The Jailhouse Blues Ch. 03

The aroma of that freshly brewed coffee was like torture to me. Not least because I thought I recognised, and was trying to place the freshly poured coffee's distinctive scent.

I loved a good cup of coffee ...

Although I had my favourites, I enjoyed trying out new beans, too. And these days there was so much choice; so many varieties available to try. There seemed to be tempting new beans in the shops every week: Colombian, Brazilian, Guatemalan, Kenyan, Ethiopian, Java ...

But after a year of being incarcerated in Greystone Prison, I had forgotten what good coffee tasted like. Prisoners were limited to just one plastic beaker per day of supermarket own-brand instant coffee, served with their equally cheerless supper.

"Of course," resumed the caffeine refreshed Minister of Prisons, "our informants -- whether willing, or ... persuaded -- are everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

"You would not believe, Meredith, some of the places our people are lurking, all but invisibly. Unobtrusive, unnoticed, undetected ... like human wallpaper.

"You could not imagine, some of the places we have quietly infiltrated: corporation boardrooms, factory floors, company offices, colleges, university campuses, health and fitness clubs -- innumerable workplaces, learning centres, social venues, and health and leisure facilities of every kind.

"But that's not all. They say that walls have ears ... and now they do. Thousands of them: our ingeniously hidden microphones. And of course, walls have eyes, too: our vast network of cunningly concealed CCTV cameras. Monitored constantly, around the clock, by our ever vigilant counter-insurgency teams. Listening, and watching, and ... recording.

"And that's not all, either. All the time, our counter-insurgency and data gathering agents are on the prowl.

"Our people ride the Tube. The buses. The trains ...

"Our agents-at-large walk the major thoroughfares of our towns and cities: to all intents and purposes, they look just like any other about-town pedestrian. They browse in the High Street shops: to look at them, there's nothing to suggest they are not just another bargain-hunting shopper. They frequent cafes everywhere: for all the world, they are just like anyone else -- they've popped in for a nice cup of tea.

"It's surprising what our agents-at-large can learn, from loose lips. Quietly blending in, among the unsuspecting hoi polloi, and ... eavesdropping.

"So, sooner or later we will inevitably find out who these confounded agitators are. Their days are numbered ...

"We shall not permit these thankless upstarts to stand in our way. We shall not allow these disruptive, selfish nuisances to impede our work. No! We will not let these conscientious objector, reactionary, behind-the-times females forestall the furtherance of our female-friendly cause! We will not let them thwart our cherished ambitions! No! We shall remove these pesky, ingrate females from our path -- and in so doing, clear the way to our destiny! They shall not deny us our Utopian dream!

"As and when we identify and learn the locations of each of these ringleader rebel elements -- and their easily-led followers, too -- we will pounce. We will capture, arrest, and rehabilitate them!

"As sure as I am Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons, we will make all of these silly women see reason! We will put thinking-caps on their heads. We will expunge irrational thoughts from their minds. We will make them see the errors of their ways. We will get them thinking straight -- thinking coherently and logically."

The AFP's Minister of Prisons' oratorical exertions had apparently worked up a bit of a thirst in her. But after Ms Truss had wet her whistle again with a few more sips of that damn good coffee, she was good to go.

"But, having said all of that ... As astonishing as it might sound, the Authoritarian Female Party is not every female's cup of tea. And for some -- such as female prisoner Tina Marshall, one of Greystone's new intake of ten female-insurgent prisoners -- it never will be. And very worryingly, Meredith, Tina Marshall's case is an increasingly common theme ...

"Tina Marshall went off the rails when her head was turned by a handsome young man.

"Tina had been a content enough Canford town burger-bar counter assistant, who as far as we know had no previous interest at all in politics. Until, of course, that all changed when she got a soft spot for the young man in question: a community servant Sock Room worker, called David Smith."

With a sad-sounding sigh, Governor Monroe said, "Ah, yes, David Smith. Of course, as a known associate of female prisoner Tina Marshall, a copy of his Person of Interest file has been forwarded to my desk. I perused his dossier this morning ... here it is," she said, retrieving David Smith's green-binded case file from her desk's bottom drawer.

"Hmmm. Yes ... quite unfortunate. But, well, rules are rules ..." Governor Monroe said with a note of regret as she leafed through the four or five pages of David Smith's Person of Interest file. A moment later, she returned to the first page of the Low-Level Threat document.

