The Jailhouse Blues Ch. 03

"And the crueller sock-changing females, rather than just simply tossing their pairs of dirty used socks -- predominantly white leisure socks -- into one of the colour-coded wheelie-bins provided, these more wicked, malevolent-minded sock-changing females relish taking the opportunity to rub their Sock Room community servant's nose in it, as it were. Taking a malicious, gleeful delight, in personally handing over to him their just-removed pairs of dirty, stinky socks: 'Here's my dirty, stinky socks for you to hand-wash -- Sock Boy!' is a common cruel Sock Room taunt. And: 'Don't forget to pull them through the right way again!' is another particular favourite.

"The prevailing thinking, is that the Sock Room brings out the bitch in them.

"But then, there are the particularly malicious, Sock Room 'regulars'.

"These nothing-better-to-do-with-their-time, Welfare Benefits lifestyle females are the real bane of the Sock Room community servants' lives. They are the real bullies.

"These frightful women are notorious for their cruel perpetrations. They can be incredibly hurtful. Especially when in the company of their cohort cronies, when, egged on by their like-minded friends, they are at their ridiculing and tormenting worst ... There's a lot more, Lynne, about these dreadful so-called 'regulars', and the sorts of diabolical humiliations they inflict upon their Sock Room community servants, documented a bit further on in the report.

"Being so handily and conveniently situated, as they are, our town's and cities' Sock Rooms are highly popular and much-frequented establishments," continued Governor Monroe.

"To many females, their town's Sock Room is a useful hub; a congenial meeting place to rendezvous with friends. Perhaps before going on shopping in the nearby town centre, or to the multiplex cinema, or to a fast-food restaurant ... with clean socks on.

"But, to the so-called 'regular' sock-changing females, visits to their local Sock Rooms are much more than that -- much more, than just a quick, sock-changing pop-in venue.

"To the 'regulars', their visits to their local Sock Room has become a pastime, a hobby ... a leisure activity. The ideal place, for a jolly get-together. To them, the Sock Room is a place of entertainment: their social club.

"But to them, the Sock Room is more than that, too: it is their magnet. Their attraction. Like iron filings irresistibly drawn to an electromagnet, these Sock Room 'regulars' are just as irresistibly drawn to their 'Social Club'. Just as they have been, right from the very first day of their Sock Room's much trumpeted opening.

"Hmmm ... and the Sock Rooms are actually quite well-appointed, Lynne. Just as one would hope, if one was in the habit of spending serious time there.

"There are comfortable seats provided -- some recliners, even. All overlooking the Sock Room community servant's lower-level work area.

"So that the Sock Room 'regulars' can relax.

"So that they can comfortably partake of the refreshments they've brought along with them in their coolboxes and sports bags ...

"Enjoying their food and drink, while they enjoy looking down on the Sock Room community servant, working so very hard in his senseless sock-laundering labours.

"Chewing the fat, while they chew their food, gloating over the Sock Room community servant's mindless toil, hand-washing his town's females' dirty, stinky socks.

"Observing with malicious glee, the Sock Room community servant's insane endeavours: futilely slaving away, in the town's sock-changing females' behalf ... and working especially hard, and slaving away even more futilely, in their behalf.

"These Sock Room 'regulars', Lynne, are the ultimate wind-up merchants. They are the Sock Room community servants' worst nightmare. They are the true harbingers of despondency and despair -- the real soul-destroyers. The expert inflictors of misery.

"Quite often, apparently, some of these Sock Room obsessives walk around shoeless, for days on end. In socks that they have worn, for days on end. They find it delightful fun, to deliberately dirty and stink up their socks as much as they can. So as to make their sweaty, grubby, grimy, filthy dirty white leisure socks all the harder and all the more problematical for the already overworked, overburdened -- overwhelmed -- Sock Room community servant to hand-wash clean again.

Governor Monroe took a few more sips of her now cooling coffee. "It's Italian-style, actually, Lynne ... the coffee, I mean," she informed Ms Truss, Minister of Prisons.

"Ah, what a shocking waste, Lynne, of a person's time," further bemoaned Governor Monroe. "What a terrible, appalling waste ... So I've assigned officer Candice as principal overseer for female prisoner Tina Marshall's rehabilitation programme.

