us to run, prisoners do not respond well to kindness.

"No. The convicted criminal elements delivered unto us, would laugh, at such softhearted slack-cutting. To them, kindness means weakness: to act kindly, is to act weakly. And, faced with weakness, and not with strength, they would take gross advantage ... There is a lot of truth to the adage: 'Give them an inch, and they will take a mile'.

"And then, with our authority so catastrophically compromised, we would find our rehabilitation treatment programmes rendered unimplementable. Prison officers' commands to prisoners, would have no hard currency behind them: biddings, instructions, orders -- would be just so many empty, ignorable words.

"Given such latitude, prisoners would be emboldened. They would become brazen, disobedient, noncompliant -- and they would not come to heel. Prison officers, attempting to impose their authority -- attempting to perform their lawful duties -- in commanding prisoners to assume the position for Foot Service, would be scoffed at."

Ms Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons, took a couple of sips of her coffee, and then resumed her morale boosting pep talk.

"Which is why it is so necessary— no, so absolutely vital, to put our collective foot down. To stamp down on, crush, and obliterate the slightest sign of prisoner uppityness as soon as it appears.

"And so, while it hurts us, much more than it hurts the prisoners, we have to be cruel, to be kind. It is the only way. There can be no easy-going, tenderhearted, mamby pamby slack-cutting. It is simply not good for prisoners. Lenient, concessionary, mollycoddling treatment is counterproductive. It is simply not in their best interests -- and, as their rehabilitating custodians, it is certainly not in yours!"

"No, Ma'am!" said prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo in wholehearted concurrence.

"As Chairwoman of the Prisons Promotions Board, I can promise you will both have my future full support and favour with regards to matters of career advancement. Indeed, you may consider me your patron.

"From now on, I shall be taking a close personal interest. Not just in your upcoming Annual Assessment reviews, but in all of your future promotional pay-scale and allowances reviews. Not to mention your other work related benefits and entitlements reviews, too. And ... strictly entre nous ... I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised, if one day the Prisons Promotions Board recommends that you are both awarded your own prison Governorships ..."

"Ma'am!" prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo almost yelled.

"In fact, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, given the most vexatious and hugely problematical issue facing the AFP today -- that of female-led insurgency -- that day could come much sooner than you might think.

"Stirred up by the seditionist movement's cabal of ringleader agitators, the fomentation of anti-AFP sentiment is still stubbornly on the rise.

"Though inevitably, in their increasingly elaborate efforts to avoid detection and evade capture by our security services, their movement's key leadership will soon be forced underground.

"But then, they will adapt ...

"Their disruptive and damaging anti-AFP operatives' criminal activities will become much less daring. And much less blatant: we will no longer see their unwary heads and blithe faces popping up above the parapet. They'll no longer be sticking their tongues out at us, as it were. No longer so bold, they'll start playing it safe. We will find ourselves facing more of a hit-and-run style of opposition."

While her audience contemplated her disquieting words, Ms Lynne Truss took another sip of her coffee. "Mmmm ... this coffee is good, Meredith. Very good indeed," complimented the UK Prison Service's top banana.

Without being asked, wordlessly and unobtrusively prison officer Bella Donna stepped up to Governor Monroe's desk, picked up the half-full jug of coffee from the percolator hot plate, and topped up her two superiors' coffee cups with the steaming hot black liquid.

Acknowledging prison officer Bella Donna's polite considerateness, Governor Monroe and Ms Lynne Truss smiled their thanks, and took appreciative sips from their freshly filled cups.

Neither the Governor or her much esteemed visitor added anything to their coffee, I noticed. They both took their coffee black. Just as I had ... Yes: had. Past tense.