"From what we know of David Smith, he is a sad case, really ...

"David has no criminal record, and it is only because of his romantic involvement with female prisoner Tina Marshall that he has come to our attention at all.

"From David's file, reading his history and judging his character I am quite confident that he would otherwise have stayed well below our radar.

"Like prisoner Tina Marshall, David Smith is also from Canford town, south London. And it was in the town centre burger-bar you mentioned, Lynne, that they first met.

"In her daily Citizen Surveillance report, our agent-at-large in the burger-bar at the time -- ostensibly having just popped in for a cup of tea, and reading her fashion magazine, as is her 'custom' -- says it appeared to be a classic case of love at first sight, for Tina Marshall.

"Tina was clearly attracted to David, and, constantly emitting signals to that effect, she made no secret of the fact.

"Our agent says that David Smith, though, clearly preoccupied with his first-day, Sock Room related woes, was to all appearances insensate and unresponsive.

"He was apparently oblivious to Tina's considerable charms. He seemed to barely notice the warmly smiling, jovial, bubbly Tina -- even though all of her smiles, joviality and bubbliness were all directed at him.

"Our agent records that David was polite and well-mannered towards the very pleasant and outgoing counter assistant filling his food order, but he did not respond in kind to her chirpy, jokey banter. Despite Tina's enthusiastic and determined attempts to cheer him up, David's aspect remained glum and gloomy. David picked up the plate of burger and chips Tina served him, but he didn't pick up Tina's persistent and increasingly conspicuous mating-call signals.

"David seemed absolutely unaware, of Tina's playful, breaking-the-ice badinage. Seemed totally insensible -- both then, and while seated alone at his table -- to the very attractive young woman's bright and breezy, irresistibly engaging personality. He didn't appreciate her one bit.

"Other than satisfying the polite protocols of employee / customer etiquette, David paid Tina no attention. He wasn't interested. He'd had no more of an appetite for Tina, than he'd apparently had for his burger and chips, most of which he'd left.

"Try as Tina might -- at first, with her cheery, mildly flirtatious joshings, and then with her progressively saucier, increasingly obvious overtures, and finally with her blatant come-ons -- David remained unheeding and unresponsive. He seemed totally incognizant of Tina's very obvious allure. Clearly, his mind was on other things.

"Still ... we know David went back to the burger-bar, just a few days later. Went back to Tina. Obviously, the penny must have finally dropped. He'd heeded, and responded. And the rest, as they say, is history."

Governor Monroe took a sip of her coffee, and then turned to the next page of David Smith's Person of interest file.

"The youngest of four siblings, David is from a loving, caring, close-knit family:

"David's mum and dad run a modest but quite successful florist shop in Canford town centre, called Roses are Red. They employ a female cousin of David's, who works part-time and, whose name, actually, is Rose.

"David has two sisters, Alison and Denise. They both earn good salaries, working for the same prestigious firm of solicitors, also in Canford town centre.

"And David has a brother, John, who is the second-oldest sibling. Like his two older sisters, John also earns good money. John works as a chef for an Aberdeen-based catering company, on an oil rig in the North Sea -- the Omega Three.

"As you can imagine, Lynne, all of his family are terribly distraught at the dreadful predicament David has found himself in.

"Naturally, especially upset are his parents: While their other son and their two daughters are all doing very well, pursuing meaningful and rewarding careers, their youngest son, David, is ... ah. It's tragic, really, Lynne."

Governor Monroe took another sip of her coffee, and then turned to the next page of David Smith's Person of Interest file.

"David Smith is essentially a decent, good-natured, law abiding, harmless enough individual, who we believe actually voted for the Authoritarian Female Party.

"Despite the apparent cajoling and remonstrances of his worried parents, David didn't apply himself as well as he should have done at school -- his year-on-year grades show that he just didn't knuckle down to learning. He was consistently at, or very near to the bottom of his class ... No wonder his parents were pulling their hair out, Lynne, when they saw his exam results!" exclaimed Governor Monroe, showing said dismal exam results to Ms Lynne Truss.