"Not that I'm hopeful -- given her apparent undying devotion to her sock-washing boyfriend. But if officer Candice can't bring prisoner Marshall around to our sensible way of thinking, well, at least we'll know that Tina is being ... dealt with, for her defiant noncompliance."

Ms Lynne Truss said, "Yes, Meredith. No wonder prisoner Tina Marshall is so very concerned for her boyfriend. Sock Rooms certainly are the most dreadful establishments -- unless you are a sock-changing female, of course. Being assigned to work in a Sock Room, is to my mind not only particularly difficult, but also the most horrendous of Placements.

"And once assigned to a Placement -- either by Job Centre staff; or, as was the case with David Smith, by the local Community Service Liaison Officer herself -- it is nigh on impossible, for a community servant to then extricate himself from his predicament by finding gainful employment ...

"A previous Placement occupation on a CV doesn't look too impressive to a prospective employer. In fact it is extremely off-putting. More than a disadvantage, more than a mere handicap, it is a stigma. And so a community servant can find himself stuck in his assigned Placement for a very long time.

"If a job seeker was fired from his previous employment, for say ... persistent lateness, or for taking too much time off work, or for incompetence, or even for petty theft -- his chances are still excellent for finding himself a new job. With so few females taking up menial and unpleasant jobs since the introduction of the AFP's Ladies of Leisure legislation, his job prospects are still extremely good.

"But when a personnel manager learns that the job applicant was once, or still is, on a Placement ... Well, as a desperate last resort, in the event of a sheer need to fill the job vacancy, the personnel manager might then offer the unattractive and difficult-to-fill post to the stigmatised job applicant. But, for such a 'favour', the personnel manager will undoubtedly attach many ... strings.

"Occasionally, in the event of CSOs reporting to the local Community Service Liaison Officer that a community servant under their supervision is displaying symptoms of Burnout Syndrome, in hopes of averting his fully succumbing to this increasingly common condition she will arrange for him to be transferred to another Placement.

"The thinking behind this, is that a change is as good as a rest.

"But more often than not, a community servant is hardly any better off for his change of scene. It is usually a case of: 'Out of the frying pan, and into the fire'. Disturbingly, all over the UK, CSO reports of community servant Burnout Syndrome are rising sharply. It is becoming an epidemic.

"And of course, Tina Marshall has seen for herself, hasn't she, Meredith? Tina has seen for herself, first-hand, just how shockingly and cruelly her boyfriend David Smith is treated in Canford town's Sock Room. By his two supervisors, Karen and Linda. And by his own town's sock-changing females."

"Yes, Lynne. And especially so, by the so-called Sock Room 'regulars' ...

"According to David Smith's Person of Interest file, an across-the-road neighbour of his, a Mrs Norma Newlove, is the worst of them all.

"On the day of David's arrest -- by CSOs Karen and Linda themselves, who in their AFP van had gone to David's home to pick him up -- one of our agents at large, notified of David's imminent arrest, made note of Norma's ecstatic reaction. Our agent at large says that Norma was beside herself with joy. That she was -- and I quote: 'Dancing in the street'.

"Apparently, for reasons that we don't yet know, there is a mutual, hostile dislike. A simmering animosity, between them. Enmity, almost, on the part of Mrs Newlove."

"Really, Meredith?" said Ms Lynne Truss, interestedly. "I must say, that certainly sounds like very bad news for David!"

"Yes, Lynne. Because now, of course, Mrs Norma Newlove has got David Smith exactly where she wants him ... Imagine her glee! It's like a dream come true!

"According to the daily reports filed by CSOs Karen and Linda, who as I have said are Canford town's two Sock Room supervisors, on a daily basis Norma Newlove really goes out of her way to make sure that David Smith is made as miserable as possible. More often than not, with a little help from her Welfare Benefits lifestyle friends ... Oh, she doesn't half give David something to think about, according to CSOs Karen and Linda!"

"Really, Meredith? How interesting! What else does it say, in David Smith's Person of Interest file?"

"Well, Lynne ... Quite a number of times, the hawk-eyed Norma has spotted various deficiencies and faults, either in the methods, or with the final results of David's sock-washing labours.

"On such occasions, Norma makes it her business to report David to his supervisors, pointing out or explaining to them the fault- or faults, she has spotted. Why? Because Norma Newlove wants to see David Smith being summarily chastised -- caned, by his two supervisors, CSOs Karen and Linda. Norma wants to watch, from her 'ringside seat', her across-the-road neighbour David being caned, on his bared buttocks.

"On one particularly notable occasion, Lynne, Norma really hit the jackpot ...

"Norma reported to CSOs Karen and Linda every single word of David's being, in Norma's own words: 'Very impudent, extremely insolent, and grossly disrespectful' to Canford High's PE teacher, Miss Polly Pardew -- who, to cap it all, just happened to be CSOs Karen and Linda's much-liked former teacher.

"Norma repeated, verbatim, David and Miss Pardew's decidedly discordant conversation. I have here the whole, unabridged transcript. But I'll just read you the gist ...

"Miss Polly Pardew had come struggling into the Sock Room, that morning, burdened with several big bagfuls of her Year Five schoolgirls' dirty sports socks for David to hand-wash -- two hundred socks, in total.

"Norma, who'd been watching and listening from her recliner, said David had just stood there, looking vacant, watching Miss Pardew struggle her way in through the doors, and not even offering to help her.

"Norma said: Yes, at the time, David was extremely busy -- up to his eyes in the huge backlog of females' dirty socks ... A dozen colour-coded wheelie-bins overflowing with them; the big hopper, full right to the top, with hundreds of pairs of dirty white socks; his hot-and-soapy-water soaking tank, full of them; as were his two stainless-steel sinks, his washing lines, and his ironing station -- and now, here came another great big load.

"But that was no excuse, asserted Norma: When a male -- especially a community servant -- sees a female in need of assistance, he should drop whatever he is doing, and respond appropriately at once, as per the Female-Friendly Code regulations.

"According to Norma, when Miss Pardew had told David she would return late-afternoon the next day to collect the one hundred pairs of clean sports socks, David told her that he couldn't promise her they would be ready, at such short notice.

"David told Canford High's PE teacher that he already had a mountain of his townswomen's dirty socks to hand-wash, and so her Year Five schoolgirls' dirty sports socks would just have to wait their turn. And so her consignment of sports socks might not be ready in time. In fact, he'd said, he might as well tell her now: she could save herself the trouble of coming for them -- because the socks most definitely wouldn't be ready for collection so soon. After all, he only had one pair of hands, he'd told Miss Pardew, indicating to her his already overwhelming workload.

"Well, when Norma repeated this conversation to David's two supervisors, there was hell to pay. CSOs Karen and Linda were absolutely livid.

"The result was that CSOs Karen and Linda offered to let Canford High's PE teacher cane David's bared bottom herself -- and Miss Polly Pardew gleefully took her two former students up on their offer.

"CSOs Karen and Linda stood David facing the bare brick wall of his lower-level work area, and handcuffed his wrists to the safety-rails of the Sock Room's upper-level 'viewing area' -- right where his face was on a level with the foot of the padded black leather recliner occupied by the gleeful Mrs Norma Newlove; the soles of her dirty white-socked feet, right in David's face ... An added, ignominious cruelty, to David Smith's painful and humiliating chastisement.

"CSOs Karen and Linda then pulled David's white, community servant issue shorts down to his ankles, and signalled their former PE teacher to proceed with administering David's chastisement: as many cane strokes as she liked ... 'That is not the way I expect to be spoken to -- by a community servant!' Miss Polly Pardew is reported to have repeatedly yelled, as she had personally caned David Smith's bared buttocks, literally dozens of times ...

"Norma Newlove is often in the company of and in close cahoots with a bunch of her like-minded Sock Room cronies. In particular, there's a Gina Stainham, and a Cheryl Chubb, malicious-minded cohorts of Norma's who both get special mentions by CSOs Karen and Linda in their daily Sock Room write-ups.

"All of these Canford town Sock Room 'regulars' are on Welfare Benefit -- which of course is their prerogative. Under the AFP's female-friendly Ladies of Leisure legislation, they are free to spend their time however they like.

"Norma and friends attend their Sock Room pretty much every day -- originally, Sock Rooms were openly open from Monday to Friday, but now they are open seven days a week. It gives the Sock Room community servant the chance to try and whittle down his workload a bit ... and his CSO supervisors, the chance to earn overtime at truly amazing rates of pay.