Continuing reading from David Smith's green-binded Low-Level Threat dossier, Governor Monroe said, "As a consequence, a full six months after leaving full-time education, David still hadn't found gainful employment. Though of course thanks to our Data Protection Act -- legally requiring companies and businesses to file all records permanently, and forbidding deletion -- from his job application records we know how very hard David had tried in vain.

"So David Smith is most definitely not a malingerer. No. At least that can not be said of him. If only he had knuckled down to learning, at school! Like his older brother John, he could have made something of himself. Because he is certainly not one of those lazy bones, workshy ne'er-do-wells who the Job Centre staff have been cracking down on so very hard lately, trying to move the scrounging, shiftless lot of them off the dole and into positions of gainful employment."

Right, I thought: I'm not workshy! I was in gainful employment! And I was making something of myself, working at the Garden Centre ... But look where I am now!

Having reached the end of the page, Governor Monroe took a couple more sips of her coffee. She then turned to the next page and, first glancing it over, prepared to continue reading from David Smith's Person of Interest file.

I felt that I had a lot in common with David Smith.

I was finding David Smith's story quite intriguing. Not least, because with my own eyes I had just seen (and saw more than I'd wanted to!) his very attractive girlfriend: the feisty, noncompliant, confrontational -- defiance personified --Tina Marshall.

Among the first intake of ten female-insurgent prisoners, the lovestruck Tina was here. Stuck in this damned hellhole called Greystone Prison -- which was now a mixed prison ... The AFP certainly had a lot to answer for!

Would David be allowed to visit Tina? I wondered. Maybe one day I would see him. See the guy, who had turned Tina's world upside down ... in more ways than one.

His girl was in Cell 13 -- unlucky for some! And at that moment, she was steadfastly refusing to "be nice" to the stunningly beautiful and sexy lesbian prison officer Candice, who had promised to smooth the way of Tina's rehabilitative path, if ... only she would.

As if she was just any common male prisoner, Tina was rendered completely vulnerable and totally helpless, restrained in the ultra humiliating assuming-the-position position for Foot Service.

Defiantly and determinedly, with every fibre of her being Tina was resisting prison officer Candice's persuasive wiles ...

Tina's bare breasts, being molested by the marauding bare soles of the dastardly prison officer Candice's expertly teasing and diabolically titillating feet. Her responsively budding nipples, being gleefully tweaked and toyed with; mercilessly manipulated by the lustful lesbian prison officer Candice's slender golden toes -- sending wave after relentless wave of involuntary ecstasy shuddering through Tina ... David wouldn't want to see that!

David Smith could certainly be very proud of Tina. She was a girl in a million. She had landed herself in this hellhole -- for him! He must be some guy!

"But, well, rules are rules ..." said Governor Monroe, in that melancholy tone again, bringing me out of my thoughts of David and Tina's inhumane human-interest story.

"David Smith had finally run out of time. He had reached the government's statutory time limit for claiming Welfare Benefit -- the handouts are stopped after one month now, but the cut-off point was six months, back then.

"So then David was duly assigned work duties, to earn his reduced Unemployment Benefit payments under the AFP's Placement scheme -- as it happens, by his local Community Service Liaison Officer, Harriet Harmman.

"Apparently -- and I am sure you will appreciate the irony, Lynne -- David Smith voted AFP because he saw our all-female government as his best chance of finally landing himself some work. And ... he was right.

"Oh! It so annoys me!" bemoaned Governor Monroe. "Tina Marshall: Such a foolish, ungrateful young woman. She needs to wake up her ideas! Before it's too late! Oh ... I could go into her cell right now, and cane her bare bottom myself!

"What on earth is she thinking of? All of her life ahead of her -- and what does she do? Just think what she is giving up! Oh, just think what she is throwing away ... All of her lifestyle enhancing societal rights! All of her AFP-decreed entitlements and benefits! All of her female-friendly empowerments! All of her amazing privileges! She is forfeiting such wonderful, marvellous, male-dominating opportunities!

"And for what? All for the love of an untrained, unskilled, virtually unemployable young man: A community servant, assigned by Canford town's Community Service Liaison Officer, Harriet Harmman, to work in his town's Sock Room -- hand-washing the town's females' dirty socks!"

Governor Monroe shook her head in sad bewilderment and despair at female prisoner Tina Marshall's unfathomable behaviour. Shook her head, at the sheer inexplicability of the bright and attractive young woman's AFP-rejecting life choice.