"Norma and her cruel cronies bring along with them plentiful supplies of food and drink refreshments. Plenty to keep them going ... while they watch David Smith, earning his reduced Unemployment Benefit by hand-washing their dirty socks."

"As it happens," said Ms Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons, "Sock Rooms are another of Caroline's brainchilds. What you have just read out, Meredith, is a microcosm of what happens in Sock Rooms throughout the UK every day in our towns and cities ... Ah, Meredith! On my next visit to Greystone, you must remind me to tell you about another of Caroline's Placement brainchilds: her hilarious airborne Air Purification Technician wheeze! Oh, Meredith -- you'll laugh!"

Returning her attention now to prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, Ms Lynne Truss said, "And so, officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, to return to what I was saying ... Officers with such superlative rehabilitative qualities as yourselves will always be in demand.

"Ma'am!" said prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo.

"And the Authoritarian Female Party is very generous, when it comes to rewarding its best people ...

"In fact, in my capacity as Secretary of the Special Imbursements Committee, I've already arranged with Governor Monroe to have your present salaries doubled -- backdated to the beginning of the year.

"This may seem a somewhat irregular, arbitrary reward. But it will become increasingly less so, since it is now within my Cabinet-Ministerial portfolio gift to personally reward such deserving and well-thought of personnel as yourselves. And furthermore: as a direct consequence of Governor Monroe's rave reviews, you can be sure that I shall be mentioning you both to the Prime Minister, during my next briefing with Caroline at Number Ten."

"Ma'am!" replied prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo.

They'd replied simply and succinctly. But contained in that one, exclaimed word, there was a whole world of eloquence.

Maintaining an air of sober professionalism as best they could, in the circumstances, prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo didn't allow themselves to run away at the mouth like two excitable schoolgirls awarded first-prizes by a local minor dignitary on sports day. But they couldn't help their big, Cheshire-cat grins.

Their faces aglow, they were both clearly overcome with heartwarming emotions. Clearly overwhelmed, by such powerful reaffirming stirrings-up of their fanatical AFP-affiliated fervour.

At hearing the AFP government's leading penal officer's liberal lashings of fulsome praise in acknowledgement and appreciation of work well done, and her assurances of her future patronage with regards to advancement in their vocational Prison Service careers, so very difficult was it, to maintain such self-restraint and observance of professional decorum, that prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo's faces were flushed bright pink, suffused with the pent-up pleasure that was bursting to get out and give joyous voice.

But that wasn't all, of course: Ms Truss herself had personally ordered that their present salaries be doubled -- backdated to the beginning of the year.

This was a reward in the immediacy, and a most generous one. And no doubt the extra money would be most welcome. Both in the future; and in the present too, in the form of their lump sum backpay windfall.

To prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, this just went to show that the powerful high-ups of the AFP were not aloof. It proved that the higher echelon Party big cheeses really did care about the welfare and the wellbeing of each and every one of their cause-carrying subordinates; their ... foot soldiers, as it were.

Even, as just exemplified, to the extent of patronising their favourites, and taking a personal interest in the aiding and abetting of the furtherance of their favoured underlings' careers.

But, to cap it all -- talk about 'The icing on the cake'! AFP Cabinet Minister Ms Lynne Truss was actually going to mention them both to the Prime Minister, Caroline Flynt.

For Authoritarian Female Party ideologues like prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo, this was a day that would live long in their memories. A veritable red-letter day.

Seated upon plush black leather, castor-wheeled swivel chairs behind Governor Monroe's large desk, the Governor and her high echelon government visitor were both facing towards the four us. Governor Meredith Monroe was to our left-hand side of the desk and Ms Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons, to our right-hand side.

Governor Monroe's large desk was open-fronted. And so from where I was standing, the two senior-position women's legs and feet were plainly visible in the generous leg space.

Just like her outstandingly good-looking, glamour chick 'jailhouse blue' prison officers, Governor Meredith Monroe wore the standard Greystone Prison issue pale-blue, thin-rubber soled flip flops. She was barelegged, and her shapely legs and elegant feet were beautifully suntanned. In her late thirties, she was somewhat maturer than most (but not all) of the prison officers under her command. But she was just as stunningly attractive as any of them -- with the possible exceptions of prison officers Candice and Cordelia, who with their particularly exquisite drop-dead-gorgeous looks were very out of the ordinary.