"It's all here, Lynne," said Governor Monroe. "It's all here, in the Sock Room attachment glossary to David Smith's Person of Interest file ...

"While female prisoner Tina Marshall is ... spending some time with us, her broken-hearted beau, David Smith, is earning his reduced Unemployment Benefit payments by spending his days in his town's Sock Room, laundering the town's females' dirty socks. Painstakingly, and to a very high pass-muster standard:

"Turning all -- every last one! -- of those females' dirty, stinky socks inside out, so as to ensure that all of the sweat and flaky dead skin is completely washed right out of them. Hand-washing them, in steaming-hot soapy water in a deep stainless-steel sink. Hand-rinsing them, in clean cold water in a similar, adjacent deep sink. Squeezing water out of them, by putting them through an old-fashioned handle-operated mangle, one by one. Pegging them all out on clotheslines in the Sock Room's courtyard to dry. Bringing them all back in again when dry, to his ironing-station. Pulling each and every last one of the socks back through, the right way again -- so that no sock-changing female will be inconvenienced by having to perform that tedious little chore for herself. Steam-iron pressing them ... and by so doing, David continually restocks Canford town's Sock Room's ever depleting floor-to-ceiling shelves.

"Two Community Service Officers -- they are in their early twenties, and their names are Karen and Linda -- are assigned as Sock Room supervisors by Canford town's Community Service Liaison Officer, Harriet Harmman.

"By whatever means, at their own discretion, the two CSOs are tasked and empowered to ensure that not only does David Smith work his fingers to the bone for his reduced Unemployment Benefit payments, but that all of the finished results of his unspeakably miserable, and intentionally and purposefully futile sock-washing labours pass muster: pass CSOs Karen and Linda's own, nitpicky, hypercritical inspections.

"For every sock that either of the two CSOs find David Smith has failed to turn inside out before hand-washing -- or has similarly failed to pull back through the right way again, afterwards, thereby causing unnecessary and unpardonable inconvenience to a sock-changing female -- both as punishment, and as an aid to help keep his mind more keenly focused on the strict requirements and responsibilities of his Placement, David receives from each of them one stroke of the cane, to each of his bare buttocks.

"In view of whomsoever Sock Room attending females, David's two supervisors pull down his pair of white, community servant issue shorts, and they both administer a summary chastising stroke of their AFP-issue flexible bamboo canes to his bared bottom. This usually elicits a lot of laughing, clapping and cheering from the witnessing sock-changing females.

"Upon completion of his summary chastisement, with their waspish admonishments ringing in his ears, and their just-administered cane strokes burning his buttocks, David is put right back to work by his two supervisors.

"David Smith must thank his supervisors -- or, as the case may be, an observant, scrutinising sock-changing female -- for helpfully spotting and pointing out to him his sock-washing deficiencies. And also thank CSOs Karen and Linda, for taking their ensuing ... mind-focusing corrective measures.

"And always, David must respectfully address the cruel, tyrannical pair, as Miss Karen, and Miss Linda ...

"Good heavens, Lynne, can you possibly imagine? Can you possibly imagine David Smith's daily miseries? Oh, I know I shouldn't: he's there for a very good reason, after all -- but I actually feel quite sorry for the young man!

"But there's not only that, Lynne. Apparently there are other contributing factors to David Smith's utter wretchedness," Governor Monroe further elaborated, upon the decidedly unfortunate situations of David Smith, in particular, and of the UK's Sock Room community servants, in general, under the Authoritarian Female Party government's Sock Room policy. A policy, that was actually one of the original brainchild schemes of the AFP Prime Minister, Caroline Flynt.

From the Sock Room glossary attached to David Smith's green-binded Low-Level Threat Person of Interest file, Governor Monroe read: "Nationwide -- whether it be England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland -- sock-changing females seem to exult in making the Sock Room community servants' lives as miserable as possible. Goading, demoralising, and generally picking on Sock Room community servants, has become something of a national sport.

"Sock-changing females everywhere, seem to go out of their way; seem to make a special effort, to try and instill into their Sock Room community servants an unutterable sense of despair. A soul-crushing despondency. Cruelly goading them -- gloating, mocking, taunting, laughing and joking -- over their dreadful, often inescapable predicaments.